Why You Should Wait to Have Sex Until You’re Married

Having sex before marriage is common practice in our society today.  I wish that weren’t true, but it is.  But having sex before you’re married doesn’t play out well.  In fact, you carry a lot of baggage when you go outside of God’s will regarding this and you totally miss out on some beautiful blessings if you don’t save your purity for your husband.

I’ve got a reader asking about this important topic and I thought I’d share where I’ve been regarding this situation.

Dear Jolene,

I’m wondering if you have advice on sex before marriage. What can I do to have a strong faithful approach to sex?

Signed,

A curious teenager

Why You Should Wait to Have Sex Until You're Married

I just love addressing this topic!  Reason being is that I lived on both sides of the fence, meaning, I know what it’s like to not wait to have sex before marriage and I also know what it’s like to wait to have sex before marriage.  Confused now?  I thought so.  Let me explain.

If you don’t know my story here it is in a nutshell…

When I was 21 yrs. old I got married.  And no, I wasn’t a virgin when I married him.  I shared that story here.  And I shared here about my divorce before I got saved.  Then at 26 yrs. old I got saved and then married my Beloved when I was 28 yrs. old.  My man was 34 and he was married before and I share his story as well.

So here we were, two adults who had had sex before, yet, we were Believers and we knew God’s Word.  But regardless of our past, we knew that sex was reserved for only marriage. Now let me just tell you that since we knew what sex was like, our temptation to have it was at an all-time high!  So, in wanting to follow the Scriptures, we made sure we had a short engagement period- 3 months to be exact. :)  And I don’t regret one ounce of planning a quick wedding!

So here’s what I have learned and what I would pass on to a younger woman….

When my Beloved and I got married and when we went on our honeymoon, we did not physically know each other in a sexual way.  And can I just say, ‘wow’ what an awesome honeymoon!  What anticipation and excitement we had to look forward to.

The two of us became one when we said our vows and then we got to experience that one flesh union as a husband and wife.   It was beautiful.  And wonderful.  And special and reserved just for the bride and groom. We made vows to one another, a life-long commitment, a covenant to each other and to God.

Knowing that you’re giving yourself over to your husband who is devoted to you is definitely not the same experience as giving yourself over to a man who is not committed to you (even if he says he is!)

There’s an old saying that goes like this, “Why buy the cow when you can get the milk for free.”  In other words, if you sleep with a guy before you marry him, he’ll have no reason to step up to the plate and be committed to you for the rest of your life.  Why should he?  He gets the benefits of acting like he’s married (having sex) when he doesn’t have to have the commitment and responsibility of being a husband.  Dear sister, you are worth the commitment!

Saving your purity for marriage is a deep and safe bond that a one night stand or a sexual relationship outside of marriage can never ever compare to!  You’ll never feel safe, vulnerable and fully you without the commitment of marriage and the reason why is because God did not design sex to be had outside of marriage. So don’t buy the lies from Hollywood or your girlfriend who’s having sex with her boyfriend or others who say, ‘you need to find out if you’re sexually compatible’.

The lies they espouse are ALL garbage!  Every ounce of what these people pontificate regarding sex before marriage will tear pieces away from your soul if you give yourself physically away before marriage.  Remember, I know because I lived this life once before!

Here’s something else to think on:  You and your future husband become sexually compatible throughout the years of your marriage.  You work on the act of marriage together.  You don’t just dump your guy because you’re sex drive is not the same as his.  That’s just a ridiculous notion!  Yet, people buy the lie- hook, line, and sinker all. the. time!

Hollywood has the sex thing all wrong and the Bible has it all right.

Which one would you like to take advice from?  Your Creator, the One who adores you or someone who writes a script and makes money off a you because you bought a movie ticket?  (scoff)  This one is a no-brainer.

Of course I wish I could have been physically pure by giving myself only to my husband, but that’s not the story of my life.  However, I am redeemed by God’s blood when He died on the Cross for my sins.   But just know that I have had to deal with the memories of my poor choices.  And what this means in laymen’s terms….I’ve lived with regret. Don’t make the same poor choices I’ve made because you’ll live with regret too.  (Now that I think about it, I have yet to hear a Christian woman say she regrets that she waited to have sex on her wedding night.)

When a husband and wife enter into marriage as virgins they get the benefits of exploring and learning one another’s bodies without having to deal with the following:

  • Comparing your spouse to your past lovers.
  • Dealing with insecurities on your part because of your spouse’s past lovers.
  • Condemnation from the Enemy (or a perhaps even your spouse).

All 3 of these areas will make it difficult for your marriage bed to thrive, (but of course with Christ, all things are possible.  I shared how you can overcome your past sexual sins here.)

But my encouragement to every single gal is to wait until your wedding night to have sex with your husband.  You’ll never regret this decision because this is what God deems best for you.  He’s wise, by the way, and you should listen to Him because He knows what He’s talking about.  After all, He designed you, He designed your future husband and He designed the institution of marriage.  So, listen to the Designer because He’s protecting you and He’s giving you the BEST path for your future marriage.

And of course there are physical ramifications to having sex outside of marriage like an unwanted pregnancy or sexually transmitted diseases.  Quite frankly, the only safe sex you can have is sex within the confines of marriage.

And if the emotional and physical reasons that I have given aren’t good enough for you as to why you should remain pure before marriage, then here’s a spiritual reason….

You’re outside of God’s will for your life if you have sex before marriage.

Do you not know that the unrighteous will not inherit the kingdom of God? Do not be deceived. Neither fornicators, nor idolaters, nor adulterers, nor homosexuals, nor sodomites, nor thieves, nor covetous, nor drunkards, nor revilers, nor extortioners will inherit the kingdom of God.  1 Cor. 6:9,10

Fornicators are single people having sex outside of marriage.

Marriage is honorable among all, and the bed undefiled; but fornicators and adulterers God will judge.  Hebrews 13:4

Note:  If you have not remained pure before marriage and you have a repentant heart, your God has forgiven you and washed you in His blood.  You can read more about this here.

Live a poured out life for Christ,
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Comments

  1. Anissa says

    I was saved at a young age but have in to sex before marriage Both times. This has always bothered me because i should have known better. Also since my second husband and i had both been married before that made us commit adultery. I’ve asked forgiveness but since i was already saved prior to my marriages, I still have alot of regret and unforgiveness of myself.

    • says

      Anissa, we serve a loving and forgiving God. Your sins are washed away! Don’t let the Enemy rob you of your joy in Jesus. He paid a great debt when He hung on the cross for all of our sins.

  2. Ellie says

    While I’ve done a lot of wrong things in my life, saving myself for marriage was one of the best decisions I’ve ever made! In fact, I feel for those who haven’t had my experience yet I know we all must make our own way in life. Waiting for the husband God made for me made the whole experience an event rather than something that just happened because “everyone has a first time.” We have three children and I’ve spoken of purity to them often over the years to only find out that my first two children have robbed themselves by engaging in premarital sex. Ah, that was a disappointing discovery yet I don’t think I understood before then how strong the pressures of this society are. Sex is everywhere, but no matter what Hollywood says, God knows best and messages like yours are very helpful. Thank you!

    • says

      Ellie,
      Thank you for sharing your story! Yes, I can imagine that as a mom you probably ached when you heard about your kiddos. Thankfully we have a Savior who redeems us in spite of Hollywood!

  3. says

    My husband and I waited until after we got married and we have no regrets for that. Just think how much easier it will be to encourage our children to wait when we were able to do so. The best part though is that we are each the only person the other one has ever dated. My husband was my first date and my first kiss and, God willing, he will also be my last. I never saw the point in dating someone that I couldn’t see myself marrying and so I saved myself from the heartache and baggage a dating history would’ve gotten me to wait for someone I knew could potentially be my future spouse.

  4. says

    Thank you for this wonderful post! I love your transparency and honesty. My husband and I were virgins when we were married but it is great to hear that people who didn’t wait can still be redeemed by the precious blood of Jesus and have a strong, healthy marriage. We are new creatures in Christ and your life absolutely proves this to be true. May God continue to bless you ministry.

    • says

      Hi Lori,
      I love hearing how you and your man waited! What a blessing. And yes, a strong, healthy marriage is possible when Christ is the focus regardless of one’s past. Every single person who is truly repentant and Christ is their Lord and Savior can live a glorious and transformed life. That is the power of the Cross.

  5. says

    I had a similar experience as Hannah’s–my husband was my first date, my first kiss, and the only person I’ve ever been involved with sexually. We were virgins on our wedding night, although it was not easy to say no to temptation before our marriage. Now we are forgiven of the mistakes we did make, and I’m so thankful we waited–there’s just nothing like knowing that my body is his, his is mine, and we’ve never given ourselves to anyone else and never will!

    Thank you for this post, Jolene–Gospel-filled, practical advice, and heartfelt and honest!

    • says

      Hi Jamie,

      Loved hearing about your story. What a blessing it is to hear that young people today are waiting and they have no regrets because of it! To God be the glory.

  6. says

    Jolene, thanks for the reminder and encouragement to wait–as admittedly difficult as it is! And from what other Christian marriage bloggers have shared, great sex often doesn’t happen overnight–it can take years of patience and learning together; but those are things that God can use to help build and strengthen the relationship.

  7. says

    Jolene,
    I was married for almost 30 years to a Christian man. I was pure when I got married and I was absolutely faithful to him.
    I was robbed of the best years of my sexual life through a marriage with a selfish lover. I can count the number of orgasms I had in those three decades, on one hand! I did everything God wanted me to do. I was a Christian from an early age, I went to a Christian college, I raised my children in a Christian home, I prayed with them and with my husband. We went to Christian seminars on marriage. We all attended church together.
    Because I had not ever had a sexual relationship before marriage, I did not even understand what sexual compatibility was and how healthy it is to have a partner who gives you pleasure and wonderful orgasms in the safe haven of marriage. (even though I gave both of those to my husband)
    I would not wish this on a friend or a daughter or even my worst enemy. Regular, pleasurable sex within marriage is wonderful and it is healthy.
    Since then, I have found a man who is an amazing lover. Since I am middle-aged, I have decided that I will NOT spend my remaining years unfulfilled sexually. And I disagree absolutely with the poster above me… if it takes YEARS to have great sex together, something is really, really wrong in the relationship. After I was no longer married, I was able to immediately have GREAT SEX, right away! Turns out it wasn’t MY FAULT in the marriage! My ex-husband, the great Christian, was a really poor, selfish lover.
    Like I said, I don’t pretend to have all the answers. My marriage was not all bad; we had two wonderful children together. But I believe I missed out on one of God’s wonderful gifts during my marriage, and I don’t know how to reconcile that with waiting to have sex until you are married. Orgasms are healthy, and pleasurable, and God wants us to experience that within marriage. I wonder how many Christian women have grown to feel that they don’t LIKE sex, when, in reality, they just don’t like BAD SEX. They simply have never been with someone who cared enough to adequately pleasure them. In your video on keeping passion in marriage, you kept listing all the reasons a woman might not want to have sex that were issues with the woman (tired, etc.). Believe you me, if my husband had given me wonderful, pleasurable orgasms, I would have been in bed with him early every night and excited to experience the pleasure of sex with him. The problem is not always with the woman.
    When I was married, I never talked about sex with my Christian girlfriends. But after my marriage ended and I learned the ways that a man could help a woman come to orgasm, I started asking my Christian girlfriends, what do you think about oral sex? After her jaw dropped, one of my very conservative Christian girlfriends said, “I think it’s GREAT!” I was shocked. I had never had that pleasure, nor been allowed the pleasure of giving that, in my marriage. Another Christian girlfriend told me, “Oh, my husband knows that he has to give me oral sex if I am going to come because I just can’t climax during regular intercourse.” I realized that there ARE Christian husbands out there that help their wives have orgasms. When I hear about women who have these kinds of husbands and just don’t feel like having sex with them, I simply cannot understand it.
    Human sexuality is complicated. It is much more complicated than a simple decision about whether or not to have sex before you get married.
    I was really upset with God when I found out that my conservative, evangelical Christian girlfriends had been having lovely orgasms for years when I had not. Believe me, it was quite eye-opening to discover, at age 50, that my former husband was a horrible lover.
    Please just be careful and know that sexual problems in a marriage can occur even when both people enter the marriage with sexual purity. And sometimes those problems are irreconcilable. (My husband filed divorce papers on me for other reasons… I would never have been unfaithful to him, and I thank God every day now that I am not married to him anymore.)