Today I’m addressing a question from one of my readers about how she does not feel desired by her husband. I realize that this is not the norm in most marriages, but I am finding that this concern is starting to become more and more prevalent. Now some of you reading this probably wished you had this woman’s issues because you deem having sex with your husband as a chore, but that’s another post. However, imagine how you would feel if your husband did not pursue you and you did not feel desired by him.
Question: What do you do when YOU (the wife) desire sex and your husband does not? It is a good marriage, both husband and wife are faithful and strong Christians and she is praying much over this issue, but she is unfulfilled and feels undesired by her husband. This is directly opposite of the situation most women find themselves in and therefore, there is not a whole lot of Godly advice out there. Can you offer any thoughts?
So now you’re married. Life has taken place. Arguments have happened. Kids are added into the mix. Outside ministry has taken place. And your man’s pursuit of you has ended. He’s caught you. The passion that you once had early in your marriage is now just a distant memory. You feel sexually unfulfilled and undesired by your husband. You wonder why your man isn’t pursuing you and you don’t know what to do.
This woman is feeling the complete opposite of what the ‘norm’ is in most marriages. She doesn’t have the problem of him wanting more sex so I’m sure it is hard for her to not think that there is something wrong with her.
Seeing how I don’t know this wife personally and I can’t probe any deeper, I need to make a few assumption regarding this question.
I am going to assume that the wife in this scenario feels undesired by her husband rather than knowing for certain how her husband truly feels about having sex with her. I am assuming she is wrestling with her feelings and his lack of actions towards her, rather than speaking to him directly and hearing him say outright that he does not desire her. These are two separate issues and today we’re addressing the wife’s feelings.
Here’s a list of things to consider as to why a man might not be desiring his wife.
Let’s look at the man first:
- His sex drive happens to be lower than his wife’s drive.
- The wife has rejected his sexual advances for too many years and now he’s no longer interested in pursuing her because he’s tired of being rejected.
- His testosterone levels are low.
- He’s on medication that is decreasing his drive.
- He’s got a medical condition or illness that is hindering his ability to perform.
- He has anxiety and performance issues.
- He experienced some past sexual abuse and he doesn’t know how to deal with it, so he avoids having sex with his wife.
- His desire for sexual intimacy is lower than hers.
- He’s in a situation at work that is making him feel emasculated which is hindering his feeling of manliness.
- The roles have been reversed in the marriage. The wife works and the husband stays at home. This might make the man feel emasculated and could carry over into their marriage bed causing him to not want to be intimate with his wife.
- He’s just flat out lazy and unmotivated. Having sex is too much work for him.
- He’s a compulsive personality, meaning he’s a workaholic or his mind is focused on other goals, accomplishments, and achievements. Sex is not important enough to him.
- Maybe he’s heavily involved in ministry. Sex to him might seem like a trivial pursuit seeing how he’s spending large amounts of his time and effort trying to build God’s kingdom. His focus is not on his marriage especially if he feels he’s got a rock-solid marriage.
- He’s stressed out. He’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders. His mind is consumed with many things and responsibilities, and unfortunately, the act of marriage is not on the top of his list.
- He’s into porn or he’s having an affair.
Tomorrow we’re going to take a look at the wife and see if she’s contributing to her husband’s lack of desire. Plus I’ll give you some practical ways to solve some of these issues. (You can read Part 2 here.)
Live a poured out life for Christ,
Need some encouragement and guidance in your marriage? Grab my latest book, Wives of the Bible: 25 Easy Lessons You Can Learn from these Imperfect Women that Will Radically Transform Your Marriage.