How Often Should a Wife Initiate Intimacy?

How Often Should a Wife Initiate Intimacy? #011

Physical intimacy in marriage.  It’s a good thing designed by God.  But sometimes as Christian wives, we can be rather reserved in this area of our marriage.  But should that be the case?

How Often Should a Wife Initiate Intimacy?

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Show’s Transcripts

Dear Jolene

Thank you for your advice on intimacy! I have a question. How many times a month, or year, should I (the wife), pursue my husband without him initiating? I also would like any information that you have on sexual abuse. I have carried a burden, layers of guilt, and sexual frustration for 21 years now! The Lord is working on me with this but it never hurts to ask Christian Fellow Friends! Thank you for supporting Christian marriage!

Jolene: That is a great question!  I would ask my husband. It is an easy question, “Hey, Love, how many times a week would you like me to initiate physical intimacy with you?”  You need to have this conversation with your husband.

Eric:  Whatever works.

Jolene: Yes, he may not care. He may care. He may say, “Oh, you know, two times a week…once a week.”  It is going to be different and vary. I think the point is just to communicate your heart to him. But there’s nothing in scripture that says, “You shall do this so many times a week.”

Eric: Right. The bottom line is that she should go to him and say, “How’d you feel if I did this?” and if he says, “Hey, I’m all for it”, which he probably would say, then it is up to her discretion. If he feels that he’d rather be the initiator, then you’d have more conversation. Always, always, always have more conversation.

Jolene: Right. I think one of the hardest things to have a conversation about is physical intimacy in marriage as Christian women. You have to really break through those walls and just be vulnerable with him. That would be my encouragement. As far as the sexual abuse that you’ve gone through,  I know a great book and a great ministry: the man has come out and spoken at my old church several times, his name is Victor Marx, and he went through some horrific experiences. At age 5, he was molested, thrown in a commercial cooler and left to die. Just horrible stuff, but the name of his ministry is All Things Possible. The Lord has broken those chains of bondage that he carried all those years. He wrote a book, I think it has gone to movie now, too, it’s called The Victor Marx Story. This man’s ministry is going into youth prisons because so many of those youths were sexually molested as kids and they took that anger, that hurt and that pain and killed someone for it (maybe the step parent that was molesting them). Victor has such compassion for those who have lived through the life that he lived through. So that would be a resource I would give you. I think the biggest issue for you right now would be the sexual abuse and maybe letting your husband in, that area of vulnerability is going to be very difficult for you. But, if you’ve got a guy who knows your situation, it’s really interesting how powerful a husband’s love is and how he can minister to his wife. A lot of times, we don’t really know what to do with that because maybe we’ve gone through abuse. Anything else to add, Love?

Eric: The reader mentions, “Thank you for supporting Christian marriage.” I just have to say, it was always originally “Christian marriage” because it was the second institution God set up and it was with Him in the midst of the two of them.

Jolene: Right. The reader’s heart knows that I’m pouring into His daughters.

Eric: Absolutely. I want to thank her for that sentiment as well because, in the world, they’ve perverted the idea of marriage to a point where it is unrecognizable.

Jolene: Right. One of the shows I just taped was, “How Do You Know Where You’re Called to Serve?” The Lord made it very clear to me that I’m to pour into His daughters. You guys would be amazed with some of the letters that I get from those who are hurting in the church. So that is where my heart is.

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  1. says

    Love this! I think there is probably not a limit. Don’t most husbands want their wives to initiate? Wouldn’t that be like asking “how often does a wife want her husband to show affection?” Of course it depends on the person, but if he is a “typical man”, wouldn’t he want sex 3-4 times a week? Just sayin’

  2. mereoni radio says

    I believe that a marriage is about oneness where we are both (husband and wife )responsible for each other.The more we get to trust each other the more easier we are going to communicate with one another regarding our needs,our feelings or anything that may concern us as individuals.Some women too may have been raped or have been through alot of trauma in their lives prior to marriage and a continious relationship with Christ and learning from others is vital in building our lives inorder to be Christ like.I totally agree that there is lot of hurting within the church and here in my country talking about sex is a Taboo and not something that we can dop freely,women can not talk to their husbands about how many times otherwise they will be branded as “Whores”but I am glad to be linking up with such websites.I am now encouraged to open up my own website for our women where we can hook up and share our most intimate issues like what you have started.Domestic violence is rife here amongst the christian community and I am working within the general communities here in Fiji to raise awareness on Domestic violence(2 year project) and I also belive that the church harbours alot and really dont know how to deal with the issues.I am a born again christian and at one one time this was a very difficult subject for me to discuss simply because what I have gone through before marriage.After many years I had to learn to communicate this through alot of education which involved my husband as well.Now we are able to communicate clearly and have come to understand each other well in the area of intimacy.

    • says

      What a blessing to hear that you are growing in this area and that you’re reaching out to other hurting wives! May the Lord continue to strengthen you and guide you.

  3. brenda says

    I don’t understand marriage but all i know is when i try to have sex he rejects me and tells me he’s not interested.we have been married 6 years and he is the same way it hurts my feelings because it makes me feel unwanted and the rejection hurts.i try telling him how important it is and he say’s that is not that important in marriage and i don’t know what to do or think,everything in my marriage don’t seem right.any advice anyone