How Often Should a Wife Initiate Sex?
Physical intimacy in marriage…. It’s a good thing designed by God. But sometimes as Christian wives, we can be rather reserved in this area of our marriage. But should that be the case?
Click below to listen to my response.
Thank you for your advice on intimacy! I have a question. How many times a month, or year, should I (the wife), pursue my husband without him initiating? I also would like any information that you have on sexual abuse. I have carried a burden, layers of guilt, and sexual frustration for 21 years now! The Lord is working on me with this but it never hurts to ask Christian fellow friends! Thank you for supporting Christian marriage!
Jolene: That is a great question! I would ask my husband. It is an easy question, “Hey, Love, how many times a week would you like me to initiate physical intimacy with you?” You need to have this conversation with your husband.
Eric: Whatever works.
Jolene: Yes, he may not care. He may care. He may say, “Oh, you know, two times a week…once a week.” It is going to be different and vary. I think the point is just to communicate your heart to him. But there’s nothing in scripture that says, “You shall do this so many times a week.”
Eric: Right. The bottom line is that she should go to him and say, “How’d you feel if I did this?” and if he says, “Hey, I’m all for it”, which he probably would say, then it is up to her discretion. If he feels that he’d rather be the initiator, then you’d have more conversation. Always, always, always have more conversation.
Jolene: Right. I think one of the hardest things to have a conversation about is physical intimacy in marriage as Christian women. You have to really break through those walls and just be vulnerable with him. That would be my encouragement. As far as the sexual abuse that you’ve gone through, I know a great book and a great ministry: the man has come out and spoken at my old church several times, his name is Victor Marx, and he went through some horrific experiences. At age 5, he was molested, thrown in a commercial cooler and left to die. Just horrible stuff, but the name of his ministry is All Things Possible. The Lord has broken those chains of bondage that he carried all those years. He wrote a book, I think it has gone to movie now, too, it’s called The Victor Marx Story. This man’s ministry is going into youth prisons because so many of those youths were sexually molested as kids and they took that anger, that hurt and that pain and killed someone for it (maybe the step parent that was molesting them). Victor has such compassion for those who have lived through the life that he lived through. So that would be a resource I would give you. I think the biggest issue for you right now would be the sexual abuse and maybe letting your husband in, that area of vulnerability is going to be very difficult for you. But, if you’ve got a guy who knows your situation, it’s really interesting how powerful a husband’s love is and how he can minister to his wife. A lot of times, we don’t really know what to do with that because maybe we’ve gone through abuse. Anything else to add, Love?
Eric: The reader mentions, “Thank you for supporting Christian marriage.” I just have to say, it was always originally “Christian marriage” because it was the second institution God set up and it was with Him in the midst of the two of them.
Jolene: Right. The reader’s heart knows that I’m pouring into His daughters.
Eric: Absolutely. I want to thank her for that sentiment as well because, in the world, they’ve perverted the idea of marriage to a point where it is unrecognizable.
Jolene: Right. One of the shows I just taped was, “How Do You Know Where You’re Called to Serve?” The Lord made it very clear to me that I’m to pour into His daughters. You guys would be amazed with some of the letters that I get from those who are hurting in the church. So that is where my heart is.
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No pat answer, as it probably varies from marriage to marriage, but I think that the rule of thumb would be enough for him to feel desired.
This was a wonderful post. I just stumbled onto your website and love the advice you give. This answer is such a simple one, yet perfect because you keep the fact that 1.) the question is really needing to be communicated in marriage and 2.) it is different depending on the marriage.
The way you have set this post up has really helped me see other possibilities for how to write posts for the new blog I just started thank you.
Glad to hear what I shared has helped you!
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