3 Things You Should Consider Before You Keep Dating Him
Whether you’re a single woman or a mama raising up your kiddos, here are a few things I share with my kids about what to consider regarding their future spouses. But first, I have a reader who’s got a question regarding her relationship.
Dear Jolene
I have been dating this fellow for a couple of years now and there is talk of marriage in our near future- which is something I kept in mind as I went into the relationship. I love my boyfriend and he will be a wonderful spiritual leader in our house, but I am conflicted because we have different “lifestyles” I guess you could say. I think staying healthy is important. I try to eat healthy and exercise when I am able to.
My boyfriend does not share my opinions on staying healthy and he likes to eat whatever he wants, whenever he wants, and he rarely exercises. I am worried that when we get married he will not like that I fix vegetables or nutritious meals for him. Instead I fear that he will go and order a pizza. We have tried to work through this and meet in the middle, but lately he has just been too stubborn and/or bitter to even try to work things out. How can we merge the different parts of our lifestyles together to be one?
Find out more here on Matched by God.
Live a poured out life for Christ,
Jolene Engle
My husband and I have the same issue this young woman has. We almost didn’t get married 33 years ago because of it. Yes, he eats better now but it sure isn’t easy. He loves his junk food. I almost ruined our marriage over it, however. If I were to do it again, I would still marry him because he has been a great husband, father, and provider. I wouldn’t nag him or try to control him like I did, though. It was ugly and very unprofitable. I would continue to eat healthy myself and be an example to him. The more you try to control your boyfriend, the worse it will get. Adults don’t like to be controlled by others. I learned this the hard way. If he has all the wonderful qualities you want in a husband like loving Jesus, working hard, and is faithful to you, you may want to accept his unhealthy living patterns and love him just the way that he is.
Amen, Lori. Thanks for sharing your story with us. I know it will minister to others.
Hi Jolene, THANK YOU for a wonderful, Godly, wise, very accurate, article! I wish I read this 32 years ago before I got married! I went into my marriage, thinking I would change my man! Was I ever wrong!! It’s only God who can change anyone! However, we can be a good influence. This article is a keeper, & will be sent to friends & relatives who are contemplating marriage! Thank you again for all you do in the name of Christ! Bless you & your heart!
Hi Dawn,
So blessed to hear you enjoyed the article. (Laughing) I think most women walk into their marriage thinking they are going to change their man! At least you know you’re not alone! 🙂 Yes, as wives, we have such great influence over our husbands! I choose to influence mine rather than change him.
I agree wholeheartedly with a great deal of what you wrote, namely, the advice you gave to the original question. If there is something that bothers you that you can’t deal with, your marriage is not going to “fix” that. That being said, I would wonder why it is so important that your man is eating a piece of pizza while you are eating broccoli. I understand we want our spouse to live a long time, but just because someone eats healthy doesn’t mean they don’t do other things (smoking, having high levels of stress, etc) that aren’t equally as unhealthy.
In any case, the only thing that I didn’t necessarily agree with was your first point. While I think that Christians should not be yoked with non-believers if they know in advanced and have a choice, I do not think that you should disregard someone because they are not at their peak in their walk with God. My husband was 20 years old when we were married, and I would not have expected him to have the spiritual discernment at that time that He has been developing over the past 7 years. He believed in God but was not saved (his family was not religious at all). I still wouldn’t call him “on fire for Christ” but he has definitely demonstrated that he does have a desire for a relationship with God, one that I have tried to demonstrate for him.
“If you are a wife, you must put your husband first. Even if he opposes our message, you will win him over by what you do. No one else will have to say anything to him, because he will see how you honor God and live a pure life.” 1 Peter 3:1-2
I think I get what you were getting at–I think knowing about our potential spouse’s spiritual walk is vitally important. I just wanted to clarify that in many circumstances, we may be at different places in our walk.
Thanks for the great message!
Bonnie, yes, seeing that you are a wife today, you and your husband will go through life with different seasons of spiritual growth, thus, being gracious with one’s spiritual walk is of utmost importance for every marriage.
But seeing how I wrote this post with the single women in mind (and not wives) the counsel is a bit different. I took them straight to the Word of God, the most powerful book on earth, written by our Creator, Who deems it best for His daughters to not marry unbelievers.
Now can God transform a man (woman)? Most certainly! Sounds like He has done this in your marriage. 🙂 You are wise to have learned that it is your actions that have drawn your man to the Lord. You’ve heeded the Word as a 1 Peter 3:1 wife.
I want to help the single women heed God’s Word and become a 2 Cor. 6:14 woman so they can start their marriage off on the right Biblical foundation.
Maybe I misunderstood. I agree with you that we should not be yoked with non-believers, but you also included “lukewarm” Christians. I think there is a difference between a lukewarm Christian and a non-believer. I think that most of us could be accused of being lukewarm at some point in our lives. But a lukewarm Christian is still a Christian.
I think that sometimes, it can be frustrating for young people to find not only a Christian spouse, but a spouse who is Christian “enough”. He believes in God, but is going through a tough time where he is angry with God. She believes in God, but in her immature walk, she thinks that Church attendance is unimportant and she’s embarrassed to share God with her friends. I don’t think this is the same as being unequally yoked.
Again, I would never advocate my children to marry an agnostic, athiest or non-Christian. But if they bring me a young person who says they believe, says they’ve confessed and is willing to learn, I won’t judge them because their fire for Christ wasn’t bright enough!
I see what you’re saying, Bonnie. I think for me the key is Lordship. Is Jesus the Lord of their lives? Based on the examples that you shared, I don’t believe they would be spiritually mature enough for marriage. I tell my children that they need to spiritually, emotionally, physically and financially mature enough to take a spouse. Does this mean they’ll be perfect? Absolutely not. I guess the question is are they lukewarm for a season? Or is this how they view their relationship with God in general?
I receive countless emails from wives who said their husband believed in God before they married, but now he doesn’t follow God. Hence, why I stated a lukewarm Christian. Jesus is not too fond of a lukewarm faith: “So then, because you are lukewarm, and neither cold nor hot, I will vomit you out of My mouth. Rev. 3:16 And just Jesus also said, you’re either for me or against me. I don’t think a single woman should settle for a husband who has a lukewarm faith based on the verse in Rev. And just because a person says they believe in God that doesn’t mean Jesus is their Lord. The Scriptures say that even the demons believed. James 2:19
Of course if the guy is saved, there will be times in his life where he might be struggling in his relationship with the Lord (like all believers do) and then there are times when we walk thru valleys and therefore our relationship with Christ might feel like we’re just going through the motions.
I want to make sure the single women realize that it’s not enough if he says ‘he believes in God’. A Christ-centered marriage consist of two Believers who live to please and worship the Lord, (which is Lordship), rather than seeking to please the ways of the world, each other, themselves, or the next great fad.
Of course no Believer will ever be perfect in his walk, that’s why we should extend grace. And if my sons brought home a gal who confessed that Jesus was her Lord but she was struggling in her faith then I would encourage my sons to accept her, but walk circumspectly in the relationship. Give her time to grow in the Lord before they made plans to marry. Let her get mentored by an older woman, etc.
I hope this makes better sense! 🙂
It does, thank you. I do still have to respectfully disagree that you should not marry unless you are completely spiritually mature (many people do not reach that point into well into their 30’s or older), however, it is not bad advice for sure! It is good for women to search out a man who can be an appropriate leader, but I believe all situations are different.
Your advice is good and solid and definitely offers a great guideline for choosing a spouse. This was just a tiny quip that I believe may sometimes require deeper examination for different people. And I think your reply definitely clarified that! Thanks!
Hi Jolene
Great post and I do hope the reader take it to heart. I believe in a marriage each people have to learn to look to God to make then whole and complete in Him and stop trying to change each other.
What needs to be change about me is the question I ask myself a lot, not what can I change about my husband. I have learned, after being married for over 11 years. that if I don’t have a personal relationship with God I will not fully understand how to love someone else.
Not eating ‘my way’ is not the issue to be focusing on so much. The main focus should be does he love God, will he be willing to stay by your side if some sickness rods you of that perfect health you are striving for, will he be there for you when ‘life’ steps in and steal your joy. Will you be there for him?
Women need to stop looking at beauty magazine and start looking at God.
Blessings.