Hope for a Hurting Marriage…& a Link Up!

Just recently I’ve received several emails about wives whose husbands are wanting to divorce them.  These women are hurting, scared, and they want to keep their marriage but they don’t know what they can do so their man won’t leave.  Now, even if your marriage isn’t on the brink of divorce some of the things I’m outlining in this post can help heal a hurting marriage or protect your marriage from falling apart.  So read on.

Here’s a letter from one wife sharing her story. This broken women is in need of some encouragement, as well as some counsel, so I thought I’d share her words with you hoping you’d chime in to build up a fellow sister in the Lord.

Dear Jolene,

My husband and I have been married 12 yrs, about a week ago he told me he is not in love with me and he has no interest in getting any help.

My husband says that we are not friends and to be honest with you I have a hard time with that because I do have friends but I have not been able to establish my husband as a friend.

We have 2 daughters whom we love, he is ready to tell them that we are getting divorced after the holidays. I would like him to stay not just for our kids but for us to work things out, he says with his mouth he doesn’t love me but I know there are trials and tribulations going on around him. I have to admit to you that I have not been “that” wife the bible speaks about…. I’m not his friend, I’m not a good listener, I try to control him, I anger easily. It was not until a few days ago loving him purposely ( I thought love was just a feeling I got whenever he did something good for me ). I was not showing/displaying all the types of love the bible requires us to. Its sad I have admit this but its the truth… He is distant and cold and I don’t want to pressure him but I also understand how he feels. I have pushed him away.

I would like your advice, tip, suggestions on what I can do?
~a broken wife

Dear Broken Wife,

First, I want you to know how much my heart hurts for what you are going through. Second, you are wise and discerning to realize that you have made mistakes, (like All. Of. Us!) in your marriage rather than just placing the blame on your man, so, I applaud you for your humility!

Since your man is still in the home with you then I’d recommend a few things so you can win him back! Between now and the end of Christmas you have about 5 weeks, so during that time, my encouragement to you would be to fight for your marriage and be intentional about winning him over. But first, you need to ask him a hard question that NO wife would want to ask her husband.

You need to find out if there is another woman in his life so you know what you’re dealing with.  If there is not, then winning him over will be much easier because you’re dealing with a man whose heart is hardened towards you, rather than a man who has given his heart away to another woman.

Share with your man what you shared with me.  Let him know you haven’t been the best wife and you could have done more to better your relationship with him. Apologize to him and hopefully he’ll accept your apology and extend to you grace and forgiveness, but again, you can’t force him to do these things.
Whether he accepts your apology or not, let him know that you want to be intentional about being a Godly wife; one who respects and loves her husband, and you also want to work at saving your marriage.

 

The following plan to restore your marriage won’t be easy to do in any sense of the word.  You’ll have to die to yourself daily.  You’ll have to lay down your pride even if your man won’t.  Even though this won’t be a cakewalk what you’re doing is pouring out your life for Christ; to ultimately bring Him glory through this trial.

Therefore, I urge you, brothers, in view of God’s mercy, to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God—this is your spiritual act of worship.  Romans 12:1

The goal here is to save your marriage because God hates divorce (Mal. 2:16), so keep that in mind when things become increasingly difficult.  Remember too that you’re in a spiritual battle.  Satan wants to rip apart your marriage, but with God, all things are possible.

Another thing you mentioned was that he is no longer in love with you and you expressed that love is a feeling.  Our emotions can easily deceive us. According to the Bible, love is an action.  When we act and do things in a loving way, our feelings for the other person will naturally follow.

Love is patient and kind. Love is not jealous or boastful or proud or rude. It does not demand its own way. It is not irritable, and it keeps no record of being wronged.  It does not rejoice about injustice but rejoices whenever the truth wins out.  Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance.  1 Corinthians 13:4-7

10 Ways to Win Your Man Over

  • Repent to the Lord for your sins.  Do this every day (whether you’re have a rocky marriage or not!)  This one small act will help you with humility and you’ll have peace in knowing that whatever transpires in your marriage, you are in right-standing with the Lord.
  • Repent to your husband for how you have treated him over the course of your marriage.  Do this whether he repents of any of his sins and whether he forgives you or not.
  • Let him know that you’re glad he asked you to marry him even if he still leaves you.
  • Thank him each day for working hard for you and the children.  Let him know you appreciate all that he has done for your family.
  • Don’t hold a grudge for ANYTHING.  Love keeps no record of wrongs. (1 Cor. 13:5)  Let the past go and move on.

No, dear brothers and sisters, I have not achieved it, but I focus on this one thing: Forgetting the past and looking forward to what lies ahead.  Phil. 3:13

  • Be sweet and kind to him, kinda like the way you were before you married him. 🙂  A wife’s attitude makes a huge difference in a marriage.  Pay attention to him.  Listen to what interests him and see if you can do some of the things he likes to do.
  • Shower him with love.  Something you can do each day is prepare his favorite meal, have the house picked up, make sure he’s got clean clothes to wear, dress in clothes that he likes you in, do your hair and makeup, etc.
  • Respect him even if you feel like you can’t.  Husbands need respect.  Follow his leading and don’t fight him (unless he’s asking you to sin).
  • Entice him.  Yep, I just said that.  Marriage is not just about being friends but it’s about being lovers as well.  Be your man’s lover.  (If there is another woman in the picture, then you’ll need to establish your boundaries here.)
  • Be in prayer every day and be in the Word.  This is where your strength and guidance will come from.  Let the Lord convict your heart and follow His leading.  Jesus knows your man better than you do and He knows what your man needs.  Be prepared to minister to your husband at all costs.

After you’ve poured out all you can, rest in the Lord.  Let God move in your marriage and don’t forget that Christ has a purpose and plan for your life.  If at the end of the holidays your husband leaves, then let him leave.  You’ll have peace in knowing you’ve done all that you could to save your marriage.

But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace.  1 Cor. 7:15

Now if any other readers have some encouragement to share with this dear sister, please chime in below!

Live a poured out life for Christ,

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Now bloggers, it’s time to link up your posts! I’m looking for posts on any and all things related to being a wife, i.e. homemaking ideas, ways you minister to your husband, dating ideas, and/or hearing what the Lord is telling you about your most important earthly relationship!

Link back to this community, either by using the button below or a text link.  Link to your actual “Marital Oneness Mondays” post, not just your general blog address–that way if readers come by later in the week, they can click your relevant post.

 

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17 Comments

  1. One more bit of advice I’d offer this woman is to seek the help of a good, Christian counselor to walk with her through the complexities of this kind of situation. She will need the support and guidance of someone who knows the difficult dynamics that can occur in a situation like she has described.

    Thanks so much, Jolene, for having a compassionate heart toward this woman and bringing her concern to the forefront.

    1. Hi Beth, yes, another listening ear that can see the bigger picture who can offer us Biblical guidance is always needed.

  2. Hi Jolene, as I read your post the thought upper most in my mind is that I am so grateful for people like you who want to help others keep their marriages. You want others to overcome in Jesus and keep their marriages in tact. I honour you for that and I have no doubt in my mind that God will richly reward you. Marriage is empirical, so needed and so able to be good if we put our minds and especially our spirits in Christ into it.
    God bless
    Tracy

    1. Thanks Tracy!
      What I do is all for the Lord. The passion I have for God-fearing marriages comes from Him as well! I’m just a broken vessel trying to pour my life out for Him because He has redeemed me and transformed me. It’s the least I can for my Savior!

  3. I think you did a great job. I suppose I would just encourage her to remember that she is dearly loved by our Lord and to not beat herself up but to forgive herself and not hold onto to any guilt or anything, because guilt just paralyzes and doesn’t move us forward.

    If he does leave, she needs to let Him go, as you said. But until he does (if he does), I would tell her to read I Cor 13:4-8 every day and to insert HER name in the place of the word “love.”

    So, if her name was Debbie she’d be reading “Debbie is patient, Debbie is kind….” and prayerfully ask for God’s grace and strength to show His love to her husband. She needs to be in His word every day. Because it is God who enables us to love. Please let her know that I, and others I am sure, will be praying for her and her marriage.

    She also should find a church if she hasn’t already, because she can’t lead her children any closer to the Lord than she is herself, and they all need the support, the teaching, and the fellowship.

    Now, I have a silly question for YOU! I am going to link up to your Monday link for the first time, and I can’t find your pages individual URL to link up to, so that my link goes to this linky page instead of your blog’s main page.

    Usually, I click on the title of a post and it take’s me to that page’s URL, or it’s in the date. I can’t find the right thing to click onto, so I guess I will just use your blog’s URL. But if you could help me know how to find the individual URL for this page that would be awesome! I guess I am just clueless today, lol! Thanks so much!

    1. Now that I’ve asked all this question I realize that you’re only asking me to link back using your blog button, so I imagine that it will be o.k. to use that. Sorry!

      1. Momstheword,
        No, it’s not you, my site is new and there’s some bugs that need to get worked out. Amen to all of your encouragement!

  4. Jolene,
    Thanks for sharing your “words of wisdom.” It’s so easy to forget in the day to day life, what a blessing marriage is and what a treasure our husbands are. May we, as wives, and children of God, seek God to strengthen our marriages and increase our love and devotion towards our husbands. God bless you in your ministry!

  5. Pingback: When Nightmares Open Your Eyes…

  8. Wonderfully written, Jolene! I only want to highlight one of your points. First – I’ve BEEN THERE. And all your points were ones I had to walk out, but the one I want to highlight is the “entice him” one. Once I really got a hold of the importance of that one, my marriage improved in LEAPS AND BOUNDS. A wise pastor’s wife once told me, “As my husband once said to me, “If I told you I wasn’t “in the mood” or was “too tired” for a nice long chat about life, the kids, and our day, every day for a couple of weeks, you would feel totally alone, angry, hurt, and like I didn’t really care. Why do wives tell their husbands, over and over, that they’re “not in the mood” or “too tired” for sex, when women know that sex is a primary way that men feel loved.”

    I hope I didn’t overstep. Thank you for your dedication to marriages.

    1. Oh goodness, Christy, I didn’t feel like you overstepped AT ALL! 🙂 I fully agree with what you’ve shared and I’m glad you shared it. I just listed it as a bullet point because it needs to be addressed, after all, I married my husband so I could have sex with him! 🙂 And I believe most women married their man for that reason as well. I just didn’t elaborate on the subject matter here because I don’t know if there’s another woman in the picture and I wanted to be really sensitive to that possibility. But God knew you’d share your story here! Thanks friend!

      1. I see what you’re saying 😉 I’m praying for strength for these women who are fighting for their marriages, and for God to intervene in the union. My heart aches for marriages to be restored. When we can go beyond how we “feel” and do what is right, we are UNSTOPPABLE in the Kingdom of God!!!!

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