10 things a hurting husband needs from his wife e1405191583151
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10 Things a Hurting Husband Needs from His Wife

I’m a broken woman in so many ways.  I was broken before I came to Christ and I was broken before I got married.  God has broken me after I walked down the aisle and He has broken me while I’ve been walking The Narrow Path.

I’m broken…..and I’m okay with that.  However, I didn’t always feel this way!

So as I write this letter to you, dear friend, I write it as a broken vessel; one who is thoroughly acquainted with:

  • pain
  • rejections
  • persecutions
  • rejections
  • physical limitations
  • heartaches
  • rejections
  • failures
  • depression
  • despair
  • and oh, I can’t forget….rejections!

I’m a walking scar, and I know it.  Although my scars don’t define me, they have shaped me.  But, I’m transformed, made whole in Christ, and embraced by the One Who is Defined by His Scars.

So I get it.  I get the hurting, the fear of the unknown, the disappointments, as well as the insecurities that one faces.

broken husband copy e1405191534571I love this picture of this couple walking through a storm. It reminds me of life, going through hard times and unforeseen circumstances.  These were the words from the photographer who took the picture.

A cyclone named ‘Thane’ hit Tamilnadu coast yesterday. Most parts we affected due to heavy rains and thunderstorms including Chennai where the sea water came 500 meters into the city till the service road in Chennai Marina Beach. I was there to shoot some photos, and I was shocked to see this couple walking in the waters and enjoying the climate. I watched them for quite a while before taking this shot. They were never perturbed by anything around them. Even a cyclone cannot stop lovers

We will always have storms in our life, and we won’t always make the right decisions.  We won’t always follow-through on things we need to do because, let’s face it, we’re lazy.  When we’re faced with difficulties and those moments in life where we say, “I can’t believe this is happening to us,” we are faced with a choice.

We can either walk through the storm with our man and our God, or we can go through life short-sighted; not realizing there’s a bigger picture.  God always has a plan for what we endure and what we struggle with, but we can’t always see it!

When my Beloved was faced with a law suit, an IRS audit, the loss of our home, and the loss of his business (all at the same time, mind you) he was one broken man and I don’t mean for just one day. The storm he was walking through went on for over 5 years.  Yet, the Lord allowed all of these things to take place in our lives even though we were intentional about pursing Christ day in and day out.

So, was my man depressed?  Yes, on several occasions he was.  Just like I was depressed from time to time when I walked through the valley of my 10 plus years of chronic and debilitating illnesses.  I know as Christians we shouldn’t be depressed, but our life hurt, and we just couldn’t see the bigger picture.  We couldn’t see how what we were going through would work for good. (Romans 8:28)  But today I can see it.

My encouragement to you would be to go through your storms together with God as the umbrella covering the two of you.  Sometimes life will require your husband to hold the umbrella to help you through the stormy weather and other times your husband will need your help.  Remember that the two of you are one flesh.

10 Things a Hurting Husband Needs from His Wife by Jolene Engle

10 Things a Hurting Husband Needs from His Wife

  1. He needs your encouragement, not your rejection.
  2. He needs you to forgive him for his failures and wrong choices.
  3. He needs you to believe in him.
  4. He needs you to intercede to the Lord on his behalf.
  5. He needs you to be his friend and his lover.
  6. He needs you to love him for who he is and where he’s at, rather than his potential.
  7. He needs you to focus on your growth in the Lord rather than you focusing on his growth.
  8. He needs you to minister to him.  When my Beloved was broken, I made it my aim to build him up and speak the Words of Life into him as often as I could.  I’d share the Scriptures with him by either reading him the Word or by writing verses and leaving them on his desk or chair.  The word of God does not return void.  (If he’s not a Believer and he’s hostile toward the Gospel message, then just pray for him and make sure your conduct and attitude are filled with love and grace.)
  9. When your man is down, it’s easy for a wife to just take over….but I caution you not take this path without first asking your husband a boatload of questions.  If your man feels emasculated by your leadership, he’ll withdraw even more.  So tread lightly here.  Continue to refer to him and find out how he wants things done and then follow through on his request.  This action may provoke him to get out of his pit.
  10. You’ve got to be in the Word of God as if your life depended on it because that’s where your Source of Strength will come from.

Put your hope in the Lord as you wait for God to move in your man’s heart.

And so, Lord, where do I put my hope? My only hope is in you.  Psalm 39:7

Live a poured out life for Christ,

Jolene Engle

P.S. This coming Fall I’ll be speaking on God’s Prescription for a Thriving Marriage at an online conference. This means no matter where you live (as long as you have internet) you can join me–in your jammies if you’d like!

Find out more here.

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  1. God brought me to your blog just as you started this series. This has definitely been convicting and good for me. Thank you for writing!

    2. I believe God brought me here as well! I know the Lord has a plan, i just need to be patient.

  2. Pingback: When the Roles are Reversed in a Godly Marriage (Part 2)

  3. This is so helpful for the wife who finds herself in a time of being a caregiver to her ill husband! Thank you for your efforts to encourage and equip wives. I am glad I found your site!

  4. Hi,
    I am Seperated from my wife.She introduced me to christianity around 1996, about 2 yrs after, we married.She was a divorcee when we met. I had been single,she had 2 boys .I felt i was her Knight in shining Armour I provided a home ,i was was working and put everything into Family~+ home the future. We had 2 lovely daughters, not long after they were born she was advised by her doctor, as she was depressed. To get out of house and get a job. I GAVE UP MY JOB AFTER 23 YRS AND RAISED CHILDREN 4 of and done everything for family. Worked outside inside home . We had 4 bdrm private detached house {she lives there now took it off me, i live on jobseekers}Started to take comfort in alcohol moderately, that was a fault. She had me arrested after i made a threat in the heat of argument a threat she knows i would never carry out.But used this against me and holds it over me still I turned back to Christ and reccomitted to him. I walked the walk, not for anyone but myself ,those around me benifited i never drunk or smoked for 18 mths. Served GOD INVOLVED IN CHURCH but not enough Bottom line life just gets worse by the day . I feel JOB has nothing on me . We got together for second time , no support or recognition no communication Big problem that, never wanting to confront or talk things out,had me out of house again on false accusations within few months. She still professes to be a christian ,I am quite broken because i done the right things but feel demonised. living away from her now forced for own good to have flat on my own SHE has ruined me and still plays mind games over children etc.Christians i have watched them all let me down .I love my family and still do anything i can for them.I am married to a Selfish, Lazy Un Hygeneic SLOB, Greedy Jealous, devious liar . un christian nut and theres no light at all .GOD HAVE MERCEY

    1. My husband will not accept encouragement (yes I’ve watched what and how I communicate this to him) and respect. I pray earnestly, involve others, speak God’s truth gently to him, try to stay focused on God and how I can serve God (not my husband). I don’t try to change him, I don’t ask him to be involved, or ask him for anything. Yet he still says I’m irritating and he’s frustrated with me daily. He has shown his complete lack of understanding of what godly love is by telling me that I don’t motivate him to love me (Christ didn’t have to be ‘motivated’ to love the church)…yes, I’m aware this is emotional and verbal abuse. He struggles with depression and narcissism and it seems to me that he’s decided that holding onto his pain is worth more than our relationship, I cannot change that. I’m trying to exercise faith that God is working in my husband even though I’m not able to see it. I continue to pray while showing respect to him (extremely difficult). I’m worn out and feel like I’m constantly in survival mode rather than living. Daily it’s a battle with my heart and mind to not wander into the territory of wanting to give up, thinking poorly of him and thinking he’s worthless. Like I said, it’s a battle, not between me and my husband but between me and satan. If I allow thoughts of anger & contempt to take over my mind, he wins. If I allow God to control my being, I focus not on my husband or this ‘marriage’ but on God, how can I serve God and have peace and joy amidst this trial. How will God bring glory out of this mess? How can I glorify God? As my son gets older (he’s 10mths right now), I do wonder the impact my husband will have on him, this of course concerns me. At some point I will need to decide whether or not to stay in the same home with my husband b/c God doesn’t want this for our marriage. Anyway, I wanted to post this as encouragement to other spouses who may be facing a seemingly impossible situation in their marriage. You’re not alone, there are others facing the battle a day at a time and don’t worry, God is on our side, he wants successful marriages, he has a plan and purpose for you life. However, it may not include your spouse for a period of time. Be weak and God will exercise his strength, rest in the shadow of his wings and do not be given over to anger and resentment. Stay focused on God, glorify Him with your thoughts, heart and spirit and receive his blessings on your life.

      1. Thanks for sharing your story, Lilli. I loved what you said, “Stay focused on God, glorify Him with your thoughts, heart and spirit and receive his blessings on your life.” Amen!

      2. THANK YOU for sharing this. This is literally my exact story. Thankfully I have people I can call on, including my mother in law. Just today I told her I thought my son and I might need to come stay there for a few days (my son is 1.5 year). This is daily for me…From hour to hour I change from having hope to being completely lost in what to do anymore. My husband has told me several times he is not in love with me, does not want to married to me, etc. Says he stays for our son, but the stress between the two of us cannot be good for our son either. I’m trying to stay strong, but so often I don’t know if I can handle this situation another minute, and I have thought about leaving MANY times, despite hating the idea of divorce so much. This type of battle is so real for so many! But Lily is right, just when I think I can go on no longer, God comes in and carries me through those moments till the next.

      3. I am in the exact struggle and that’s how I found this post…. Searching for answers and Gods words. I have been married for 5 yrs and my faith does not allow me to give up but I don’t know if I’m making a mistake by staying… I feel like me head, my heart, & my faith are in a battle with the devil and I’m losing sight of which way to go. I feel like a failure of a wife, mother, and woman. Feeling lost & alone because I don’t like to involve my family & I don’t think anyone understands what I am feeling day by day.

        1. Jolene~ thank you for your words of wisdom. So much of what you said through your personal experience has been my experience. However, our journey has been 10 years now. This being our entire marriage. How does the wife (me) continue on in such a way of seeing, loving, being the strong one while the husband (mine) struggles? The one point I’ve not done well in, is loving him for who he is now and what he’s going through. I’ve done a fabulous job at loving him for his potential. The anxiety, depression, anger he is walking through is not the man I married it’s what he is going through and his response/reaction to it. So this is why I have so clearly asked God for His love for my husband rather than getting mad in return. I’m weary. Not giving up! No. Absolutely committed but I have needs that have not been met in so long, ignored, and even rejected because his pain is greater than my needs. How dare I have needs, “that’s so selfish of (me)!?” How do I continue on while staying strong?? I’ve continued growing in my own faith walk. Christ is enough for me, and I mean that!, but marriage, though designed to make us holy not happy, is not meant to be one-sided nor full of one person being the self-centered taker and the other the neglected giver. God is my strength my Song my Shield My fortress and for our 3 children, He is their Heavenly Father Who guards their hearts and minds as my hubby & I daily live a surviving marriage not a dying one. I KNOW beyond a Shadow of a doubt that God honors those Who obey Him, but this warriors is a weary child and I need help~prayer is HUGE! And I believe that because my husband has the anointing, favor, and mantel of authority he is a huge threat to the devils works so that enemy is really working overtime and he is defeated by the Blood of Jesus. This is my steadfast hope~we overcome the enemy by the blood of the Lamb and the word of our testimony. Let us not grow weary in well doing, for we will reap (a harvest) if we faint not!! Our marriage is the harvest we seek to reap 100 fold!!!

        2. Yolanda,
          I read your post and had to reply…dont ever feel like a failure! Everyone has a purpose; you are here for a reason!! I am in a similar situation and struggle day to day. God is who sees me through along with his beautiful creations he has given me, my children. Give yourself some credit and dont ever lose faith in God and in yourself! May God bless you during this time 🙂

        3. Yolanda,
          God chose you, a loving and wonderful woman to be your kids mother , no one else.
          God understands what you are feeling. He knows the hurt that is in your heart and every tear that you cry each and everyday. God wants you to lean on him and cry out to him. Ask God to heal your heart through the pain. Tell God that you need him right now. He wants us to put him first in everything we do. I know, because I also hurt from my marriage. I have learned to trust in him and his word. I understand that the hurt that I am going through is to make me stronger. You may not realize but your story and comment is helping others. Thank you Yolanda!!

    2. Dear David,

      It’s commendable the way you seek out to live for Jesus even in face of so much negativity that surrounds your life and circumstances. Indeed I see your perseverance as God’s strength being poured out on to you.
      I agree with you that Christians have let you down but may I encourage you today to look at Christ who is our eternal hope, our comforter, our shield and our very life itself. Christians too are as fallible as any other person is, basing our expectations on anyone is going to let us down and hard at that. May our joy and hope be found only in Jesus.
      God has a reason for this season in your life, the best part of the story is that this situation will not be permanent. God will bring you out of it, how? When? are the answers that only He holds. Until that time comes, may I encourage you to hold on even more tightly to Jesus and His word as he gently leads you to the ‘green pastures and still waters’

      1. Thank you Thomas for encouraging David. The truth is we should look to Jesus as humans even if Christian are not good all the time. Only God is good all the time. Jesus is good all the time.

    3. So she has done some hurtful things to you, try to delete everyone of them, don’t rehash her ugly ways, it will keep you in bondage to her. Pray for her, free your mind, heart and soul. Allow God to heal you and love you, you seem to back away from God when things get rough, but that’s the time to press in even the more, that means taking your faith to another level, dig in and hold on to God for dear life, he will not let you go. It is painful, what you have had to go through but we were never promised a bed of roses, but He did say I will never leave you nor forsake you, he also said I know the plans I have for you to prosper you and bless you and not harm you and bring you to an expected end. Find every scripture you can on his love, meditate on that and not on the pain of what your wife did. There is healing waiting for you but you must open your heart to God, sell out to God, be still and listen to God. Pain makes us angry but you are such a wonderful man some one will die for a man like you. Ask God to lead you to the woman that will appreciate you and love you for you.

    4. It sounds like mental illness on her part. Your a Christian, Do what God says to do in His word. He WILL work this out for your good and your children.
      Been there, still there but see God helping me come out bettet. Thank God from your heart for EVERYTHING! GOD is in charge and bigger than your wife,the police and you. Praying 4 U Bro.

    5. I would start right here … “.I am married to a Selfish, Lazy Un Hygeneic SLOB, Greedy Jealous, devious liar . un christian nut ” … and ask God if that is how he sees her because from a scriptural standpoint, the Lord created your wife in His image and so he loves her very dearly. I know it is hard, I speak from experience and make absolutely no light of your situation at all; when a spouse behaves in a manner that is so hurtful and peculiar that you feel they are destroying you, the ONLY thing you can do is focus on God and ask him to allow you to see that person through His eyes. You are looking at her through your own eyes of hurt which is why you made the above statement, and I don’t negate any of your pain, but I am encouraging you that if you want to see her change, you must first change and begin to live 1st Corinthians 13 which will be the absolute hardest thing you have ever done in light of what you are living through, but I guarantee that when Jesus went to the cross, innocent of any of the things he was accused of, it was much harder for Him. And since he has endured the greatest pain ever He will help you through yours. when things first started with my spouse I cried and asked why, but as I sought the Lord on my face I soon was asking why not? There is no escaping trials, struggles, situations that hurt in a relationship because life is messy. There is only how you allow the Lord to use your situation to reflect greater, the love of Jesus and the image of Jesus, through your life. That is your greatest testimony. The Lord hurts for you and with you and H0e loves you and wants to carry you through this.

  5. Pingback: Why I Choose to Respect My Husband Even When He Doesn't Deserve It!

  6. Wow! Your words speak to me and I am so inspired! I am 19 and have been married for about a year and a half. I love your articles and want to be a great Christian wife to my husband. Thank you so much because you have already changed my marriage in a positive and Godly way!

  7. Hello David! I will be praying for your relationship and your relationship with God. Don’t give up!

  8. Pingback: 4 Ways to Help Your Husband When He Doesn't Want to Lead...& a Link Up! - Jolene Engle @ The Alabaster Jar

  9. Thank you for this beautiful post. My husband and I have only been married 9 1/2 months and while our relationship has never been better, I can tell that he is struggling because of work. He started a new job about 5 months ago in a different field than he is accustomed, and while it is a great opportunity for him, it comes with a lot of stress. He has been great about leaving most of the stress at work and never misdirecting it at me…but I can tell he’s hurting. I feel burdened to pray for him, and I have been looking for others who have shared similar situations. What I have mostly found, however, is advice about praying for your husband when the marriage is troubled. This post was really inspiring. Thank you!

  10. Pingback: Why I Choose to Respect My Husband Even When He Doesn't Deserve it! - A Biblical Marriage
  11. Pingback: VERSION 7VERSION 76: 4 Ways to Help Your Husband When He Doesn’t Want to Lead…& a Link Up | LIE @77 DAYS

  12. A big thing a hurting husband needs is for his wife to enthusiastically love him sexually on a frequent basis. This is a huge emotional salve which shows the husband he is loved and affirmed and appreciated.
    Nothing else has the same positive effect for the husband. So, if you wives are refusing your husbands frequently, please stop this major sin, and start to strengthen your marriage now.

    1. Though seemingly sad & unfair from a wife’s prospective, Jim, you are absolutely right. God made you guys that way. For the majority of men it’s physical, for the majority of women, mental.

  15. Yes a broken husband needs these things. My problem , he has broken me and not loved me according to scripture, betrayed our marriage, and feeling backed into a corner ; denied the double life he has been living, spat in my face (literally) and screamed that he didn’t love me. Though at first we went for Christian based counseling and I was asking “What is it he needs ? What is he looking for? How can we help Us?” and purchasing LOVE & RESPECT book , and cannot disagree with God’s commandment to respect the husband , but where is the line ? When the husband has put his wife in situations that totally defy Gods word, suggests visiting swingers club, treats you with such disregard and lack of love that one is convinced he “hates his own guts” Ephesians 5:28 “In the same way husbands should love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself” He loathes himself but cannot admit it , or he’d be admitting the abuse suffered in his childhood and so here we go , round & around in a circle of pain .

    1. Dear Daiva,

      God wants you to protect yourself from abuse. Yes God wants you to love and respect your husband but you would not show him love by allowing him to treat you like he is. It doesn’t mean you don’t want anything to do with him anymore. But it means he has to admit what he’s doing, to repent, to ask for help if he has issues to work on or if he needs healing about his childhood. But you can’t stay by his side while he’s showing no respect toward you. God wants us to put our limits. The opposite is unhealthy and ungodly. I wish I had seen this post sooner but I trust God knows what he’s doing. I’ll pray for you ! xx

  16. Thank you very much for everything have from this article or book. You’ve made me to be a good husband

  17. Jolene, thank you so much for this encouraging post, it really helped me today and spoke words of wisdom to my current situation.

    Thanks again,
    Nisha

  18. I didn’t find you by accident. My life is in total chaos as I write this to you, but I feel somewhat better now that I have been reading some of your works that I ran across on Pinterest. You are truly a GOD-filled woman and I would like to say thank you. Can you answer this question for me as honestly as you can? Here goes: “If you make a solemn promise to GOD and someone that you are saying you love,” and you break that promise, what happens? As GOD fearing women we know in our hearts that is wrong, but what will GOD do to you for letting that lie be told?

    Seeking GOD in Silence

      1. No, I am referring to a promise that was made to me and to GOD. The promise was that he (my husband) would not do anything else to hurt me. This is a man who likes to cause pain or get revenge on others if he feels that others have wronged him. I know that is no way for any human GOD fearing individual to live. There is no communication between us at the present moment and I have decided maybe it would be best for me to leave. Although, leaving is not what GOD has put on my heart to do. Things are not going well at all and almost every weekend he is out partying and sometimes doesn’t come home until the next morning(mid morning). I’m so tired of always being left at home alone and he acts like what he does is ok and it’s not! You can’t train a boy to be a man, a real GOD fearing man. Right now I’m clueless. I told him that I wouldn’t bother him anymore because I’m done trying to be part of something that doesn’t exist for me. Now, after reading your posts I know I was wrong for all the nagging and the ugliness that I let come out of me. I feel like Satan has won this one because I’m so tired. I was there for him for all these years through the good and the bad, but that doesn’t give him the right to use and abuse me. I just feel like I have been living a lie for all these years. I just need prayer and help!
        Seeking GOD in Silence

  20. Mrs. Engle I love your book about the various wives in the bible. It was a very encouraging read. I just started reading your latest post about a woman of grace. You have a great ministry going which is blessing so many people. I saw your post to those whom haven’t accepted Christ as their savior. I wanted to know what we’re your beliefs on baptism. The bible doesn’t speak about a sinners prayer, but it does tell believer of the gospel to repent and be baptized. What are your beliefs on this dear?

  21. Have you considered sharing this article with militaryspouse.com ?
    There are many women who are believers and some that are not that would really benefit from your contribution to their magazine. It would be a beautiful change of pace.
    As a spirit filled military wife this article is of great value to me because the list as simple as it is continues to encourage me to be more encouraging to my husband in the storms of life.
    So Thank you for sharing the intimate walk you share with your spouse.
    May our God Bless You and Supply all of your needs generously and overflowing.

  22. Today was a tough day for us. I had just told my husband that I was done and I was leaving him. I don’t believe in divorce and I always said that things could be fixed if you tried. In my desperate need of a sign from God I ran into your blog, this entry to be precise. It might have saved my marriage. My husband is not religious at all and I am. I truly believe God tested him today and now he wants to go to church with me and get closer to God. I am extremely hopeful that our marriage will be saved. Keep us in your prayers.

    1. Wow, Alejandra, only God can do that! Praise Him that your husband wants to join you at church and that you’re going to stay to work on your marriage. Surrender your plans for His plans friend!

  23. WOW! I see that I was driven here by God, as were many others during a pivotal point in thier relationships to be encouraged and not give up hope. My husband and I got in a bad fight- and he walked out swearing at me. He wouldn’t apoloize, talk to me, or look at me- he kept ignoring me. It is EXTREMELY hurtfull. It’s as if this part of my husband is a cycle- he goes to God about it, seems to have some change happen, and then in a couple months- it happens all over again, it is EXHAUSTING for me- and I could imagine even more so for him. I felt God tell me through prayer this is NOT my fault, and that my husband needs to have HIM be first & THE ONLY foundation in life. He (my hubby) has mentioned to me that faith is very difficult for him-oddly enough, he believes in the theology, yet lacks the heart & spirit. I think he has negative self worth, which shows through his reactions to me & others, which only complicates the problem. He knows he needs change, he wants change- and God has done change in him, through so many things! I just pray SO hard that he sees these changes due to GOD and that it would be an encouragement to seek more help. I know he let’s fear be a HUGE driver in his life- and I know it takes a daily toll on him.
    I do worry as we plan on having children, and I cannot forsee a future with this man as a father. I know he WILL BE a great father once all these things are sorted out, as he is amazing & gentle with children. I need to be heard, respected, loved & cherished- just as I do for him.- and I do not feel at ALL that God wants that kind of behavior in his houeholds.
    Tonight I got so incredibly stressed out- I had such bad anxiety, i thought I was going to throw up, and also had thoughts about leaving for the night (temporarily), but I felt God tell me to wait. He promised me that my husband would come to me & talk to me, etc, and I have faith in that…….
    Please pray that God would BREAK my husband of this blockage and allow his heart to be 100% owned by HIM and nothing else. Pray for strength, encouragement, and the ability to be gracious & loving for the both of us. Also, for me to remember, I too am imperfect. Thank you JESUS for dieing & letting us receive your holy Spirit which allows us to truly live in freedom & awareness!! I know my life would be a trillion times more stressfull without you….

    So much love & appreciation for this post!!!

      1. Thanks Jolene! God is great- my hubby ended up coming to me & sincerely apologizing. We prayed out this weakness he has- that God would continue to reveal things in his heart, and that God would give me strength and wisdom to deal with it. I have absolute faith that God will continue to work in both of our lives & transform us.

        Blessings!

  25. This is a wonderful ministry confirmed by the fact that so many are helped. I can tell you from experience that God’s Word Works. No, it’s not easy but if you, the born again Holy Spirit filled spouse, will consistently live the Godly life in his/her presence, I am a witness that he/she will change or be moved. My issue was I would get frustrated & become inconsistent. I would also try to “draw” when God only told us to “lift”.
    Most of us are taught to avoid divorce at all cost but it is not God’s will that anyone be involved in any form of abuse. Did God give you that spouse or did you select him/her on your own? Some of us are not Christians when we marry so we start the ball game wrong, not equipped for the inevitable marital problems. Paul said, “with marriage comes problems”. So then one spouse accepts Christ & begins this fight of issues that come with being unequally yoked. As you consistently maintain your personal walk with God daily in front of your family (otherwise he/she will use ur salvation against u), If you are truly hearing from God to hold on…. Then stand strong & watch God change ur spouse. God is not slack. The results are ur confirmation, but change is not change until u change. “The unsaved spouse is sanctified by the saved spouse”.
    We as parents are responsible & will be accountable for the environment that we raise our children in. What are we teaching them by staying in abusive, angry, vulgar, non self controlled relationships? We are instilling in them those same characteristics & thus continues the vicious cycle. So are we really staying for the children or for our own issues of insecurity? A person who wants to be involved in their child’s life will do so with or w/o cohabitating w/the spouse. I pray that we as men & women of God will allow God to lead & guide us in our home, our 1st ministry, as He prepares us to be great witnesses/examples outside the home.
    Thanks Jolene.

  28. Wow, this post most definitely rebuked me. I find myself constantly pushing him to his greater potential, which probably seems “naggy.” You are so right that I instead need to love him for who is now and believe in him now. My guy and I have been together for 6 years and will be getting married in September. We have only recently found Jesus, but I am so thrilled for our journey ahead together with Him. I love your tip about sharing scripture with him by leaving it on his desk. Thanks for this post and your encouraging tone!

  29. I’m so blessed to have come across a story that resembles mine but being able to see your light at the end of your road I can now see mine so much clearer thank you for sharing your story with the world there are so many women who are feeling just like this. God bless you and your purpose.

  31. Thank youse much!! I’m not married , but I’m close to some one special and feel the Lord brought us together. However, it’s not easy being his friend, but I know he needs lots of love, and I’m to the point of stepping back; because in the mist of me giving him love and support I know he really needs ,my heart as well need the same love. Now after reading your words it has strengthen me not to give up on him.

  32. Thank you for such a beautiful post you have created, it is truly what i needed to hear and it gave many answers to my questions, I have felt like I have done something wrong and I couldn’t really understand why we are going through such hard time right now, but I am starting to comprehend that God has a purpose behind all of this. ..Thank you for your powerful message.

  33. Jolene, I thank God for you! I desire to be married one day & after reading several of your articles I was brought to tears. I’m grateful you’re allowing God to use you to encourage godly marriage.

  35. Pingback: 5 Ways to Be an Encourager | Unthank You Very Much

  36. I recommend a book “Fool proof your life ” by jan Silvious. It freed me from my abusive husband.

  37. I didn’t think I needed this but it has helped me tremendously. God bless you lady. I have committed to being better and this came right on time.

  39. Hello. I am 49 years old and have been with Jerrad, 47 for almost 3 years. There is an ongoing struggle within me regarding his ex wife. She is always keeping herself known in his life. They went through a nasty divorce and she moved in with someone immediately after they split. She kept him at arms length though, while she was living with this man. I am not sure his heart is completely with me. There memories are constantly brought up by his children and his mother, not to mention pictures and it can be very hard on me. Please help me cope. Should I trust that God feels this is right for me?

  40. I have been praying a lot lately for God to guide my steps in this specific area. Wow. This morning as I was sitting in church and my Christian husband was at home for yet another Sunday I was praying that I would not push him further away by being upset or angry that God would show me the way to love him and help him back. #6 and #7 just rocked my world. Love him where he is and focus on my growth. Thank you. I pray continuously for him. When I met him he was one of the strongest Christians I met… part of why I wanted to know more about him, now Satan attacks his soul so fiercely it’s hard to fight back. When he is aware of what is happening he is so thankful asking me to not give up praying for him but when he is consumed I feel like I am fighting the devil himself. Thank you for these reminders.
    God bless

  42. Pingback: I'm Done! - Jolene Engle

  44. Mmmm that a relief, sometimes we don’t know exactly our husband need n that why there’s being conflict, but I’m gonna try to put his needs first, Thanks joelene

  46. I have been awake for almost 24 hours fighting with my husband talking about separation and trying to figure out what is best for us and our children, im at a breaking point and not sure where to go, or what to do, I’ve come across this article and completely broke down…I am a believer in our Lord Jesus Christ and all this time of heart ach and mess I have with my marriage I absolutely forgot about my God. I feel so alone and unloved and unwanted. … by my husband, and I know this article is about loving your husband and I get that, but what really pulled my heart strings is that I have an amazing God who loves me and as I had strayed away for some time now I have this incredible longing to reconnect with my Lord and savour. .. when a few minutes ago I was even thinking about how life might look for my family without me around anymore, to this amazing feeling of hope and faith that I will be okay with God by my side if no one else. Thank you my Lord for showing me your way and keading me back to you threw this article amen.

    1. What a blessing to hear that God tugged at your heart, Danelle. Keep running back to Him and let Him minister to your heart! He is the Redeemer and Restorer of all things, including marriage!

  47. This is very inspiring. I’ve through tough times also. Marriage that almost failed because of too many trials. Lots of arguments, misunderstanding, fighting that almost ended up to separation also. But God is really good. He never let it happen and still my family are still living together, doing everything to pass through every problems and trials. I know despite what happened I will always be here for my husband and my family. Your post keep me inspired.

  48. Thank you for this. I have been through a time of discouragement in my marriage, and to hear someone on the other side of it is so encouraging. A friend of mine recently encouraged me that if I didn’t love my husband for who is now, then I won’t be able to love him for who he is when God makes him into the man he needs to be. God has truly helped me to find positive things to say about him to him almost daily,(and there is plenty to see and say about him if I really choose to). I also realized that I was so negative that I could only see the negative things about him, when God truly has brought him so far. When I stopped being consumed by how far he had to go and focused on all that God has already done and began to thank and compliment him, it changed my attitude toward him and his attitude toward me. We have had a little setback recently and I was discouraged when I found this post, but God has used it to encourage and inspire me. Thank you for being willing to let God use you to bless others!

  49. Us as women this is a great and huge reminder of our roll as women our men need to be encouraged we live in a broken world where much is exposed Our men play a huge role and because we live in such time as this we are to encourage please keep this in mind and see where your heart is and ask the Lord where do I stand He is Truth so why would we not ask.
    Valerie Hendrix

  50. Hi, as reading the comments from all you ladies, the same situation is been suffered by me as your husband’s are.

    You’ll have choose to be with your husband rather than running up from the situation. may god bless you’ll

    Me and my wife were always use to pray and we had kept our jesus christ as the third person in our live

    My wife and I had got separated. however by the grace of the lord we were patched up. however now we are once again seprated

    I was jobless for some months and my wife had took care of me in my recessional period, she had even help me to put in some finance and to run in small business till I find a new job. After 4 months I got a job and my wife had asked to concentrate on my work then on then Business. And in the mean while then was some tension at my work place, due to which I use to get depress most of the time, I had spoke to my wife about the current situations at my work place, she too acknowledge for the same. She her self had seen I am putting all my efforts in my work and to achieve my goals as it was startup company and wanted to get growth as it would be helpful for both of us.

    Even after putting so much efforts in my work my supervisor use to remove errors from my work at time I had even had abusive language and noticed rude behavior towards me.

    This had becomed my daily routine due to which I have broken down from inside. I Carried the office tensions at home due to which me and my wife use to fight. As my wife use to fight saying im not giving her time, where in I directly use to go home to give her as much as my time to her, however my work pressure was on my head.

    Then I had started taking support of alcohol. which she did not liked it I tried explaing her the situations but she didn’t care.

    One day we have an argument and we fight and I had raised hand on her. she had forgiven me the next day, once again we got in to fight this time I have not raise hand on her verbally we fighting, she had asked me to leave her house. I was living with her in her granny’s house, I have my own family house as she was not comfortable because of my family members I was staying with her at her place.

    me and wife are no more living together since march 27th 2015 till date. She had asked not to show my face, I tried to approached her begging in front of her explained her my circumstances and effects of my current work situation but she gave me a darn.

    I made her remembered the vows she had took before the lord by holding my hand and said that she promised she will never leave me in any circumstances. this promise was made by her when we had patched up recently.

    We had hardly been with each other for 1.5 years in our 4 years of marriage.

    currently I m not in her contact as she does not like too otherwise she’ll be putting me behind the bars. I’m not afraid for going behind the bars in order to convince my wife, but I also have some limit I keep on begging in front of her in order to show my love for her while she takes me for granted.

    These days i work 15 hours to 17 hours(where in my shift is of 9 hours) a week with out a weekcof or pany leave as to keep my self busy as it feels there is no one waiting for me and after work go for consumption and the cycle is been followed everyday.

    I cry alot whom have married as she had ruined my live as every small fights she wants either separation or divorce.

    I had been thinking to leave her and get settled with some one else as the person who I m waiting for is neither responding nor remembering on top of it she remembers her friends who always back bitch behind her and she also doea the same

    Don’t you think Jolene that marriage life is like a scooter and we both are the wheels, one is me and another wheel is my wife, if one gets stuck are we able to complete the journey of our marriage life.

    I’m also a human I also have some needs which only my wife can provide me when i return home tired there must be someone who is eagerly waiting for me where someone make me comfort.

    I have full filled all her needs as in what ever she wants i fulfilled it as a responsible husband by going beyond my capacity. but still she takez me for granted

    I had been in her every ups and downs of her life as well as her family but no body thankful on top of the only criticize me

    All my efforts are in waste i guess it was worthless.

    Please suggest me I m seriously looking forward for sepration

  51. Good words. I’m a leader by nature so when my man is down its hard for me to not just take over. However these lay 2 years I’ve let go and given things back to my husband. It’s very freeing for sure.

  52. After 28 years of marriage my husband deserted me. I was the surprised one although I knew he was cheating on me I didn’t expect him to file papers and use my son to start a fight so he had a reason to leave without a discussion. I had done everything I could to be supported of him although I knew he was following in the path of his friends who are drinks and wife abusers. When I told people we were separated they were surprised because they said he always seem to be so proud of you and your life together but he has changed. I don’t want a divorce but I am told I have no choice if he wants one they will allow it. He doesn’t want to talk about it but he acts like it was agreeable although he his on girlfriend number two since he left. I was a widow when I met him at age 37 with two children who were teenagers at the time due to cancer on my part I could no longer have children but he accepted that now he has played these two children against each other and me to the point I have no contact with either one of them. I have always work and shared in the responsibility of our marriage until I was diagnosed with a rare bone marrow cancer and became ill and needed a bone marrow transplant but God was faithful during that time and a donor was found everything I was worried about was taken care of by God. They tell me I am a miracle but I have nothing now no husband, children my home burn and he stole the insurance money to put into a mlb scam. I was careful I did not criticize I encourage him and I love him the man he use to be because I don’t know the man he is now. I pray every day for God to get the devil out of my marriage and to help me I am so alone no one sees my tears his friends want talk to me although they know he has changed they tell me to just move on how can I when I married for life and it is not over with yet. I don’t want anymore life savings miracles if it means I am alone. I try to pay back for those miracles. I make clothing for babies who don’t survive and shawls for cancer patients hats for homeless I feed my neighbors who I suspect don’t have money sometimes for food. I try to be a good person when I open my front door. I love my family and support them when I can I never put my children over my husband my prays go unanswered now because I know he is with the woman who lives across the street she is a partier drunk like he is now. I can’t fight that type of person I am not a drunk I have had so little to drink in my life I don’t know if I am even called a tea totaler. He want say what I did wrong so I can fix it he just keeps lying and trying to destroy me where is God why dosen’t he send the devil away I pray everyday to keep him out of my life and my marriage but he is here even now I have been separated from my husband since October 2014 my husband doesn’t want a judge to hear our case he just wants me to except that I have nothing and no judge will ever make him give me anything so just sign the papers that give him everything and move on. I am almost 66 I will be in two months and can not get a job that will support me or I would but when I married him he had nothing not even a job I paid for everything and got him to where he is now with his career and I always tried to do more than fifty percent in our marriage so if he is through with me I deserve at least half and I need him to tell my family the truth but that will not happen. My first husband and I were married for 15 years when he died in an auto accident the night he died he was on his last night of the graveyard shift so he left for work around 9:30 after he left he came back because he said he wanted to get another kiss and hug and to make sure I knew he loved me two hours later he was dead. It took me four years to let someone else in my life. I was married before God and family I had the scriptures of Ruth included in my vows his parents were wonderful people they are gone now and I still do for his family but most of them turn their backs on me there are only a few who stay in touch the rest believe his lies and I have to call them that because I don’t know what I did because will not tell me. Your site was the first thing I saw on Peninterest this morning and when I saw it I said thank you lord but I am still without answers.

    1. Hi Pat,
      I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. 🙁 It seems like you’ve got a tremendous amount of issues going on right now. I suggest that you head to your church to get some face to face biblical guidance for your situation.

  54. I learned so much!!! I enjoyed this article. I’m getting married and i want to learn how to be a Christian wife!!

  55. Thank you for making this blog. Maybe God brought me here to see and read it because right now im experiencing a hardtime with my relationship towards my husband as i caught him cheating. Somehow your blog ease the pain that im feeling. Hoping for more inspiring blog from you.

  56. I don’t believe in or want a divorce, and my husband wants one. He loves somebody else. I am heartbroken. He is angry, and depressed all the time. I keep praying. We’ve been married over 25 years. I guess I’m just writing because it feels good to tell someone. Thank you.

  57. Thank you for this encouraging message. We have been married fifty years on June tenth, seems like id know the answers. God did not make me perfect, only He is perfect. He is always there for us. God continue to bless your marriage and mine.

  58. This has been a timely article for me and the situation in my marriage. I thank God for it. The statement loving him for where he is and not his potential has really resonated with me. That’s exactly what I’ve been doing. The problem is that I don’t know how to love him for where he is when I’m so afraid. We are a newly married couple of 2 years. He loves God which I love him for. My husband is in recovery and has been for the past 10 or so years. His financial situation was in disarray before I met him with past liens, etc. I knew about these, but since our marriage there have financial issues arise I didn’t know about. Some he knew and a few neither of us could have known. Being an older established couple and me being close to retirement with a son about to enter college. I am scared out of my mind. He took a stable job prior to our marriage, rather than working solely through his self owned business, which I am thankful for. He still does his business on the side and he is a hard worker. However, he continues to make poor decisions regarding financial matters that are driving us further into debt. We are in counseling but we are becoming further and further apart. I want to love him for where he is but I don’t know if concrete ways to do that right now. I know he is hurting from so many issues in his life and I want to help him. How can I love him where he is right now?

  59. Although I don’t follow your religious beliefs. You have still encouraged me to help my husband as he is hurting right now. I only hope that I can bhelp him through the storm like that adorable couple.

  60. I’m trying very hard to step back so that my husband can lead our family. He is a wonderful provider and a hard worker who always puts us first. When he’s not working he’s at home with us.

    When we married 20 odd years ago I was very young and a new christian and my husband had been raised in a very strict Christian home with a fairly autocratic father and a very timid mother and had attended a very conservative refermed baptist church. On the other hand I wass raised by my non-christian widow mother and grandmother who due to their circumstances had learned to be strong independent women.

    We attended church and bible study groups regularly for the first 5 years of our marriage until my husband felt betrayed by our paster/home group leader. From then on we attended less and less frequently up until now when I occasionally attend church with the children on Sundays if he is fishing. We have homeschooled our children and raised them as Christians but my husband does not like attending church and does not pray with me or our children or read the Bible. He speaks of his accountability to God and of his desire to live a life that is righteous but does not speak of spiritual things at all. He talks occasionally with the younger children about God’s creation and how He wants us to live and treat each other.

    He is a strong man who tries to always do what is best for us and although he is not an emotional or affectionate person by nature he loves us and his life revolves around us.

    However, if I want my children to experience family prayer or devotions or to hear Scripture read aloud then it has to be me who does it. He has said in the past that he hated their family devotions when he was a child and felt that it was always about what awful sinners they all were and what they should and shouldn’t do.

    What should I do in this situation. His faith is between him and God. I accept that nothing I say has any bearing on this. I love him so very much and I don’t want to undermine him or take away anything that is rightfully his but I do want to read the Bible with our children and pray together as a family and at some stage at God’s urging I would like him to take the initiative and take on more spiritual leadership. I want to be a godly wife and mother and to allow him to lead our family but knowing the best way to go about this is difficult.

    Any practical suggestions?

  61. My husband is usually the one holding the umbrella for me. But, there have been two distinct times I had to hold the umbrella. Once was when he was laid off. I’m usually very critical, negative, and naggy about “what’s your plan!” In every day life. I knew I would NOT be able to do this in this moment of crisis. I was so scared (I wasn’t working, I just quit my job to stay home with our newborn!) but I held it inside and never let on how scared I was. I was very positive with him, and told him God would work it out for us. God did, and it would have been a disaster if I had not held back. I was also very careful not to take over as you listed- my husband still needed to be the man.

    The other time was when he called me that his van had broken down on a way to a job out of town. He was only a few miles from our house. Again, I’m normally negative but I could hear in his voice how upset he was, so I said something positive like “at least you are close to home. What if it had happened out of town? Blessing in disguise.” Months later this incident was brought up and he told me how it held him together in the moment,

    Although, we have arguments about him wishing I was more like that all the time. He asked me why I’m different sometimes and not others, and I said because I knew he needed it then- and obviously I was right. I don’t think he put it together before that It was very hard for me and very intentional. I told him I need him more frequently on a daily basis but I won’t abandon him in those few times he needs me. But, I’m now at a place where I’m trying to be like this more often and grow in virtue.

  62. This is one of my favorite posts that you’ve written. I find myself reading it again and again as my husband and I enter our marriage in a storm. Your words have rescued me from disaster many times. Thank you for your ministry!

  63. I can’t imagine a bankruptcy and an audit at the same time as his business failed.
    It is so difficult to live with a husband who makes choices that turn badly I’m sure. My wife has had it terrible with me. First, she was an abused pre-teen in the past, then married me and she could have done better.
    In the beginning I longed for my very masculine police job and after 3 years of marriage we moved to a large city where I began that job and then ended it after 18 months! I tried going back but I simply was not so good in training and they demanded I go, so getting a replacement job proved difficult. then a minimum wage job came and we struggled for two years before I got a sales vender job that lasted 18 years while we did foster care and adopted a few special needs kids. I continued to struggle with my past job and eventually I had to deal with a wayward child of mine who kept me up late and the next day I fell asleep while driving and crashed the company truck which eventually terminated me. I tried for 2 years to get a job and nothing. My wife then took her foster care and adoptions experience and applied for a job in the field of mental health and was hired easily. I remained at home and continued to waste away for the next 5 years applying to jobs going to grad school and still nothing. Our intimacy rotated around her disrespect, health issues, fatigue and plainly was uninterested in me and continued to be a worse lover as the years went by. She developed an intolerance for any amount of discipline I gave or used verbally to our kids including our autistic adult child who is still living at home. This distrust of my judgement goes into her core and drives any desire for interesting sexual contact to a boring predictable and infrequent occurrence. My 7 year unemployment led to welfare and she complains mostly because we need med benefits and she needs to work to get them. I am blamed. it is my fault and our relationship is going into frequent arguments over the way I handle job searches, child care of our children and any maintenance of the house. Mostly she desires to sleep, rest on our bed while on Facebook or online games with friends from church and lately political stuff. We probably won’t divorce but the connection is lost as she lately has demanded conditions during and leading up to sex and seems perfectly fine with 8 to 14 day dry spells with no sex and then its pretty boring. I am perfectly fit and ready but her disrespect and treating me like one of the children-correcting me often and mentioning all my violations of morality, even though I am a very biblical guy.

  64. My husband doesn’t want to walk through the storms with me, he wants me to perfect and I am not. He tells me my Bible interpretation is not right, I am a worshiper, and he tells me he doesn’t want to hear this. We are separated due to his alcohol addiction. I love him, and forgive him, yet he is always having the I can’t help its. I don’t get the same grace and mercy he gives others. He is bitter and we have made no progress in the two years we’ve been separated. We’ve been married three years and we are in our fifties. I am moving back with my parents. I am a empty nester now.

  65. After 21 years I hate feeling emasculated. I wish God never ask men to lead. My parents were married 56 years, the word was their well. It’s different in my home and somehow though I fought it I still permitted it… I have moved out its all hers to me. I’m so sick of hearing about bad guys, crazy husbands, and no good men. I got issues but my parents trained me in the word, Being a husband was my dream. Being a dad. My kids are grown now and Ill have to find my way alone. Its absolutely terrifying to be the antique in modern day relationships. You’re writings are good.

  66. What if my husband is lazy, passive, had a really poor role model, and is also broken? Thats where we are right now…and Im not sure where to start.

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