Ever since I started my series on What to Do When a Husband Doesn’t Love His Wife with Christ-Like Love, countless wives have emailed me seeking advice for their hurting marriages. And because I’ve clearly heard God share with me this year to meet the women where they are at , I’m going to continue to answer those emails to the best of my ability. (Just a note, if you have emailed me asking for help, please know that I will get to answering your question! I just haven’t answered yet because of the time factor involved. Sometimes many of the emails I get from wives are dealing with the same topic so I’ll address the root problem. Other times the issue is very specific in nature, like today’s question. I don’t generally share the entire email for the sake of length but in respect to what this wife is dealing with I’m sharing all of it today.)
I read your blog, and follow you on Pinterest, so I feel that I can ask you about this, knowing that you have a biblical stance regarding marriage and relationship issues. I have a question that I haven’t seen answered in any blog, Christian forum, or marriage book. It’s something that occasionally comes up in my marriage, and although it doesn’t go anywhere (call it Divine Intervention), it worries me, and it hurts me when it does rear it’s ugly head.
A few years ago I married an amazing man. He and I were both married before, and we were/ are determined to make this marriage work. He and I attend church together, and raise a family together. I love him dearly. Before we were married, he outlined to me that his past marriage and relationships were riddled with major trust issues- each woman cheated on him, and when he wasn’t in a committed relationship, he was extremely sexually active. A few months into our marriage, he revealed to me that he was interested in participating in a threesome with me (and another woman). He also informed me that he had been a swinger before finding Christ, and that it’s something that he occasionally misses. Throughout the years of our marriage, this issue has come up time and again. During our conversations, I will admit, a curiosity has developed- but not as far as to carry out any of these tasks. I have done some reading about swinging, and I understand the “thought” behind this lifestyle, I am just certain that it is NOT for me. My husband understands, and doesn’t pressure me…. but it still comes up every so often. He misses the lifestyle, and has commented that he kinda wishes that I was interested in participating in it. He’s also conflicted, because he knows that this is a sexual sin, and he doesn’t want to sin- but he and I are both aware of the desire that is still there. I’m understanding more and more that sexual sins are their own addiction- but I still feel a small bit as though it could be that I’m not enough… something is missing (aside from multiple partners), that makes him desire this.
I’m not sure what type of advice you could offer. I have suggested counseling, but we have other issues dealing with our family/ children that has taken immediate precedence as far as counselling is concerned. I also know that it is not something that he wants addressed in front of the children. I would appreciate some advice though. This came up last weekend, and although he’s apologized, I feel as though I’ll be dealing with this for the rest of my life.
I’m also certain that I’m not the only one out there with this situation.
Thank you for having the courage to contact me. I hope I can shed some light on your situation as well as offer you some biblical guidance and encouragement so you don’t feel so alone or discouraged in your marriage.
First, let me just say that what I’m about to share can be applied to any sexual sin that a husband wants his wife to participate in. So, feel free to add pornography to the list because I’m sure there are other wives who are going through this battle with their husbands. And second, as you said in your letter, sexual immorality is not for you, but let me add to it; it’s also not for any Follower of Christ to take part in.
Now in dealing with your husband. A wife does not need to hear about her husband’s sexual sin fantasies. Period. So my encouragement to you would be to tell him to keep his mouth shut about it! Of course tell him this in a kind, loving, respectful, and gracious way. And make sure you maintain some self-control while you do so you don’t haul off and slap him! 😉 Because, well, that’s just not walking in the Spirit, now is it? Him wanting to discuss things that he wants to do with you and other women is not something you’ll tolerate him speaking about. It’s non-negotiable and it’s not even a conversation you’ll entertain. Now if your man wants to talk about his sexual fantasies with you that does not involve sin, then by all means feel free to share that with him.
Your man needs to get help whether he wants it or not since his actions are tearing you and your marriage down. Of course he’s going to mention that he doesn’t want counseling because that means his sin would be exposed. But I know if I were dealing with a sin/addiction that I couldn’t handle then I’d seek help, that is, if I wanted to change. That’s the key issue here. Does his heart truly want to glorify the Lord in his life? His spirit should be grieved over that fact that he’s wanting to do this. It sounds like the only reason why he hasn’t moved forward in this sin is because you have said no, rather than because of Godly sorrow.
For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death. 2 Cor. 7:10 (NKJV)
For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death. 2 Cor. 7:10 (NLT)
I’m not sure that your man wants to change seeing how he continually brings up this grievous topic. He’s either in bondage to this sin and he’s not wanting outside help or he’s not truly repentant.
Being that your man is a church-going man, he has a form of godliness, but it sounds like he’s denying it’s power in his life.
“For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good,traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power.” 2 Timothy 3:2-5
Since he calls himself a Christian, then you have every right to rebuke him in this situation. You can tell him to stop mentioning this and you can tell him he needs to get help. If he blows you off and doesn’t move forward to better the relationship, then you can go to a brother in the Lord and share what’s taking place in your marriage. I know this may sound harsh but sexual sin is not something to mess around with because it will bring great damage to your soul!
Sadly, your man is not guarding your heart nor is he leading your into a deeper relationship with Jesus Christ. Instead, he’s encouraging you to follow evil. He’s enticing you and passively pressuring you to walk a path of destruction; a path designed to fulfill his desires of sexual sin and a path laced with debauchery, adultery, and orgies.
Guard your heart above all else, for it determines the course of your life. Avoid all perverse talk; stay away from corrupt speech. Look straight ahead, and fix your eyes on what lies before you. Mark out a straight path for your feet; stay on the safe path. Don’t get sidetracked; keep your feet from following evil. Proverbs 4:23-27
a. To corrupt morally.
b. To lead away from excellence or virtue.
1. a wild gathering marked by promiscuous sexual activity, excessive drinking, etc.
2. an act of immoderate or frenzied indulgence
Let us behave decently, as in the daytime, not in orgies and drunkenness, not in sexual immorality and debauchery, not in dissension and jealousy. Rather, clothe yourselves with the Lord Jesus Christ, and do not think about how to gratify the desires of the sinful nature. Romans 13:13,14
Your man has created insecurities in you by the mere mention of having another woman in your marriage bed. It saddens me that you have to hear this. No wife should ever hear those words from her husband! They destroy the trust, respect, security and love that a God-fearing marriage is designed to provide. Perhaps that is why the other women in your man’s past life cheated on him? Perhaps he planted seeds of adultery and orgies into their relationship and that’s why they left him?
You need to put your foot down about this problem. Also, let him know he needs to seek out a brother in the Lord that can help him and hold him accountable for his actions rather than coming to you as he shares about his struggles of sexual sin.
Look to Christ for Love and Acceptance
Live a poured out life for Christ,
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