When a Husband Makes Poor Choices
A reader’s question…
Dear Jolene,
About a year ago, without my knowledge my husband left his job to go at it alone. Things have not gone accordingly, instead we have lost everything, our home, car, property and are staying at my parents house. He is not doing well, he has reverted back to his behaviour before he met Christ. He disappears for days without saying where he is or where he is going, he drinks himself to a stoop and just sleeps the whole day. I’m left to take care of our 20 month old son.
I can’t seem to do anything right. When I approached our pastor to ask for help, I was told that I must not speak to anyone about our issues and I don’t understand what it means to be married and the meaning of family. And speaking to his family members is a no, no because it’s said that I’m gossiping about him.
Our relationship is very strained, sadly there is no affection, intimacy or communication between us. Basically there is no marriage relation just managing of expectation.
I read your blog every week and I really want to do the right things like be more supportive, but it is very difficult.
Is there a way I can help him get out of this rut, so he can get back on his feet?~a helpless mum
Dear Helpless Mum,
First of all, I am so sorry for what you are going through!
Second, I’m thoroughly disappointed in the counsel that you received by your Pastor! It’s one thing to admonish and rebuke a wife for speaking disrespectfully about her husband, but it’s another thing when a wife is seeking counsel (from a Pastor!) on how to handle a difficult marital situation. And the situation you’re in is a DIFFICULT one!
Generally I encourage wives to be very gracious and patient with their husbands when their man has gone through a tumultuous time of his life, and I believe in this case, that you have. However, I also believe you need to start to establish boundaries because of the poor choices that your husband is making. If your man wasn’t getting drunk day in and day out, and sleeping it off throughout the day when he should be working, and if he wasn’t leaving for days on end and not telling you where he was going, and if he hasn’t turned back to his old ways before he came to Christ, then I would encourage any wife to continue to build up and encourage her broken husband.
But this is not your situation. No, your situation requires that someone hold your man accountable. Seeing how you’ve gone to your Pastor about this concern, you already know that he won’t intervene on your behalf. And because your husband’s family wants to turn a blind eye towards your husband’s habitual, unrepentant sin, that’s not a possibility either.
If he’s got a friend in the Lord, I’d go to him first and ask him if he’d reach out to your husband.
It is better to hear the rebuke of the wise than for a man to hear the song of fools. Eccl. 7:5
If he doesn’t have any Godly friends that you can go to, then I’d establish boundaries within your marriage, family, and home.
Since alcohol is involved, your man is not of sound mind, so rationalizing, bargaining, and pleading with him probably won’t do you any good. And it sounds like he doesn’t really care too much about you and his child, but rather, just himself at this time.
I realize he is hurting, however, he’s not seeking help in order to get back up on his feet.
What I would recommend for you is…
- To forgive him. Forgive him for leaving his job and starting his own business without telling you.
- Forgive him for all that has transpired in your family as a result of his business decision.
- Tell him you forgive him for these things.
- Tell him you want to start over in your marriage because your marriage and family life is more important than material possessions. Let him know you can always get more things, but you want your man back.
- Ask him to get help for his drinking. If he does not respond or acknowledges you on this or he tells you to mind your own business, then let him know you’ll need to establish boundaries to protect you and your child.
- The boundaries that I would establish is that he’ll have to leave your parent’s home until he’s willing to get some help. Now, keep in mind that I am NOT ADVOCATING DIVORCE, rather, I’m encouraging you to setup some boundaries in the hopes that your husband will walk away from his habitual, unrepentant sin. Make sure when you speak these words to him that you do so in a kind, loving, and gracious way, rather than in a condemning way.
- Continue to pray for him to change his ways and be ready to accept him back just like when the Prodigal Son returned home from his prodigal ways of living. Luke 15:13
“If a man will not work, he shall not eat.” 2 Thes. 3:10
“If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him.” Luke 17:3
“If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two others along, so that ‘every matter may be established by the testimony of two or three witnesses.’ If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector. Matthew 18:15-17
Now words of encouragement for you, my dear sister in Christ, as you go through this heartbreaking time…
“He heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.” Psalm 147:3
“Be strong and of good courage, do not fear nor be afraid of them; for the LORD your God, He is the One who goes with you. He will not leave you nor forsake you.” Deut. 3:16
“And we know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose.” Romans 8:28
If another reader would like to chime in and offer up some encouragement or a prayer for our dear sister, please do so!
Live a poured out life for Christ,
In my opinion, excellent response to this poor sister! Cannot encourage enough about prayer for the husband!! We don’t have the power to change anything on our own. Through the gift of the Holy Spirit, however, we can move mountains! Pray on! I, too, will be in prayer for you.
Amen, Angela!
I have no advice, but I will lift your husband, your marriage and your family situation up in prayer!!! Trust in the Lord and He will sustain you!
Thank you, Brandi.
Pray for him and when you feel you cant push yourself. I so know exactly what you are going through and like Jolene said always speak to him out of love and not harshly because if you don’t he will tune out. Ill be praying for you and your husband both as you both really need it in this time. Great words of wisdom jolene 🙂 I love reading your blog.
Amen! And thank you, Regina. 🙂
You are welcome.
Perfect response Jolene. We will be praying for her.
Thanks Tammi.
Just a different perspective here.. I took it to mean that her HUSBAND didn’t want her talking to anyone (pastor, family, etc.) or seeking counsel. I have been/am in a similar situation and my husband says that our personal life needs to stay private; nobody needs to know about our issues; we don’t need a third party perspective, we can handle things by ourselves; and it’s disrespectful to talk about him since it makes him look bad. (Even when my motives are completely pure, and I am trying to seek help and not just gossip.)
Thank you for all the wonderful advice Jolene! I know this woman has to set these bondries since she is in potential danger due her husbands alcohol abuse and unsound mind. I went through this when my husband was addicted to crack cocaine. (He’s clean now.)
But what do I do when I am NOT in any form of danger, but my husband is still an unrepentant habitual sinner who claims to be a Christian (though I’m not completely sure he truly is)? And he does not attend church with me (and has no Christian friends), so I don’t know how church discipline would work here.
I guess my best option is still just to pray for him and continue going to church without him..
Nellie that is all you can do. God has a way of talking to his heart and changing him when no one else can. My husband and I had seperated for 2 months and in those 2 months he was 10hrs away and would not speak to me but I prayed everyday through out the day for him and all of a sudden out of the blue things changed and he came home, got in church, and things have been great ever since. Never give up because God can change him.
Hi Nellie,
If a wife is not in any danger and the husband is wanting to stay in the marriage then your avenue to restoration is prayer and having a loving, sweet, and embracing attitude towards your husband. Because Helpless Mum’s husband proclaims to be a Believer, it is Biblical for her to lovingly confront him and then take the path of getting help from other Brothers in Christ if his heart is hardened towards the admonishment. I wrote a post about the Unrepentant Husband (who claims to be a Believer). Maybe what I’ve shared in it will help your situation. https://joleneengle.com/2012/08/20/help-im-married-to-an-unrepentant-husband-a-marital-oneness-monday-link-up/
Praise the Lord for your Ministry Jolene. I’m praying for this sweet woman.
Thank you KM.
There are some excellent groups for problems with drinkers on Yahoo groups my husband is a recovering alcoholic who makes poor choices and I have learned so much from the experiences of others.Al anon only helps you with you but these other groups explain the thinking and why he thinks like he does.alcoholics friend is an excellent resource.Hope for today follows al anon.There is also a Richard Skeritt that has written much on the topic.God bless! I wish you the best.
Thank you for sharing all of this, Sandra!
Great advice Jolene. I’ll be praying for “Helpless Mum” *hugs*
Thank you Lacey.
I’ve been in a difficult marriage for 22 yrs now, and the best advice [and the easiest to remember] that any one ever gave me was to ‘just love him’. And that is love in the biblical sense, 1 Cor 13 style. And by God’s grace this continues to help me throughout anything that comes my way. If we trust our Lord and love our husbands then He will be faithful to help us through all our difficult times, and guide our every step, wherever that may be.
I thank God for you Jolene, I have also been blessed by your ministry…
Hi Kylie,
Great encouragement about the 1 Cor. 13 love! Thanks for sharing your painful situation with this community!
I can only share my own experience. After the passing of my mother-in-law, two years ago now, my husband began to walk away from the Lord. He began to use alcohol to numb his pain and his behavior changed dramatically. He got physical with me at one point and was even taken to jail.. The state was brought in to intervene. I have gone through the gamut of human emotion. I have two children, a daughter 18 from a previous marriage and our son 5, who has autism. My pastor was a real blessing to us and continues to encourage. I pray ceaselessly for his eyes to be opened. My daughter has gone to live with her father and it is painful to be separated from her. My suggestion is only what has worked for me…Trust your husband’s intentions. I am sure that his actions these days are not what he would intend them to be. Love and respect him as we are commanded… encourage him by telling him that you are there for him. However, even our pastor suggested a healthy separation at one point. Things are slowly improving now. I am believing for healing of the deeper wounds that he bandages with the alcohol. God’s timing is perfect and I will praise him in the storm. God bless you and please add me to the list of prayer warriors standing in the gap for your family…
Hi Doreen,
Thank you for sharing your situation as well as your encouragement and prayers for our dear sister! Praying for you and your husband, as well!
If I heard of that happening in our church (the pastor’s response I mean), it would quickly be before the board and he’d be rebuked, if he wasn’t willing to listen, he’d be replaced. If the board didn’t listen, I’d find a new church. That’s just unacceptable.
It’s a shame when people who are hurting turn to the church and are slapped down. We have such a large population in the world who have been burned, broken and bypassed by the church.
I think that’s great advice. Any husband not willing to listen when his wife is hurting needs a rude wake-up call. I like how you don’t advocated divorce, but do encourage boundaries. I’ve shared the same opinion.
Hi Jay,
Yep, I agree about the Pastor thing (as does my husband!) Being that you’re a man, it’s nice that you’ve shared your perspective and commented here. Sometimes a wife feels like she should never seek help because her husband is saying it’s disrespectful towards him to do so. Well, here’s a newsflesh….his habitual and unrepentant sin is disrespectful towards God, his family, his wife and the Body of Christ. Many husbands want to stay in their sin and feel it’s okay to bring their wife down with them and they abuse their headship by crying ‘disrespect’ on the wife’s part. It’s funny how they hold their wife to a higher standard of Godliness then what they’re willing to hold themselves to.