Jolene Engle @ The Alabaster Jar - Encouraging, Equiping, and Inspiring Godly Women and Wives

Combating Fear and Anxiety Biblically

May 16, 2013 by Jolene Engle 6 Comments

Fear. Anxiety. Worry. Every woman who is breathing has felt these emotions at least one time or another in her lifetime.

I can remember the day I gave birth to my first born son. I had a plan. I had expectations. And I assumed the birthing process would go without a hitch. Of course in my ignorance I was totally wrong.

After nine months of doctor’s appts., prenatal vitamins, ultrasounds and taking care of myself, the verdict by the doctor was that me and baby were healthy, and therefore, everything should turn out fine.

But that wasn’t the case.

Even though my water broke and I chose a natural birth with no meds to slow down the birthing process, that boy of mine just didn’t want to come out of my womb! So the doctor resorted to a vacuum extraction to get him out.

After the pushing and the extraction, still no baby. Again, we did the same process only to receive the same results. At the third attempt of the extraction, the doctor said, “If this doesn’t work, we’ll have to do an emergency c-section.”

Well, the third time was a charm, and out came my boy…..

He was perfect, aside from his severely bruised and coned-shaped head caused by the extraction. Yet, my baby wouldn’t latch on to nurse- not the first time, the second time, or the third time…

The nurse scolded me for this. Really? Me?

As each new nurse showed up in my hospital room I was asked the same question over and over again, “How much drugs did you take during your delivery?”

My response was always the same, “Um, none. I gave birth to him naturally.”

One nurse said, “He’s acting like a drug baby.”

“He’s a droopy baby”, the other one said.

And then I’d hear, “Your baby will have jaundice because you’re not nursing him.”

“Um, the baby won’t nurse. What do you expect me to do?” (Yes, I was totally annoyed and frustrated by this mean, rude nurse. I wanted to ~~slap~~ punch her. And, yes, I did report her poor bedside manner to management.)

And that’s when it happened…

The Lactation nurse showed up on the scene and said, “You have a head trauma baby.”

I don’t know about you but those weren’t words I ever wanted to hear about my baby.

I was in shock and on the verge of tears with the news.

Fear immediately filled my mind. I became anxious and I worried about what was going to happen to my son.

Truthfully, this situation wasn’t the last time I’ve dealt with fear and anxiety.

These two debilitating and emotional villains have showed up in my life more than once!

Like the time I found myself trying to control all aspects of my life when we were losing our home. In my mind, I felt if I could control my situation then it meant that my life would be less painful. Well, that was just plain dumb reasoning and it didn’t work either. My controlling nature just made me more miserable along with everybody else around me. Therefore, I decided to scratch that method of coping with my fears and concerns.

Then there was the moment I realized I was coping with my anxiety when I found myself hiding in my pantry closet while inhaling copious amounts of dark chocolate. Whoa! My sweet tooth hadn’t reared it’s ugly head nor was it that time of the month either, so why on earth was I stuffing my face with chocolate? It was emotional eating at it’s finest! It was in that moment that God revealed to me that I was turning to food to ease my fears rather than turning to Him.

And then there was the time when I felt like I couldn’t breathe because I was consumed with fear and anxious thoughts. My Lord gently spoke to me saying, “Daughter, these thoughts are not God-honoring. Fear is not from me, but from the Enemy. You know that. Will you trust me?”

I’m so thankful the Lord revealed to me what was taking place within my heart.

My controlling ways and my emotional eating did nothing to help me in my situations.

These methods did not draw me closer to the Lord.

They didn’t strengthen my faith.

And they certainly didn’t solve my problems. If anything, these methods of coping would have added more problems to my life. Like strained relationships and poor health.

Here’s some ways we typically handle our fears….

We lean on our own understanding.

But according to God’s Word, we shouldn’t.

Trust in the LORD with all your heart, and lean not on your own understanding; in all your ways acknowledge Him, And He shall direct your paths. Prov. 3:5,6

We become anxious.

But according to God’s Word, we shouldn’t be.

Be anxious for nothing, but in everything by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be made known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus. Phil. 4:6,7

We allow our negative emotions to reign in our hearts and we dismiss what the Bible has to say.

Again, according to God’s Word, we shouldn’t. We’re to take every thought captive and not rely on our heart because it’s easily deceived.

“But be careful. Don’t let your heart be deceived so that you turn away from the LORD and serve and worship other gods. Deut. 11:16 (It can be easy for us to worship the god of fear and anxiety!)

“Bringing every thought into captivity to the obedience of Christ.” 2 Cor. 10:5

Do not tremble; do not be afraid. Did I not proclaim my purposes for you long ago? You are my witnesses—is there any other God? No! There is no other Rock—not one!” Isaiah 44:8

Every word of God is pure; He is a shield to those who put their trust in Him. Prov. 30:5

Just like a sunflower that follows the sun, we need to follow the Son so we can have a vibrant, peace-filled life in order to thrive in spite of our circumstances!

In this post, I’ve just scratched the surface with a few Bible verses to help you renew your mind in Christ Jesus.

Since fears and anxieties are common emotions we women deal with, I’ve created a pdf. of 24 Scriptures you can print out to help you combat your fears and anxieties biblically. My encouragement to you is to go through the list and pick out a few verses that you can memorize.

You can find my list of Scriptures here: Combating Fear and Anxiety Biblically.

Live a poured out life for Christ,

I’m linking up with: To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, Women Living Well, and The Better Mom.

Filed Under: Biblical guidance, Growing in Godliness Tagged With: anxiety, anxious, fear, panic attacks

When Mother’s Day Hurts…& a Link-Up!

May 12, 2013 by Jolene Engle 17 Comments

So I’ve been pondering Mother’s Day for the last few days now. My heart was wanting to encourage you on this day, a day where you can be so easily disappointed.

I know not every woman is looking forward to this day, after all, who’s life really depicts what’s said on those Hallmark cards on Mother’s day anyways?

The reality is….

Not every mother will receive some type of acknowledgement from her own children on a day that is designed to give her honor. (Insert here, she feels jilted and unappreciated by those she serves the most.)

Not every mother will feel deserving of praise. Her failures and guilt as a mother consume her, casting a shadow over her day.

Not every mother/daughter relationship is wonderful.

Not every mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship is flourishing.

Not every mother will enjoy her day because she might be mourning the loss of her unborn babies or the death of a child.

Some women will be grieved on this day because they long to be a Mother, but their body says otherwise.

Some could be grieving over the taking of their own unborn child’s life.

Some may have a twinge of sadness as they’ve thought about the child they gave up to be raised by others.

And some will grieve the loss of their own mother, or mother-in-law, or a spiritual mother.

Mother’s day for some is just plain heartbreaking.

So how do we cope with pain, the broken relationships, the sense of entitlement, the loss, etc?

We turn to God’s Word.

To the mother who’s family does not acknowledge her… except for the obligatory, “Happy Mother’s day, mom.” (I know you feel slighted. No card. No flowers. No meal prepared for you.)

In my home, when my boys were really young (toddlers) I went to my husband and told him I thought we should train the boys to appreciate us, whether they were acknowledging Mother’s day, Father’s day or our birthdays. The emphasis wasn’t on what I wanted to receive from them, but rather teaching them to be grateful. A two year old child has zero concept of thankfulness. If gratitude is not instilled in them when they’re young, then I certainly couldn’t except them to have a thankful heart as they grew older.

So we taught them to do little things like: make cards, pick flowers in the yard, or take them to a florist, make a meal, etc. For several years my husband would teach the boys to wash my feet the way Jesus washed the disciples feet. To this day, this is one activity that my children still want to do for me. Yes, all of these activities take intentionality and an adult to help orchestrate, but in the end you’ll reap the sweet fruit of a child with a grateful heart.

When you look at the Proverbs 31 woman, the scriptures say her children rise up and call her blessed. I believe this happens when the parents teach their children to be focused on others rather than on their own self-centered ways.

“Her children rise up and call her blessed.” Proverbs 31:28

So if you haven’t already done so, be intentional about teaching your children to bless others. This will mean that you, the mama, will need to go to your husband and let him know what you desire. When my boys were young all I wanted to do on Mother’s day was get some extra rest and have somebody else make the meals for me.

Because your husband can’t read your mind, you’ll need to spell out to him what you’d like to do on this day. Of course be reasonable. It’s one thing to receive honor and appreciation for all you do and it’s something all together different to be worshipped. Jesus Christ is the ONLY person who’s worthy of our worship.

If you’re a mama who struggles with a sense of entitlement, keep in mind that those living in a third-world country have zero understanding of Mother’s day. That’s code for: they don’t even receive and acknowledgement. And you can also consider the woman who can’t have kids or a woman who has lost a child. Sometimes all it takes for us to shove the greedy, envious, and jealousy monster away is to just look at things with a different perspective.

To the mother who has lost a child….my heart breaks for you. I had a neighbor who’s 15 year old son went on a mission’s trip and on his way home he was killed in a car accident. I couldn’t fathom the devastation our friends dealt with in the loss of their son. I know my former neighbor will always have a pain in her heart each year as Mother’s day rolls around on the calendar.

And then there’s the mother in my Bible study who’s son took his own life this past Good Friday. My mother’s heart knows no pain like this.

But God….He is the God who sees and He heals the brokenhearted.

Then she called the name of the LORD who spoke to her, You-Are-the-God-Who-Sees; for she said, “Have I also here seen Him who sees me?” Genesis 16:13

He heals the brokenhearted And binds up their wounds. Psalm 147:3

To the barren woman…

I’m sure you feel forsaken by the plans that the Lord has for you. I’m sure your heart breaks when you see another pregnant woman or you hear about abortions taking place in this world. Or you happen to follow social media where all you hear are mother’s complaining about their children. Please know that God is at work in your life and you are the apple of His eye.

To the daughter who has a strained relationship with her mother….

Keep in mind that no mom is perfect. Recognize the fact that she did the best she could in raising you (even if you think otherwise). Every mother is an imperfect human being. We don’t always handle things right. And we are just like you, sinners in need of grace and mercy. Be the more mature person (and Christian) and extend your love and appreciation to her as best you can. You reach out to her first. This may mean something as simple as a phone call thanking her for taking care of you.

To the daughter-in-law who has a difficult relationship with her mother-in-law….

Perhaps you don’t feel received or accepted? I understand. Do your best to love and honor her anyways.

To the mother whose babies are no longer in her presence…

Sometimes in life we just make poor choices, but regardless of the decisions we make, if we come before the Lord and ask for forgiveness, then He forgives us. Yes, forgiveness is that simple, But I realize you may be dealing with dark memories, memories that will haunt you forever. I pray that you seek counsel to help you get through this time of anguish. Don’t allow Satan another minute to condemn you for what you’ve done.

To the mother whose babies are being raised by another woman….

This one is difficult for me to write. In essence I would be writing this to encourage my own biological mother.

Well, first I would say, thank you for giving me life. Second, I’d like to ask ‘why did you give me up’, but I know I’ll never receive the answer to my question. Instead, I’ll lean into the Lord and trust that He had the perfect plan for my life (and yours).

God knew what was best for your child, the child that He created through you.

Whatever you’re going through this Mother’s Day, turn to your Heavenly Father for the love, acceptance and comfort that every woman needs.

And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28

Live a poured out life for Christ,

I’m linking up with: To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, Women Living Well, and The Better Mom.

Now bloggers, it’s time to link up your posts!

I’m looking for posts on any and all things related to being a wife, i.e. homemaking ideas, ways you minister to your husband, dating ideas, and/or hearing what the Lord is telling you about your most important earthly relationship!

Link back to this community, either by using the button below or a text link. Link to your actual post, not just your general blog address–that way if readers come by later in the week, they can click your relevant post.

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Filed Under: Growing in Godliness Tagged With: hurting moms, mother's day

When You’re in Need of Rest

May 10, 2013 by Jolene Engle Leave a Comment

The hectic schedules.

The stress of the ‘to do’ lists.

The demands from others.

Sometimes you need to get away from it all just like Jesus did.

As the multitudes would follow and press into the Lord desiring His healing or seeking a sign, I have often found it interesting how Jesus would get away from those he ministered to. Many times in the Scriptures you would read that He got into a boat. Yep, a boat. After all, someone can still reach you while you’re trying to go to the bathroom! (I think only a mom understands this one!)

No one can reach you in a boat, except for those you’ve invited on board.

When Jesus heard it, (that John the Baptist was beheaded), He departed from there by boat to a deserted place by Himself. But when the multitudes heard it, they followed Him on foot from the cities. Matthew 14:13 (Words in bold my emphasis.)

Immediately Jesus made His disciples get into the boat and go before Him to the other side, while He sent the multitudes away. Matthew 14:22

Now I don’t happen to have a boat I can get into in order for me to be free from all of my responsibilities, but I can get away from the daily grind of life. And that’s what I did this past week! Perhaps you missed me in my on-line space?

My family and I were invited to camp with some friends at San Clemente Beach in So. Calif. We’ve camped at this location before but if you’ve ever been camping then you know you don’t get much rest. I mean, really, who in their right mind wants to sleep in a tent (or in a hotel on wheels), cook on a small stove, and take a shower where you need to insert quarters?? Not this gal! That kind of rest is not what my body longs for, yet it’s what my mind needed.

It was nice to turn things off. Forego my to-do lists. Laugh a lot. Chase off skunks that entered our campsite every night. Eat chocolate. Dig my toes into the sand. Well, not really, I’m not too fond of sand. I did, however, like sitting in my beach chair as I watched the ocean waves come crashing down. It’s funny though, while I was sitting there looking out into the vast blue sea I thought of Jesus and I thought of you.

I thought about how when Jesus left the multitudes and He was done resting, He came right back and continued on in His ministry. After all, He was about His Father’s business!

I want to be about my Father’s business too, but in order for me to do that, I needed rest, and laughter, some firewood to throw at skunks, and let’s not forget the chocolate!

With the ocean wind blowing in our faces, here I am with my Beloved (and his coffee drink!)

And my squinty-eyed and sunburned boys. Seth on the left and Noah on the right.

Many times we feel guilty when we stop and rest, but my encouragement to you would be to emulate your Savior (especially if you have a boat!) If there’s no boat parked at your house, then perhaps a simple walk around the neighborhood by yourself might just rejuvenate you, (or you can always lock yourself in the bathroom!) I’ve been known to do that when my boys were young.

Whether it’s a mental rest or a physical one, our human bodies need it. When we take a much needed break from it all, we become re-engerized so we can continue on steadfastly in our Christian journey, whether our role is that of a wife, mother, friend, sister, employee, etc. Otherwise if we don’t take a break we’ll just become exhausted, which can quickly pave way to the road of bitterness.

“Come to Me, all you who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Matt. 11:28

Live a poured out life for Christ,

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I’m linking up with: To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, Women Living Well, and The Better Mom.

Filed Under: Growing in Godliness Tagged With: rest for the weary

Living in a Difficult Marriage…& a Link-Up!

May 5, 2013 by Jolene Engle 6 Comments

Are you living in a downright difficult marriage? Perhaps your husband is unloving, uncaring, non-responsive and cruel towards you? Some of these husbands even claim to be Believers, men who have made a decision to give their hearts to the Lord, yet, something isn’t right about their lives. There seems to be no evidence of spiritual fruit in their walk.

“You will know them by their fruits. Do men gather grapes from thornbushes or figs from thistles? ”Even so, every good tree bears good fruit, but a bad tree bears bad fruit. ”A good tree cannot bear bad fruit, nor can a bad tree bear good fruit. Matt. 7:16-18

These men live in such way where their actions and attitudes towards their wives (and even their children) are unbecoming of a Christian husband and father. (Now, I’m not referring to a man who is growing in Christ but is falling short like all men and women do, but a man whose heart is hardened towards his wife and his God.)

I’ve received email after email from women writing in sharing their heartache and pain, not knowing what to do when their man is not obeying the Scriptures or when he’s not looking to change for the better.

If you have a difficult marriage where you’re living with a cold, angry, or heartless man (whether he’s saved or not), I’ve put together this post to serve as a resource in hopes that it’ll minister to you in your current circumstances.

8 Earmarks of a Christian Husband by Jolene Engle

The Backbone of a Submissive Wife by Eric Engle

Hope for a Hurting Marriage by Jolene Engle

When a Husband Makes Poor Choices by Jolene Engle

How to Respectfully Communicate Your Needs to Your Husband by Jolene Engle

Living With an Angry, Abusive, or Violent Spouse by FamilyLife

Responding to Physical Abuse by FamilyLife

Regardless of your circumstances, ultimately, the only person you can change is you.

You can’t change your husband’s heart.

You can’t make him love you.

You can’t make him more considerate and caring.

You can’t make him spiritually lead your family.

You can’t even make him get saved if he’s an unbeliever.

All of these areas belong to the workings of the Holy Spirit.

The role of the wife (regardless of the state of her marriage) is to make sure you pursue Godliness.

Should you pray for your husband? Absolutely!

Should you be obedient to the Scriptures? Absolutely!

Should you protect yourself and your children if you’re being physically, emotionally, and mentally abused? Absolutely!

In the meantime, you live in such a way that is pleasing to the Lord regardless of what your husband says or does. When your time here on earth is over there is only One person that you will stand before and give an account of your life, and that person is Jesus Christ.

In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives. 1 Peter 3:1,2 NLT

This verse does not mean you’re a doormat!

Now it’s your turn. Any advice for a wife living in a difficult marriage? Please share in the comments.

Live a poured out life for Christ,

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I’m linking up with: To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, Women Living Well, and The Better Mom.

Now bloggers, it’s time to link up your posts!

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Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: angry and violent husband, difficult marriage, marital advice, unloving husbands

Chronic Illness in Marriage: Communicating with Your Spouse (Part 4)

May 4, 2013 by Jolene Engle 5 Comments

If you’re new to this series you can read the prior posts here:

In Sickness and In Health: Dealing with Chronic Illness in Marriage (Part 1)

Chronic Illness in Marriage: There’s a Purpose for the Pain (Part 2)

Chronic Illness in Marriage: Practical Tips to Living with Limitations (Part 3)

And today’s post I’m closing up this series with, how to communicate with your spouse so you can manage the day to day life of living with chronic illnesses.

Every couple, whether you’re dealing with an illness or not, needs to learn how to effectively communicate with one another so you can have more harmony in your marriage and family life.

Know your roles in the home and create a plan.

For the sick spouse: Let your spouse know what you can and can’t do around the home, in your family life, outside commitments, etc.

List out household chores. Menu planning. Laundry duties. Kids activities. All the daily things needed to run a household. Try and establish a routine as much as possible so when the hard days come, your family will know what they need to do in order for your household to function.

Being intentional about this will help you thrive as much a possible as you walk through your times of suffering.

In my life we had someone clean our home once a week to help alleviate this duty from me. Having outside help in this area certainly helped us tremendously. When I encountered my bad days, my husband would take care of the meals and laundry so we could get by until I got well enough to take over my responsibilities once again. Our life went through this cycle for many years.

For the supportive spouse: let your spouse know you’ll work to make adjustments in your life so you can help ease their burdens and responsibilities.

Bear one another’s burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ. Galatians 6:2

Be intentional about extending grace and mercy.

Because the sick spouse can’t get rid of the illness, we often feel like our life is over. This perspective makes us feel like this is no hope. The supportive spouse should be the sick spouse’s biggest encourager (whether they are ill or not!) Chronic illnesses are chronic; a life of long-suffering that wears on our nerves. Sometimes all we see and feel is darkness. For the most part we lead a very isolated life and our main means of fellowship is our spouse. When the supportive spouse extends grace and mercy to us, (rather than complaining, criticizing and condemning us), it ministers to our souls. An extension of their grace and mercy tells us they love us. It tells us they’re here for us. It tells us they’ll be by our side ‘in sickness and in health’.

For the sick spouse: make sure you do your best to extend grace and mercy to your caretaker!! Just because your spouse is not suffering physically like you are, they are still going through a trial. Be patient with them. And be thankful that they’re standing by your side!

For the supportive spouse: you are a gift from God (even if you don’t hear this from your spouse!) God sees all you do.

Encourage fellowship with others.

Both spouses need fellowship! Don’t forsake this much needed element to your spiritual well-being. Make provisions so you can spend time with others, whether you visit them or they visit you.

They devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and to fellowship, to the breaking of bread and to prayer. Acts 2:42

Many times in my own life I would force myself to be around others just so I wouldn’t plummet into a deeper depression. But I was careful with who I chose to have fellowship with since it took so much out of me. (Fellowship is talking with a Believer about the things of the Lord, as opposed to talking about the weather or the latest fashion. Superficial topics will not minister to a hurting and weary soul.)

A supportive spouse would do well to seek out fellowship for their spouse because sometimes in the mist of our misery we can’t see straight! My husband did just that. He constantly encouraged me to spend time with women who would minister to me. In fact, he went as far as calling them and setting up a time for us to get together.

Share your heart.

When I don’t feel well or when I’m really exhausted, I don’t talk much (or really at all). It’s easy for someone to think that I’m mad at them since I’m not speaking to them! So over the years I had to learn to communicate that one small truth about myself to my friends and family.

Also, let your spouse know that day if you’re having a particularly hard time, whether it be physically, emotionally, or spiritually, that way they’ll have a better understanding of what’s ahead for them and what they can pray for.

Two people are better off than one, for they can help each other succeed. If one person falls, the other can reach out and help. But someone who falls alone is in real trouble. Eccl. 4:9,10

Just these simple tips can help ward off any potential arguments.

Rebuke them in love, if need be.

Is the sick spouse angry at God?

Are they habitually taking their anger out on their family?

Are they turning inward and becoming depressed?

Are they comforting themselves through alcohol, over medicating on pain killers, food, pornography? Rather than finding comfort by seeking the Lord?

All of these paths will lead to more harm. Rebuking them is for their spiritual and physical good. When they purposefully take a path that is contrary to the Scriptures, their life is going to get worse, not better.

All Scripture is given by inspiration of God, and is profitable for doctrine, for reproof, for correction, for instruction in righteousness, that the man of God may be complete, thoroughly equipped for every good work. 2 Tim. 3:16,17

Many times through my pain and despair I’d lash out and my husband. Isn’t it sad that we take out our frustrations on the one’s we love the most? My man would gently say to me, “Have you talked to your God about all of this?” It was his gentle and loving way of rebuking me and pointing me back to my Savior. You see, our spouse can’t heal our bodies, only the Lord can. But what a supportive spouse can do is encourage us to cry out to God in our desperation because our God knows our needs.

If your sick spouse does not heed the rebuke, yet they are functioning in society, at work, in the church, etc. and they come home and take out their frustrations on you and the kids, then I’d recommend a few things:

1. Ask questions before the attacks happen. Sit down with them and find out what their expectations are, their ideals, and standards they have for their marriage and family while living with their illness.

2. Do they think it’s right for them if they treat everyone else with kindness and respect, but not you and the children?

3. Ask them how you should handle them when they get in a mood that is not pleasing to the Lord?

4. How would they like you to protect your marital relationship and the relationship they have with their children when the attacks or outbursts come? Should you and the kids leave the house? Should the sick spouse just leave the room until he can get himself under control? Seek conflict resolution to these potential threats to your marriage and family before they happen.

Encourage them to give you the answers for the problem that you’re dealing with. Basically, you need their help. You need them to guide you in this area because you don’t know how to handle it and you’re looking to diffuse the conflict. Your desire is to help them and help your family thrive during this hard time. You’re not their enemy. (You might need to remind them of that!) And always make sure you ask questions in a humble and gracious way; a way in which they know you are their friend and sister in the Lord.

In my marriage, sometimes I would just let my husband know I needed to be alone or I needed to get some rest. This usually took care of the problem.

Since we all fall short, any spouse, whether they are ill or not, will need to be rebuked at some point in their lifetime.

An open rebuke is better than hidden love! Wounds from a sincere friend are better than many kisses from an enemy. Proverbs 27:5,6 NLT

Dear brothers and sisters, if another believer is overcome by some sin, you who are godly should gently and humbly help that person back onto the right path. And be careful not to fall into the same temptation yourself. Gal. 6:1 NLT

If a person’s heart is to please the Lord and thrive in their marriage and family life, then it’s just a matter of time before the two of you will figure out how to go through life bringing glory to the Lord through your chronic illness.

Remember that God is allowing the illness to take place in your life (whether you’re the sick spouse or the supportive spouse), therefore don’t use the illness as an excuse to sin against Him and others.

Now it’s your turn! Is there anything else you can add to this list? Please share in the comments so others can benefit from it.

Live a poured out life for Christ,

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I’m linking up with: To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, Women Living Well, and The Better Mom.

Filed Under: Chronic Illness, Marriage Tagged With: caring for the chronically ill, chronic illness in marriage, communicating with your spouse

Chronic Illness in Marriage: Practical Tips to Living with Limitations (Part 3)

April 30, 2013 by Jolene Engle 7 Comments

Mind.

Body.

Spirit.

All three of these are impacted in a person’s life when living with a chronic illness. So today I’m going to give you some practical tips to help you thrive in each of these areas.

Mentally and Emotionally Thriving

Whether you have a mental illness that you’re dealing with or if you’re battling the occasional depression because of your chronic ill-health, I hope what I share here will bring encouragement to your situation.

Mental health is an interesting challenge. Let me be clear here, I’m no doctor and I don’t fully understand this problem, I only know my situation. For me, my depression was part physiological and also a by-product due to my bleak and overwhelming circumstances. Most people will be depressed from time to time in their life just because their life’s circumstances look depressing. Others deal with depression because there’s an imbalance going on in their body. Some people deal with both. For a chronically-ill person, you need to pinpoint your problem so you can figure out how to deal with this nasty culprit.

For my body, each month like clockwork I’d go into depression. “What in the world?” was often my thoughts when I’d sink in my depression. Honestly, I didn’t feel like there was anything for me to be depressed by, yet I felt depressed. Later I learned that my on-going depression was related to my imbalanced hormones. I could track my monthly cycle and see that around Day 10 or 11 of my cycle I would just mentally plummet. This issue would irk me to no end! It’s one thing to not be able to control your physical body but it’s all together something different when you can’t control your mind. I had a physiological problem that I needed to fix or at least cope with.

Tip: One of the worst things you can do with depression is…nothing, because it’ll just manifest in your life and I don’t mean in a good way!

When a person’s mental perspective is not right and they are constantly living in a pit of depression and despair, they need to figure a way out of that pit. If you need to take medication, then take it. Personally, I sought alternative medicine for my mental health just to get me back in balance due to the fact that my entire endocrine system was jacked up. If you want to take a more natural approach to this problem then seek out a clinical nutritionist or a natural/holistic/alternative doctor in your area.

When my depression was so severe I’d just go into my room to be alone. I didn’t want to lash out at my family because of my frustrations, so instead I tried to protect them from the imbalance that my body was experiencing. I thought it was best if I removed myself from the situation than to do or say things I would later regret.

Tip: Be proactive in bettering your mental health regardless of the type of doctor you seek out. Find out if your depression is caused by an imbalance in your body or if it’s related to your dire circumstances.

And because my boys were very young during this time of my life; ages 1 and 3, I needed to make sure I didn’t over-commit myself which would just lead me to feeling overwhelmed. I was already living with chronic fatigue and adrenal exhaustion. So this was a daily learning experience for me.

Tip: Don’t over-commit yourself. If you already feel overwhelmed in life then you need to lessen your obligations.

Physically Thriving

If you have physical limitations in your body then try not to over do life. A sick body needs rest and lots of it. As much as we don’t enjoy taking naps and lying on the couch for another afternoon, it’s just a part of what our bodies need. Over the years I used to feel so guilty over the fact that I needed to lay down and take a break, because in my mind, I had other things to take care of.

Tip: Take it easy. Nap if you need to. Hire a house keeper if you can.

But the flip side to this is if you’re wallowing in depression because of your circumstances. If that’s the case, then you need to get up and get out and just push through. That was my gauge when my depression would set in. Once a week I usually had to get out of the house just for my own sanity regardless of my exhaustion and the pain that was throbbing in my body.

Tip: Learn to be flexible.

With a chronic illness you never know how you’re going to feel on any given day.

“It’s a plan, not a promise.” This is a statement I say often to my children. When they were really little I didn’t even bother to tell them my plans. If I woke up that day feeling great, then we did things. If I woke up feeling horrible, then we didn’t.

I also encouraged my family to do things without me when I couldn’t muster up enough strength to do some of the activities we had planned. I didn’t make them feel guilty by going places without me nor did I make them stay home with me just because I felt miserable.

Tip: Let your family live their lives in spite of your limitations. They need to get out of the house too.

Tip: Take the needed nutrients, supplements and/or medications. (Even if you are feeling better! This would often be my downfall.)

I had one doctor tell me that managing my health was a full-time job. Well, that didn’t go over too well with me. I wanted to live my life, not lose it by spending enormous amounts of my time fixing my body on a daily basis. Yes, I was in denial!

Tip: Eat right. (Yes, even if the food tastes disgusting!)

Many of our chronic conditions can be healed due to what we don’t put in our bodies.

In America, a host of chronic illnesses are self-inflicted. For example, if a person is a drug addict, an alcoholic, or a smoker, there will be ramifications to one’s health. The same is true with gluttony. If we don’t exercise self-control in our eating, it can lead to obesity which can easily cause diabetes, high blood pressure, heart disease or a host of other chronic illnesses. Our bodies need certain nutrients to thrive, but sadly, we don’t always seek what’s best for our health until our health is failing. And let’s be honest, who in their right mind can resist a delicious chocolate brownie? But a self-inflicted illness is the easiest to treat. Seek medical attention or find an addiction counselor so you can prevent any further damage from happening to your body.

Tip: Choose to eat whole foods over processed foods.

Organic is best but that’s not the reality for everyone’s budget. If you can’t afford organic, then purchase products that are preservative-free, artificial-flavor and artificial-color free. The more you move towards God-made food rather than man-made food, the better your body will respond. Now I know this process is hard! But my saying is this…

“When you’re sick and tired of being sick and tired, you’ll do whatever it takes!”

Tip: Exercise.

Exercising is great for your mental perspective but it’s a catch-22 for a sick person. If you exercise too much or too hard, you’ll become sicker because your immune system can’t handle the overexertion. Of course this was my journey. (Scoff) So I always had to alter my workouts. I’ve tried it all. Walking, swimming, running, the Curves circut, The Shred, P90x, and the most recent one that I’m doing now is T-Tapp. My body thrives the most with T-Tapp. You can find more about it here. (And no, I don’t get paid for endorsing it.) T-Tapp is an unusual workout program and me trying to explain it to you just won’t do it any justice. In a nutshell, it’s a workout program for those with hormone issues, lymphatic problems, lupus, fibro, chronic fatigue, etc., plus, it strengthens and tones your body. I highly encourage everyone to check it out whether you have chronic illnesses or not.

Spiritually Thriving

Many years ago when my ill-health journey was just beginning I felt I needed to step down from leading Bible studies at my church. I didn’t feel like I could take care of my family and lead a group at the same time. But my husband insisted I continue to minister to the women that year because he saw that I spiritually needed it. He wasn’t concerned if the home wasn’t as clean as he liked. What he was most concerned with was that I was spiritually thriving during a very bleak and depressing time of my life. He could see that my illnesses could cause me to turn inward and become depressed, therefore at his urging I remained in ministry that year.

Tip: Stay in the Word of God. The Vine is your life-line, (whether you’re physically ill or healthy!)

Tip: Stay in fellowship as much as possible.

I still went to church because my theory was… “I was in pain and exhausted whether I was at home or not.” It was always better for me to be worshiping the Lord while being sick than staying home and being sick. Of course if you have bodily fluids exiting your body that would prevent you from attending church, then please stay home!

And if my pain left me curled up in the fetal position unable to move, then I stayed home. But for the most part, I was usually in church every Sunday morning because my spirit needed to be ministered to. After church I typically had my husband take me home so I could go straight to bed. This was our pattern for years. And on some occasions to this day we still do this if my body warrants it.

Tip: Try to do something where you’re able to minister to someone else.

Using your spiritual gifts allows the Holy Spirit to manifest through you. It’s in these moments that you feel not only spiritually stronger but your eyes are on God’s kingdom and not on your suffering. This one area of my life is what has helped me to not throw habitual pity-parties for myself. It’s kept me heavenly minded.

To the supportive spouse: Encouragement in all of these areas is what’s best for your spouse to hear, rather than hearing critical or condemning words when we’re not following doctor’s orders, or our healthy diets, or when we just don’t have the mental strength to push through our pain.

Anything else you can add to this list? Please share in the comments!

Next up in this series I’m going to discuss ways to communicate with your spouse while living with chronic illnesses.

Prior posts in this series:

In Sickness and In Health: Dealing with Chronic Illness in Marriage (Part 1)

Chronic Illness in Marriage: There’s a Purpose for the Pain (Part 2)

Live a poured out life for Christ,

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Filed Under: Chronic Illness, Marriage Tagged With: chronic illness, health problems, living with physical limitations

Chronic Illness In Marriage: There’s a Purpose for the Pain (Part 2)…& a Link-Up!

April 28, 2013 by Jolene Engle 20 Comments

Any person living with a chronic illness has asked this question…

Why God?

Why have you allowed all of this pain and suffering in my life?

I’ve asked the Lord that question before. Many times in fact. In my limited understanding and lack of spiritual maturity it made absolutely no sense to me as to why the Lord would allow such debilitating disease to run through my body. All I wanted to do was serve Him, but in my physical weaknesses that pursuit seemed impossible.

And yes, I had the audacity and arrogance to question His plan and His workings in my life. Sound familiar?

Who am I to question God?

So you’ve lost your life like you once knew it and living with limitations is downright exhausting, daunting, frustrating, overwhelming and depressing. But let me show you a different perspective on your life; a perspective to shed some spiritual light on your situation. I’m going to lay a foundation for you so your spiritual well-being will flourish in spite of your failing and diminishing health.

I call this, Death and Disease 101.

Once we come into this world our bodies naturally start to die. And back in the Garden when sin entered into this world, disease entered in as well. Every human being will experience some form of a disease whether it’s just a simple head cold or something much more serious like cancer at some point in their lives. And of course, all of us will die.

But let’s go deeper and deal with the chronic stuff; the stuff that we say keep us from living our lives. In all honesty, if we study the Scriptures we’ll see that God is working on our behalf ,yet it’s the enemy who tells us our lives are either worthless or over.

For the Works of God to be revealed in You

I love this passage. It ministers to my soul to know that what I’m suffering through will be used to reveal God to others. Hmmm, sounds like I’m being used by God in spite of my illnesses.

Now as Jesus passed by, He saw a man who was blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, saying, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him.”

To Keep You from Becoming Proud

Now this passage I don’t like so much, because, well…I have a thorn in my flesh and I have it because of my pride. Not all those who have a chronic illness have a thorn in their flesh so please don’t read into that. However, do let the Holy Spirit move in your heart as read this passage so you can find out for yourself. 2 Corinthians 11:16-33, 12:1-10

So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Cor. 12:7-9 NLT

There’s a deep spiritual beauty in those verses. If you happen to have a thorn in your flesh then take heart in knowing that Christ is working through you in spite of your circumstances.

To Sift You as Wheat

Many times our faith becomes so weak when we walk through the land of ill-health. It’s a natural response because it’s part of our humanity. And because of this, it’s common for depression and despair to accompany us on this journey. This now compounds our trial from being just a physical one to now being a mental and emotional as well. Yet again, God is always working on our behalf. But because we live in the temporary world often times we’re unable to see what’s taking place in the spiritual realm…

And the Lord said, “Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. “But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren.” Luke 22:31,32

Don’t lose heart during your physical sufferings, (I know this is not easy to hear!) but as you endure the cross that is set before you continue to keep your eyes on the Lord. He’s with you and He’s interceding on your behalf so that your faith should not fail. And the purpose behind your pain is so when you’ve gone through the deep waters you’ll be able to strengthen your brethren. Your experiences will minister to others which will ultimately bring glory to God. Again, you’re being used by God in your weakened state. It’s an odd concept, isn’t it?

So You Can Comfort Others

The book of Job is the book of comfort for every Believer. I think everyone can relate to Job’s life in one way or another. There are some phenomenal lessons to learn from Job, more specifically how not to live a life of entitlement.

And he said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, And naked shall I return there. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD.” In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong. Job 1:21,22

Then Job replied to the LORD: ”I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. You asked, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’ It is I—and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me. You said, ‘Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.’ I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.” Job 42:1-6

It is within our arrogance and self-entitlement that we say God does not know what He is doing with our lives. We know He can heal us but instead of accepting our limitations we covet our old selves. This path can so easily turn it into a form of idolatry.

My ‘old normal’ self would say…

I’m an overachiever who shoots for perfection.

I’m terrified of failure.

I don’t care to be humble.

And the last thing I’d ever want to do is rely on someone else to care for my basic needs.

But I live in a body where chronic illnesses don’t leave.

Therefore…

Everyday is a day where I just get by.

Everyday I feel like a failure.

Everyday my illnesses chip away more of my pride.

And everyday I’m too weak to do life by myself.

It’s easy to live in a state of despair, but we worship a God who gives us hope.

So find the beauty amongst the ashes. That’s how I’ve come to view chronic illnesses (at least most days!)

My new normal says…

It’s good to be God-reliant rather than self-reliant.

A humble spirit is much more attractive on a person than a prideful one. I personally would rather spend my days with a humble person than a prideful one any day of the week.

And a humble spirit emulates our Savior which in turn will draw others closer to Jesus Christ.

Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18

There’s a purpose for our pain. Our perishing bodies are being used for His glory. And that, my friend, is the type of ‘new normal’ that I want my life to represent. It’s a life that is being poured out for Jesus Christ.

Regardless of the quality of life that we have or don’t have, it is our Maker who gives us life and sustains us. It is our responsibility to make the most of our lives seeking to lift Him up for all to see.

Perhaps you’re the supportive spouse in this situation? Well, you get to be the hands and feet of Jesus to your hurting spouse. You’re the Good Samaritan Wife. You’re the one who brings us physical comfort. You’re the one who offers us our basic necessities. You’re the one who’s not in physical pain and therefore you’re not dealing with the mental anguish that accompanies the unrelenting pain we’re dealing with. When we can’t see straight, you’re the one who has the honor and privilege to bring our requests before the Great Throne of God. We can’t get through this without you. You’re needed and so is your ministry to us.

And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Galatians 6:9

But as for you, brethren, do not grow weary in doing good. 2 Thes. 3:13

Now what can you add? Can you see God working in your situation? I’d love for you to share your thoughts in the comments!

Next up in this series I’ll discuss practical tips to living with limitations.

If you missed Part 1 of this series, you can read it here:

In Sickness and In Health: Dealing with Chronic Illness in Marriage.

Live a poured out life for Christ,

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Filed Under: Chronic Illness, Marriage Tagged With: chronic illness in marriage

In Sickness and In Health: Dealing with Chronic Illness in Marriage (Part 1)

April 25, 2013 by Jolene Engle 26 Comments

This is a hard post for me to write. In fact, when I think about my days, weeks, months and years of ‘living in the land of chronic-ill health’ tears naturally well up in my eyes. Honestly, I think I emotionally avoid writing posts on health- related topics because I can’t get through the writing of them without breaking down and crying.

Because…

The memories.

The pain.

The scars.

The lost of quality of life.

Feelings like I lived in a prison because I was/am trapped in my own body.

Sometimes those thoughts are just too much for me to deal with and therefore I want to avoid Memory Lane at all cost.

Yet, it’s part of my story. Much like all of the financial struggles we’ve lived through, the broken family relationships I’ve had, the persecutions I’ve experienced, and the past poor choices I made prior to giving my heart to Jesus Christ.

It’s all part of me. And I share me here, with you.

But my straight-forward and real self says, “Sometimes I don’t want to share these thoughts with you.” My reason for saying this is not because I want to hide my life from you, but rather, it’s because the memories still hurt and I’m not fully healed; chronic illness is still my companion. So in my weakness…I cry.

But honestly if I choose to take the path of not sharing with you and helping you due to the fact that I don’t want to be in any emotional pain, well, then my testimony and all that the Lord has brought me through would serve no purpose to the Kingdom of God. And that just won’t work for this gal being that my sole ambition and purpose is to live for Christ. As Christians, we are called to build each other up and encourage one another regardless of whether I feel like it or not. I’ve come to the conclusion that just because I’m a reserved person this does not give me the right to shy away from those I minister to. After all, this is not my ministry, it’s the Lord’s. And my Father is very clear with what He has asked me to do…

Share my life with other hurting, discouraged, fearful, and disappointed women. Because we are sisters. We are the Body of Christ.

All of us walk the path of reality, the reality that life is hard.

All of us grow weary.

All of us have insecurities.

All of us have fears and failures.

All of us have good days and bad days.

All of us have tears that stream down our faces from the disappointments and trials in our lives.

Even when we are weighed down with troubles, it is for your comfort and salvation! For when we ourselves are comforted, we will certainly comfort you. Then you can patiently endure the same things we suffer. 2 Cor. 1:6 NLT

So regardless of my emotions I’m going to address chronic illness in marriage. I know this topic will turn into a series because there’s no possible way I can write just one blog post on it. I hope what spills out from my heart will minister to you whether you’re the one experiencing the chronic illness or whether it’s your husband.

Chronic illness in marriage is no walk in the park. The majority of my marriage has been comprised of me living with silent chronic illnesses, meaning, I’m not in a wheelchair nor am I hooked up to an I.V. or an oxygen tank, etc. You can’t see my chronic illnesses because they are silent to the eye. When people see me they think I’m normal, well to a certain extent! To their eye I look completely healthy. But that’s not my reality. And that’s not the reality for most Americans.

“Nearly half of all Americans live their day-to-day lives with at least one chronic illness as a companion. Cancer, diabetes, heart disease, chronic fatigue syndrome, Crohn’s disease, asthma, arthritis, lupus, sickle cell anemia and a host of other conditions pillage millions of personal lives and marriages each year. Statistics show that over 75 percent of marriages plagued by chronic illness end in divorce.

Nothing quite assists a spouse in understanding his or her role of helpmate like a chronic illness. For married couples, a diagnosis means twice the heartache, discomfort and worry.” ~Focus on the Family

For most young couples the idea of sickness in marriage doesn’t seem like much of a consideration. The young, bright-eyed, vibrant and healthy couple doesn’t give much thought to the ‘in sickness’ part of their vows, that is until chronic illness strikes them.

I often think it might be easier to enter marriage when you know there are physical limitations to either you or your spouse, after all, you already know what you’re dealing with. You’re more mentally prepared for your role when you know what you’re getting yourself into. But that’s not always the case for every couple. For some, the chronic illness happens after the vows and when that happens it’s normal for you to feel a sense of devastation and loss whether you are the patient or the supportive spouse. Living with health limitations was not what you had in mind for your life or your marriage.

So when the chronic illness takes up residence in your home and you’ve lost your old, ‘normal’ life, you need to find your new ‘normal’ for your marriage and family.

Join me next time when I discuss having the right perspective while living with health-related limitations in your marriage.

Live a poured out life for Christ,

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I’m linking up with: To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, Women Living Well, and The Better Mom.

Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: chronic illness, chronic illness in marriage, in sickness and in health marriage vows

How a Christian Wife Can Be Dangerous to the Enemy

April 24, 2013 by Jolene Engle 17 Comments

This post is not what you think. In fact, you might wonder if I’ve gone off the deep end by writing it from this perspective. And, well, if that’s what you think, I’m okay with that!

I’m not going to tell you that you can be dangerous to the Enemy by being a wife who prays more. (Although this activity will work.)

I’m not going to tell you to read your Bible more. (But this will bend Satan out of shape.)

And I’m not going to tell you to watch your words, respect your husband, serve the Lord, etc. (These will tick him off too.)

What I’m going to tell you is something totally different. Yet this act will strengthen your marriage, which in turn will cause you to be dangerous to the Enemy. Anytime a marriage is strong and the couple is living for the Lord, who then gets that glory? Yep. The Lord! And who hates that? Yep. Satan.

So I get these letters from wives. Letters that say….

“All my husband ever wants from me is sex.”

When I read a statement like that my first inkling is to smile and then I think, “Well, don’t you want your husband to sexually desire you? I mean, come on now, isn’t that why you got married in the first place?”

But then I process her thought even more and that’s when I realize Satan’s got a foothold in her marriage.

We already know God designed sex for marriage. This vulnerable and intimate act wasn’t intended for any other relationship than that of the husband and wife. Our Creator is pretty darn smart, don’t you think? I believe He knew what He was doing when He created the marriage bed. But Satan is hellbent on destroying marriages and if he can plant seeds into your mind that your husband is some kind of animal, well then, the Enemy will plant those seeds… and many times a wife will start to water them! Don’t listen to that Snake.

Here’s something for you to ponder in your marriage….

What if your man said to you,

“All you ever want to do is talk to me!” ”And when will you ever stop?” Could you ever imagine him saying that?

That wouldn’t go over so well with you now, would it? If our husbands said that to us we’d feel deeply hurt and rejected by our man.

And by the way, is it such a bad idea that he wants to be physically intimate with you? Or would you prefer him to desire another woman? Just sayin!

Consider this….what if he stops desiring you? How would that make you feel? Beautiful? Probably not. Desired? Nope.

Sometimes looking at your situation through a different lens is all you need to adjust your perspective.

So now do you see that his desire for you is a good thing? Don’t worry now, I live in the real world….I know this does not mean you’ll automatically enjoy being intimate with your husband because the reality is, there’s a battle going on in your mind. (If sex is painful for you, then read this post.)

How a Christian Wife Can Be Dangerous to the Enemy

A husband who sexually desires his wife is a beautiful thing. Try saying that a few times to yourself so you can change your mindset. Again, your authority in this perspective is the Word of God, not your feelings and emotions.

Let your wife be a fountain of blessing for you. Rejoice in the wife of your youth. She is a loving deer, a graceful doe. Let her breasts satisfy you always. May you always be captivated by her love. Prov. 5:18-19

Do not deprive each other of sexual relations, unless you both agree to refrain from sexual intimacy for a limited time so you can give yourselves more completely to prayer. Afterward, you should come together again so that Satan won’t be able to tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Cor. 7:5

Physical intimacy for a wife starts in her mind…

Ask yourself if you’re inviting Satan into your marriage bed when you tell yourself you don’t enjoy being intimate with your husband?

And are you buying the lie Satan has perpetrated in your mind that all your husband ever wants from you is sex? He might want dinner, as well. :)

Renew your mind regarding physical intimacy.

Think on what is true, noble, lovely…. God designed the act of marriage, therefore it’s a lovely thing! Score 1 point for the wife. 0 points for Satan.

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if [there is] any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy–meditate on these things. Phil. 4:8

A wife generally connects with her husband by talking with him and a husband generally connects with his wife through physical intimacy. You want your husband to connect with you, don’t you?

Prepare your mind.

Don’t just leave physical intimacy to chance. Like after you’ve worked hard all day long. Now you’re exhausted and you can’t wait to collapse into bed but the next thing you know you feel his hand reaching for your body…When you approach physical intimacy like this, you can’t exactly expect to enjoy it. After all, your body is saying no and so is your mind. The mental battle has already been lost. Score 1 point for the Enemy.

Plan and Protect.

Satan does not want you to draw closer to your husband! If he can get the two of you to have very little sex or stop you from having sex, or convince you that you despise having sex with your husband, then guess what? Your marriage is now under attack! Be intentional about defeating the Enemy in regards to this aspect of your marriage. Plan your times of intimacy with your husband so you’re not so exhausted at the end of the day. Put the kids to bed earlier. Don’t over-commit yourself to outside activities. Take a nap.

Fight the battle…

Be a wife who actively pursues her husband.

Be a wife who looks forward to being intimate with her husband.

Be a wife who places a higher importance upon her marriage rather than on motherhood, a career, outside relationships, ministry, etc. One simple tip is dressing like a hottie that day instead of a mommy. That’s what I try to do even though, I’m, well, older than hottie status. :)

Be a wife who embraces what God has ordained specifically for marriage rather than a wife who rejects it.

I guarantee you if you take these measures to strengthen your marriage, then the by-product will be a marital relationship that’s flourishing. And when a marriage is thriving and not merely surviving….it’s one huge threat to the Enemy!

Dare to be dangerous to the Enemy!

Live a poured out life for Christ,

*If your husband does not desire physical intimacy with you, read this post.

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Filed Under: Marriage, Physical Intimacy Tagged With: learning to desire your husband, physical intimacy, sex, sex in a christian marriage, the act of marriage, the marriage bed

10 Ways to Live in an Unequally Yoked Marriage

April 23, 2013 by Jolene Engle 7 Comments

So you’re married to an unbelieving spouse and you might be thinking, “What do I do now?” Or perhaps you’re thinking, “I can no longer live with this wretched man!”

In some unequally yoked marriages the unbelieving husbands aren’t hostile towards the Gospel, meaning, they don’t mind you going to church. They don’t mind having worship and praise songs in the home. And they don’t mind you raising your kids in the faith. They are not angry about your Christian faith. But that’s not always the case for every unequally yoked marriage.

Some unbelieving husbands condemn wives for going to church. Some forbid them to listen to any “Jesus/church” music in the house or car. And some husbands won’t even allow their wives to spend time with their Christian friends and family. In fact, some would like to move their wives out of state! Well, I got news for a man like that…Jesus will still be in Texas, New York, West Virginia, etc. No matter where he wants to take his wife Jesus will always be with her because He’s in her heart!

This post is geared towards the wife married to an unbelieving husband who is hostile towards the Gospel. But even if your man is not hostile towards your faith I believe what I’m going to share today will minister to you. Goodness, if you’re breathing and married…I think these tips will help you, too.

10 Ways to Live In an Unequally Yoked Marriage

1. Find a common authority in your marriage and build from there.

Ask him if he feels it would be appropriate in your marriage to treat each other with respect? The word respect might grab his attention.

Ask him if he feels it would be appropriate if the two of you had sex? Again, he might be listening to you now!

Ask him if he feels it would be appropriate if the two of you were kind to one another?

If a husband says no to all of these basic marital questions then I’d ask him why he’s staying in the marriage? Why hasn’t he left you yet? Is a marriage filled with strife, contentions, void of love and physical intimacy the type of marriage he’s always dreamed of?

You’re not looking to get into a disagreement with him here. Nor are you looking to preach at him either! You are simply looking to find answers to his heart. You’re being a friend to him as you find out what makes him tick in regards to your marriage.

After you learn what he has to say, (I’m going to assume he said yes to the respect, sex and kindness,) then you build from there in your marriage. So when the arguments ensue, you could come back to asking him questions in a humble manner.

Hey honey, didn’t you say you felt it was appropriate for our marriage if we treated each other with respect and kindness? Can we start over and do that?

A soft answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger. Prov. 15:1

2. Diffuse the conflict.

It’s easy for an unbeliever to feel like they’re an enemy with someone who’s a Believer. As a wife, try not to make him out as your enemy, because he’s not. The Lord calls the two of you one flesh.

One of my favorite verses regarding a difficult person is this one…

If your enemies are hungry, give them food to eat. If they are thirsty, give them water to drink. You will heap burning coals of shame on their heads, and the LORD will reward you. Prov. 25:21,22

Is it easy to heap burning coals of shame upon someone’s head? Absolutely not! You’ve got to die to your flesh.

I have a couple of friends that are in marriages where they are unequally yoked. One friend’s husband is outright hostile towards her and her faith. One day as I was sharing with her I asked what her husband’s favorite homemade cookie was. Her response, “Chocolate chip.” At the time of the conversation she was serving in our church’s kitchen making, guess what? Chocolate chip cookies for our cafe! I said to her she should go home and make a batch of chocolate chip cookies for her husband. Just because. Not to butter him up or manipulate him. But as a kind gesture. She looked at me like I had lost my mind. And then I told her to make some dough, roll up individual balls and place them in the freezer. And the next time her and her husband got into a fight she should whip them out and bake them up for him. At this point her mouth dropped open and she gave me the stink eye that said, “You’ve got to be kidding me.”

A homemade chocolate chip cookie could soften just about anyone’s heart towards you. (Now keep in mind I’m not generally a very nice person and if I can soften someone’s heart over a batch of homemade cookies, I believe anyone can!)

Being that you’re married to your guy, here’s something else you can try to soften his heart. Start taking your clothes off in the midst of the argument. Yep, you read that right. I said, “Get naked.” I’m sure he wouldn’t know what hit him. Again, I would take this approach if I wanted to soften his outrageous and sometimes completely ridiculous rantings and outbursts. (Mind you, I’m not talking about a guy who is physically, emotionally or mentally abusing you, but rather someone who is not exercising self-control in the midst of an argument.) He doesn’t have the power of the Holy Spirit dwelling in him, therefore, he’s not going to exercise self-control like a Believer would. So keep that perspective.

3. Show humility.

Something I hear often from wives who are unequally yoked with their husbands is that they’re constantly walking on eggshells as their husband is waiting to point out to them how they have missed the mark. Well, here’s a new flash. WE ALL MISS THE MARK! But these wives feel because they’re representing Christ, they need to be perfect in their husband’s presence since he’s always watching her. Well, yes, I would agree that your witness matters to the unbeliever, but there’s a big difference between trying to please the Lord and being perfect. Perfection is not attainable here on earth. Something I believe every marriage needs, whether the man is saved or not… is humility.

When you screw up, apologize. It’s as simple as that. I believe our world needs more humility. Imagine if we all walked through life humble? Wouldn’t that be an interesting site to behold? Hmmm, we’d all start to look a little bit more like Jesus, wouldn’t we?

So try the path of humility rather than perfection. By the way, pursuing perfection is exhausting. Don’t even bother taking this path. I think when your husband hears you constantly apologizing for falling short, perhaps he’ll feel a little more compassionate and empathetic towards you rather than outright hostile. Of course he won’t always embrace this because you’re walking in the Light and he’s in darkness. Sometimes those in darkness recoil by having the Light turned on them. But again, humility gives them a chance to realize they don’t have to act so proud, so tough, so “I’ve got everything under control and I don’t need Jesus in my life.”

Humility says, “I don’t have everything under control and I need my Savior to help me.”

4. Attempt to be his friend.

Take up a hobby with him. Ask yourself what was it about him that initially drew you to him in the first place? Think on those attributes and tell him about it. He’ll like hearing your loving and encouraging words about him.

5. Minister to him.

Make sure you spend more time ministering to him and your marriage rather than to anyone else, including those at church. I know a woman who is always at church serving, yet on a regular basis she’s leaves her unbelieving husband at home to make his own frozen t.v. dinners. It’s easy for a husband like this to become bitter towards the Christian faith. Don’t let your serving others cause him disdain towards your God. A marriage like this is out of order regardless of his faith or lack thereof.

6. Don’t major in the minors.

If he doesn’t like chicken for dinner, then don’t bother preparing it for him. If he doesn’t like having pictures on the wall, then don’t put them up. My man’s a Believer but he can’t stand peanut butter. (I happen to like it, especially in my dark chocolate ice cream!) But if I made a dessert with peanut butter in it I’m sure he would feel disrespected and somewhat unloved because I dismissed his preferences. In the scope of things this minor stuff does not matter. It does nothing for God’s kingdom. Remember, you’re here to build God’s kingdom, not your own.

7. Major in the majors.

Let him know you’ll do your best to be respectful to him and ask him to be respectful to you, more specifically when it comes to your relationship with the Lord.

8. Initiate physical intimacy with him.

Every husband needs this from his wife. Period. Now if you can’t go there just yet, then do your best to just like him.

9. Grow strong in the Lord.

Other things to do for your own spiritual well-being is make sure you’re attending church, reading your Bible, listening to praise and worship music with earbuds so he’s not so annoyed. Surround yourself with strong Christian women who would encourage you in this journey. You need this so you can walk in the Spirit. And if he still gets angry and you can’t deal with his antics, then remove yourself from the situation for a time. Go for a drive and let him know you’ll return later when things have cooled down. Come back when you’re walking in the Spirit and not your flesh. And then try to heap more burning coals of shame upon his head when you return. Prov. 25:22

10. Pray for you and your husband.

Ask the Lord to give you His eyes of compassion, grace and mercy for your man. If you knew your husband was going to die tonight and he wasn’t saved yet, would you treat him differently knowing that he was going to Hell?

Pray without ceasing. 1 Thes. 5:17

Bottom line: It is not your responsibility to bring your husband to the Lord. That’s the Holy Spirit’s role. Your role is to please the Lord by walking in the Spirit.

The unbeliever is not governed by the same Authority that you are. They don’t have the power of the Holy Spirit who can intercede on their behalf. And they don’t have the fruits of the Spirit: His love, joy, peace, longsuffering, etc. like you do.

Your God will be well pleased with you if you choose to walk in the Spirit.

In the same way, you wives must accept the authority of your husbands. Then, even if some refuse to obey the Good News, your godly lives will speak to them without any words. They will be won over by observing your pure and reverent lives. 1 Peter 3:1,2 NLT

Live a poured out life for Christ,

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I’m linking up with: Time-Warp Wife , To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, Women Living Well, and The Better Mom.

Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: unbelieving husband, unbelieving spouse, unequally yoked marriage

7 Biblical Ways to Resolve Conflict in Marriage…& a Link-Up!

April 21, 2013 by Jolene Engle 28 Comments

Conflict in marriage. What couple doesn’t have it?

One reader asked me about conflict in my marriage. Here’s her question…

Dear Jolene,

I was wondering if you and your husband could address how you have gotten through times when you did not necessarily agree or feel united together. While I admire your strong marriage, I wonder if you could share times when you and your husband were struggling in your relationship and how you overcame those challenges.

So, has there ever been a time in my marriage that I was at odds with my man?

When we couldn’t see eye to eye?

When we weren’t on the same page?

When he made me fuming mad?

When he brought this sweet thing to tears? (lol)

You betcha!

Take two, imperfect, human beings that are filled with sin, put them under the same roof and guess what you get? CONFLICT, with a capital “C”!

But who enjoys having a marriage like that? Certainly not me!

So, let me give you some biblical principles that my Beloved and I have applied to our marriage so we can: decrease the amount of conflict in our marriage, reach a resolution much quicker so we can remain ‘one’, and so my tears are minimized!

Conflict WILL take place in your marriage- expect it! But this list should help you be prepared to handle it in a way that is pleasing to the Lord. I’ve called this list my Marital Manifesto. It’s not an exhaustive list, but rather a starting place. Feel free to come up with some of your own rules for your marriage.

7 Biblical Ways to Resolve Conflict in Marriage

If you want to remain in the center of God’s will, then don’t even mention the idea of getting a divorce*. Nothing good can come from spewing the word, ‘divorce’ from your mouth and threatening your spouse with it. You are tearing down your house when you do so and you’re giving place to the enemy. Make an agreement to not even bring up that word in your marriage no matter how bad the argument or situation is. You may think your life is bad right now but going outside of God’s will will make your life even worse! His word is clear on that.

“So then, they are no longer two but one flesh. Therefore what God has joined together, let not man separate.” Matthew 19:6

Don’t let the sun go down on your wrath. Work out your conflict before you put your head on the pillow that night…even if it is 3am and you have responsibilities to take care of the next day. Your marriage is more important than those responsibilities. Give your marriage the priority it deserves. By going to bed and not resolving your conflict, once again, you are giving place to the enemy to sow seeds of discord in your marriage, not to mention a host of other things that you can dig up in your mind while you stew over the argument!

“Be angry, and do not sin”: do not let the sun go down on your wrath, nor give place to the devil. Ephesians 4:26,27

Choose your words wisely. Don’t hurler insults because once those words have left your mouth you can’t take them back. Yes, your man can forgive you for the harsh and cruel words you said but that does not mean he’ll forget what you said, what you accused him of, or what you called him.

Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words can never hurt me…well, let me tell you something about that funny school-yard rhyme: IT IS A BIG FAT LIE! Mean words hurt.

Let all bitterness, wrath, anger, clamor, and evil speaking be put away from you, with all malice. Ephesians 4:31

Don’t allow seeds of bitterness to grow in your marriage. If you allow those seeds to grow, it will break down your marital union. You’ll lose the emotional, spiritual, and physical closeness you once had with your spouse, plus, you’ll run the risk of losing respect for your man, and that, my friend, is not a good place to be! Deal with your issues, don’t sweep them under the rug. Be intentional about resolving your conflict otherwise the weeds of bitterness can choke out the love in your marriage.

Look after each other so that none of you fails to receive the grace of God. Watch out that no poisonous root of bitterness grows up to trouble you, corrupting many. Hebrews 12:15

Be mindful of the fact that your spouse is not perfect nor is he designed to be; he does not fill the role of your Savior.

For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. Romans 3:23

Be the more mature Christian. Try to let go of your fleshy desires and apologize first, even if it goes against every fiber of your being!

And be kind to one another, tenderhearted, forgiving one another, even as God in Christ forgave you. Ephesians 4:32

Be mindful of Who you belong to and Who you’re representing when you have conflict with your spouse. During your disagreement, ask yourself if what you’re saying and how you’re acting is pleasing to the Lord? This one little tip will start to extinguish the ‘selfishness flame’ real quick in your argument!

For you were bought at a price; therefore glorify God in your body and in your spirit, which are God’s. 1 Corinthians 6:20

Take the time to share some of these ideas with your spouse. Ask him what his thoughts are and what you guys can add or subtract from this list to better your times of disagreements. Then put those things into practice when the arguments come.

Here’s a hint sweet friends…..the more you do those things, the less conflict you’ll have in your marriage and the more unity and closeness you’ll have with your man!

Conflict in marriage certainly makes life difficult. Our flesh screams for our rights but my encouragement and challenge to you is this: Be more concerned about building God’s kingdom rather than building your own.

*Here’s two areas where the Bible allows for divorce: 1) if your man has been unfaithful and 2) if he is an unbeliever who wants a divorce. A note: If you are in a physically abusive relationship, please do everything you can to protect yourself and family. This may mean you’ll need to separate from your man.

Live a poured out life for Christ,

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I’m linking up with: Time-Warp Wife , To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, Women Living Well, and The Better Mom.

Now bloggers, it’s time to link up your posts!

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Filed Under: Marriage, Newlyweds Tagged With: marital conflict, marriage advice, resolving conflict in marriage

My Husband Has Committed Adultery. What Should I Do Now?

April 18, 2013 by Jolene Engle 16 Comments

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Adultery….

A betrayal at the deepest level.

My heart hurts so much when I receive emails from wives whose husbands have been unfaithful to them. I can’t even imagine the brokenness they must be feeling inside.

But then I read stories of how our God has redeemed and transformed marriages when the man had turned his life around and he’s seeking to restore his relationship with his wife. I say praise the Lord to this!

Yet, unfortunately, that is not always the case for every wife. While some husbands have ended their affairs, that does not mean they have necessarily sought restoration and reconciliation with their wife. And worse yet, some husbands have repeatedly strayed from the marriage committing one affair after another throughout their marriage.

All the wives of these husbands have sought forgiveness and reconciliation for their marriage yet their men have either emotionally or physically (in a sexual sense) left the marriage.

So the emails keep coming in from wives asking what they should do in this type of situation.

When I read a wife’s email about what has taken place in her marriage the number one thing I’m looking for is where her heart is in respect to her relationship with the Lord. And does she have children?

There’s a reason why God placed the option in His Word for a spouse to leave the marriage if the other was unfaithful…He knew not all spouses would want reconciliation.

So what’s a wife to do if she’s in this situation?

Here’s my response via video to one wife’s dilemma:

If you (or perhaps someone you know) is dealing with adultery here’s some things to consider:

First, forgiveness as a Believer is paramount! You need to forgive him.
Second, if your man wants to work on the marriage and if you feel the Lord is leading you to restoration, then walk this path. For some marriages, reconciliation and restoration from an affair will work. But for other marriages it won’t because the husband’s heart is hard towards God and towards his wife.
If your man is only seeking to skate by in your marriage because he got caught and he doesn’t want to lose his family, yet he’s not looking to truly love you as his wife, then you really need to ask yourself if you want to remain in the marriage for only those reasons. I personally don’t believe those are good enough reasons to stay in a marriage, after all, you are the one who will be doing the work of holding together a loveless relationship.
You need to ask yourself if it’ll be okay for you to never feel loved by him again?
Can you let go of the bitterness you have towards him?
Most importantly, what is your husband’s act of adultery doing to your relationship with the Lord? Is it drawing you away from Christ and causing you to feel bitterness towards the Lord? If it is, my encouragement to you would be for you to step away from the marriage. (Now if your man changes and has a truly repentant heart and you feel over time that the Lord is bringing the two of you together, then seek to restore the relationship!!) Otherwise, walk away from your marriage so you can protect your spiritual well-being. Be careful that you don’t turn your marriage/his unfaithfulness into an idol.

“You shall have no other gods before Me.” Exodus 20:3

Always make sure your relationship with the Lord is your number one concern as you walk this path.

Now this point is imperative….

What is your husband’s unrepentant, marital infidelity doing to the lives of your children?

When your man is committing sexual immorality throughout your marriage, is that the type of action you want your children to emulate when they’re grown and married? After all, that’s what he’s teaching them.

And what is the unrepentant infidelity teaching them about Jesus Christ? Marriage God’s way is a reflection of the love of Christ towards His bride, the Church.

Will this loveless marriage cause your children to stumble in their faith?

“But whoever causes one of these little ones who believe in Me to stumble, it would be better for him if a millstone were hung around his neck, and he were thrown into the sea. Mark 9:42

Bottom line: leave the marriage if your heart is growing hard towards the Lord and be on the lookout to make sure your children’s hearts aren’t growing hard either. And perhaps you leaving will be a wake-up call for your husband to get right with God ??

(If you have a marriage where your husband wants to restore the relationship and God is prompting in your heart to remain in your marriage, here’s a few sites of Christian couples that have done just that! These sites are a part of Christian Marriage Bloggers Assoc., a group that I’m affiliated with as well.)

Marriage Life Ministries

My Beloved is Mine

Redeeming Marriages

Affaircare

Live a poured out life for Christ,

I’m linking up with:

Filed Under: Marriage, Physical Intimacy, Sexual Sin Tagged With: adultery, adultery in christian marriage, affair in christian marriage, infidelity in a christian marriage, infidelity in marriage

Should Christians Live Together Before Marriage?

April 17, 2013 by Jolene Engle 4 Comments

This is not a popular topic to discuss. In fact, it will make you feel uncomfortable if you’re in this situation today.

Living with your significant other before marriage sure is a common practice in our culture. In fact, before I gave my heart to the Lord I used to live with my (at the time) boyfriend way back when.

But God’s Word is clear on this practice of sexual immorality…

It’s called sin. Fornication to be more exact. Those are not nice words to hear, but they are Truth. And the Truth is what I share here regardless of how it will be received.

Therefore put to death your members which are on the earth: fornication, uncleanness, passion, evil desire, and covetousness, which is idolatry. Col. 3:5

and the New Living Translation…

So put to death the sinful, earthly things lurking within you. Have nothing to do with sexual immorality, impurity, lust, and evil desires. Don’t be greedy, for a greedy person is an idolater, worshiping the things of this world. Col. 3:5

One woman wrote in sharing her situation about living with her man. You can see my response to her via my video.

If you’re unable to view the video in your email feed, you can see it here.

Perhaps you just got saved and you’re still living with your guy? Well, you’ve got a decision to make. A decision that matters to your soul and your spiritual growth.

You need to talk with your guy and let him know you want to follow and please the Lord with your life, and following the Lord in this situation requires one of two things from you…

A) Either you/he moves out.

B) The two of you get married. (If he’s not a Believer, read this post.)

So I say to those who aren’t married and to widows—it’s better to stay unmarried, just as I am. But if they can’t control themselves, they should go ahead and marry. It’s better to marry than to burn with lust. 1 Cor. 7:8-9

If he scoffs at your request, then that’s a clear indication that he is not committed to obeying the Lord. That’s a red flag for you because your man loves himself and his sin more than he loves the Lord. Now a new man in Christ would be open and sensitive to obeying the Lord. A man who is not truly saved couldn’t care less what God thinks about him.

You don’t want your spiritual well-being to suffer as a result of this sin. Being right with God is more important than being with some man that you don’t have a Biblical covenant with.

The earnest prayer of a righteous person has great power and produces wonderful results. James 5:16

If you’re living in habitual, unrepentant sin, our God is so holy that he can’t hear your prayers.

It’s your sins that have cut you off from God. Because of your sins, he has turned away and will not listen anymore. Isaiah 59:2

Choose today whom you will serve. You and your flesh? Or your God?

Live a poured out life for Christ,

Filed Under: Growing in Godliness, Marriage, Physical Intimacy, Sexual Sin Tagged With: fornication, living in sin, living together before marriage, sexual immorality

The #1 Thing a Christian Woman Should Look for In a Husband

April 16, 2013 by Jolene Engle 5 Comments

Recently, I’ve had a lot of single women write in looking for some Biblical guidance regarding their dating and/or engaged relationships. Their hearts, like all women, is to marry Mr. Right. No one wants to make the wrong choice in their spouse, so I could certainly understand some of their concerns! Oh how I wish I had the time to write a book for these gals! In the meantime, this post, as well as my Single’s Series will have to suffice.

So today I’m going to give you the #1 thing to look for in your future husband. If the guy you’re currently dating or engaged to does not have this #1 thing, then I highly caution you from furthering your relationship with him, even if that means you need to call of the wedding. It’s better to call off a wedding then be married to the wrong person!

The #1 Thing a Christian Woman Should Look for in a Husband…

He loves Jesus Christ more than he loves you or anybody else, (including himself!)

When a Christian woman is dating a man that either doesn’t believe in God or says he believes in God but his life does not reflect the fact that he has surrendered it to the Lord, then it is impossible for him to love you the way God designed husbands to love their wives. In a nutshell, if you choose to date/marry a man who does not submit his life to Jesus Christ you will most likely be disappointed in your marriage.

Do not be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. For what fellowship has righteousness with lawlessness? And what communion has light with darkness? And what accord has Christ with Belial? Or what part has a believer with an unbeliever? 2 Cor. 6:13,14

New Living Translation…

Don’t team up with those who are unbelievers. How can righteousness be a partner with wickedness? How can light live with darkness? What harmony can there be between Christ and the devil? How can a believer be a partner with an unbeliever? 2 Cor. 6:13,14

Any unmarried woman reading those verses would be making a grave mistake if she chooses to date/marry a man that does not follow the Lord. God put those words in the Bible for our protection. Friend, heed the Word of God and trust in the Lord!

As a single woman, you need to become a ‘fruit examiner’ of the potential suitors that come your way. Now you might be asking, “What’s a fruit examiner?”

Well, let me tell you.

The Bible says you’ll know them by their fruits.

“You can enter God’s Kingdom only through the narrow gate. The highway to hell is broad, and its gate is wide for the many who choose that way. But the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it. ”Beware of false prophets who come disguised as harmless sheep but are really vicious wolves. You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? A good tree produces good fruit, and a bad tree produces bad fruit. A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. Matthew 7:13-18

You can tell by a person’s actions and attitude if they are a true follower of Christ.

When I was a single woman I didn’t know much about the Bible nor exactly what to look for in my future husband. But one thing I did do is surrender my will and the choosing of my husband to the Lord. I placed that responsibility into His hands because I at least knew that God was brighter than I was (and still am!) By the way, I so don’t regret this decision!

Now here’s what I did know back then…

When I met a man who called himself a ‘Christian’ yet he acted no different than the unsaved men I dated before I came to Christ, that was an indication to me that something wasn’t right with his spiritual walk.

Of course the guy could’ve been saved, but what I was desiring was a man who was deeply committed to following Christ, not a man who was so easily swayed by his flesh. I was seeking a mature man of God. Not a man who just gave his heart to the Lord. After all, the man I was going to marry had the responsibility to spiritually lead me and I wasn’t willing to place that role into just any man’s hands.

In my very little understanding of the Scriptures I watched the guys actions and attitudes (their fruit) to see if what they said (their believe in God) lined up to what they did.

Jesus replied, “Anyone who loves me will obey my teaching. John 14:23 (NIV)

I wanted a man who truly loved Jesus; one who obeyed Him.

If a man is not solely committed to pleasing the Lord, guess what? He’s not going to love you very much. Now you may be thinking that your guy loves you so much today and it will always be like that throughout your marriage, well, I can pretty much guarantee you that will not always be the case.

I realize you have so much in common.

You talk all the time.

He makes you laugh.

He hangs on your every word.

He brings you flowers and takes you to nice places, etc.

But I’m here to tell you those things will change.

The reason why I can say these words so emphatically without knowing the love you and your man have for one another is because of the Scriptures.

The Bible says that the husband is to love his wife like Christ loved the Church. This is not a mere suggestion, but rather a command by God.

Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. Eph. 5:25

God knew the tendencies that husbands would have once they married their wives.

He knew the man would stop wooing and winning the heart of his woman.

He knew the man would become complacent in his marital relationship.

He knew the man would become distracted by various pursuits.

And He knew a man’s tendencies would be to lust after other women.

Therefore, our wise Creator gave our men a command. Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. Eph. 5:25

So dear sister, if you want your future husband to love you the way that Christ loved the church, then your man needs to love Jesus Christ more than he loves you.

He’s got to be submitted to Christ’s will for his life rather than his own.

When you’ve got a man who lives out his life in submission to the Lord, that is the type of man you’ll want to consider for marriage. Don’t settle for anything less!

Here’s a simple gauge for you:

His character should cause your character to become more holy, not happy.

Is your man’s devotion to Christ leading you closer to the Lord or further away from Him?

Do not be misled: “Bad company corrupts good character.” 1 Cor. 15:33

Not sure of what a true follower of Christ looks like? Check out this post on The 8 Earmarks of a Christian Husband.

Now let’s talk about the man you believe God brought to you; the man you prayed for. Yet your man is not a Believer. Well, my dear friend, God did not bring you that man to be your husband because God can not contradict Himself. *God’s will for you is not to bind you to an unbelieving husband. This would go against His nature. The Scriptures tell us not to be unequally yoked together with unbelievers. 2 Cor. 6:13

Keep in mind that Satan appears as an angel of light. He is known as the Deceiver. His desire is to pull you away from the Lord. If he can use a man to do that, he certainly will!

When the Lord moves in your life, it will line up with the Word of God.

When Satan moves in your life, it will be contrary to the Word of God.

Don’t follow your feelings, follow the Word of God.

Now let’s look at a man who believes in God but he’s not actively pursuing God. In your mind you believe he has the potential to grow in Christ. Well every man/woman on this planet has the potential to grow in Christ. Hitler even had that same potential. Bottom line: unfortunately not all men choose to follow the Lord.

Now let’s look at the man who does not know Christ. Perhaps you think you’re the one who can bring him to the Lord? Well, that’s certainly a possibility! By the way, this is referred to as missionary dating. (I believe you’re playing with fire on this one.)

Have you already shared the Gospel message with him? If not, why not? If you have, has he received the free gift of salvation? Or has he rejected it? If he has rejected it, why would you want to compromise your spiritual well-being in order to be with him?

One last thing for you to think on…

Let’s say you met two great men and each one wanted to take you out. One was a strong follower of Christ and the other one was not. Which one would you be most excited to go out with? (I’m assuming your answer would be the Believer!)

Don’t second-guess what the Lord is capable of doing in your life. You are His daughter and He knows exactly what man you need. Follow His lead and let Him hook you up to the one He has chosen just for you.

*If you’re married today to an unbelieving spouse, God deems him as the right one for you. God views the two of you as one flesh. Remember that you serve a redeeming God who can do all things. And God works all things together for His good. Romans 8:28

Live a poured out life for Christ,

I’m linking up with: Women Living Well.

Filed Under: Singleness Tagged With: christian singles, christian women, singleness, what to look for in a spouse

Learning to Trust Your Husband…& a Link-Up!

April 14, 2013 by Jolene Engle 9 Comments

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Trust in marriage can be broken so easily.

Whether a husband has turned to pornography, embraced a path of alcoholism, computer gaming, or what-have-you, it’s hard for a wife to continue to trust her man once he’s chosen to live a life where he’s only seeking to satisfy his flesh.

What’s a wife to do in this situation?

Here’s my response to this problem via video.

If you can’t view the video in your feed reader, you can watch it here.

One of the best things a wife can do if she’s struggling with trusting her husband is to ask him questions rather than parent him.

It’s never a wife’s role to be her husband’s mother. I KNOW there are women out there who feel like their husbands act like children, therefore, that’s why they treat them like kids. But when you take this approach in your marriage your man most likely won’t man up and lead his family. In his mind, why should he? He doesn’t feel like he can please his wife anyways.

As a wife you need to find the balance between the two: condemning him in his sin and enabling him in his sin. (My video will give you the answer to the balance needed in all marriages.)

A man needs grace (just like a woman) and he needs encouragement, not condemnation (just like a woman). But because there are dangers to the children (alcohol consumption) and porn (which is a detriment to the marriage), then boundaries need to be established so you can protect the marriage and family.

Ask him how you can encourage him in his role of a husband, father, protector, and provider.

Ask him where he needs you to extend him grace.

Ask him where he thinks it’s best for there to boundaries in the marriage/family.

And because of the areas that he’s struggling in, I’d ask him if he’d being willing to join a men’s Bible study or seek accountability from another Godly man because you don’t want to discourage him in his journey of growth.

Now, he might not have answers right away so give him time to pray and process all of this.

When you communicate this to him with the intentions of bringing God glory in your marriage and family life, rather than to make him feel like he’s not measuring up in your eyes, your man might be more apt to live a life that is pleasing to the Lord.

Let him know you want to be a gracious wife and you’re learning to grow in the Lord as well. And let him know your desire is to build him up and not tear him down.

A wise woman builds her home, but a foolish woman tears it down with her own hands. Proverbs 14:1

Ask him if he’s willing to help you strive in this area of your marriage. (It’s always easier for a husband to show humility when his wife does too!)

Live a poured out life for Christ,

I’m linking up with:

Now bloggers, it’s time to link up your posts!

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Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: alcoholism, marital advice, pornography in christian marriage, trust in marriage

How I Designed My Blog and the Story of My Blogging Journey

April 12, 2013 by Jolene Engle 8 Comments

I’ve been asked about blogging so I thought I’d share what I’ve done in hopes that it’ll help anyone who’s looking to start an on-line ministry or just for those who want to get into blogging.

Some of the questions I’ve been asked are:

Who designed my site? Or did I do it myself?”

“What platform do I use?”

“How did I know where to begin with an on-line ministry?”

Here’s my response via video.

Source

If you can’t view the video in your feed reader, you can see it here.

I’m currently using StudioPress and the theme for my site is Prose. (Now I LOVE wordpress!)

I found my social media icons (the hearts at the top of my page) on this website. Then I altered them to match my site.

The blogging book I used to help me while I was using Blogger as my platform was the book, “How to Design a Blog for Free,” by Jacinda Vandenberg.

Here’s the bottom line if God is stirring in your heart to start blogging:

I didn’t know what I was doing when I started this ministry.

All I heard was God’s call…

“Daughter, you need to write for me.”

“You need to share your story and you need to encourage and equip my daughters.”

So, I said “yes” to my God and I’ve been doing my best to figure out all of this blogging stuff along the way!

If the Lord has called you to on-line ministry in our technology-age, He’ll equip you, too!

Live a poured out life for Christ,

Filed Under: Ministry Tagged With: blog design, blogger, blogging, on-line ministry, studiopress, wordpress

My Husband Wants Me to Dress Like a Porn Star

April 10, 2013 by Jolene Engle 4 Comments

Pornography.

It’s everywhere and it’s seems like our society is bathing in it.

At the simple click of a mouse it’s before your eyes within minutes…

Here’s one wife’s story.

Dear Jolene,

I’ve been married to my husband for 6 yrs. Well a couple yrs. ago my husband wanted me to watch porn and wanted me to start dressing up for him! I wanted to please my husband and his fantasies so I agreed to them both. Well since then, it has gotten worse. My husband wants us to watch porn all the time and expects me to dress up every time. And now its really weighing on me! We can be intimate and me not be dressed up and he’ll question me as to why I didn’t put something on!! I regularly get texts messages while at work, asking me if I’ll dress up for him that night?? It makes intimacy not feel intimate. I feel like I have to put on a show for him and keep up with the porn stars! And I know that porn is a sin and wrong. I feel ashamed and want to stop! I just wanted to fulfill my husbands fantasies and now its gone to far!!

I feel like he wants to be married to a porn star!! I can’t keep up with all his fantasies. Am I wrong? Should I be willing to dress up every time we make love?? I know we are suppose to not deny our husbands. I think he thinks that sex should be like the movies. I’m so lost! I don’t know how to get it through to him and I don’t want to deny my husband, but how can I get in the mood when I feel this kind of pressure?

~a wife who feels like a porn star

Photo Source

Here’s my response to her via video.

Your man has become addicted to porn and he’s wanting to have sex like what’s played out on the screen. Unfortunately, he’s living in a fantasy world instead of reality.

This is the part that hurts your heart.

This is the part where the wife says, “Aren’t I enough?”

This is the part where she feels like she’ll never measure up.

And this is the part where sex does not feel like making love… it feels like sex. It has become just a physical act as opposed to an emotional and spiritual connection that loving-making brings.

And this is why the tears fall down your face and the arguments ensue in your marriage.

There’s a reason why the Bible says not to put anything wicked before our eyes. It’s because it’s detrimental to our souls.

I will set nothing wicked before my eyes. Psalm 101:3

The eye is the lamp of the body. Luke 11:34

Ultimately you have the choice of fearing God with your actions or fearing you will disappoint your husband and his sin.

I personally think this an easy choice to make.

But should you sexually deny your husband because of this? No. Absolutely not.

Should you continue to watch porn with him? No. Absolutely not.

Should you encourage him to get help for his addiction? Yes!

Can you wear lingerie for him? Of course. The issue isn’t the wearing of lingerie, the issue is you being required to wear it in order for him to have sex with you. A man who is not addicted to porn could certainly enjoy physical intimacy with his wife if she wore absolutely nothing to bed.

There is nothing wrong with sharing your heart about this with your man and establishing boundaries regarding this aspect of your relationship. Obviously when speaking to him it should be said in a loving, humble and gracious way.

Anything else to add? Please share in the comments below.

Another post related to sexual sin in marriage, read here.

Live a poured out life for Christ,

I’m linking up with: To Love, Honor, and Vacuum.

Filed Under: Marriage, Physical Intimacy, Sexual Sin Tagged With: addicted to porn, pornography in christian marriage, wife feels like a porn star

When You Don’t See Eye to Eye with Your Husband

April 9, 2013 by Jolene Engle 11 Comments

In marriage, it’s very common to not see eye to eye with your husband on every issue that’s presented in your life, even if both of you are Believers. This is the case for this one newlywed wife.

Here’s her story…

Dear Jolene,

My husband just told me yesterday that he wants us to take gun shooting classes so that he can get a permit to have a gun to protect us and our future family. We have only been married since Sept 2012. When he revealed this to me, I became immediately irate, extremely scared, and dismayed by the thought of even having a gun in our home. I kept my internal anger to myself so that I would not allow any corrupt word to come out against my husband. Three weeks ago, both of our cars got broken into, in the middle of the night, so that is why I sensed that he would want a gun. But as we discussed the topic, he stated that the robbery was not the reason, but that he always wanted a gun to protect his family and that he grew up on the farm with his grandfather and his grandfather taught him how to shoot in the woods so he has no fear at all with guns. His reasoning sounded selfish, but I also know that is not my husband’s intentions, he has always been family oriented and he has always done everything in his power from God to protect us thus far. I told him that I am terrified of guns. My biggest fear is that if we have children, one of them may find the gun and shoot it, killing themselves or someone else in the home!!! We said that we will pray about it and lay out the pros and cons. My question to you Jolene is: have you heard of a situation like this before? And how do I lovingly submit to my husband’s leadership in this area?

~a terrified newlywed

Source

Here’s my response via video.

If you can’t view the video in your reader, click here.

On any issue in marriage, if a husband’s heart motives are pure and he’s not asking you to sin, then biblically you should be submitting to him. (Of course you should be sharing your heart with him!) And as well, I know that Biblical submission is a hard thing to comprehend, but remember, you are ultimately submitting to God and putting your trust in Him.

Live a poured out life for Christ,

I’m linking up with: To Love, Honor, and Vacuum.

To receive future posts you can just enter your email address below or like my page on Facebook.

Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: christian marriages, conflict in marriage, marital advice, marital problems, not seeing eye to eye in marriage

Enjoying The Act of Marriage

April 7, 2013 by Jolene Engle 22 Comments

The Act of Marriage.

Also known as…

Physical Intimacy.

Sex.

The Marriage Bed.

Married sex is a fabulous thing, but that’s not always the case for every married couple. (I know, I lived it!)

The letter from this young wife hits close to home for me. She has had many obstacles surrounding the physical intimacy in her marriage as well.

Here’s her story.

Dear Jolene

I’m 24 and have been married two and a half years, and I have never been able to enjoy sex with my husband. We were both virgins until our wedding night, and I was so looking forward to this area of marriage. Now I hate sex and all the pain it has caused, I hate all my insecurities and the fear that has developed, and I’m so at a loss about how to even start healing.

At first I just had physical pain and discomfort. I’ve never had an orgasm with my husband (I can with a vibrator he got me but I hate it. I hate that I have to use a machine to give me that release, but I do it because he wants me to and it’s easier to take care of my babies when I’m not too sore to walk.) And it’s rare if I feel even a little pleasure when we’re together. He’s always tried to be gentle and we have spent so many hours trying to get me turned on and make my body respond, and it just doesn’t. Before we were married I never had any trouble with desire, even though we never did anything, but it was definitely there . Then I started my period on our wedding day, I was quite sick for several weeks after our honeymoon, and our first baby was born nine months and one day after our wedding. We just had so many negative (for me) experiences that I started to hate sex.

Now there is emotional pain that is far worse than anything physical was– I feel like a failure as a wife, a woman, and a mother (because I want to badly to be joyful and emotionally healthy for my babies, and that’s a constant struggle that I often lose). I know I am not able to fulfill my husband’s desires. I almost always do whatever he wants physically, but he also wants me to desire him and to show my enjoyment in our times together. He’s struggled a lot with temptation to think about things he shouldn’t, and although he rarely tells me, he wishes I were something different in bed and that hurts too. I want to be what he wants, and I want to enjoy physical intimacy, but I feel like I have tried everything I know to make that area better and it has just continued going downhill.

I don’t know how to handle the hurt anymore; I don’t know what to do. Our church is small and mainly young- I have no one to talk to, and I’m terrified by the person I am becoming.

~a wife who hates having sex with her husband

Dear sweet wife,

Can I first say that I applaud you and your husband for remaining pure until your wedding night! That’s just precious and EXACTLY how God designed it. However I can imagine you feel a little cheated by what you’ve experienced in your marriage bed.

I know you’re hurting. Sad. Frustrated. Lonely. Desperate. And you probably feel like no one understands. I’ve been in some very similar shoes as yours, so I’m here to tell you that I can relate.

Here’s a short video I did addressing sexual problems and how to overcome them.

If you can’t view the video in your reader, you can watch it here.

I see your issue as being compounded; one obstacle to overcome after another. So what I’m going to do is peel back the layers and help you connect the dots so you can move forward with solutions to each aspect of of what you’re dealing with: physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

Physical Issues

Virginity

Sex is usually painful for a virgin. The bride hurts when her hymen is torn and sometimes there is even bleeding involved The physical desire and longing to be intimate on your wedding night is a fabulous thing for two people who are pure. Of course you’re entering your honeymoon with pent up passion, high sex drives and expectations and let’s not forget the romanticism. But every virgin bride also needs a dose of reality. And the reality for most virgin brides is when you have sex on your wedding night, you should expect it to be painful (and awkward.)

But the new husband is raring to go! He can’t wait to have sex again, and again, and again. The wife on the other hand is wanting to tell him to cool his jets and slow down because she’s in pain. (And she probably needs an ice pack!) And when you’re in pain in that area, who wants to have sex? Umm, not me! But because the wife loves her husband and she physically desires him, she (and hopefully he) work to fix this problem. But this process can take a long time to get right. Now just because you’ve had sex a second, third or fourth time, this does not mean you’ll enjoy it. Sex can still be a physically painful experience for some time.

Low sex drive

A baby comes 9 months and 1 day after the wedding day. Bringing a child into the world can definitely change a woman’s hormones. She can be deficient in progesterone, which is a hormonal imbalance that causes a low sex drive. I understand this problem because I lived it for many years. When your sex drive is low (or non-existent) what woman wants to have sex? Um, none that I know of!

Not enough lubrication

Whether it’s a hormonal imbalance or lack of interest in sex (not in the mood), these issues will compound the problem because a woman’s body is not producing enough lubrication. When there’s not enough lubrication during sex, then you’ll have friction while lovemaking. When there’s friction, there’s pain.

Allergic Reaction to Lubricant Products

Many lubricant products on the market contain additives- ingredients that are not natural. When you put something on your skin in the vaginal region (the most sensitive part of your body) your body might reject the product. You might experience pain and inflammation as a result of your body having an allergic reaction to the ingredients.

Now are you starting to see the snowball effect yet?

Sex is painful to a virgin.

It takes time to figure out how to be sexually intimate with your husband.

You bring a baby into the world and now your hormones are possibly imbalanced.

Either your hormones are jacked up or you’re not in the mood for sex, or shall I say, “You’re not in the mood for pain?”

Imbalanced hormones lead to low sex drive.

A low sex drive leads to lack of lubrication.

Using over the counter lubrication can cause an allergic reaction in your body.

Mental and Emotional Issues

Disappointment.

Fear of impending pain when you have sex again.

And brokenness in an area you’ve waited your entire life to experience.

Now you’re let down by your reality.

You start to feel like a failure because you don’t enjoy sex. It’s not because you’re don’t desire your husband, it’s just that you don’t enjoy pain AND to top it all off, you’ve never experienced the pleasure that physical intimacy can bring. You wonder what all the hype is about in having sex because you’ve never felt that it was ever enjoyable. Yet everybody in the entire world loves sex! Everybody, except you. Then you start to think you’re broken, but the truth of the matter is, you and your husband just need to take huge amounts of time to explore each other and take things slow AND you need to change your mindset.

Let me insert a caveat here. If your hormones are fine but there is no lubrication, it’s usually because you are not in the right frame of mind. You need to be turned on so your body will start producing it’s natural lubrication. But sex for a woman is a mental thing. You’ve carried the baggage from your prior experiences into your marriage bed (not that I blame you!) But this mental and emotional baggage that you’re carrying around is killing your sex life.

All these obstacles bring you to the place where you are just physically, mentally, and emotionally miserable in your marriage bed.

Here’s some solutions to these obstacles.

See a doctor to make sure you have no internal issues and to see if they can check your hormones.

Since you’re nursing look into bio-identical hormones, more specifically, progesterone cream. Look into talking with an alternative doctor regarding this. Or do a google search because natural bio-identical hormone cream is very popular right now.

Use natural lubrication, more specifically- coconut oil if you’re having a reaction to the over-the-counter stuff.

Get plenty of rest. Every mother, no matter if she has issues with sex or not, needs rest! If you’re too tired, it’s quite difficult to get in the mood. Most likely you’ll just go through the motions during sex, and who wants to have sex like that?

Mentally prepare yourself throughout the day to be physically intimate with your husband.

A mindset is a powerful thing for a wife!

Find aspects of intimacy that you do enjoy. For example, kissing, caressing, foreplay, etc. Do these things in a relaxed manner making sure that sexual intercourse IS NOT the goal. You can be in the kitchen, while watching a movie, when you’re just out and about with your man, etc. Explore all forms of intimacy without penetration, this way you can relax and enjoy your husband. Make a point to set aside a time to do this with your husband on a regular basis. Work on this aspect of your marriage without any pressure to have sex and see if these activities will turn you on. (Of course plan times when your husband is able to have physical intimacy with you so he’s not deprived.) You draw near to him and his needs and have him draw near to you and your needs. Overtime, you’ll find you and your man becoming balanced during your times of intimacy.

Be relationship-driven rather than sex-driven. (My husband told me while I was working on this video that he never knew I had a low sex drive. What? I gave him a look of disbelief. This was the first time he had ever heard me say that. Obviously he knew I had physical problems, infections, ovarian cysts, and imbalanced hormones, but what he saw in me all those years was a wife who participated in sex whether her body was desiring it or not. My heart was to be close to him, and the act of marriage provides that closeness.)

He said to me, “Regardless of your low sex-drive, I saw that you had a high drive for our relationship.”

Yes, he saw me wince in pain, and therefore, he responded.

So we took our time.

Explored each other.

Asked plenty of questions to find out what the other one liked. (Sometimes I find it interesting that a husband may know what his wife likes on her sandwich but he doesn’t know what she likes in bed. Who cares about the sandwich! Knowing what your spouse likes in the marriage bed is of far greater importance than some dumb sandwich.)

Be more about your relationship than about your sexual experience. I can’t stress this one enough! (Especially to the husband!!) When you take this mindset into your marriage bed….you just might enjoy the act of marriage as well!

Spiritual Issues

Most importantly, let go of the past. Put away what was painful, how things fell short, what didn’t measure up to your sexual fantasies and ideals, etc. My encouragement to the two of you would be to just start over with a clean slate.

Pray and invite God into your marriage bed. Since the Lord designed sex for marriage, He knows how important it is for a couple to connect with one another on this level. Give your body back to Him just like the two of you did when you were virgins.

Christ is not surprised by all that you are going through. He knew you’d have these issues in your relationship. He knew what the two of you would have to work for in order to connect physically, emotionally and spiritually. By the way, it’s worth the fight! Don’t give up and try not to grow weary. Stay on the narrow path and delight in each other’s body as you enjoy your relationship. That was key for me all those years I had issues in my marriage bed.

Find the good in your marriage bed and dwell on that.

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy–meditate on these things. Phil. 4:8

A Husband Needs to Learn How to Please His Wife

Also, I’d recommend you weening off the mechanical vibrator and have your husband learn to be your vibrator. This will help your man to feel as if you’re desiring physical intimacy with him, and therefore he won’t feel discouraged about the state of your marriage bed. He needs to become an active participant learning what pleases his woman. And when a wife is pleased in bed, trust me, she’ll desire physical intimacy with her husband!

A mechanical device can not replace the closeness that you’re desiring from your husband; the one flesh comes from you being with him, not from you being with a device. (That’s why you hate it.)

Again, all of this change will take time as well as vulnerability on your part, but if you desire to have that close intimate physical relationship then you need to take a different path than the one you’re already on.

Now I will leave you with this one last thought…

One thing my husband has told me over the course of our marriage was this, “We have the rest of our lives to figure each other out.”

Live a poured out life for Christ,

I’m linking up with: To Love, Honor, and Vacuum

Now bloggers, it’s time to link up your posts!

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Filed Under: Marriage, Physical Intimacy Tagged With: christian marriages, painful sex, physical intimacy, sexual problems, the act of marriage

When to Set Boundaries in Your Marriage

April 5, 2013 by Jolene Engle 12 Comments

Boundaries.

EVERY marriage needs them.

I had a young wife write in recently seeking some counsel regarding her marriage. What she needed was to establish boundaries from the negative influence from her friends and family.

Here’s her story…

Dear Jolene,

I was 20 and my husband was 25 when we married. Many people think that I was crazy to be married so young and we have a lot of criticism because of this. Those around me say most every bad situation is my husband’s fault. It’s almost like they are trying to put him down in order for me to see that he’s not worthy of my love or trying to tell me that I’ve made a mistake in marrying him.

I am having a hard time listening to everyone around me say bad things about him and even though I defend him and let them know that I do not appreciate this, they do it anyways. I feel like we did the right thing by getting married and I LOVE our marriage and the change our marriage has brought to both of us individually.

Other people see him as controlling because I don’t go out and do things with friends. I choose to stay with him and not go out but, they blame him, no matter what I say…It never changes their opinion. Not only do they comment about my husband but also about our marriage in general.

On our 1 year anniversary they said, “Well, y’all lasted longer than I thought you would!” or “Everyone thought you were pregnant and that’s why you got married so young”.

I have these plus many other comments. I really don’t know how I should feel about this other than hurt and I don’t know how I can fix this.

Any suggestions or encouragement you can give me would be helpful.

~a hurt newlywed

I get this wife’s position. I really do. My unbelieving family was against me marrying my Beloved. They didn’t understand my faith. They couldn’t discern the things of the Lord. Nor could I expect them to because they were in darkness. Realizing they were not giving me Godly counsel put things into perspective for me. However, that didn’t lessen my hurt by any means, it just made me realize that they could not accept the things of the Lord.

I am the Lord’s.

My Beloved is the Lord’s.

And so is our marriage!

We are set apart, therefore, our decisions and our life will look different to those that are of this world, (or even to other Believers who are maybe living a lukewarm life.)

In this video I’m sharing a snippet of my response to this wife’s situation.

If you can’t view the video in your reader, click here.

When the outside influence comes into your marriage ask yourself these questions:

Are they giving you Godly counsel? Or are you sitting in the seat of the scornful?
Are friends and family encouraging you to draw closer to the Lord and to your husband?
Do their words line up with the Word of God?

Blessed is the man Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, Nor stands in the path of sinners, Nor sits in the seat of the scornful; But his delight is in the law of the LORD, And in His law he meditates day and night. Psalm 1:1-2

Filter EVERY aspect of your life through the Word of God and build your marriage upon those precepts so when the naysayers come into your life, you’ll be able to stand your ground.

For example…

Many years ago I had a family member who attacked my husband’s character as well as his parenting. This person called my man derogatory names, said I would end up physically abused by him, told me my children were going to end up in jail because I was planning on homeschooling them, and then the final blow was when they made the threat to contact Child Protective Services and have my son taken away from us.

You can imagine my complete shock for such ridiculous nonsense!

Let’s just say that this person’s words, insults, accusations and threats did not go over too well with this woman!

SO I DREW THE LINE IN THE SAND…

I established the boundaries….

I told this person that she needed to stop speaking, (she was in a rage).

I told her I wouldn’t allow her to say such horrible things about my guy.

I told her I wouldn’t allow her to threaten my family. Period!

And I told her I loved her but I wouldn’t put up with her threats and accusations.

Basically, I wasn’t going to tolerate her attack upon my husband and my family.

And then I went home and sobbed. And sobbed. And sobbed some more.

Shortly after that I went into pre-term labor while I was carrying my second son. I was 7 months along at this time. To say it was a hard time in my life would be a gross understatement.

My relationship with this family member had been broken. She chose to break it when she didn’t respect my boundaries.

I don’t care who it is that comes into my life that wants to discourage me from pursing the things of the Lord. I WILL ALWAYS stand on the Word of God as I live my life because the Word of God is TRUTH. If others can’t accept my beliefs and boundaries and all they want to do is cause me to stumble or compromise my walk with the Lord, then I have a decision to make.

Whom will I choose? Them and their ways. Or the Lord and His ways?

If I have to distance myself from this person, I will.

If God is calling me to prune a relationship-branch, then I will, regardless of how much it hurts me.

But nothing and no one will separate me from my Lord nor pursing the things of the Lord!

A wife who respects her husband is of the Lord.

A wife who leaves and cleaves to her husband is of the Lord.

A mother who is raising up Godly offspring is of the Lord.

A woman who follows the Lord is pleasing to the Lord!

Keep in mind there is a cost to pay in following Jesus Christ.

“Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn “ ’a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.’ ”Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me. Matt. 10:34-37

This passage hurts to read. I’ve lived it. I had to make a choice. And Jesus is ALWAYS the RIGHT CHOICE.

Don’t compromise your walk with the Lord nor your marriage so others can be a part of your life. Lord willing, they will be respectful to you and your boundaries. But if they don’t respect them, you’ll have a choice to make as well.

Whom will you choose?

Live a poured out life for Christ,

I’m linking up with:

Filed Under: Marriage Tagged With: boundaries in marriage, leaving and cleaving to your spouse, marital advice, marital problems, respecting your husband

Know your roles in the home and create a plan.

Be intentional about extending grace and mercy.

Encourage fellowship with others.

Share your heart.

Rebuke them in love, if need be.

Mentally and Emotionally Thriving

Physically Thriving

Spiritually Thriving

For the Works of God to be revealed in You

To Keep You from Becoming Proud

To Sift You as Wheat

So You Can Comfort Others

How a Christian Wife Can Be Dangerous to the Enemy

Renew your mind regarding physical intimacy.

Prepare your mind.

Plan and Protect.

10 Ways to Live In an Unequally Yoked Marriage

1. Find a common authority in your marriage and build from there.

2. Diffuse the conflict.

3. Show humility.

Humility says, “I don’t have everything under control and I need my Savior to help me.”

4. Attempt to be his friend.

5. Minister to him.

6. Don’t major in the minors.

7. Major in the majors.

8. Initiate physical intimacy with him.

9. Grow strong in the Lord.

10. Pray for you and your husband.

7 Biblical Ways to Resolve Conflict in Marriage

The #1 Thing a Christian Woman Should Look for in a Husband…

He loves Jesus Christ more than he loves you or anybody else, (including himself!)

He’s got to be submitted to Christ’s will for his life rather than his own.

Here’s a simple gauge for you:

His character should cause your character to become more holy, not happy.

Is your man’s devotion to Christ leading you closer to the Lord or further away from Him?

Physical Issues

Virginity

Low sex drive

Not enough lubrication

Allergic Reaction to Lubricant Products

Mental and Emotional Issues

Spiritual Issues

A Husband Needs to Learn How to Please His Wife

Whom will I choose? Them and their ways. Or the Lord and His ways?

But nothing and no one will separate me from my Lord nor pursing the things of the Lord!

Whom will you choose?

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What’s a Wife to Do When a Husband is Hard to Love?

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