Having sex before marriage is common practice in our society today. I wish that weren’t true, but it is. But having sex before you’re married doesn’t play out well. In fact, you carry a lot of baggage when you go outside of God’s will regarding this and you totally miss out on some beautiful blessings if you don’t save your purity for your husband.
I’ve got a reader asking about this important topic and I thought I’d share where I’ve been regarding this situation.
I’m wondering if you have advice on sex before marriage. What can I do to have a strong faithful approach to sex?
A curious teenager
I just love addressing this topic! Reason being is that I lived on both sides of the fence, meaning, I know what it’s like to not wait to have sex before marriage and I also know what it’s like to wait to have sex before marriage. Confused now? I thought so. Let me explain.
If you don’t know my story here it is in a nutshell…
When I was 21 yrs. old I got married. And no, I wasn’t a virgin when I married him. I shared that story here. And I shared here about my divorce before I got saved. Then at 26 yrs. old I got saved and then married my Beloved when I was 28 yrs. old. My man was 34 and he was married before and I share his story as well.
So here we were, two adults who had had sex before, yet, we were Believers and we knew God’s Word. But regardless of our past, we knew that sex was reserved for only marriage. Now let me just tell you that since we knew what sex was like, our temptation to have it was at an all-time high! So, in wanting to follow the Scriptures, we made sure we had a short engagement period- 3 months to be exact. 🙂 And I don’t regret one ounce of planning a quick wedding!
So here’s what I have learned and what I would pass on to a younger woman….
When my Beloved and I got married and when we went on our honeymoon, we did not physically know each other in a sexual way. And can I just say, ‘wow’ what an awesome honeymoon! What anticipation and excitement we had to look forward to.
The two of us became one when we said our vows and then we got to experience that one flesh union as a husband and wife. It was beautiful. And wonderful. And special and reserved just for the bride and groom. We made vows to one another, a life-long commitment, a covenant to each other and to God.
Knowing that you’re giving yourself over to your husband who is devoted to you is definitely not the same experience as giving yourself over to a man who is not committed to you (even if he says he is!)
There’s an old saying that goes like this, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.” In other words, if you sleep with a guy before you marry him, he’ll have no reason to step up to the plate and be committed to you for the rest of your life. Why should he? He gets the benefits of acting like he’s married (having sex) when he doesn’t have to have the commitment and responsibility of being a husband. Dear sister, you are worth the commitment!
Saving your purity for marriage is a deep and safe bond that a one night stand or a sexual relationship outside of marriage can never ever compare to! You’ll never feel safe, vulnerable and fully you without the commitment of marriage and the reason why is because God did not design sex to be had outside of marriage. So don’t buy the lies from Hollywood or your girlfriend who’s having sex with her boyfriend or others who say, ‘you need to find out if you’re sexually compatible’.
The lies they espouse are ALL garbage! Every ounce of what these people pontificate regarding sex before marriage will tear pieces away from your soul if you give yourself physically away before marriage. Remember, I know because I lived this life once before!
Here’s something else to think on: You and your future husband become sexually compatible throughout the years of your marriage. You work on the act of marriage together. You don’t just dump your guy because you’re sex drive is not the same as his. That’s just a ridiculous notion! Yet, people buy the lie- hook, line, and sinker all. the. time!
Hollywood has the sex thing all wrong and the Bible has it all right.
Which one would you like to take advice from? Your Creator, the One who adores you or someone who writes a script and makes money off a you because you bought a movie ticket? (scoff) This one is a no-brainer.
Of course I wish I could have been physically pure by giving myself only to my husband, but that’s not the story of my life. However, I am redeemed by God’s blood when He died on the Cross for my sins. But just know that I have had to deal with the memories of my poor choices. And what this means in laymen’s terms….I’ve lived with regret. Don’t make the same poor choices I’ve made because you’ll live with regret too. (Now that I think about it, I have yet to hear a Christian woman say she regrets that she waited to have sex on her wedding night.)
When a husband and wife enter into marriage as virgins they get the benefits of exploring and learning one another’s bodies without having to deal with the following:
- Comparing your spouse to your past lovers.
- Dealing with insecurities on your part because of your spouse’s past lovers.
- Condemnation from the Enemy (or a perhaps even your spouse).
All 3 of these areas will make it difficult for your marriage bed to thrive, (but of course with Christ, all things are possible. I shared how you can overcome your past sexual sins here.)
But my encouragement to every single gal is to wait until your wedding night to have sex with your husband. You’ll never regret this decision because this is what God deems best for you. He’s wise, by the way, and you should listen to Him because He knows what He’s talking about. After all, He designed you, He designed your future husband and He designed the institution of marriage. So, listen to the Designer because He’s protecting you and He’s giving you the BEST path for your future marriage.
And of course there are physical ramifications to having sex outside of marriage like an unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases. Quite frankly, the only safe sex you can have is sex within the confines of marriage.
And if the emotional and physical reasons that I have given aren’t good enough for you as to why you should remain pure before marriage, then here’s a spiritual reason….
You’re outside of God’s will for your life if you have sex before marriage.
Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God. 1 Cor. 6:9,10
Fornicators are single people having sex outside of marriage.
Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge. Hebrews 13:4
Note: If you have not remained pure before marriage and you have a repentant heart, your God has forgiven you and washed you in His blood. You can read more about this here.
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