10 Reasons Why a Husband Isn’t Loving His Wife with Christ-Like Love
I’ve said before that I’m a ‘why’ gal. I like to get to the root issues of problems so things can truly be restored and healing can take place in a relationship, rather than sticking a band-aid on a wound or worse yet, sweeping problems under the rug. So today I’m going to address the ‘why’s’ in this series of, What to Do When a Husband Doesn’t Love His Wife with Christ-Like Love.
So, why isn’t a Christian husband loving his wife? (Before I get into this list, if you haven’t already done so, please take the time to read the, 8 Earmarks of a Christian Husband, this will help you to have a deeper understanding of what the Word says about a Believing Husband.) So in reading my points below, remember this is intended for a husband who calls Jesus his Lord.
1. He doesn’t know how to love his wife.
The Bible tells the husband to dwell with his wife with understanding and not to treat her harshly. Let’s face reality. Some Christian husbands don’t know these verses (and worse yet, some don’t care!) The only verses that jump out at them is that wives are to submit and respect their husbands. Note: It is the wife’s responsibility to let her husband know when she is being treated harshly or when she feels like he is not dwelling with her with understanding. Yes, I do this in my marriage because my husband is not a mind reader and neither is yours, but for whatever reason, we seem to think they are! 🙂
Also, one of the biggest misconceptions regarding Biblical Submission (even amongst the Church) is that a wife is to remain silent about her feelings. But this is sooo not true! How else would a husband know how to live with and love his wife if she is not letting him know how she feels about certain things? (Of course, there are times as wives that we should bite our tongues because we might want to lash out at our husbands, but these are not the incidents that I’m referring to in this series.)
And quite possibly, growing up he didn’t have a Godly role model emulating what a husband extending Christ-like love to his wife looks like. So now, as a grown man, he’s having to learn how to walk out these Biblical commands in his marriage.
2. He thinks he is loving his wife.
Again, husbands are not mind readers. A wife needs to go to her husband with a spirit of humility, graciousness, and respect as she shares her heart with her husband.
3. He pursued you, caught you, and now he’s become complacent in your relationship.
It is not natural for a husband to extend love to his wife. Many times men, as well as some women, will say to their spouse, “I don’t love you anymore”, or “I’m no longer in love with you.” Their love for the other person was based on feelings, not on actions. Love is an action; it’s a verb. The world, Hollywood, and Satan deceives us into thinking that love is all about our feelings, but that is not biblical. For more understanding of what real love looks like, read 1 Corinthians 13:4-7.
Obviously it’s easy to love the other person when the relationship is blossoming, but eventually, the newness of it all wears off. Hence that’s why God commanded husbands to love their wives.
4. He is consumed with life and his responsibilities and his relationship with his wife are the least of his concerns.
He doesn’t think there is a problem in his marriage especially if the wife is respectful, loving, serving, and submissive towards him. His life seems perfect! What could possibly be wrong in his marriage? All his needs are being met. He goes about his life thinking everything is fine in his marriage until his wife either gets fed up or she breaks down crying because he has not extended his love towards her.
5. He has walked all over his wife his entire marriage and he’s not looking to change.
Her feelings and needs do not matter to him. He’s concerned with him and him alone. The Bible refers to a man who is not walking in the ways of the Lord as a foolish man. My paraphrase of this foolish man…he’s a self-centered jerk.
6. He’s spiritually immature.
There’s no shame in this. Growing in Christ takes time and it doesn’t happen overnight. He’s still learning his role as a husband. Just like we, as wives, are still growing in the Lord and our understanding of submitting and respecting our husbands.
7. He’s walking in his flesh rather than the Spirit.
For a husband to love his wife the way the Bible commands, a husband needs to be walking in the Spirit.
I say then: Walk in the Spirit, and you shall not fulfill the lust of the flesh. Galatians 5:16
A husband can’t continue to love his wife in his own strength, he needs the strength of the Holy Spirit. Just like us as wives! We can’t continually respect and submit to our husbands in our strength, we need the power of the Holy Spirit in our lives. Both husband and wife need to submit to the will of the Father on a continual basis.
8. He’s got mental or emotional problems inhibiting him from loving another person.
This is pretty self-explanatory. My counsel on this one is that you and your man seek professional help.
9. He’s afraid to love his wife.
He may have dwelt with a contentious wife for many years and now he’s afraid to give his heart away to her again. He’s been beaten up, discouraged, emasculated, and disrespected by her and he’s reluctant to let his walls down and let her back in and love her.
10. His wife is not easy to love.
This area is for you to allow the Holy Spirit to move in your heart. Let the Spirit convict you of how you’ve treated your man in the past or how you’re currently treating him. Maybe he’s not wanting to extend his love towards you based on how you’re treating him??
I’ll address how to handle these issues as the series continues!
In the meantime, pray for God to give you the insight and discernment needed into why your man isn’t loving you with Christ-like love. Also, I have received countless emails from wives sharing with me such grievous struggles in their marriages ranging from pornography to infidelity, to husbands who have turned cold and callous towards their wives. Please know I haven’t forgotten you! Many of the things I’m going to cover in this series will give you guidance on your situation. Also, for wives that are married to unbelievers, as a result of this series, I know I will eventually get to equipping you and encouraging you in how to handle your situation.
Live a poured out life for Christ,
Oh, so sorry to hear about your migraines and eye problems. I have struggled with lots of health issues also and it is no fun…in fact, it is very difficult but God is faithful. Have you tried ice packs on your head where it hurts? That is what helps the most with head pain for me. It helps with the inflammation. I will pray for you, Jolene. Your ministry is very important in today’s culture.
I truly believe that your posts are preparing me for my king… marriage is a scary thing. The opportunity to learn about marriages (before you commit) to one is a beneficial blessing. I pray that I can make mine work…it also seems scary:(
Bottom line, because He’s not Christ. Don’t expect your husband to be perfect, as you are not perfect.
So many wonderful points. I think, too, giving him room to grow is key. Wonderful list to keep handy!!
Yes right ???
I will be praying for your health issues. It is hard when you are trying to serve the Lord and Satan keeps you on the couch. You are doing a wonderful job sitting at the Lord’s feet and ministering to these women. What a blessing you are! Thank you for your continued obedience to the Lord even in the times when it is so hard.
You are a beautiful person. I come from a different faith. But grew up in Christian schools. This is one beautiful thing i love in Christian faith.
For your good heart and your self less thought of helping others, i pray to god that
he blesses you with good health, happiness and peace. I was one of those kids who grew up in conservative background. Never had anyone tell me how you need to be in marriage. Your articles are very informative.
I really wish i had something like these to read when I got married. Gods grace i figured it , going through a lot. But just wanted to let you know how helpful it will be for others who are newly married.
Sorry I could not see a way to send a private message. How do I download the book on
N submission it is free also? I was able to down load the one on finances. If there is a fee for the one on submission I would be happy to pay it. Also, I paid for the romance kit and have not been able to download. Can you send to DianaSmith20@hotmail? Thanks
Hi Diana, once you receive my next post via email (which is scheduled for this coming Monday morning) you’ll find the link to my guide at the bottom of my post in your email. The Romance Kit is through A Biblical Marriage. You’ll need to contact them at their site for more information. http://www.abiblicalmarriage.com
What if your husband used to be a youth pastor, knows LOTS about the bible but doesn’t follow one thing? He’s broken most of the ten commandments and it’s like I’m living with an unbeliever. He’s also teaching our children to follow suit as well and that’s what really bothers me.
Yes, you are most definitely in a tough spot. 1 Peter 3:1-4 talks about the man who does not obey the Word, which sounds like your situation, but how a wife may win him over with her conduct. Pursue the Lord regardless of what your guy does or does not do.
Jolene, what does a wife do when the husband wants his wife and kids to go camping and to the mountains on Sundays and not go to church? Should the wife do what her husband says, or go to church and let him go to the mountains on Sundays?
Wow, I can really relate to “he thinks he is loving you”. My man is always telling me I look hot naked… and he thinks that’s the same as You look beautiful tonight honey. I have had to learn his language to make things work.
I can relate to “finding his language” I really don’t like when my husband says I look sexy leading up to the act or during it. Loving words of ANY kind would feel so much better with all of my clothes on and no make-up. Sounds like our husbands need to “find our language”. I came across this blog yesterday while trying to find the words to explain to my husband why he should not have dinner dates with female employees. This blog has helped me communicate my concerns. But now another concern is, why is it always ME searching for the words to speak to my husband so that he does not think I am being emotional, irrational or overbearing. I find his way of keeping the peace is being silent or defensive where mine is expressing my concerns and trying to solve problems. Our communication is way off….very frustrating.
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