1. Jolene…I am so glad you are writing about this. Many women suffer in silence. Good for you for not keeping silent! Nice post!

  2. thank you so much for this post. Just to not feel alone is so huge! I appreciate some of your thoughts on slowing things down, etc.
    Bless you <3

  3. Gosh, I feel superficial linking up about toddlers and pajamas after such a thoughtful and informative post. 🙂
    I wish many experienced wives had the heart to share this with their newlywed sisters. It is certainly needed!

  4. Wonderful post, and I certainly feel for that young woman. She may need to consider talking to her gynecologist, a friend of mine had the same problem and the actual act of intercourse left her hurting for days. Turns out she had a medical problem that was fixed by a small surgery. She too struggled with a lot of the emotions this young lady has.

  5. Oh, how my heart aches for this young couple. I hear this kind of story many times. Excellent, spot-on advice and encouragement, Jolene. Another thought is that her birth control method may be hindering her hormones and desire. Overcoming this issue takes patience! And remembering that through Christ we can be renewed DAILY. When you decide to take low libido by the horns, change doesn’t usually occur overnight. It’s a slow slow process, as you mentioned my sweet friend. PRAYER was the key for me. I prayed for so many different avenues of my libido. Slowly, God revealed several things and good resources. Everyone’s story and body is different. We do put a lot of pressure on ourselves though, being in this sex saturated society. She has so many things going for her though, a tender, considerate husband, maturity to seek counsel and love of the Lord. Keep searching and trying, dear letter writer, you will find a renovated mindset. And, may I gently suggest that since we are controlled by our mind to a certain extent, you could start saying, “I’m a wife who enjoys sexual intimacy with my husband.” What we put in our minds is powerful! But, relax and know God will bring it to you, it just might take time and it might take surprising forms (but not ungodly forms….).

    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Pearl! I forgot about birth control and a low-sex drive (although I knew she was breastfeeding). But that bit of info will help others! 🙂

  6. I can relate in some part of the story. Me and my husband remained pure until our wedding night. And during the honeymoon days, that’s where the problem began to start. This May, we will be 2 years married. And I’m glad that my husband was able to help me out of my comfort zone. During those times that we are just beginning to enjoy this sacred union of Physical Intimacy, there’s no pressure at all because we both know that we have the rest of our lives to figure each other out. 🙂 With my hubby’s love and patience, I learned that it’s ok to take baby steps… 😀

  7. What a wonderful post.
    Hooray for you for being comfortable enough to post! 🙂

  8. Because of some hormone issues I have we have had to work a little harder. When it cones to lubrication (really big issue because I have sensitive skin) we stopped using the specialty sex products and went natural (vitamin e oil, you can buy it at walmart). Because of medication I am on we spend just a little longer on foreplay, just to get things going. The hardest thing for me to overcome though is the teaching that sex is something only men enjoy and that its done in the dark under the covers, being taught that women who enjoy sex are committing some vague sin has often put a damper on my enjoyment.

    This young woman may need to seek some medical advice or even a couples therapist to help her and her husband work through some of this. My heart hurts for her and I hope she is able to find peace and enjoyment.

    1. Hi Amy,
      Thanks for the tips! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with the concept that it is men who only enjoy sex. If you and your man work on it long enough and he finds out what pleases you, I’m positive that you’ll be a wife who enjoys sex! 🙂 Who cares what society has to say! They’re not in your marriage bed.

      1. Its been 12 years, we laugh about some things. and he has accepted that there are some things that are just not going to happen. We are both from the Buckle of the Bible Belt (a.k.a. Georgia) and sex is a taboo subject down here, even in these modern times. Very few parents are comfortable being open & honest with their kids about intimate things. I can remember my grandmother literally having an anxiety attack when my mother announced at breakfast one morning in front of my dad & granddad that we were going shopping for my training bra.

  9. Thank you for posting about this topic, Jolene. I too struggled with this area just like this woman, feeling hopeless, alone, and like I was a failure as a woman and a wife. We have been married for 10 years, and I have just begun to enjoy our physical intimacy and finally understand how good it can be! And it just keeps getting better. 🙂 But to think that I detested it so much before that I actually prayed for a yeast infection just so I could get out of being physically intimate, and God answered that prayer with the most painful yeast infection to date! 🙁 But God used it to speak to my heart about my attitude. My attitude was horrible even 8 years into marriage, thinking “I have to do WHAT for THE REST OF MY LIFE??? It felt like a prison sentence! I experienced pain every time and could never enjoy it. That is, until I prayed and asked God to help me and help my body. I can remember sitting in the bathroom, praying to God for help. And every time, God DID help me! I may have enjoyed it or I may have still had pain, but the closeness I felt with my husband was the greatest gift God gave me, because I was able to give my husband the greatest physical gift THAT NO OTHER WOMAN ON EARTH HAS THE OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE! 🙂 God showed me that, and it added so much to our physical relationship. I believe He has blessed my obedience in physical intimacy by giving me more pleasure than I ever thought was possible! But the pain and hopelessness was certainly real during those many many years of marriage. Having 5 children (and nursing each of them for a year) certainly didn’t help with the libido factor, either! But my husband was always so understanding and patient! We have grown together through this trial, which is an amazing blessing from God! I still have my doubts before intimacy, “will I enjoy it?”, “will it hurt?”, but then I have to cast my fears before the Lord. And with every “success” my body enjoys, my body learns to respond more easily. That is one piece of advice to this woman like you said, to try to create successful moments of intimacy without the pressure of penetration. Also what helped me was to be the initiator. If I set my mind toward the goal of blessing my husband with physical intimacy, I was better able to prepare my mindset and to set my thinking upon my husband, allowing my thoughts to become passionate and aroused toward my husband. It helped me so that I was prepared and more rearing to go! This gave me more success in the bedroom than when he initiated. Plus, it is an added turn-on for the husband when the wife initiates! 🙂 Also, we came to realize in time that certain positions are super painful (which I will endure if he wants it that way on occasion) and certain positions are more likely to be a success. That has helped me to realize that I’m not a failure with physical intimacy, I just need to know how my body best responds. And realizing that using lubricant is okay, and sometimes necessary!

    Thank you for giving words of hope and encouragement for every aspect of a woman’s life, especially those that aren’t freely talked about!

    1. Susanna,
      Thank you for sharing your story! I know many wives will feel like they too are not alone in their struggles. I’m not sure why this topic is not discussed more often. I get the nature of it, but married sex is designed by God! Perhaps others who have had similar stories will be bold enough to share them with younger wives realizing they are just fulfilling the admonition of Titus 2:3-5.

  10. As a PP mentioned, if she’s breastfeeding, then this can be a HUGE influence on the sex life of a marriage. Breastfeeding is wonderful, but it hinders the body’s ability to produce lubrication. I am so glad that you hit on that point! Lubrication is a must!! We prefer coconut oil! Completely natural and works beautifully.
    Secondly, breastfeeding wreaks total havoc with hormones. So, not only are the pregnancy hormones still working out of the system, but the breastfeeding hormones making the libido drop.
    Thirdly, it is very, very easy to become touched out when breastfeeding. There is this little person crawling all over you all day long, the last thing a woman wants is for someone else to be all over her too. It’s understandable that there’s a mental block against wanting to be physical with yet someone else.
    Which boils down to the overall issue of foreplay. It is SOOOOO important to take things slowly. It sounds to me like the OP and her husband may just being having sex without much of a warmup. This also includes taking it slowly during insertion.
    Also try different sex positions.
    There also needs to be the understanding that the majority of women do not climax vaginally every time. Clitoral stimulation is a great tool for the sexual pleasure of a woman. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having the husband use her vibrator to help with foreplay and/or clitoral stimulation. At least until the OP is able to build her sexual confidence.
    I lost my sexual confidence after the birth of our first. I was afraid it was going to hurt, that it wasn’t going to feel the same, and I was touched out. My husband was patient as we relearned how to have sex. His light touches were overwhelming, so he adjusted. He worked on romancing me outside of the bedroom as much as in. And once I was able to climax again, we were good!
    But, I definitely think that a trip to the ob/gyn would be in order. There are physical issues that can cause sex to be painful (vaginismus comes to mind). And I’m always behind therapy. If couples therapy isn’t an option, then she should be going alone.
    I hope this helps. And I hope I managed to keep this as publicly acceptable as possible. 😉

  11. Hello everyone, I am what you call a closet sufferer. I usually read everyone else’s posts and never reply.Well today I had to. The tears just keep falling! I am on the uphill climb in a marriage that almost failed. (I helped kill it – it is not all his fault). My intimacy problems began when I finally woke up and realized my husband was addicted to porn for many years. As far as I know he hasn’t done it in a year or two, but oh, the pain it leaves behind. It is personal – and it hurts deeply. BUT, if you are a child of God – you DO NOT live in his sin, even if he is still in it. What I mean is, I had to go on with Christ. Lonely, being a failure, and lied to, no sexual desire – desperate – I turned to God – surrendered and begged for help. My husband told me that I should have fulfilled his porn fantasies, that I am not a Christian because I do not desire him 24/7, that it is a sin to not be in mood constantly, that I do not love him as much as he loves me,etc……..(in my pain I could not separaate truth and lies). Then my sex drive died completely. Sex was the enemy. I really HATED it and I was so full of hurt that I couldn’t believe that God wanted me to willingly lay down with this man. It felt like being in bed with a stranger. If you can relate to any of this, please please please, do not give up hope. God is faithful and if you will just turn and take baby steps he will carry you back. We are not there yet, but I no longer dread being in the same room as him. I do not guarantee that yours will be a sexually pleasing life, but as Jolene says, we should be willing. Be willing to lay down and give of yourself – forget loving his actions/words, love him as God loved us when we were yet sinners. Cry out to God one act at a time to just help you get through without being noticably rigid and ask him to bless your husband as you are in bed with him. This sounds odd, but is is very healing to pray for others. I am still struggling, although I am making it. I love my husband outwardly in every other way possible as well and I keep asking God to fill me with a forgiving, unselfish, Christ like love. (I never used to ask for these because I didn’t think my hubby deserved any of these.)
    I thank God for my husband daily and I keep praying he will come around to being a talker, leader, prayer-sharing warrior for God. But, I take the Bible seriously and I refuse to die in self pity any longer. I have to do what I can and let God handle the out come. Please do not think I am cold or insensitive to your pains, I just can’t give up BECAUSE of the pain. It is still there, sometimes it is like I do not even like him when I think of our disappointing marriage, BUT I remind myself that I am no gem and God forgave and loves me. God never forsakes us, but we must endure whatever comes with faith and hope. I am so moved by the honesty you all have. I am so afraid to speak openly. I just can’t bear being silent if there is someone out there that still feels they are unworhty becuase they can’t MAKE themselves want sex. Do you truly want to love him? Ask God for the love to do it. Our love isn’t enough. Be patient. Obey God. (this is key – especially when God tells you to forgive ). Stop blaming him – we are all sinners. It is not an easy fix and I am praying for all of you. This is a daily choice to keep going. It WILL be hard. The leper said to Jesus”You can heal me if you want to” and Jesus said, “I want to – BE HEALED!”

  12. My question- my husband doesn’t like physical contact aside from sex. It is hard for me to feel emotionally connected to him when the only time we touch is when we are having sex. Whenever I try to tell him how important it is to me he says that going on dates, holding hands, and kissing in public (or even in front of our kids) is a modern idea that is unnecessary. That I have been ‘brain-washed’ by secular teaching. I guess I can’t expect answers, but maybe some ideas of how to connect with him other ways.

    1. Mary, would your husband be willing to read a marriage book with you? I highly recommend, Love and Respect. It is soundly Biblical based. The book would help you both gain insight into each other. It would help him see how important physical non sexual affection is.

  13. I do have that book, and have read it myself. And several others. He likes to read, but always has excuses about reading marriage books. I don’t ask anymore.

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