Feeling Disconnected From Your Husband? 10 Ways to Stay “Engaged” in Your Marriage
You text him about the dentist appointment. He texts back a thumbs-up. And later it hits you: that was the deepest conversation the two of you had all day.
You love him. You’re not in crisis. But the easy closeness you once shared has quietly slipped into something that looks more like coordination than connection. You manage the calendar, divide the chores, and keep the whole operation running. And somewhere in all that managing, a part of you started missing him, even though he’s right down the hall.
If that’s where you are, sweet friend, you’re not broken, and your marriage isn’t beyond hope. You’ve simply drifted into the place almost every wife drifts into eventually. And the beautiful news is that you can find your way back.
Remember When You Couldn’t Wait to See Him?
Think back to your engagement. He wooed you, pursued you, hung on your every word. You felt treasured. You knew he was the one.
But now that the ring’s been on a while, it’s so much easier to see the problems: the bad habits, the self-centeredness, the insensitivities. His focus has shifted off of you (and let’s be honest, yours has shifted off of him, too). Maybe he’s consumed with providing, buried in work, or knocked flat by a hard season he can’t seem to climb out of.
Here’s what I want you to hear: this is normal. Every marriage drifts.
The Secret to a Wonderful Marriage
There’s no such thing as a perfect marriage. (Don’t buy that lie from the Enemy.) Even the experts don’t have one, because marriage is made up of two sinners. But just because a perfect marriage isn’t possible doesn’t mean a wonderful one isn’t.
One of the most powerful things you can do to rebuild closeness is to stay engaged to your man. Not the way you were before the wedding, but engaged in the everyday sense: connected, leaning in, present. You did it once. You can do it again, on purpose.
10 Ways to Stay Engaged in Your Marriage
1. Honor your vows and choose the “better” on purpose. Your vows said, “for better or for worse.” You’ll have a far more enjoyable marriage when you intentionally choose the better attitude, no matter the trial. So much of marriage is perspective.
2. Build him up instead of tearing him down. If you believe your man is a no-good, rotten husband, you’ll hunt for evidence to prove it. Set out to find the good in him instead, and that’s exactly what you’ll find.
3. Be forgetful. Let your grudges go. Welcome a little marital amnesia about the hurts and patterns of years past, and extend grace daily.
4. Be sweet and kind, like you were when you were engaged. Put a smile on your face when you see him, even when life is hard. Kindness is one of the fastest ways to thaw distance.
5. Take initiative and plan the date. I know, he used to do the planning. But you might be waiting a long time. Take the first step. Quality time isn’t a luxury in marriage; it’s a necessary ingredient.
6. Resolve conflict in a Godly way, quickly. Sweeping problems under the rug is like dumping garbage in your home and pretending it isn’t there. Deal with it, deal with it kindly, and deal with it soon.
7. Stop trying to win. You can win the argument and still lose your marriage. In the heat of a disagreement, ask yourself: Is it more important that I’m right, or that we’re close?
8. Strengthen your friendship. Serve together. Pick up a hobby you both enjoy. Stay emotionally connected, not just side by side managing a household.
9. Be affectionate. Reach for his hand. Wrap your arms around him. Snuggle up close like you did when you were engaged. Closeness shouldn’t leave just because busy seasons moved in.
10. Cleave to your man. Through the mundane and through the storms, keep choosing him, delighting in him, and staying by his side. Your marriage will only grow stronger for it.
“Therefore a man leaves his father and his mother and cleaves to his wife, and they become one flesh.” — Genesis 2:24 (RSV)
You Can Feel Close Again
That distance doesn’t have to be the end of your story. Closeness rarely happens to us. More often, it’s something we choose, one small act at a time. Pick one of these ten today. Then another tomorrow. Little by little, you’ll find your way back to him.
Live a poured-out life for Christ,
Jolene Engle
