Most of the information that is written here has come from my Beloved. Seeing how he is a man, and a married one at that, I felt it was best to share his words with you in hopes that it will give you insight into your man.
3 Types of Husbands
A ruler is on his throne, rather than placing Christ in that position. A Ruler Husband is mainly out for his own pleasure. He acts selfishly and requires all to live up to his standard. He is mainly interested in obedience and respect for his wishes. In his mind, the good wife does not question or challenge him as it would show an attitude of disrespect. Many times he acts like a boss with his wife as his assistant or he treats her as if she’s a child who needs to be parented and guided in life.
The Ruler lives by the perverted Golden Rule: “He that makes the gold…RULES.” I heard that from a past client and he is now divorced.
My pastor gave an example of some sheep he observed one day in Israel…
Aware that sheep know the shepherd’s voice and that they follow the shepherd, what my pastor saw, perplexed him. He witnessed that the sheep were being herded like cattle rather than being led. When he inquired about the shepherd and his method, he was instructed that it was not the Shepherd…IT WAS THE BUTCHER! (This is the Ruler Husband!) He may have a wife who is seemingly going in the same direction as him, but in reality she is not being led…she is being herded by domination or obligation. Either way it turns out bad.
A Passive husband is pretty self explanatory. He is a husband and a father who is passive, constantly bowing to the desires and leadership of others mainly for ease, or to keep peace with contentious people. He resists the responsibility to lead his wife and discipline the children.
The Passive husband lives by the mantra: “A Happy Wife Means a Happy Life”. For example, he would rather try to persuade or pay the children to do their chores rather than direct them to do so. Or, he will make deals with his wife: “If you let me do this, then I will do that for you”. He will try to reason with them to get things done. He does not want to upset the apple cart.
Jesus was the ultimate shepherd. He had a shepherd’s heart that was most concerned with the relationship with those he led. He never demanded respect or compliance, but demonstrated his leadership by becoming a servant and being an example that his followers wanted to be like. He has instructed husbands to love their wives as Christ loved the Church and gave himself up for her.
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. Ephesians 5:25
Jesus stepped down from his throne to die for us. This is the Creator who spoke the world into existence. He scratched in the dirt with us to save us. He is the King of Kings who came to lead us. He was not just some great man or teacher.
What does it really mean to love the wife as Christ loved the church? Husbands cannot do it by themselves, they need the Holy Spirit to guide them and penetrate their hearts. (Just like we, as wives, need the Holy Spirit to guide us and penetrate our hearts so we can be our husband’s helper/helpmate according to the scriptures.)
The Shepherd-Leader will set up boundaries to protect his wife and family from attacks from enemies, foreign and domestic; extended family and the world. He will take the lead to discipline the children and dwell with his wife with understanding.
Husbands, likewise, dwell with them with understanding, giving honor to the wife, as to the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life, that your prayers may not be hindered. 1 Peter 3:7
The Shepherd-Leader leads from the front, not from the palace, like David did. (If you don’t remember this Bible story, it was when David didn’t leave the palace to go to war with his men. Instead he stayed at home and it was during this time he had his affair with Bathsheba. 2 Samuel 11)
Of course if you are following Christ, I am sure your desire is to have your husband as the Shepherd-Leader laid out in the scriptures. But just like us as wives, we all fall short and that includes our husbands, as well. Some husbands don’t know how to lead like Christ, some may take a back seat to leading you and your children, and some may swing in the complete opposite direction; one of domination and control. And of course, our men can touch on all 3 types from time to time, or they have experienced each type through the various stages of marriage.
Now, before you go and print out this list for your husband to read….I caution you not to do so! You need to pray first and ask for the Lord’s leading.
Some husbands may be open to growing in the things of the Lord and you can share this with them because you have a God-fearing and God-honoring friendship with your man AND he safely trusts in you.
As iron sharpens iron, so a man sharpens the countenance of his friend. Proverbs 27:17
But some husbands are not open to hearing this from their wives. God has made men to have very fragile egos and no man wants to hear they’re not measuring up to God’s standards. That’s where God’s grace comes in.
I implore you to extend that same grace you received from Christ in your role as a wife and extend that to your husband. Allow the Lord to lead you regarding whether or not to share this post with him. If the Holy Spirit prompts you to do so, then I would encourage you to print out the post the, 3 Types of Wives so your husband can read both posts together, doing so in love. This will help the two of you to grow in your marriage together- this way he won’t feel like you are just critiquing and/or criticizing him. It’s hard for anyone to admit their weaknesses, but with a willing heart, change and growth can take place in your marriage.
Live a poured out life for Christ,
5 Days to a Better Marriage
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