A Fulfilling Intimacy Life
But before I answer, let me give you a little background first.
Before I came to Christ, I acted like the immoral woman; immodesty and all. But when I married my Beloved, I was a Christian but I had a very difficult time in my mind learning how to reconcile my old ways with my new ones. Of course I learned a few things based on what I read in God’s Word and one of those things was to keep the marriage bed pure and to not have sex outside of marriage.
So, my man and I waited to have sex until our wedding night. Yes, it was very difficult to wait, but it was the right thing to do in God’s eyes. But here’s something that I struggled with regarding intimacy: I was unsure of how to act. I certainly couldn’t act like the tramp immoral woman I once was! But the opposite of that was to be the good, Christian woman, but I didn’t know what that looked like in the marriage bed.
I didn’t have any godly women in my life teaching me those things. What would be considered modest or immodest? What’s appropriate in my marriage bed and what isn’t? What do I show my husband and what don’t I show him? All those questions ran through my mind and it was all very difficult for me. I think at one point I would have swung towards having a prudish attitude based on what I perceived from other Christian women. But, I wanted the straight Truth, so I searched the scriptures for the answers.
What I found in God’s Word was the furthest thing from a frigid or prudish wife!
So, I had resolved in my mind that I wouldn’t turn my Beloved away whenever he wanted to be sexually intimate with me, and here were my reasons why:
#1 My man’s body belongs to me. I loved reading the following verse as a soon to be wife! Remember, I hadn’t been intimate with my man yet!
The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does. And likewise the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.
#2 I wanted to protect my marriage from the Enemy
Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5
#3 I wanted my husband to delight in me, not some other woman. And I didn’t want some other woman to entice him because I wanted to entice him!
Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice with the wife of your youth. [As a] loving deer and a graceful doe, Let her breasts satisfy you at all times; And always be enraptured with her love. Proverbs 5:18,19
#4 The act of marriage is what makes a marriage different from all other relationships. In other words, biblically speaking, you can’t have sex with anyone other than your husband.
Knowing those scriptures and resolving to hold fast to them helped me as a young bride to lay the proper order for our marriage. So when the homemaking duties came, the babies entered into the world, the homeschooling began, and the outside ministries took place, my marital life (including intimacy) did not take a backseat to any of these very important responsibilities.
Modesty and the Marriage Bed
Let me touch on this one because I think it needs to be discussed. Plus, I believe it will bring a greater amount of fulfillment to your intimacy.
The marriage bed is undefiled.
Let marriage be held in honor among all, and let the marriage bed be undefiled, for God will judge the sexually immoral and adulterous. Hebrews 13:4 (ESV)
Perhaps you have been raised in a very conservative, Christian home and you’re not sure how to act. Well, mama done taught you well! She showed you what was modest and what was not and what was appropriate and inappropriate for a lady. She has helped you act in such a manner that it caught your man’s eye and ultimately, you became his wife!
But mama’s time teaching you is done…..at least when it comes to the marriage bed. Your gauge for what to do and how to act in the marriage bed is what your man wants, not what your mama taught you!
Wannna know how to act, just ask your husband what he likes! Yes, it is that easy. If you’re newly married, he may not have all the answers just yet, but over time, he will.
If he likes a lot of makeup, then wear it. If he likes lingerie, then wear. If he likes high-heeled shoes, then wear them. You get my point.
When I walk outside and go through life I try to be modest. When I am in the house with my boys, I try to be modest, but when I am with my husband and no one else, I am not modest. As insecure as I am about my body, I realize that my body is the ONLY naked body that my husband is biblically allowed to look at. That’s why I am eating less chocolate now! I do what I can to make sure my husband is sexually content and he is enjoying the wife of his youth.
Many times we get busy in life meeting all of the demands and responsibilities before us and adding the act of marriage at the end of the day can seem exhausting. Here’s my advice to you. Take a nap in the middle of the day or feed your husband a hot dog for dinner. I’m sure he won’t care if you don’t cook him a 3-course meal because you decided to save your energy for the marriage bed that night!
Or sometimes our husbands are just flat out jerks and the last thing we want to do is have sex with them. Talk to him and let him know your feelings have been hurt over XYZ issue. Do your best to forgive him, resolve your conflict and move on.
Live a poured out life for Christ,
Hi Jolene – such a good post and full of wisdom. The whole how far to go in marriage is complicated one but God made us, He will guide us and He is using you to help do just that.
Tracy, you encourage me so much!
Jolene, I appreciate and thank you for everything that you put into your posts. I have never left a message before but I check in every day.
Wow, Renee, I am humbled by your words, friend!
Love the post! I am currently reading “Real Marriage The Truth About Sex, Friendship & Life Together” By Mark Driscoll from Mars Hills Church in Seattle. He also has a sermon series on his church website based on the book. His book is similar to what you said and so true. I am so glad to see you writing on this topic that is so often overlooked yet can help us be such a blessing to our husbands. Especially after being so bombarded by the world out there. Miss seeing you.
Great post! It is hard to release yourself to turn off the inner “prude” after making a conscious effort to be modest and pure during that before marriage time.
Much wisdom written here.
Thank you for this frank, thoughtful, and Biblically based discussion of this important topic.
Love in Him,
And I didn’t want some other woman to entice him because I wanted to entice him! I love this line. As always your honesty and Biblical integrity deliver a great post. Thank you!
I had developed much the same logic about marital intimacy. I always say yes to my husband when he pursues me. It’s a choice I have made, and my husband loves knowing I’m always available to him when he wants to be intimate with me. This helps keep us close and temptation at a minimum for both of us. The thing is, even if I wasn’t in the mood, his pursuit of me and my attitude of being intentionally receptive to him nearly always helps me get in the mood (often quite quickly). In fact, we women are designed to be turned on mainly by touch and emotional closeness rather than sight (as men are). It makes sense that we were designed to respond to our husband’s advances. We don’t have to be in the mood beforehand. It’s amazing how God’s plan for marriage and the way He designed us physically go hand in hand.
Jolene, thank you for sharing your life. I pray continued blessings for you and your family. I am encouraged by this post. This is my first time reading your blog and I am coming back for more. Thank you!
I missed the link-up, but this is a beautiful post! I love the heart you have for marriage!
Hi Jolene – I have a question a friend asked me that I can’t find an answer for. What do you do when YOU (the wife) desire sex and your husband does not? It is a good marriage, both husband and wife are faithful and strong Christians and she is praying much over this issue, but she is unfulfilled and feels undesired by her husband. This is directly opposite of the situation most women find themselves in and therefore, there is not a whole lot of Godly advice out there. Can you offer any thoughts?
I’ll answer this one in a blog post that I’m working on right now!
Thank you! I will be looking forward to that!
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