Why a Husband Does Not Desire His Wife, Part 2
I don’t want to write this post because I don’t want any woman to feel offended or condemned by it. So please hear my heart when I write out some of the reasons a husband may not desire his wife.
Yesterday, I listed the several reasons why a husband may not desire his wife and you can read that post here. And today I’m going to address some areas that a wife may contribute to this problem in her marriage, but before I go into those issues I want to share a story with you.
Let me rewind to about 14 years ago. Just a few days before I was to marry my man we met with our pastor for our last pre-marital counseling session. The talk that our pastor gave us was on the Song of Solomon; sex, enjoying your wife’s body, and so forth. He further went on to say how a woman’s body will change when she has babies and how our outer appearance will change with age. He also shared his wife’s struggle with her own weight issues that she had had for many years.
His admonishment and encouragement to my man was to be gracious and understanding of my changing body in the coming years of our marriage.
At the time I didn’t really understand why he was sharing this information with us. I was a thin, fit gal who exercised daily. I had no plans of becoming an overweight wife and I was rather insulted by what he was insinuating. But nonetheless, after all these years I’ve never forgotten his counsel.
You can imagine my surprise when after just a year of marriage my body started to break down with one problem after another at the onset of pregnancy. I spent years and years with chronic illnesses. Just to name a few things, my thyroid was messed up along with my hormones and these things caused my metabolism to come to a screeching halt. Add on top of that I had knee and hip issues that hindered my ability to exercise.
So, what does all this mean? According to my standards I am now an overweight wife, and boy am I thankful for that talk that my Pastor gave my man!
Now this brings me to the purpose of this post….
If you’re a wife who feels like your husband does not desire you, ask yourself this question:
Are you desirable?
- What’s your countenance like? Are you contentious? Are you always nagging him, belittling him and criticizing him? Check your heart attitude because if it isn’t sweet and respectful, but rather the complete opposite, this is surely one way to turn your man off. Some husbands would rather dwell on the corner of a roof top than take their wife to bed.
- What’s your outer appearance like? Are you unkempt? Did you let yourself go? Is he no longer physically attracted to you?
Okay, dear one, I so don’t want to go here because I feel like I’m opening a can of worms, but I’m writing about what men desire. They are visual beings. Generally speaking, they like to look at beautiful women. I can’t define what’s beautiful to your man, only he can do that. But some men like it when women apply makeup, do their hair, and dress presentably. Plus, they like us to take care of our bodies. Just like women generally like it when our men take a shower so they don’t smell, be clean-shaven if they don’t have facial hair, and put on clothing that doesn’t have holes and stains all over it. It’s the same premise for a man as it is for a woman, only a man is much more visual. Therefore, a man is usually drawn to a woman’s outer appearance more so than a woman is to a man’s.
Now before you stone me for writing this, trust me, I’m your sister in Christ as well as your sister in cellulite and stretch marks! I can’t eat whatever I want, I’m not a size 2, and I’m certainly not a supermodel. If I were all those things, you’d hate me. But since I don’t fit into any of those categories, you and I will get along just fine and we’ll even be good friends!
Perhaps over the years you’ve brought babies into this world and your body has changed. You can’t help that. Usually weight is added to our frames and the demands of taking care of those little ones is just draining and exhausting. Add the busyness into your days and it’s tough to shed those unwanted pounds. Don’t forget those times that we eat because the food tastes absolutely fantastic or the times when we become an emotional eater because we think by eating that brownie it will make all of our problems go away!
Then we get older and our metabolism slows down. Maybe illnesses and injuries are added to the mix. And perhaps you’re having to take an outside job to make ends meet or you’re caring for elderly parents. Your life has become difficult and demanding and the girlish figure that you once had went out the window a long time ago! The pounds have crept on over the years and you can’t seem to get them off.
So here’s the deal…..An excessive amount of weight could be a turn off to your man. Notice I said, ‘could’. Again, your husband is the one to answer that question, if you dare ask him. I’m not willing to ask my man that question because I don’t want to hear his answer! And asking him if he thinks my butt looks big in a pair of jeans is not a place I’m willing to go either. If he doesn’t find me attractive because of my extra pounds, that would truly hurt my feelings. So, I don’t ask. Instead, I try to watch what I eat and I try to exercise, but I’m nowhere near the size I was when we married. But I guess I’m okay with that as long as I’m working towards being attractive for him.
That’s the main emphasis that I want you to get out of this.
Solution to this Problem
You do your part to have a loving countenance and do your best to have a pleasing outer appearance for him.
Now, if you’re man is an idiot, I mean, not the sharpest tool in the shed, and he can’t extend the grace to you and look past your imperfect figure, that’s between him and the Lord. Regardless of your weight, he’s to love you like Christ loved the church and he’s not to sexually deprive you either.
The Bible is clear on this subject matter. There is a reason why this verse is in the Scriptures. God knew what our tendencies would be like so He gave us instructions to protect our marriage.
Do not deprive one another except with consent for a time, that you may give yourselves to fasting and prayer; and come together again so that Satan does not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 1 Corinthians 7:5
On to the other issues from Part 1….
Share Your Heart
Let him know how you don’t feel desired by him and perhaps while sharing, he’ll let you know that he does desire you but he’s been tired, overwhelmed, has a lower desire, etc. If your man is distracted, tired, stressed, over-committed, a workaholic, has a lower drive than you, etc., then plan for your times of intimacy. I know this sounds so un-romantic, but in the long run it will help your marriage.
Possible Solutions to Possible Problems
Have him see a doctor
If he thinks his lack of drive is related to his testosterone level/medication issues, or he’s having performance issues have him get checked out. Your marriage is too important to not do these things.
Encourage him to talk to his Pastor or see a Christian counselor
In this instance I don’t mean a counselor who happens to be a Christian, but rather a counselor who will use the Word of God to help your man overcome some of his problems like: dealing with past sexual abuse, porn addiction, an affair, feeling emasculated, etc. There’s power in the Cross and healing can take place through Jesus Christ.
For more information on this topic, I’ve listed additional articles from members of the Christian Marriage Bloggers Association, which I’m a part. Perhaps what these brothers and sisters in the Lord have shared will help you as well.
Why Husband Doesn’t Want to Make Love
When He Says He’s Not Interested, Part 2
Live a poured out life for Christ,
Need some encouragement and guidance in your marriage? Grab my latest book, Wives of the Bible: 25 Easy Lessons You Can Learn from these Imperfect Women that Will Radically Transform Your Marriage.
I think I remember something that men actually like woman that are a little bit overweight. Not sure what source that was.
Of course some men do! That’s why I wrote her outer appearance may or may not be the issue. Each man views beauty differently.
Congratulations for being chosen Star Blogger at NOBH! You certainly don’t shy away from difficult issues. Thank you for your honesty and more importantly for writing from a scriptural perspective. Every blessing, Jolene.
Thanks Kelly. May the Lord be glorified.
Hi Jolene – great post, tough subject. Glad your blog is around with such great advice.
Yes!! This is one of my soapboxes about marriage…I have three boys ages four and under so I know it’s hard to find the time to take a shower, wear makeup, exercise, but I think it is so important to try to stay attractive for your husband according to his standard of beauty (to a reasonable degree…I mean, if he expects a supermodel walking around the house in a little black dress with pearls and high heels, forget it!) My mom managed to always have a decent outfit (meaning no sweats) and makeup on when my dad came home even though she was homeschooling 6 kids, and my mother in law did the same thing with her two crazy boys running around. We can do it, but it is a matter of discipline and prioritizing.
Well! I’m no exactly sure what sex is suppose to be like. I’m a christian and believe im my wedding vows. But my husband on the other hand doesn’t believe in those vows. We have been married 45 years and I’ve only had sex once and that’s it for my entire life. As soon as the I DO’s were over my husband changed. We had a wedding night and that was it. I was informed that he hated sex, it was gross and disgusting, and he wasn’t going to do it again. Also he decided to move all his things to the basement and he was going to work the midnight shift until they throw him out to retire. That was over 40 years of not being with me. Since our marriage we have never been together for dinner, vacation, date, watch TV, slept together nothing. He has his apartment and I have mine, I have been upset, depressed, confused for so many years. I’m in my 60’s now and accepted the fact I will never be loved again. I no longer trust men and never will again. Maybe some day I just won’t wake up and the LORD will take me away.
I’m saying a prayer for you right now! Know that you are precious in his sight! The God of the entire universe loves you enough to sacrifice so much so that He can have fellowship with you. I am praying for blessings in your life and am so sorry for what you have had to endure!
My heart breaks for you and what you’ve had to go through all these years. You are so loved by the Lord Jesus and I do hope you know that. I’ll keep you in my prayers.
Dear Anon, I am sending my heartfelt prayers to you now. Please believe me when I say not every man is like your husband.
You are loved by the Lord and a sister of the Lord I love you too.
This is exactly what is happening in my marriage! I have a great & loving husband but he just doesn’t want sex as much as I do. He is very stressed about our bills plus he is on meds for a heart condition and he works two jobs. Plus we hardly ever see each other as he works days for his main job & I work 2nd shift. Plus he says I always point out the stuff that he doesn’t get done (and he’s right, I need to change that.) Plus I have had four kids and am overweight (trying to lose but its not working very well). I just came to the realization today that who would he be more attracted to me with my overweight flabby body or a nicer looking, trim & fit person. Duh, I know what I would be more attracted to!
I just need advice on how to go about making things better. It is really hard for me to talk about this face to face with him.
I know this post is a year old but I hope you can help me!
Kristen, do not be disheartened. I know its hard. I married an older man with a low sex drive. It hurts my heart so much that we aren’t intimate often. But- this does cause me to turn to the Lord. God says in Matt 7:7-8 that we need to Ask, Seek, Knock. Meaning Persist in your prayers. Pray often about this. Show God you desire his will in your marriage by continually taking it to Him in prayer. Our Heavenly father is waiting to fill your desires, having unlimited resources, and infinite wisdom and wants us to FULLY depend on Him. I see where my husband cannot( or will not) meet my needs, I am pushed to turn and ask Our Sweet Lord for strength to be understanding and forgiving, not holding onto bitterness. I want my heart to be soft toward my husband, and be able to be transformed by God’s grace. I encourage you to Persist in your prayers, asking the Lord to change your heart. I haven’t come from a family that talks, but God has shown me that if I want openness with my husband I have to be open! Ask your Husband for forgiveness, and repent. Show him the grace you want extended. Be honest with him.
Here is an article on talking with your husband about sex.
Thanks! I have talked to him and he knows it is something that needs to be worked on. I have been trying really hard to not say negative things about him but haven’t noticed much difference in him. I guess it takes time. Currently we are in the process of moving so I don’t even want it right now anyway. I have also been working on not being the victim and going after what I want more. That has helped some also.
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