28 Comments

  1. What if talking about another woman having sex with him, us being involved in a threesome, or me as his wife having sex with some other man while he watches- is the only thing that turns your husband on? Meaning, If that kind of dirty talk is needed to get him (b/c it doesn’t get me going), does that mean that if we stop the dirty talk and he focuses on seeing me as a hot, sexy, woman to be desired- he won’t get turned on? Because honestly I don’t see how a husband who has seen his wife at her worse, argued with her earlier in the day, etc., can see her as sexy enough for him to get turned on and stay turned on.

    1. One of the most sinister things about sexual sin is that it can so easily become addictive. God’s design for sex is for a man to be captivated by his wife and her beauty alone, and for both husband and wife to leave all others and cleave to each other. The Proverbs speak of a man letting his wife’s breasts satisfy him always. They tell him to love the wife of his youth all his life. A man is designed to find one woman and then pour his life out for her and find his desires fulfilled in her throughout both their lives. So, yes, a man is supposed to be fulfilled only by his wife. He is supposed to find her attractive, even after seeing her at her worst. The female body, even when imperfect, is designed to turn men on. And, of course, there is more to attraction and sexuality than just the physical and visual aspects. I am thankful that I have a good man who finds me attractive, even at my worst.

      However, sin corrupts the perfect design for sexuality that God made. And a man (or woman) who has indulged sin (either in thought or deed) can find that it corrupts their ability to think and to act according to God’s design. So it does happen that men can be no longer turned on by the flesh-and-blood, but imperfect womam God gave them. This is particularly common among men who are addicted to porn, but it can also happen to men who have been promiscous (they get used to a steady stream of different women) or to those who have engaged in certain ungodly sex acts (such as threesomes or orgies). These sins can basically reprogram his brain to be attracted and turned on only by such things and not by God-honoring marital sex. It’s like someone being so addicted to junk food that they don’t like healthy food anymore.

      The good news is that this condition doesn’t have to be permanent. God is a redeeming God and can renew any mind that will submit to Him. But it takes work and a commitment to honoring God in your sex life. It takes much prayer and a steady diet of God’s word (especially what it says about marriage and Godly sexuality). It takes learning to constantly control one’s thoughts and bring every one captive. It takes practice being intimate with one’s spouse as God intended – not just having sex, but learning to value eevry aspect of the person God joined you to. And it takes learning to see sex as not just a release of physical pleasure, but as a bonding between two souls and as an act of worship to God. It takes time and effort on the part of both husband and wife. It won’t happen overnight. But it can be done.

      1. I have a similar situation except my husband wants me to watch porn and dress up for him all the time! It’s my fault because I agreed to it several years ago, but now its really weighing on me! I know that porn is a sin and wrong, but my husband feels like if we are both ok with it then it shouldn’t be a problem. I have a problem with it, I just wanted to fulfill my husbands fantasies. But now its all the time!! He’s wanting me to dress up every time we have sex!

        I tell him i want him to be ok with just me. He says, “You know I’m a perfectionist and even more with sex and you dressing up is more intimate to me and you know that.” ” I’m sorry that I’m not worth putting on sexy clothes for me or even my words of telling you that you look hot are not enough.” “I don’t try to get you to look like someone else. They make lingerie so women feel sexy in the clothes!”

        How do I respond to that? I feel like he wants to be married to a porn star!! I can’t keep up with all his fantasies! Am I wrong? Should I be willing to dress up every time we make love?? I know we are suppose to not deny our husbands! I think he thinks that sex should be like the movies!! Im so lost! I don’t know how to get it through to him and I dont want to deny my husband, but how can I get in the mood when I feel this kind of pressure? I could use some encouraging words!! Thank you!!

  2. Excellent response Jolene! That is the best response needed in such a situation. I think her husband is not grounding himself in the Word of God and thus wants to engage in sexual sin. We cannot see his heart but we must question if he is truly walking in the faith…if he is, then he is treading on dangerous ground and allowing satan to control his mind.

  3. This is a tough and touchy subject to discuss, but Jolene, I think you did it very well! I am blessed with a marriage that has no secrets, and with a husband who (for some strange reason) thinks I’m beautiful even when I feel my ugliest.

    Thanks for hosting the link-up!

  4. Great job Jolene! I am so thankful to have found this blog!

    There is a series of devo books by Stormie O’Martin. Check out The Power Of A Praying Wife (it also has a workbook) and it covers different areas for a wife to pray for her hubby, including sexuality. Each chapter is short, easy to follow, comes with Scripture references and even a prayer to help you get on track in praying for that topic of that chapter.

  5. Hi. I see that my comment was removed. I understand if you do not want it on your site, but in interest of helping the woman who asked for advice, can you please send my comment to her directly and let her pray and decide for herself what is best for her. Thank you.

    1. Polygamy is sin; it is adultery. Why would I promote that? It’s contrary to what the Bible teaches. Just because it is a sin recorded in the Bible, this does not mean it is acceptable in God’s eyes. God’s plan for marriage is one woman with one man, not multiple spouses, therefore, I will not promote nor encourage a woman to follow a path that is outside of God’s will for her life.

      1. Jolene, this may be a stupid question. But in the Old Testament many of the men had multiple wives plus concubines (i mean guys like Moses and Jacob) So I can see how someone can be confused. But how would you explain the difference.

        For me I feel its disrespectful and selfish for a spouse to ask this of a partner.

        1. Amy, your question isn’t stupid, just honest. 🙂 Let me try to bring some clarity…
          Just because the Bible states facts of what’s taking place, that does not mean that God condones the actions. Fact: many men had multiple wives/concubines. God’s Plan: let’s go back to the beginning in Genesis where God designed one man for one woman. “Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24 You can’t become ‘one flesh’ with two wives.
          “But because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” 1 Corinthians 7:2

  6. I have a similar situation except my husband wants me to watch porn and dress up for him all the time! It’s my fault because I agreed to it several years ago, but now its really waying on me! I know that porn is a sin and wrong, but my husband feels like if we are both ok with it then it shouldn’t be a problem. I have a problem with it, I just wanted to fulfill my husbands fantasy’s. But now its all the time!! He’s wanting me to dress up every time we have sex now!

    I tell him i want him to be ok with just my body sometimes. He says, “You know I’m a perfectionist and even more with sex and you dressing up is more intimate to me and you know that.” ” I’m sorry that I’m not worth putting on sexy clothes for me or even my words of telling you that you look hot are not enough. I don’t try to get you to look like someone else. They make lingerie so women feel sexy in the clothes!”

    So I feel like he wants to be married to a porn star!! I can’t keep up with all his fantasy’s! Am I wrong? Should I be willing to dress up every time we make love?? I know we are suppose to not deny our husbands! I think he thinks that sex should be like the movies!! Very lost! Could use some encouraging words!!

    1. Hi Lindsie,
      I’m so sorry to hear about your situation! No, you are not wrong for feeling the way you do. Porn messes with the brain! It’s one thing to fulfill your husband’s sexual fantasy that he has when he’s being intimate with YOU, as opposed to him having sex with you and fantasizing about other women or porn stars. He should embrace you for you. Not your sexy clothes and not images of other naked women on the screen. But…he’s not. He has an addiction and he needs help. I’d put my foot down about what he desires regarding the porn watching and the dressing up. A wife feels degraded when her man only seeks to satisfy himself sexually (and especially in this situation!) Watching porn is a sin. I wouldn’t tolerate it. I’d offer to help him get help for this addiction. If he’s unwilling to do so, you can’t change that, only the Holy Spirit can change his heart. Keep lifting him up in prayer. And make sure you’re not denying him of sex either. Just let him know you’ll have sex without the porn and without you feeling like you need to get dressed up like a porn star. Make sure when you speak with him about this your tone is loving, gracious and with a humble heart. I’d set boundaries rather than enable him in his addiction. I hope this helps.

      1. So dressing up bad? I love to (ON OCCASION because let’s be honest lingerie is not comfortable) dress up for my hubby. I love to surprise him by slipping on something sexy, walking into the room and seeing his eyes almost pop out of his head. But he has never asked or required me to dress up. As for porn…. My hubby is in the military and does get deployed. I don’t care if he watches it when he is overseas (but he takes care of business on his own than find someone else) but when he is home porn is not allowed. Thankfully its never been an issue, but I know for some folks it is, there are therapists that special in this area and a TON of resources online and in book stores for dealing with it honestly and lovingly.

        1. Oh goodness, I am NOT against lingerie at all!! The issue here is when a husband REQUIRES a wife to wear it. Because of the porn that has been brought into the marriage, he is trying to recapture that type of sexual fantasy on a regular basis.

  7. Hi! I just wanted to share a resource with everyone. My husband and I have been married almost 2 years. We have a wonderful intimate relationship, but early on, it was definitely a learning experience and effort for my husband to break from his “single man” habits which involved staying up late past me on the computer and ocassionally looking at pictures of women, for instance on google images or clicking the links on the side of an article on a news page. Scary! I hated it! I knew Satan was just waiting for him to stumble and it was like he was testing he waters- seeing how far he could go before temptation would take him. I’m blessed and lucky to say that he was always forthcoming and honest with me, immediately, and he recognized that it was an issue for him immediately as well – he hated it more than I did! He felt dishonoring but it was also a habit – one that was hard to break. It is not even a problem anymore, but it did take the better half of 2 years for him to change his internet browsing habits – one of the resources that he took upon himself to setup for our home was a K-9 web protection software. It controls browsing and makes certain websites off limits. We blocked facebook, pinterest, and the obvious ones – but the best part is that the ADS on the sides of pages, and also inappropriate images are blocked!!! Ladies – for those of you who shop on sites like Victoria Secret, your web browser learns where you shop, and then places ads for these same online shops on your web pages (who wants their husbands to be surprised by a porn image! Make sure you search on a seperate browser (google -chrome) and delete your browsing history – your seemingly harmless shopping could be the temptation problem!! Back to K-9 web protection, the part that allows it to be effective in your home is that it’s password protected and can be installed for free on every computer, even your iphone! My husband had me set the password, so he doesn’t know it. He’s protected; we’re both happier; he doesn’t even have to be tempted (1 Cor 10:13 – FLEE SIN! right? don’t even let temptation be available!). I highly encourage everyone to check it out – at least for those of you with husbands who truly want help! http://www1.k9webprotection.com/

  8. Wow that was strange. I just wrote an incredibly
    long comment but after I clicked submit my comment didn’t show up. Grrrr… well I’m not writing all that over again.
    Anyhow, just wanted to say fantastic blog!

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