Before I even stepped foot on that plane I knew I was already done. Done trying to make sure I was prepared to meet with publishers. Done with writing out my speaking message. Done wrestling with God since He was the one who summoned me to the conference.
Here I am Lord, send me…..oh, but don’t send me there, was my heart attitude.
By the time I left the airport of Los Angeles, California and landed in Charlotte, North Carolina I had been awake for 33 hours straight. Sleep deprived wasn’t how I planned to start my conference weekend, yet the circumstances surrounding this situation was what the Lord allowed. At the time I didn’t fully understand why it was best for me to head into a ministry conference so unrested but as the days and nights went on, I could see part of the Lord’s plan in all of this start to unfold.
When you’re exhausted, you don’t really care what anyone else thinks of you. You could care less how the publishers view you when you pitch your book idea to them. Or how your speaking group will evaluate you. Or if those around you will accept you or not. No, not one of those things really mattered when you’re just trying to stay awake and continue the course at hand.
In fact, it became quite freeing to know that I already did my part. I showed up and did what God had asked me to do which was to attend and prepare to meet with publishers. And the beauty of my sleep deprived weekend allowed me to leave whatever outcome in God’s quite capable hands. Hmm, I thinkin’ maybe I should be exhausted more often so I don’t get in God’s way of what He’s wanting to do in my life. 🙂
Exhaustion peels away a lot of anxiety and doubt that swirls through one’s mind. In fact, exhaustion left me at my weakest. I was mentally, emotionally and physically spent.
But what I found so interesting through of all this is that I was quite strong spiritually. (It helped that each day we started off with worship and devotions.)
My role in ministry is simply to do my part. To show up and answer God’s call.
In the simplest of terms- it’s to be obedient.
God’s role in ministry is to move in the hearts of the people.
And God did move. And I was emotionally overwhelmed because of it!
I felt so encouraged, accepted and loved while I was at the conference especially since I often don’t feel like I fit into the writer’s world.
Here I am with my sweet, online friend, Bonny who blogs over at Pearl’s Oysterbed. The Lord connected the two of us a over a year ago through blogging and this sweet angel ministered to me greatly over the weekend. I’m so blessed that she was by my side helping me out!
I’ve said before that it’s not my dream to become a writer/author. I minister here on-line out of obedience to my King regardless of my issues and insecurities.
What makes my heart beat fast is to be used by Him to encourage and equip His daughters to draw closer to Him. And then throughout the conference I’d start to cry at the drop of a hat because I began to see part of His plan for my life start to unfold. Oh to be used by the Great I Am! My heart became so overwhelmed (still is) to realize that God could use someone like me for such a high purpose. A purpose to lift His name on high to all who are willing to listen. I feel so unworthy to carry out this task.
He says, go.
And then I looked out over the ballroom to a sea of over 700 women who are very much like myself.
- They love the Lord.
- God has given them a purpose.
- And they too are filled with insecurities.
He says, go.
Where is God calling you today, friend?
Are you willing to step out in faith when He tells you to go?