How to Respectfully Communicate Your Needs to Your Husband

The other day I gave you the 10 Reasons Why a Husband Isn’t Loving His Wife with Christ-Like Love, and many of the reasons I listed had the underlying premise that a husband was learning his wife’s needs.  Well today I want to share with you how you can respectfully communicate your needs to your man so it’ll be easier for him to love you the way he is commanded by God to do so.

When I was newly married I desired so much to fulfill the commands by God to be a respectful and submissive wife to my husband.  But because I didn’t have a Godly role model emulating what that looked like, I was a little unsure of how to go about this path.

So, early on in our marriage when my Beloved and I would have our disagreements I really didn’t know how to handle them in a Godly way and here’s why…

My natural reaction is to yell and slam doors and to make sure I win the fight at all cost!  (I was a contentious woman with a capital “C”!)  Seeing how I came from a home filled with rage, I pretty much emulated that same behavior before I gave my heart to the Lord.  But now I was a born-again Believer and I knew that those old, contentious ways were not pleasing to my Father.  So, when the disagreements would ensue in our marriage I did my best to maintain self-control and not respond like I did when I lived in darkness.

So instead of lashing out at my husband, I swung in the opposite direction and I stuffed my feelings thinking this was the Biblical approach to being submissive and respectful to my husband.  Which it is not!  I quickly learned that taking this approach was not best for my marriage or for my walk with the Lord.  Stuffing feelings just leads to bitterness and it breaks the oneness of our marital relationship.  In a nutshell, when I didn’t share how I was feeling with my husband, it led me to feeling disconnected from him.   And if I felt disconnected then it was easier for me to put my walls up and not let him in.  Which would eventually lead to anger, a cold heart, and a platonic marital relationship.  By the way, none of these things bring glory to the Lord.

Since being contentious didn’t glorify the Lord nor did stuffing my feelings, I knew I needed to learn a new approach to communicating my needs to my husband.

Being that I didn’t really know what to do, I just decided to share my heart, (kinda like I did when my man and I were dating/engaged.)  When I came to my husband with a spirit of vulnerability and humility (which is extremely hard to do!), I’m naturally softer, kinder, gracious, and respectful when I speak to him.  He always likes this, by the way, and it allows him to deal with me in a gentler way.

The act of sharing your heart makes it easier for a husband to dwell with you with understanding and not be harsh towards you.*

So what does sharing your heart look like, you might ask?

Share with him…

Your feelings.

Your concerns.

Your limitations.

Your fears.

What you’re struggling with.

What you’re trying to overcome.

What you’re capable of doing and not doing.

What you need his support in.

What you need his help with.

And where you need him to protect you.

She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness.  Prov. 31:26

It’s best to share your heart with your husband at a time when you’re not in an argument. 🙂  By communicating your needs beforehand, this will help the two of you to figure out your standards and expectations in your marriage.  And when the disagreements ensue, it’ll be easier to combat the selfishness or the misunderstandings that are surfacing between the two of you.

Just an fyi: you can also use a similar list from the one I wrote and ask your man to share his heart with you so you can better meet his needs.  In fact, you can take this list out on a date one night and have a discussion surrounding this topic. I highly recommend it!

*Note:  I realize that some wives have been respectful and submissive towards their husbands and they have shared their heart countless times with their husbands,  yet their men are still harsh, unloving, uncaring, demanding, and they dismiss the wife’s feelings.  First, I can’t even begin to tell you how many emails I receive by wives who are in your exact same situation, so please know that you are not alone.  Second, next up in this series my husband will be addressing this issue in marriage!

Other posts in this series:

1.  8 Earmarks of a Christian Husband

2.  10 Reasons Why a Husband Isn’t Loving His Wife with Christ-Like Love

3.  What Does the Bible Say About Abuse in Marriage?

Live a poured out life for Christ,

Jolene Engle