When to Set Boundaries in Your Marriage

Boundaries.

EVERY marriage needs them.

I had a young wife write in recently seeking some counsel regarding her marriage.  What she needed was to establish boundaries from the negative influence from her friends and family.

Here’s her story…

Dear Jolene,

I was 20 and my husband was 25 when we married. Many people think that I was crazy to be married so young and we have a lot of criticism because of this.  Those around me say most every bad situation is my husband’s fault.  It’s almost like they are trying to put him down in order for me to see that he’s not worthy of my love or trying to tell me that I’ve made a mistake in marrying him.

I am having a hard time listening to everyone around me say bad things about him and even though I defend him and let them know that I do not appreciate this, they do it anyways. I feel like we did the right thing by getting married and I LOVE our marriage and the change our marriage has brought to both of us individually.

Other people see him as controlling because I don’t go out and do things with friends. I choose to stay with him and not go out but, they blame him, no matter what I say…It never changes their opinion. Not only do they comment about my husband but also about our marriage in general.

On our 1 year anniversary they said, “Well, y’all lasted longer than I thought you would!” or “Everyone thought you were pregnant and that’s why you got married so young”.

I have these plus many other comments. I really don’t know how I should feel about this other than hurt and I don’t know how I can fix this.

Any suggestions or encouragement you can give me would be helpful.

~a hurt newlywed

I get this wife’s position.  I really do.  My unbelieving family was against me marrying my Beloved.  They didn’t understand my faith.  They couldn’t discern the things of the Lord.  Nor could I expect them to because they were in darkness.  Realizing they were not giving me Godly counsel put things into perspective for me.  However, that didn’t lessen my hurt by any means, it just made me realize that they could not accept the things of the Lord.

I am the Lord’s.

My Beloved is the Lord’s.

And so is our marriage!

We are set apart, therefore, our decisions and our life will look different to those that are of this world, (or even to other Believers who are maybe living a lukewarm life.)

In this video I’m sharing a snippet of my response to this wife’s situation.

If you can’t view the video in your reader, click here.

When the outside influence comes into your marriage ask yourself these questions:

• Are they giving you Godly counsel?  Or are you sitting in the seat of the scornful?
• Are friends and family encouraging you to draw closer to the Lord and to your husband?
• Do their words line up with the Word of God?

Blessed is the man Who walks not in the counsel of the ungodly, Nor stands in the path of sinners, Nor sits in the seat of the scornful; But his delight is in the law of the LORD, And in His law he meditates day and night.  Psalm 1:1-2

Filter EVERY aspect of your life through the Word of God and build your marriage upon those precepts so when the naysayers come into your life, you’ll be able to stand your ground.

For example…

Many years ago I had a family member who attacked my husband’s character as well as his parenting.  This person called my man derogatory names, said I would end up physically abused by him, told me my children were going to end up in jail because I was planning on homeschooling them, and then the final blow was when they made the threat to contact Child Protective Services and have my son taken away from us.

You can imagine my complete shock for such ridiculous nonsense!

Let’s just say that this person’s words, insults, accusations and threats did not go over too well with this woman!

SO I DREW THE LINE IN THE SAND…

I established the boundaries….

I told this person that she needed to stop speaking, (she was in a rage).

I told her I wouldn’t allow her to say such horrible things about my guy.

I told her I wouldn’t allow her to threaten my family.  Period!

And I told her I loved her but I wouldn’t put up with her threats and accusations.

Basically, I wasn’t going to tolerate her attack upon my husband and my family.

And then I went home and sobbed.  And sobbed.  And sobbed some more.

Shortly after that I went into pre-term labor while I was carrying my second son.  I was 7 months along at this time.  To say it was a hard time in my life would be a gross understatement.

My relationship with this family member had been broken.  She chose to break it when she didn’t respect my boundaries.

I don’t care who it is that comes into my life that wants to discourage me from pursing the things of the Lord.  I WILL ALWAYS stand on the Word of God as I live my life because the Word of God is TRUTH.  If others can’t accept my beliefs and boundaries and all they want to do is cause me to stumble or compromise my walk with the Lord, then I have a decision to make.

Whom will I choose?  Them and their ways.  Or the Lord and His ways?

If I have to distance myself from this person, I will.

If God is calling me to prune a relationship-branch, then I will, regardless of how much it hurts me.

But nothing and no one will separate me from my Lord nor pursing the things of the Lord!

A wife who respects her husband is of the Lord.

A wife who leaves and cleaves to her husband is of the Lord.

A mother who is raising up Godly offspring is of the Lord.

A woman who follows the Lord is pleasing to the Lord!

Keep in mind there is a cost to pay in following Jesus Christ.

“Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword.  For I have come to turn “ ’a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law—a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household.’  “Anyone who loves their father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves their son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me.  Matt. 10:34-37

This passage hurts to read.  I’ve lived it.  I had to make a choice.  And Jesus is ALWAYS the RIGHT CHOICE.

Don’t compromise your walk with the Lord nor your marriage so others can be a part of your life.  Lord willing, they will be respectful to you and your boundaries.   But if they don’t respect them, you’ll have a choice to make as well.

Whom will you choose?

Live a poured out life for Christ,

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