Helping Your Husband to Lead When He Doesn’t Know How
Last week I covered the 14 Reasons Why a Husband Doesn’t Lead His Home. If you missed that post, you can read it here because you’ll want to know why he’s not leading so you can encourage him to do so.
For the next several days I’m going to list out various ways you can help your man step up into his God-ordained leadership position of your family. Today I’m addressing when he doesn’t know how to lead.
If your husband is lacking leadership abilities because he didn’t have a role model or his role model was a poor example while your man was growing up, you can do the following:
- Pray for the Lord to bring Godly men into your husband’s life.
- Encourage him to be in the Word of God. If this is not something he normally does, then make sure he sees you doing it. Your actions may spur him to get into the Word as well.
- Encourage him to attend men’s conferences that are centered around the Word of God.
- Encourage him to read books on Godly leadership that applies to marriage/parenting.
- If he’s open to reading and learning, buy him a book or two for Christmas! But if he would be offended by this, then refrain from doing it.
- Pray for the Lord to give him a desire to grow as the leader of his family.
- If you’re leading, then take a step back so he can take a step forward.
- Ask him questions about how he wants things to happen in your marriage, family and home life. He may not have answers right away, but give him time to process, and then when he does know what he wants, then follow his lead.
If your man is insecure about his leadership abilities because he’s been torn down and discouraged by family, friends, co-workers, etc., then you can do the following:
- Let him know how highly you think of him.
- Build him up. Speak highly of him in front of others.
- Encourage him in his areas of strengths, talents and skills.
- Praise him for the good things he’s doing in his life and praise him for what he’s doing in your marriage and family.
- Praise him when he’s starting to lead.
- If you have a tendency to lead, then take a step back from being in control of your marriage and family life. Keep handing the reins over to your husband.
- Pray for the Lord to give him a desire to grow as the leader of his family.
- Ask him questions about how he wants things to happen in your marriage, family and home life. He may not have answers right away, but give him time to process. When he does know what he wants then make sure you follow his lead without grumbling, criticizing and second-guessing his decisions. Remember, you are wanting to build him up so he’ll continue to lead.
In my own life I did not have Godly role models to help me to know how to be a Godly woman, wife and mother. I had to learn how to be a woman after God’s own heart. In fact, when my man asked me to marry him, I freaked out. Yes, I wanted to be his wife, but I didn’t know how to be a Godly wife; one who was submissive, respectful, and one who was like the Proverbs 31 woman.
Submission, respectfulness, and domestication were three areas that I didn’t know a thing about! It’s like those 3 things and me were like oil and water. I didn’t know how they would ever mix together but I did have a desire to learn. However, I knew I needed help.
I needed to be encouraged to grow in the Lord. I needed a lot of grace and praise. What I didn’t need was criticism nor a husband who took over my areas of responsibilities If he did those things, then it made me feel worthless and incapable of growing as a Godly woman. I’m thankful for my man’s encouragement, praise and patience. Those three things were exactly what I needed to grow as a Godly wife!
On the flip side, what a husband needs when he doesn’t know how to lead or if he’s insecure about his abilities, is a wife who is gentle, compassionate and one who believes in her man. Your loving and encouraging support will cause him to blossom into his leadership role.
Dear brothers and sisters, I close my letter with these last words: Be joyful. Grow to maturity. Encourage each other. Live in harmony and peace. Then the God of love and peace will be with you. 2 Corinthians 13:11
Next up in this this series: Helping Your Passive Husband to Lead.
Live a poured out life for Christ,
Love this and thank you. I have been working on this and have a question. If the husband does not know Jesus yet, is there anything different that a wife should do? <3
No, there’s not much more you’d do in your situation. Just lots of love and grace so you can show him Jesus!
This is really encouraging. I’m going to be putting your tips to good use. I just pray that God can help my husband to be a better leader. Thanks so much for this post, I really needed it. =)
What if it is God’s plan to have you surrender, with grace to What Is? What if your judgements of him are the greater sin? I often struggle with my opinions on what a good God-fearing husband should be and how God ought to tweak him so he is a better man. Then it occurred to me that, perhaps, it may be my hubris that derails God’s peace in my marriage more than my husband’s “failings” that are at issue.
Wow.. your comment speaks loudly to me! Thanks for sharing.
I’ve come to understand that being kind is more important than tweaking/nudging/correcting/manipulating for “a better outcome”. The paradox is that I get “better results” when I get out of the way. Ain’t that something?
I’m touched that you were moved by my wee insight into my own conduct. Thanks for saying so.
I guess in my experience, if a man is bent on being a failure, and/or selfish, there’s nothing a woman can do. Women who think they can change or “help” their husband are walking a tight rope. Pray for him, sure, and stay in the background on decisions, okay, but be forewarned expectation is the #1 cause of disappointment. In the real world, men who won’t move on making descions are cowards and lazy and lack a sense of responsibility. Some men, at least the one in my case, as time went on made descions without me, financial and others. It ended our marriage.
This is a good list but just be sure to not expect it to be a check off list. You’ll be sorely disappointed constantly and he’ll resent it or worst of all YOU. It is not a woman’s place to change or fix your husband. If you feel you are doing this ask yourself what it is that you are unhappy about with yourself.
Also it’s strange, my ex-husband, was the one who tried to change, really control, me. It wasn’t the other way around much. I let him be as he was until he started doing things that worked against the grain of building a healthy relationship and family life. I spoke up at that point. Ten years later he’s still doing the same thing to other women he’s been with. Oh the descruction that lies in his wake.
Thanks woman of God for encouraging lesson, I will surely put this into practice.
Thanks so much for your encouragement! You mentioned giving your spouse a book about Godly leadership. Do you have any recommendations?
For those wives who can look at that list and say, “Check, check, and check…sigh…I’ve been doing all these things…for years now. Surely there is something wrong with ME.” Hold on there sweet lady – do not miss a point that the author made (but didn’t make). She said, “In my own life I did not have Godly role models to help me to know how to be a Godly woman, wife and mother. I had to learn how to be a woman after God’s own heart…but I did have a desire to learn. However, I knew I needed help.” Yes, we must be teachable by others, God’s Word, and the Holy Spirit, but sadly, there are men who are unwilling to learn or incapable of learning, lacking the desire and/or willingness and/or understanding. We need to recognize that this is the case in some situations. If you are one of those ladies, I pray for you who persevere year after year after year. I pray that you do not fall into condemnation or depression. I will also pray that God gives you wisdom in when to step back and when to step up. I do believe in stepping back to allow a person to do as much as they are capable of doing; however, when a car is about to go off a cliff and peoples’ lives are at stake (especially young people’s lives), we as wives must ask God to give us wisdom and guidance. We also need to pray for Titus 2 men and women in our churches which are severely lacking.
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