A Virtuous Wife Will Capture Her Husband’s Heart
Question and Answer time here on the blog today. In fact, most likely I’ll be responding to readers questions this entire month. (If you’ve sent me an email recently my plan is to answer you throughout the coming weeks. Thanks for your patience and grace.)
I’m writing to ask you for help. I have a lot of bad habits and bad thinking that just isn’t good for me or my relationship with my husband. For example I have been an extreme liar and it has caused a huge break in trust in our marriage. I’ve come to realize the horrible effect this has had on my relationship with him. What else can I do to begin to show him I’m faithful and trustworthy? Also, I don’t always have positive thoughts either.
~A Wife Who Wants to Grow in the Lord
Dear A Wife Who Wants to Grow in the Lord,
First, I commend you for desiring to grow in godliness! Second, I’m blessed to hear that you have come to realize that being deceitful and lying in your marital relationship does not produce good fruit. It sounds like you are learning to follow the things of the Lord and you’re desiring to please your Savior. You are wise to discern the errors of your ways!
Even though you are changing for the good, unfortunately, this does not mean your man will naturally embrace your new-found Godly character overnight. It takes time.
9 Steps to Becoming a Virtuous Wife
- If you haven’t already done so, apologize to him for your lack of honesty.
- Let him know you are working on becoming a virtuous and trustworthy wife and you’re desiring to gain his trust again. (To know why it’s important for a husband to have a trustworthy wife, read this post.)
- Ask him if he’ll be patient as well as gracious with you as your character grows in the area of integrity.
- Realize that as you are asking him to be patient and gracious with the change that’s taking place in your character, you need to be patient and gracious with him in trusting you. Change in one’s character takes time.
- If/when you’re tempted to lie to him again, but you’ve chosen not to, let him know you made the choice to be honest so he can see that you’re moving forward as a woman of your word. It’s okay to point out to him how you were tempted to sin, but the Lord gave you the strength not to. I believe this will cause him to ponder your actions and actually see that you are growing in this area of your marriage.
- Walk the talk! Just merely telling him you’re going to be honest is not the same as being honest.
- Rest in Christ. Allow the Lord to move in your heart as you seek to please Him. If your husband can’t accept the change that’s taking place in your heart, you can’t convince him otherwise. All you can do is walk honorably. At some point in his life he will see you are a virtuous woman. (Or he’s living in denial and his heart is hardened towards you. This is a sin issue on his part. As believers, we are to forgive one another. If he’s not willing to forgive you for your past mistakes, that’s a problem that he ultimately has with the Lord as well as the Gospel message. If this is where he is at spiritually, all you can do is live in such a way that is pleasing to the Lord and pray for your husband’s heart to be softened towards Christ and you.
- If there comes a time when you fall and you do lie to him, make sure you apologize to him immediately.
- Knowing why you should be truthful and Who this ultimately pleases will bring purpose and direction to your walk. By embracing the path of being a virtuous woman you’re bringing glory and honor to the Lord. God’s Word says you’re a delight to Him when you are truthful. If God sees your integrity and delights in you, your husband will as well. Just give him some time.
He who speaks truth declares righteousness, but a false witness, deceit. Prov. 12:17
Lying lips are an abomination to the LORD, but those who deal truthfully are His delight. Proverbs 12:22
Now it’s your turn. Anything else you can add to this list? Please share in the comments!
Live a poured out life for Christ,
I am also seeking to be a Virtuous wife. My trouble isn’t lying, it’s anger. I don’t know yet why I am angry or where it comes from other than the rest of my family is vry much like me. I have been tryig to spend time with the Lord everyday. When I do this as well as spending time with blogs such as these, I feel myself getting better. He is healing my heart and helping me move forward with my plans to be a better wife and mother.
When life gets in the way and I cannot devote the time I need with the Lord and with my “studies”, I fall and fast. I become the person I don’t want to be anymore. I am starting to notice it sooner than I did before as well as knowing that without my devotions the “evil” will come back. (That’s how I see the old me – Evil.)
I am glad to see number 5 up there, letting me know that it is okay to point out my change and that I picked the good path instead of the evil path. My husband has gotten into the habit of watching me. Watching me for when I am going to be bad. Waiting for me to go back to the bad. He also now only remembers the bad and in a way only sees the bad. He doesn’t see the good anymore. By pointing out my good and my change I am hoping that he can start recognizing it on his own and that will only help in repairing our relationship. I do have to say that I am blessed with the innocence of a child because my daughter recognizes the good and commends me on it. This helps in encouraging me to keep going.
Good luck to all the wives and mothers out there who are trying to be virtuous!
Audrey, I just wanted to encourage you. Like Jolene said he will need grace. I’m along with you. My husband is constantly looking for me to mess up again and it’s hard at times when I’m really trying. But stay faithful and keep looking to The Lord. Trust me its hard for me but blogs and woman who are there to encourage are wonderful.
God intent for marriage is a beautiful one and I hope and pray one day it will reflect what he wants. Until them I will keep up the work!
Good luck and God bless!
I too have struggled with extreme or explosive anger and never could really pinpoint the exact source. It got to the point where my husband started talking separation if I didn’t change. I tried a few things, including reading and memorizing Bible verses directed at anger. That was helpful, but all it really did was to convict me that my anger was sinful instead of changing me. Finally I just started praying daily for God to take my anger away. I put it on him because I realized I was failing on my own. As I prayed I thought about how my anger hurt others and my prayer became a desperate plea for God to change me not for myself but for the sake of my family. God is good and within a few months I was drastically changed. I’ve struggled very little since then and when I feel it starting again prayer takes it away. It’s amazing to me because I had that anger for my entire life to the point where I thought it was a part of my personality and yet it was so simple of a problem for God to solve once I surrendered myself to him. Hopefully this helps…I know how hard your struggle is, don’t give up!
You are completely in touch with what I am saying Annalee. However, I do believe my anger stems from either being left out, left behind, or not in control, I have always had to have some control or things fall apart. So why did The Lord provide a husband who doesn’t want to have any one controlling him. He pulls away at the first sign of co trolling. Also, almost like a child, I don’t want to. Be working on chores or responsibilities when the rest of my family does give a care and starts doing entertaining or playful things. Therefore leaving me with a sense of being left behind. Totally stupid, but that is what sets my blood boiling.
Prayer works forme. Hearing others that went through or are going through something similar helps me think I am not crazy even though people look at me like that when I am in an episode.
Looks like I am on the right path for. Myself and I will continue to pray for my husband and Iand asking Him to provide husband with grace and forgiveness. I just want my husband to stop keeping score!
I just thought I’d share something with you that I have learned over the course of the past two years. I struggle with extreme anger in my marriage as well. Sometimes my heart and blood feel like they are boiling so hot that I can’t control my self and have even sometimes said very hurtful things to my husband just to make him feel the way I perceive he has made me feel.
What I’ve come to learn is that anger is not a primary feeling. Anger and frustration are not primary feelings they stem from fear which is the primary feeling. This can often be confusing because we don’t think we are afraid of anything because the anger boils over so fast and intensely. However, anger (that is not righteous anger) always stems from fear. Righteous anger would be anger toward something that is evil or contrary to the nature and desires of the Lord. i.e abortion, abuse etc… When you give way to fear you may respond in anger. These fears can be things like trusting that your husband will provide enough income for your family and not go broke, or fear that he might choose not to love you any more, or in my case fear that my husband would be the godly man that I want him to be so that my kids grow up in the Lord, instead of trusting him to the Lord and the Holy Spirits work of conviction. Or a fear could be that he would die and leave you alone to raise the kids and provide financially, another one of mine. These fears are usually subtle and spoken into our mind by the enemy and in turn, if not taken captive and destroyed with the truth of the bible and the gospel and the power of the Holy Spirit working in us, can give way to acting out of unrighteous anger. When I see my husband sin, say for example he is acting selfish or critical of others, I fear that that sin will never change in him and our kids will see those actions as they are growing up and come to reject the Lord we say we love. So I start to feel angry and say things like, “stop being so critical” (real helpful right!). Or I say, “you’re just assuming things, you can’t judge their motives” (to which he usually responds with, “I can read people pretty well.”) That gets my blood boiling).
However, if I learned to trust him to the Lord and the Holy Spirits work in his soul then I could be free from thinking I’m the one that needs to fix him. And since the Lord is the perfect heart surgeon, He would do a better job then I ever could any way. I think trusting the Lord with your very life as your ultimate provider and protector is the key. Knowing that the Lord would provide for you and protect you ultimately, is what brings freedom for you to love your husband with compassion and tenderness and patience. Easier said than done I know. I’m still trying to figure out how to do this.
Prayer is also the key as other comments have said. We can do nothing with out the Holy Spirits power. If you can become aware of fears you might have about your husband or your life or your circumstances or your finances or your spiritual walk or your husbands spiritual walk, then you might be able to know where your anger is coming from and which fear is causing it when it stems up in the different circumstances of daily life.
I pray that the Lord gives you insight and wisdom. Cry out for these and for His power to transform you. But know that it doesn’t happen over night, and the Lord is encouraging and strengthening you every step of the way.
I really love your blog because you don’t pretend that life isn’t hard sometimes! (Or regularly, as the case may be). I love this post because it is open and candid about struggling with sin! Which everyone does, even if they may not want to admit it. Or, as is the case with some other Christian blogs, they prefer to show only the veneer of a nice life, without addressing the issues. Or glossing over them. Which is not to say that I am judging them for that, just that it makes it difficult to relate to that particular blogger. Thus, I really appreciate this blog.
Perhaps you can help me with an issue. I’m getting married and my fiance (military) is long distance. The distance is both a blessing and a curse, because it allows us to truly get to know each others’ personality, but being apart isn’t fun! However, as of late, it seems that we’ve been disagreeing a lot on issues that, while they are not central to a marriage, seems to be larger hints at character traits or moral values. For example. . . He does not believe that the wife should drive while the husband is in the car, and also that the wife should not have male friends, even in group situations. (I would never hang out with another man alone!).
My ultimate question is this: What should I expect from a marriage and a marriage partner? If you or any of the commentors have suggestions or advice, please let me know. Thank you! 🙂
Ha, Ha, no, I don’t pretend that life is a bowl of cherries all the time! I live in the real world where life is hard and trials are the norm. 🙂 But our God, He is faithful!
All answer your question via a blog post, so hold tight!
When I struggled with lying in the early days of our marriage, I confessed my sins to my husband, and he recommended I have someone to be accountable to – other than him – a trusted godly female mentor. This really helped, having another person to pray with and confess things to when I was initially too scared to tell my husband I’d slipped back into my old ways at times. I also spent a lot of time memorizing Scriptures about speaking the truth and what lying does to my heart, life, relationship with God, and marriage. I’d keep these verses handy (i.e. on an index card, in my wallet, on my phone, on my laptop desktop screen, etc) so when the occasion arose when I’d be tempted, I could come back and recall these Scriptures to mind. It’s not easy getting over something this challenging, but with God’s help, I’ve greatly improved and become a more trustworthy wife and truthful woman.
Excellent advice Hannah!
I am seeking being a virtuous wife too… I think most wives want to be one. It’s very challenging and this article really helps me a lot in some grey areas of my relationship with my husband. Sometimes I will jokingly tell my hubby, when God created patience I must have been asleep. I have struggled with anger. I don’t know why I get mad that easily when my expectations are not met but I’m happy to be always praying to God about my not so good traits, I don’t give up and always strive for the best.
Your response also touched in something I get angry about and that’s expectations. I need to not have them. Is it wrong for me to pray for that? Maybe pray for happiness for what I have and what I receive installed of setting my expectations and then get andpgry when they are not met. I have a wonderful husband who tries his best in all he does for me, but I still get upset when he doesn’t do what I want him to do or expect him to do. I think the main part of being a virtuous wife is prayer!
It’s beautiful to hear that you’re not giving up and you’re striving for the best. By honoring God, in due time, your character will change for the better. It’s a journey and things don’t happen over night.
It’s so important that you noted even when we make changes, our spouse will not always recognize them because they are looking for a true change of character; not a momentary change in behavior. Once she proves it’s beyond behavior modification, he will acknowledge, embrace, and be thankful for his new wife!
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