Why a Husband Doesn’t Desire His Wife….& a Link Up!
Today I’m addressing a question from one of my readers about how she does not feel desired by her husband. I realize that this is not the norm in most marriages, but I am finding that this concern is starting to become more and more prevalent. Now some of you reading this probably wished you had this woman’s issues because you deem having sex with your husband as a chore, but that’s another post. However, imagine how you would feel if your husband did not pursue you and you did not feel desired by him.
Question: What do you do when YOU (the wife) desire sex and your husband does not? It is a good marriage, both husband and wife are faithful and strong Christians and she is praying much over this issue, but she is unfulfilled and feels undesired by her husband. This is directly opposite of the situation most women find themselves in and therefore, there is not a whole lot of Godly advice out there. Can you offer any thoughts?
So now you’re married. Life has taken place. Arguments have happened. Kids are added into the mix. Outside ministry has taken place. And your man’s pursuit of you has ended. He’s caught you. The passion that you once had early in your marriage is now just a distant memory. You feel sexually unfulfilled and undesired by your husband. You wonder why your man isn’t pursuing you and you don’t know what to do.
This woman is feeling the complete opposite of what the ‘norm’ is in most marriages. She doesn’t have the problem of him wanting more sex so I’m sure it is hard for her to not think that there is something wrong with her.
Seeing how I don’t know this wife personally and I can’t probe any deeper, I need to make a few assumption regarding this question.
I am going to assume that the wife in this scenario feels undesired by her husband rather than knowing for certain how her husband truly feels about having sex with her. I am assuming she is wrestling with her feelings and his lack of actions towards her, rather than speaking to him directly and hearing him say outright that he does not desire her. These are two separate issues and today we’re addressing the wife’s feelings.
Here’s a list of things to consider as to why a man might not be desiring his wife.
Let’s look at the man first:
- His sex drive happens to be lower than his wife’s drive.
- The wife has rejected his sexual advances for too many years and now he’s no longer interested in pursuing her because he’s tired of being rejected.
- His testosterone levels are low.
- He’s on medication that is decreasing his drive.
- He’s got a medical condition or illness that is hindering his ability to perform.
- He has anxiety and performance issues.
- He experienced some past sexual abuse and he doesn’t know how to deal with it, so he avoids having sex with his wife.
- His desire for sexual intimacy is lower than hers.
- He’s in a situation at work that is making him feel emasculated which is hindering his feeling of manliness.
- The roles have been reversed in the marriage. The wife works and the husband stays at home. This might make the man feel emasculated and could carry over into their marriage bed causing him to not want to be intimate with his wife.
- He’s just flat out lazy and unmotivated. Having sex is too much work for him.
- He’s a compulsive personality, meaning he’s a workaholic or his mind is focused on other goals, accomplishments, and achievements. Sex is not important enough to him.
- Maybe he’s heavily involved in ministry. Sex to him might seem like a trivial pursuit seeing how he’s spending large amounts of his time and effort trying to build God’s kingdom. His focus is not on his marriage especially if he feels he’s got a rock-solid marriage.
- He’s stressed out. He’s got the weight of the world on his shoulders. His mind is consumed with many things and responsibilities, and unfortunately, the act of marriage is not on the top of his list.
- He’s into porn or he’s having an affair.
Tomorrow we’re going to take a look at the wife and see if she’s contributing to her husband’s lack of desire. Plus I’ll give you some practical ways to solve some of these issues. (You can read Part 2 here.)
Live a poured out life for Christ,
Need some encouragement and guidance in your marriage? Grab my latest book, Wives of the Bible: 25 Easy Lessons You Can Learn from these Imperfect Women that Will Radically Transform Your Marriage.
Jolene, Thank you for this. You are so wise and could easily be a counselor! I’m serious. I can’t wait to meet you in person.
Shanda, you’re so cute. I’ll settle for the title of Daughter of the Most High God and a broken vessel for the Lord rather than a Counselor any day! Can’t wait to meet you as well!
Hi Jolene – I love how you tackle issues head on! I think we need so much more of this kind of approach. Great post. Looking forward to your next post on this
They’re not easy issues, but they are issues none the less. My heart is for women to grow in the Lord, not wither, and sometimes what we go through makes life so difficult. Jesus is always with us.
Other reasons might be that he’s a morning person and she is a night person and he is just to tired when she is ready. Another question is if he refuses even if she initiates? May be the wife is to busy and he is to phlegmatic to initiate, but goes w/ her if she initiates?Blessings
Yep, that could certainly apply as well!
Where do you link up at?
Where it says, ‘click here to enter’, then just follow the prompts.
My husband hasn’t desired me since our honeymoon and that was 45 years ago. He moved to our basement and worked the midnight shift all these years. He doesn’t want anything to do with me, I’m suppose to leave him alone and don’t talk to him. He has no TV, phone or computer,he just stays cooped up in the basement. All these years I’ve been confused, depressed and wondering what went wrong. I try not to be at home to much, I have a part time job, and alot of friends. I wish I had some male friends but I just don’t trust them. I’m in my 60s now and pretty much accepted my life for what it is. I no longer have the desire for sex cause no one wants an old woman. Espically one who has been dragged through the mud. It will end some day and thats good !!!!!
I’m so sorry for you. I understand why you would leave this comment anonymously. But if you check back, I want you to know that I prayed that God will give you comfort and guidance and do a miracle in your marriage. God bless you.
Oh sweet friend, when I read your comment, my heart just broke for you. I can’t even imagine the rejection that you have felt over all these years. I hope you have found comfort in our sweet Jesus. And you are right about it all ending someday. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Bless you for sharing this.
This is a very good list! It’s important to consider all of these possibilities because an individual man could be affected by any one of them or more than one.
I would add: Before he met her, he had many experiences of being rejected by women. He fears feeling rejected so much that it’s hard for him to initiate sex with her, even though she is committed to him, because making that effort stirs up bad memories. (This is a situation in which he probably responds just fine if SHE makes the advance. But hardly anyone likes to be the initiator ALL the time, so it’s still a problem to work through.)
Anonymous who has been married 45 years, I am praying that you will find the courage to talk with your husband and try to work it out. It’s not just about sex; you are estranged from him on so many levels, and although you say you’ve accepted it I can tell it still hurts. I hope the two of you can find peace and love.
Glad you liked the list Becca. You are right about the rejection issue.
Thanks so much for linking up to Bible Love Notes B&BB. I love having your quality devotions/articles on the blog hop. You did a great job of dealing with a difficult subject in this one…thorough and thoughtful. thanks so much. I’m praying that God continues to bless your blogging ministry, and I hope to see you next week on B&BB.
Thanks for your encouragement Gail! May the Lord be glorified.
Good article. Lot to think about.
I have the problem that my husband wont spend time with me, he comes home gets on his comouter or reads his books, he says he worked all day ok i know hes 50 works out side all day and tired but come on i’ve been home all day with kids and I’m tired been married for 22 years . you know the saying its all over once they marry you. the gifts and all go away. and having sex that is not often he wates for me to say something or do something and then i wait for him.
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