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I’m Not Strong Enough

I am not spiritual enough.I am not compassionate enough.I am not gracious enough.I am not loving enough.I do not have enough faith.I have been hurt too much.

I am not strong enough to go where you are sending me Lord.

Just to write this post brings me to tears and yet the situation has passed.

Two trusted women who knew some of the details prayed for me before I moved into the mission field where the Lord was calling me for that day.

Would I be ignored?

Would I be glared at?

Would I be attacked?

Would I be received?

Would there be conflict?

Those were the questions circling my anxious heart as I prepared to go to my brother’s wedding.

My Beloved gave my boys instructions before we left.  “Boys, when you get married, it is your responsibility to protect your wife physically, emotionally and spiritually. Today we are going to protect Mommy.”

As we drove over, the radio was playing and the song, “Outcast” came on.

My youngest said, “Mommy’s song is playing.”

Isn’t that the truth I thought, and so timely at that!

I listened to the lyrics again and as usual they resonated with my soul.

Outcast by Kerrie Roberts

Outcast Lyrics:

Since I can remember, guess I’ve been a problem
Never had a filter, never been the popular one
To sugar coat what I know is undeniable
I just can’t hide it, I wear it like a “letter”
Everywhere I go, everyone is talking
I can feel them staring, they hope I’m just pretending
And giving up my power, caving into pressure
I’m not living for them, I live for something better

I’m not good enough, I’m not what they want
But let me tell you what, I know who I am
So just throw me out for not fitting in
I will stand my ground and be an outcast

So what if I’m an outcast
So what if I’m an outcast

So what if I don’t look the part I’m supposed to play
What if I don’t follow all the rules they make
They think I should be perfect
They love it when I mess up
No grace in case I blow it
“A good girl shouldn’t need it:

I’m not good enough, I’m not what they want
But let me tell you what, I know who I am
So just throw me out for not fitting in
I will stand my ground and be an outcast

So what if I’m an outcast
So what if I’m an outcast
So slow when everybody’s so fast
So what if I’m an outcast

I try to play nice, I don’t want to fight
But I won’t be gray when it’s all black and white   (my emphasis)
‘Cause what I believe is what makes me strong
If I don’t belong I hold on to love

So what if I’m an outcast
So what if I’m an outcast
So slow when everybody’s so fast
No matter what it costs, I’ll be an outcast

I’m not good enough, I’m not what they want
But let me tell you what, I know who I am
So just throw me out for not fitting in
I will stand my ground and be an outcast

With my Beloved holding my right hand and my Savior holding my left, we walked into the room.

“But I say to you, love your enemies, bless those who curse you, do good to those who hate you, and pray for those who spitefully use you and persecute you.  Matthew 5:44

That’s a hard verse to swallow especially after many years of attacks and heartache from those you have grown up with.
The evening was passing without any issues.  I was getting ready to leave, but then I saw a family member I was once close to, but also recently persecuted by.  My heart was sad for all that he has been through, yet more sad that he rejects my Savior and as a result, he lives in darkness.
Thoughts ran through my head:
I have been through a lot and it is hard.
I hurt and it is hard.
But I have MY SAVIOR and I am not lost.
It was in that moment that I forgot about the insults and venom that he once spewed on me and my heart became filled with compassion towards him.
With my Beloved right next to me we walked over to him to say, ‘hello’ and ‘good-bye’ all at the same time.  I gave him a hug and said it was good to see him.
Was it easy?
No.
Was it right?
Yes, because the Lord was prompting me to do it.
Could I do it in my own strength?
ABSOLUTELY NOT!
Two hearts fell in love and got married that day.
While two separate, hurting hearts were touched by the Father’s hand.
Pray without ceasing, in everything give thanks; for this is the will of God in Christ Jesus for you. Do not quench the Spirit.  1 Thessalonians 5:17-19
No, I am not strong enough and I’ll never be, but He is and He’ll always be.
The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusted in him, and I am helped: therefore my heart greatly rejoices; and with my song will I praise him.  Psalm 28:7

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3 Comments

  3. A hug (((Jolene))) from someone who knows the pain of rejection and broken commitments and hurt inflicted by family. You are loved and I am grateful that you are able to minister to me and so many others through your written word. Love you sister.

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