What Kind of Wife
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Day 2: What Kind of Wife Does He Need Me to Be?

31 Days to a Better Marriage Series

Missed some posts in this series?  You can read them here.

The letter said, He’s tall, dark, and, believe me, handsome. 

Yes, I was intrigued. What single, twenty-six year old wouldn’t be? Certainly one who’d been a bridesmaid a record-breaking 12 times.

The beginning stages of despair that I’d ever meet “the man of my dreams” had set in long before this letter arrived. And, as I had well over a decade to develop this dream man, my list for him was really quite impressive.

Impossible, some said.

Yet, when he walked inside to join us for the dinner party, I knew immediately, There He Is. Exactly as I’d imagined he would be. What a picture he made with his dark wavy hair, blue eyes, tall and strong, wearing black Levi’s and cowboy boots. Wowza. Girly sigh.

I watched as he strode purposefully across the room to introduce himself to me.

To me…?

I left the party that night knowing I’d met the man I was destined to marry.

After a completely inexcusable eternity of three days, Mr. Right came to the same conclusion and a few short months later we were happily married.

So dreams really do come true. 

What Kind of Wife Does He Need Me to Be?

The one hitch in the dream? Like most starry-eyed single women, I’d spent a great deal of time envisioning what kind of husband I wanted him to be – things he would have to do and be to “measure up” to my standards. Somewhere in all that focus on what he needed to be, very little time had been devoted to the consideration of what kind of wife Dream Guy would want me to be.

But when a woman suddenly wakes up a few months into this marriage deal, she starts asking herself some hard questions. Or, at least I did.

  • What does this man need from me?
  • How can I love him in a meaningful way?
  • What can I do to make this marriage the best it can possibly be?

Maybe you’re asking yourself those same things. Maybe you’ve been married a few months, a few years, or even longer. Or, maybe over 20 years like me.

Maybe you’ve been wondering…

What Kind of Wife Does He Need Me to Be?

Kind. I didn’t realize when we began how much he would need me to show him kindness. That he’d need a wife who was thoughtful and gracious toward him. It makes such a difference in our communication if my manner is gentle and my words are sweet. He needs a kind wife.

Loyal. Who would have guessed that this would be so important to him? But I’m telling you, it’s a Big Deal. He needs to know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I’m behind him all the way. Over the years, I’ve become downright feisty in my loyalty to him. I’m standing by my man.

Respectful. Okay, so I thought I did respect him. But I had to learn how to demonstrate that respect in ways that proved it to him. It wasn’t only in what I said, but how I said it. It was also in what I did and the choices I made. All of these combined to communicate the kind of regard I had for him. He needs my respect.

Prayerful. You might say marriage has made a dramatic impact on my prayer life. So much to bring before our God: our relationship, for protection, and for growth and understanding. I’ve come to see that a wife is not nearly as effective as the Holy Spirit when it comes to helping him – or me – change our ways. He needs a woman faithful in prayer.

With an eye to the future. When I was young and newly-married, I mostly thought in terms of what I wanted and felt in the moment.  So when things were tough, I was tempted to give up or walk away. But a strong marriage requires long-term thinking. Now I remind myself of what I want our marriage to look like in 5 years. Or 10 years. Or another 20. I’m a woman with hopes and dreams for our future together.

What Kind of Wife2

So now here it is over 20 years later and he’s still my Mr. Right. Still tall and handsome (though not so dark – *wink). Still the man for me.

And, together, we’re working on making this marriage the best it can possibly be.

In His grace,

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34 Comments

  1. Lisa, this was really beautiful. I love the suggestions of being kind, loyal, prayerful, respectful, and with an eye to the future! In my own marriage journey I have seen how these qualities have developed over time, and the value of them as well. So honored to be writing alongside you on this series. Love your pics too! 🙂

    1. Thanks so much, Roasann! I liked what you said about how those qualities “developed over time” because that’s just how it is, isn’t it? In fact, I’m still doing some “developing” over here. 🙂

      Grateful to be walking with you – in this series and in the Kingdom. Blessings! ~ Lisa

  2. This is absolutely beautiful! Thank you for sharing the wisdom you’ve learned. That’s definitely the kind of wife I’m striving to be, by God’s grace and with his help! 🙂

  3. This series could not have come at a better time for me! I’m so glad I have come across it! I think is series will really help me be the wife I need/want to be for my husband. Thank you!

  4. Thank you for sharing this wisdom with me. I’ve been married over 9 years but I’m still learning new things I need to work on every single day.

  6. I am currently on my honeymoon, so this is a fantastic series to start my marriage off with. Looking forward to more posts!

  7. Lisa…going on 22 years of marriage and I find I must still practice these points intentionally and with an “eye for the future” because we are thinking long term…still holding hands and laughing together. Thank you for a great post. Glad to be doing this series alongside you. Blessings.

    1. I know what you mean, Naomi. While some things come a bit more easily now, I still have to remind myself of where we’re going and what he needs from me. Still! I look forward to seeing you later in the series! ~ Lisa

  8. We have made it to 38+ and my heart is to continue to learn, to continue to grow closer to the Lord, and to continue to love and respect my Roy more each day, unconditionally. I am grateful to women who came to understanding more quickly than I have but you never stop learning and never stop growing. I pray that the Lord will protect and guard you, that He will guide you so clearly as you walk through this series. (Ephesians 6:12)

    1. I’m always grateful to meet others who’ve been doing this married-thing for even longer than me. It’s encouraging and inspiring! I’m also grateful for your prayers – they are a true gift to us all here. Blessings on you and your Roy!

  11. This is great! I’ve been so excited for this series to start since I first saw it advertised (through Facebook, I think). Thank you for your thoughts and wisdom!

  12. This was wonderful! I needed to see this today too. Sometimes I ask myself am I doing enough or what can I do for him…this really helped. Thank you 🙂

  13. Lisa this is such an encouraging post. I’m reminded of some things I need to work on as a wife, and in such a loving way on your end 🙂 Thank you!

    Blessings,
    Nicole @ WKH

  14. Thank you so much for sharing! I love this and take every word into account, as we’ve been married 4 mo now. I want to be the wife he needs! Can you give some examples on how you show him respect, loyalty, kindness and looking to the future? Thanks for your consideration!

    1. How exciting to be a newlywed! Congratulations! I suppose each one of those subjects is a post in itself. I wouldn’t be surprised if many (if not all?) of those topics will be touched upon in this series. We’ve still got 29 days to go!

  15. This is wonderful! I’m not married yet and will only be 20 in November but I have been dating my boyfriend for about 2 years now. Compared to your short dating/engagement length, it makes me wonder how you knew he was the one for you? I’ve been dating for about 2 years and am still unsure sometimes.

    1. That’s a good question, Clara. I’m not sure if I can even explain it, except that God just pressed upon my heart with this certainty that this guy was who He had for me. I have another dear friend who took a number of years before she was confident – and they are also still very happily married. 🙂

      My advice is to continue praying about it, seeking God and godly counsel. Bless you as you seek Him!

  16. As Rosann said, “developing overtime” is really what is happening with me too! I am learning each day! But there are days when I slide back…to my old habits. But our God lifts me up every time…and I am so thankful for His guidance..:)

    1. Isn’t that the truth, Sunu! I suppose it’s like most things in our walk. Our God is gracious with us, isn’t he? (and thankfully, my husband too 😉

  18. Lisa thank you for the reminders. I’ve been married to my husband for 29 years and we dated 5 years prior to getting married. I go through every day thinking how I can be the kind of wife he needs me to be. Great Study.

  19. Lisa, Wonderful post, however I have a werid question. I see that you write a lot on modesty. I do find your wedding dress modern and fashionable (not in a bad way). Did you change your attitude towards modesty after your marriage?

    1. Not a wierd question and I’m glad you asked! Actually, I’ve only written one post on the subject of modesty (it just recieved a lot of attention?), but I would say that I became more aware of modesty after I was married. I believe it’s a subject worth consideration and discussion, although I’m inclined to leave the definition up to the Holy Spirit and individual families. 🙂

  20. Beautiful post, and I love how you said what he “needs” me to be. Not just wants, but needs, as God designed our husbands to crave and need certain things from us, and vice versa. It’s how we are beautifully designed and made to fit together in marriage and complement each other.

    Also love the part about the eye to the future. We have two children and our oldest just got married last weekend, so now our nest is nearly empty, our youngest is 20. I want to make sure that our marriage continues to be strong going into those future years! 🙂

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