If You’re Not a Wife with a Strong Personality Don’t Bother Reading This
Tenacious. Determined. Intense. Does any of this sound like you? These traits certainly resonate with me.
Before I had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ I wrestled with my personality. As a woman, I couldn’t quite figure out how to deal with my renegade-like style and my warrior tenacity. Then when I got saved and hung out with a bunch of Christian women, I didn’t know how to be me and be Christ-like at the same time.
Over the years, there have been people in the Bible that I’ve identified with which is not too common for the typical female. Like the story of Jael, the woman who drove a tent peg into Sisera’s head and killing him. And the story of Peter when he chopped off the servant’s ear of the high priest when they came to arrest Jesus. It is much more common for this girl to gravitate toward swords and tent pegs then home decor and baking, (although the latter I have learned to cultivate.)
However, for the last 19 years of my life, I have since learned how to me, a wife with a strong personality, and be Christ-like at the same time. Growing in Christ has allowed me to embrace who God has made me to be and I don’t apologize for it. However, I do apologize for my sin because going through life with a sword and tent peg in my hand along with arrogance and pride in my heart is a lethal combination. So, I’ve put down one sword to pick up another, and this Sword holds much more power and influence than the first one because my new Sword is the Bible.
By searching the scriptures and heeding the Word of God I have learned the difference between my personality and my sin and I want to encourage you to do the same.
So, consider the following….
Nowhere in the Bible does it say that you and I need to change our personalities. And why would it? It would be contrary to who God is since God made us. However, the Bible does say that we should renew our minds and be transformed by the Word of God. With our God-given, God-approved, and God-created personalities, we should move forward in life seeking to become more like Jesus Christ and less like our sin-nature.
I beseech you therefore, brethren, by the mercies of God, that you present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable to God, which is your reasonable service. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, that you may prove what is that good and acceptable and perfect will of God. Romans 12:1-2
Our God-appointed strong personalities are not designed to conflict with the Word of God, but what will conflict with it is our flesh.
God’s perfect will for us as wives is to follow what the Bible has to say rather than what our emotions have to say. If I listened to my emotions all day long I’d end up having a disconnected, strife-filled, pride-infested marriage and I’d emasculate my husband in the process. Seeing how I’m not interested in having a marriage like this, I’ve decided to submit my God-given, strong personality to the Lord and His ways.
As a wife with a strong personality, there’s not one ounce of weakness running through my veins when I choose to:
- Support (Submit)
- and be gracious to my husband.
No one is holding a gun to my head forcing me to do these things because I choose to do them. Because it’s my choice this does not mean I have to become a different person. It simply means I’m becoming a better version of me because I’m embracing godly attributes instead of my sin-nature.
Imagine those same character traits above displayed in your child’s life? Does your child wind up having a different personality when he takes on these traits or does he just become a better, Christ-centered human being?
Because I choose to be meekness-minded this does not equate to being weakness-minded. Meekness is strength under control. And let me tell you, to hold back from giving someone a piece of my mind definitely requires a great amount of strength on my part.
We do not lose our personalities because we’ve chosen to build God-honoring character traits within us. No, dear friend, when we couple our God-created personalities with God’s character we become even more powerful because we’re more influential to those around us, namely our husbands.
Now, let me reason with your logical mind for just a second…
Does your husband’s personality determine whether or not he is capable of loving? Of course, the answer is no.
His personality has nothing to do with loving you because love is a choice. It’s an action of one’s will no matter what their personality is like.
Imagine if your husband told you he can’t love you based on his personality and based on your performance as a wife. If my man told me that, I might be tempted to pick up a tent peg!
Of course, this statement would hurt us deeply because we know darn well that loving someone has nothing to do with one’s personality. And goodness, could you even imagine if your husband’s love for you was based on how easy you are to love?
Now let’s reverse this concept.
Imagine if you told your husband that based on your personality and based on his performance you can’t respect him. What do you think that would do to your man? I bet it would crush his spirit and deliver a blow to your marriage.
And let’s go one step further.
What if you made the decision to respect your husband based solely on how easy he is to respect? Or do you hold a double standard with this viewpoint?
Choosing to respect and support our husbands is a choice and an act of our will no matter how strong of a personality we have.
Sure, I can take the path of being highly critical, disrespectful, and unsupportive of my man, but ultimately, I’ll lose the ability to influence his heart. My man will pull away from me and go sit on the corner of a rooftop (or a basement, a garage, or a man cave, etc.)
Better to live on a corner of the roof than share a house with a quarrelsome wife. Prov. 21:9
God does not ask Christian wives to go stuff their personalities in a closet. This is an absurd way of thinking and if this is your viewpoint, then you’ve been deceived by Satan.
There is nothing wrong with our personalities. What is wrong is when we justify our sin behavior saying this is how we’re made. Making an excuse for my sin by playing the card, “Oh, well, it’s my ‘strong personality mantra’ will get you and me nowhere in the land of being influential toward our husbands.
My husband loving me is not a condition of his personality nor is respecting him a condition of my personality. The issue is not a personality issue, it’s a sin issue.
A favorite person of mine in the Bible is the Apostle Paul. That man had an intense personality if you asked me. Before he had a personal relationship with Jesus Christ, he was off killing Christians. And then when he gave his heart to the Lord he used his same personality, the dogged determination, and grit that was in him, to go preach the Good News no matter what he endured. Paul’s personality never changed, but what did change was his will when he surrendered it to the Lord.
When God made your personality He had a tremendous plan for your life.
He knew when He formed you that you would make a phenomenal impact on this world and in your marriage.
He knew you could pull up your bootstraps at any given moment by your sheer determination.
He fashioned you as a strong-minded and strong-hearted woman who could conquer the trials and obstacles that life throws her way.
You are a woman of strength. Embrace your personality and drive a tent peg through your sin-filled nature, friend!
Not sure of what influencing your husband looks like? Or have you lost respect for him? I’ve created a message just for you on this topic. Click here for more information.
Live a poured out life for Christ,
I completely understand where you are coming from. It has been a hard thing for me to allow my husband to be the ultimate decision maker in our marriage. I am used to making my own decisions and be very independent. I’ve had to learn to be the wife God wants me to be. I’m with you, I think it shows more strength to be respectful and submissive than it does for me to go out and drive the tent pegs.
You’re not alone! I’m sure all wives struggle with their man being the final decision maker! 🙂 Glad to hear that no matter how you feel, you’re desiring to be the wife God wants to be!
Can I say thank you for this? No really, a hearty and sincere thank you. I am wrestling with my faith right now, and this is really one of the most pressing reasons. I don’t fit in with church ladies. I probably won’t ever and that stings a little. But I love and sincerely respect the amazing man I married. And I try my best not wield the sword. But I feel like an outcast in so many ways when it feels like this constant pressure to become someone I am not. Great article.
Aww, sweet friend, be you! You’re called to be set apart but you’re also part of the body of Christ. Don’t worry about fitting it. Just seek Christ and please Him first and foremost. Give it some time and I think you’ll start to see things a bit differently.
Jolene, this post has been so convicting to me. Everything, every single line hit home. Thank you so much for your ministry and your help.
Blessed to hear this has ministered to you, Tali. To God be the glory!!
Thank you so so so much for this! I have been struggling with balancing my personality and knowing the difference. I don’t fit in with the ladies at my church cause I have to many standards on myself at times. Then somedays i feel like i have found a balance. Other days i feel like I did not follow my convictions with these ladies. I honestly am tired of being a double minded wave tossing around. This really just helped me to understand that it is okay to be me and to keep walking.in this journey toward God. I know he will help.me have one mind with him.
Yes, Jenny knowing the difference between our personality and our sin is what’s needed! You and I fit in with Jesus and that’s all that truly matters! He accepts you for who you are and He absolutely adores you!
What a fantastic article! I have a strong personality, but I aim to be submissive and respectful of my husband. You have done a great job outlining how I can do both. I’ve felt this way, but have not had the words to say it. I’m sharing this!!!
So glad to hear this helped you, Jessica and thanks for sharing it!
there is one more thing in specific that would be on this list that I struggle with deeply; submission. granted, all women must struggle with this in general. however, it is a constant rock in my shoe. a thorn in my side. to choose to not control and overpower my husband in all aspects of our marriage and in raising our child. last night, I (surprisingly) bit my tongue very literally for the first time and it hurts just as bad as I hear it would have. it’s hard to not feel like I’m not the same person anymore when im always feeling like im not making my own decisions all the time. I feel lost. alone. and not who I was when I first met my husband. I do feel like ive grown in Christ, yes. but at the expense of feeling like im letting my husband control my life. dont get me wrong, my husband is a great man, i just have major controlling issues with a mouth to go with it. thank you for your article. we go to a very small church that was a church plant a few years ago and im the youngest by many years and has the biggest mouth by far. man, do I wish you lived near me!
Hi Cat, oh, the ‘s’ word! Look at it as supporting him and perhaps this perspective will help you? And consider sharing with him what you shared with me about feeling controlled and having decisions made for you. You’re his wife, not his child. The two of you should make decisions together as one flesh.
Growing in Christ should make you and I a better version of us and that is the change that we should embrace.
Hi Jolene, I enjoyed reading this article soooo much! My personality is definitely that of Jael & driving tent pegs but my husband is totally different. I love how you distinguished the strong personality from the sin nature and this will help me as I examine myself. I learn so much from you all the time, thanks for allowing the LORD to use you.
Aww, thanks for sharing your story with us, Rita. And also for taking the time to bless me with your encouraging words!
Hi Jolene! This article was very inspiring, heart warming and made me smile 🙂 I do not attend a church where I can fellowship with other women, so reading your post is the closest I get to that kind of interaction. However, I fellowship with the Lord daily and I’m certain that God is smiling down upon you for reaching out to all of us strong-willed women and for your ability to use your ministry to connect us with His Word. Thank you for your bravery to post His will to the public, and God bless you!
Thank you so much for sharing! I really needed to hear this. God bless you sister. / Emma
Wow, this answered all the questions I asked God. I’m a woman of strong character … But the “strong” that was molded out of my struggles growing up which caused me to always having to defend myself. I always pray for God to reset me and undo all the traits that my sins have planted in my personality so that I can be able to be an amazing wife to my amazing but also strong charactered husband (getting married in 5 months). With what I’ve learned with you is that I don’t have to unlearn, I just have to know when, where and how to apply what’s already in my personality and that there’s nothing wrong with me. I’m not defective after all!! Thank you for your straight forward teaching
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