1. Hi Jolene, HELP ME PLEASE!!!! My name is Jenny and I have been married for 5 years next month. I am 51 years of age I divored my husband in 2007 due to continued adultry, we have three children together, my son is 25 and my daughters are 14 and soon to be 17. The children are all saved, they are not perfect but they are awesome kids, who bring a ton of joy to my life. I returned to the dating life (ugggg lol) I love being married! I met Bill on a supposed “Christian” dating web site. Bill’s profile was what every woman would want in a man! He lived in Iowa and me, well here in North Carolina. I had let my ex-husband have the house we lived in and primary custody of our children (he was always good with them), he made exceptional money and I felt they would not want or need anything financially. (Big mistake on my part, but hindsight is 20-20) I had nothing much, no job, was staying with a girlfriend and her family until I could find a job. I had always had a close walk with God, until the pastor at my and my ex-husbands church refused to help us work through the adultry. My ex and I were very active in our church ( we were deacon/deconess, he was the mens ministry president, we headed up the ladies softball league, I helped with mens ministry meals, we taught sunday school and childrens church) I had asked our pastor to let my ex step down from his duties to focus on our marriage. He did’nt think that was a good idea , but others in our church were doing things that were inappropriate. The pastor took them out of there postitions. To say the least…It took a bad toll on our marriage. I left the church, and turned my back on God. I was not angry with Him, I just walked away. Until I got to a low place in my life, realizing what I had done by walking away. I prayed for God to help bring me back to a right relationship with Him. And He did!!! I love Him more now than ever! Whew! WHAT AN AWESOME GOD! Fast forward to five years ago…Bill had me come visit him in Iowa, and he was just what I was looking for in a godly man. He gave me a christian vision of what a wonderful man he was and the “colorfull past” he had had, but that his past was his past. He was a drug user as well as a dealer of meth. He told me he had changed and his life was on track for God. So I moved to Iowa a month after we met and we married six months later. With his life growing up (his dad beat him and was very harsh with him and his siblings) and his drug addiction as well as his prison time (he served approx. 8-9 years.). We have had such a roller coaster marriage. He has been physically abusive (he has restrained in the last year of that) but he is very verbal with his abuse. He says he is trying to work on that. He is very harsh with my kids. (they do NOT like him, but tollerate him), my soon to be 17 year old daughter now lives with us, but the 14 year old will not live here, she will only come every other weekend. I try to keep it together, I pray, I have anointed, I have fasted for God to change me, change him, change his negative attitude and spirit. Bill is very spirituall in church but behind closed doors he is quite different. My daughter and I left him in Oct. of 2012 because of his abuse. We were gone about a month but the place we were staying was coming to an end. Bill promised us he would be different and change and I would see the change! Bill has been lying to me for over year about smoking cigarettes. (he said he did’nt want to dissapoint me any more than he already had, but he is still smoking) He wants to point out what everyone else is doing wrong that he feels they need to change and do different, but as far as his change…I can’t say I have seen that much change. His volital temper is still intact with a little change, but I have seen it diminish and then come back full force ever since we have know one another. I feel I just can’t keep going in the direction we are going. I know God will make a way where there is no way. and ALL THINGS work together for the good of those who love the Lord in accordance to His will. I don’t feel I can go to our now pastor as Bill has already told him things I dont feel is the truth. Our pastor has told us since last Aug. he is going to get with us (because I told Bill we need counseling, he won’t go to a paid counselor because he says they just want to take your money and we can do what we need to do here at home without paying someone). Bill loves to make himself look good and I know he has told our pastor what he feels will make him look good. Jolene, I have read the Bible, books on marriage, respecting your husband. I have dug through devotions and links to get an encouraging word to help. I FEEL LIKE I AM DROWING AND THERES NO WAY OUT! I have tried to talk with Bill but he only says I am b*&%#ing at him or trying to tell him what to do. I do love him and want my marriage to work. He is wearing me out, I feel like he is such a sandpaper person that he will only do what HE feels he wants to do not the way or who God wants him to be. I am tired and worn and hate all the strife in our home. I am sorry this is so long or if I seem to be rambling, and I know you cannot get a full feel of mine or my husbands life in just this email. I am just searching for help. I know it’s all in God’s timing! I just want peace, joy and love in my home. This is my heart Jolene! There is so much more, but I don’t have much time to type it all as Bill has stepped out for just a bit and he watches everything I do. Any advice would be helpful. Thank you so very much and may God bless you and your home, and THANK YOU FOR THIS WEB-SITE, I DO ENJOYED IT!
    Thanks for listening,

    1. Hi Jenny,
      I am so sorry for all that you have gone through! Being that your husband professes to be a Believer, you should follow the Biblical mandate given in Matthew 18:15-17 by going to a brother in the Lord and then to the church. I know you’ve been hurt and disappointed before by how your last Pastor responded regarding your marital problems and now your current husband has painted a different picture of the truth, but you are to be obedient to the Word of God regardless of how your Pastor responds. All you can do is pray that your Pastor will be a man who is led by the Holy Spirit and one who is discerning in your situation.

      Also, since your husband is a volatile man, I’d get out of the house so you can protect you and your daughter.
      Here’s some posts that I’ve already written concerning a similar situation to yours.

      Confronting his sin.

      Your man is portraying a form of godliness but denying it’s power in his life like 2 Tim. 3:2-7 talks about.
      “For men will be lovers of themselves, lovers of money, boasters, proud, blasphemers, disobedient to parents, unthankful, unholy, unloving, unforgiving, slanderers, without self-control, brutal, despisers of good,traitors, headstrong, haughty, lovers of pleasure rather than lovers of God, having a form of godliness but denying its power. And from such people turn away! For of this sort are those who creep into households and make captives of gullible women loaded down with sins, led away by various lusts,always learning and never able to come to the knowledge of the truth.” 2 Timothy 3:2-7

  2. Thank you so much for these practical suggestions. They are all so easy and obvious that sometimes we forget that it’s the little, everyday things that make a marriage strong. I needed the reminder!

  3. Thanks for the encouraging post! I woke up early, early, early this morning praying for my hubby and having a renewed desire to really cultivate my marriage! I was so excited when Carlie mentioned the launch of the fulfillingyourvows blog and then reading your article!


  4. Hi Jolene,
    THANKS for this list … I’m excited just thinking about how thrilled my husband will be with the change when I put these suggestions into practice. God bless you!

  5. Jolene, this is the first time I’ve seen ur blog. U have so much good info here. I am blessed with a true Christian husband, who does his best to follow Christ in every way. In keeping with ur list, here is a thought. Seems we gals always like those little gifts our guys bring home. For me it’s flowers. He enjoys gifting me with them, and I love getting them of course! My opinion is that this can, and should, go both ways. It might be a trinket, a particular type of candy, etc. Often enough it’s just baking him something special, or adding something to the menu that I might not like, but he does. I think these tokens mean as much to our men as they do to us. In fact, our first valentine’s Day, while we dating, he was surprised when I gave him a gift. He mentioned how it’s always about the girl. So true. All the V-day stuff at the stores (except the candy or cards) is geared to either girls or children. Makes one get creative!
    Anyway, enough before I start really rambling! I’m glad u have this blog. Some of the issues, especially intimacy, are so avoided by churches. Like sex is a bad word. But it’s so vital to a marriage. thank you for the encouragement and instruction.

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