7 Things Every Christian Wife Needs to Know about Sex
One of the best things my husband said to me as a new bride regarding our sexual intimacy was this:
“We’ve got the rest of our lives to figure each other out.”
And boy, am I thankful he said those words because over the years of our marriage, I’ve had issue after issue in the marriage bed! But I don’t believe I’m the only wife who feels this way. In fact, I know I’m not based on the emails I receive from wives. (Sending another Christian woman an email about the struggles a wife is facing in her marriage bed is not nearly as terrifying as sharing your personal struggles and pain with someone face to face in your church!)
Whether you’ve been married 3 months or 30 years, I think every Christian wife can benefit by what I’m going to share today.
7 Things Every Christian Wife Needs to Know about Sex
1. Sexual intimacy can be a complicated thing.
- It might be painful.
- You might not have any sexual drive whatsoever.
- Sometimes your mind is consumed with countless things and the thought of having sex is the last thing on your mind.
- Sometimes you can’t get over the shame of your past.
- And sometimes you don’t want another person touching you. (If you’re a mama of littles, then you know what I’m talking about!)
2.Sex won’t meet your expectations.
I’m not sure why this is.
- Is it because of comparisons?
- Maybe due to a past lover?
- Or a time in your marriage when sex was blissful and easy?
- Or what’s been depicted on the screen by Hollywood about sex?
- Reading romance novels or erotica?
- Or because Satan is speaking lies into our hearts and minds?
When this happens, you find yourself saying,
“I don’t really care for sex.” Or, “Sex is not a big deal to me.”
Sex then gets treated more like a chore or duty rather than something designed to bring a deeper love between you and your husband.
3.Sex will change over the years.
Your husband’s sex drive might be higher than yours right now. And perhaps later in life, your drive might be higher than his. Or, physically speaking, your body has changed since you birthed babies. You and your husband now have to learn how to be more sexually creative so you can bring pleasure to one another due to your changing body. And let’s not forget a woman’s hormones!
4.There will be times in your marriage where you’ll be too exhausted to have sex.
Over the years I needed to learn to make an effort to prioritize sexual intimacy with my husband, otherwise it would become an after thought in my life.
5.Emotionally, you’re empty, hurt, or nursing a grudge and you don’t want to have sex.
If you’re tempted to take this path (or you’re on it right now) just know it will not bring the two of you closer together, it will only widen the gap between your hearts.
Seek the Lord on this issue. Give Him access to those raw places in your heart.
6.The sexual intimacy between you and your husband will be under attack by Satan himself.
This was not a concept I thought about as a young bride. (All that ran through my mind was that I couldn’t wait to get married so I could have sex with my husband!)
Spiritual warfare in my marriage bed? What exactly is that?
Now I say, “Well, duh, why not!”
Of course, Satan would go after the marriage bed because God created the marriage bed! If the enemy of marriage can thwart physical intimacy between a husband and wife, then he just created a rift in the marriage. The crack has been started and he’ll continue to widen it by petty disagreements, misunderstands, hurt feelings, and unmet needs- both emotional and physical. His goal is to tear down Christ-centered marriages because these marriages honor God.
“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. John 10:10
7. You’re not alone.
Countless wives struggle with sexual intimacy. So, please know that you’re normal! From time to time, I struggle with it and I get emails All. The. Time. from wives (and husbands) about this issue. Speak up. Share your struggles. Don’t remain silent and isolated about this concern in your marriage, after all, sex is for married couples. Seek help. Minister to one another.
Now go back and look at the above list.
Ask yourself why is it that I’m struggling with sex? Or, why is it that I don’t enjoy sex?
What measures can you take to remedy this problem?
Do you need to shift your perspective? After all, God created sex and therefore, it is a good thing. Why do you think it’s not a good thing in your marriage? Is it due to an emotional issue, physical issue, mental issue, or a spiritual one?
Do you need to see a doctor if there is physical pain (or you have no sex drive)?
Do you need to have a heart to heart conversation with your husband?
Have you laid your marriage and your marital intimacy at the feet of Jesus for Him to heal your heart?
Maybe you need to revamp your schedule and prioritize sex with your husband?
Just know, I’ve had to do all of the above throughout the many years of my marriage. And I continue to do so because Satan is looking to destroy my marriage (and yours).
Be mindful of this: If you’re tempted to ignore the issues and wish them away, then you’ll miss out on the deeper emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacy that you’re longing to have with your husband. It is only through the act of marriage that you can obtain this.
Be diligent to put the spark back into your marriage.
Live a poured out life for Christ,
Christ in each other’s eyes and peace in the moment is the ultimate satisfaction
I agree, thank you for sharing.
Thank you for this, although I’m not married yet and have never been married before, I don’t have illusions about it….more like fears than illusions especially since I’m almost in my sixties. Why God waited this long for me to desire marriage I can’t say but this helped me have greater understanding and wisdom about what’s real and what’s possible. Keep up the great work.
We are in His service and follow His heart,
For Christ we serve
Thanks for sharing with us, Renee. No need to fear the gift of marriage, though. God has a plan for all of our lives, including the marriage bed! He knows what we need in order to become more like Him.
Sex is one of the greatest things! If you have a good relationship, it will follow over into the bedroom. Communication!!! Most of the stuff on here is possible, most definitely….. but honestly, I laughed at most of them. Most sounded whining which has probably resulted from a bad relationship. Be open and honest with each other and you’ll figure it out.
Thank you for your article on Marriage, Intimacy, Marriage Bed. As an older woman, yes a Christian. in my mid 50’s, body changes, health changes, surgeries, re married, past relationships-when I was not a Christian. Is also a huge interference regarding this topic. Just noting, that’s all. blessings
Thanks for sharing with us, Marcy! With Christ, we are more than conquerors in all things.
Amen, to that. My husband struggles with MS & now recovering from extensive back surgery, I have watched his faith struggle, not reading the Bible, not going to Church, not as kind with words as in past. Almost like living with a non believer. very hard. We are now married 10 years. I have by the grace of God, over come a very nasty divorce of 23 years before this, then 5 months after divorce finalized, my ex husband then died. Not easy, especially with children in a blended family. By the grace of our Lord over coming many hurts, arguments, disappointments, expectations of any unmet, you name it. Starting to see Gods hand move in our beautiful blended family. You need Gods strength, not yours, only but His Great Faithfulness, time on your knee’s in prayer a lot, obedience in Scripture & praying & trusting the Lord, is the only answer in such & any relationship, Christ first.
Jolene, Love your stuff !!!!
Wife and I both subscribe and I love when your husband gives a man’s POV
Wondering if you could speak to wives about defending their husbands from her family. And setting boundaries and what would be appropriate?
Thanks for your encouraging words! Yes, Eric and I can share our thoughts on the topic. We’ve lived it so we are well acquainted with the road. Maybe we’ll share our response via video as our podcast on itunes isn’t working. Give us a few weeks to figure out how we’re going to deliver the content. (We might start up a new podcast.)
Im not sure if i am the problem, in the sex part, cause i enjoy having sex or making love with my husband, but my husband has not shown much towards me the last two months.. i have tryed talking with him, but he only shuts down, not really responsive at all.. i long to hear his loving words or encouragement, i try not to shut down, im always open to him , i don’t ever tell him no… but i have needs as well… i try let him know in love, we started out awesome.. so, need help..
I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. I’d seek out biblical counsel from your church so you can have someone walk with you (in real life) regarding your situation.
He may have had a drop in testosterone which messes up performance and desire. Maybe he’s scared of disappointing you and you feeling he is less than a man. It also brings on depression. Have him see a Dr. For testosterone check.
Wow, thank you for this information!
As a woman who’s only been married for 9 days, I am really in desperate need for answers as to why sex is so painful and if it is normal (both virgins on our wedding night) … Still haven’t been able to engage in intercourse at all after several attempts but this article has encouraged me to pray and be more open to my husband and to let go of fears and expectations and take it slowly. My husband reminds me constantly that he ‘has all the time in the world for us’ which gives me hope.
Again, thank you for your wise words.
Hi Sarah, I’m a newlywed too, married 11/7/15. I still have times when sex is painful. I’m also a nurse practitioner so I understand why from that viewpoint. I have to remind my husband to go slow and that it will take me longer to be ready for sex than it does him. I have found that my body became so use to not having sex while we were dating that when we got married my body no longer responded to his touch. When sexually aroused, a woman’s vaginal vault will begin to secret lubricant in preparation for penetration. I’ve learned that a nice make out session or massage will relax my body and arouse me. I would suggest maybe just starting with a good make out session or a massage from your husband and then listen to your body and the cues it gives that you are ready for him. While I’ve never used lubrication, I have often suggested one called Platinum Wet to my patients after learning about it during my OB Gyn rotation. The Dr I was with would suggest it to his patients (especially those women in menopause and post-menopause) as he and his wife used that one and found it to work the best.
Best wishes my sister in Christ and I promise it will get better soon.
Thanks for sharing all of this Scarlett!
Sorry to hear about your situation. Lubrication for the woman is key as well as relaxing your body and mind. Coconut oil is a natural product that shouldn’t cause any irritations (unless of course you’re allergic to it!) You can check out a video I did on painful sex. It’s in my sidebar on this site. I hope this helps!
Hi Scarlett. Yes, sex was painful for several months for me after marriage. I am very small down there. I suggest using lots of lube and make sure you are fully warmed up. Something that helps me is having an orgasm before we even try intercourse. Keep communicating with your husband and be open about sex, do not be shy or embarrassed to talk to him about something. That is how the Enemy works, getting into our heads to disrupt communication.
Oh Jolene. I have struggled in more than one of these areas. The morals of sex, married or not, I am though, have, been for twenty years. Fantasies of my husbands, and ive even become adapted to them, never physically really doing it, but I am spiritual and closer to God than he, so it REALLY bothers me. I mean, I really do NOT think that Christ honors our marriage bed when he, I or we together fantasize about another woman in our bed. At first, I was saved but not living a Christian life, he was not saved so we were and are unequally yoked. He used to be and still is sometimes emotionally abusive with words, he used to be physically and I hold a LOT of bitterness that I am trying to let go of to save my marriage. But, I want a pure marriage bed. We are both overweight and foreplay is the most common pleasure for both of us. He has several health issues now and I want to be the wife i should be for my husband. Help. Sorry to be so explicit. Also. Our meds mess with our performance. Ugh.
No worries about what you shared, Amy. Sex has been a real struggle for you (and a lot of other women, myself included.) Start by renewing your mind on the truth. Make a biblical choice today to not fantasize about other women in the marriage bed. Let your past be your past and don’t bring it into your present. God makes all things new. Make sure you’re repentant and surrendered to the Lord whether you’re husband is or isn’t. You’ve got to forgive him and move on. Let him know you’re not going to do the fantasizing about other women anymore but you’d be willing to fantasize with him about the two of you. Then move toward emotional healing as well as boundaries with his hurtful words. Lastly, attempt to work on your physical issues. If you can do this together, it would be a worthwhile pursuit for the two of you. Thanks for sharing here!
My husband and I have been married almost a year and we haven’t had sex at all, not even on our wedding night. We’ve only had two kinda conversations about intimacy in general, the second one prompted by our ecclesiastical leader when I admitted to him we hadn’t. Despite this second conversation where we discussed what we could try, nothing has happened. Of course it feels like it’s all on me since my husband brought it up after the aforementioned talk with our ecclesiastical leader and…well…for some reason I really struggle with bringing it up or attempting initiation. I know it’s normal to be scared and that Satan is working hard to discourage our progression, but I still say and do nothing and it’s both frustrating and depressing, especially knowing it needs to be said or done. Not that it helps any that we live with an in-law at the moment, so it feels like we have very little privacy and there’s way too much drama.
Sorry to hear about your situation. Well, I’d try less talking and more doing. 🙂 Put on something sexy and just initiate. What’s the worst that can happen? No sex? Rejection? If that’s the case, then something else is going on in the marriage. Take a risk!
I needed to read this and I know The Holy Spirit led me here. I was just recently married and my husband and I took an oath to nor have sex until our wedding day. I am an extremely confident woman but sexually I am inexperienced. We were married on Dec 19th we did not consumate our marriage until Jan 2, 2016. Partially because I became almost gravely ill. Sex started hurting when we tried, but once inside it was fine. Our last time was extremely painful that I went to the dr. I couldn’t sit or anything. I found out from the dr. I had contracted herpes from my husband. He showed no signs etc, however in his past life 7 years before we met he was very premiscious. He gave his life to Christ and we met thereafter. I could have easily divorced him and he said he wouldn’t blame me if I did. I told him we took vows for better or worse and I would stick by his side because God forgives who am I not to do the same. He is extremely supportive and understanding and I make sure the words I speak uplift him and not tear him down. I told him God didn’t have to allow it, it could be worse and therefore I won’t complain. I have days when I cry but I don’t dwell on it. I take the time and Thank God for loving me and taking care of me. As a result, he and I are much closer intimately and emotionally. He prays over me at night when I’m sleeping and makes me laugh everyday. A good hearty belly laugh. I hope my story encourages other wives to make the decision to let go and allow God to be Glorified and work on behalf of Him. Our lives are not our own we are just willing vessels to be used by Him. Lord I make myself available however you wish to use me.
Just wanted to say thank you for your story! I’m not married yet but it really encouraged and challenged me concerning Forgiveness. I pray God is magnified in our hearts & lives no mater what we encounter. You put practical wheels on Forgiving in a real-life situation. May God bless you & may your marriage flourish in Him. Thanks so much!
I am so glad women are speaking openly about this now. I remember speaking to my mom and Grandma about sex and they said, “in their day, people didn’t talk about sex.” After my marriage, I was having trouble reaching orgasm. A post like this online gave me the courage to speak to a married Christian friend, whose wisdom and experience was very helpful. Happy to report the issue was resolved. All because Christian bloggers and authors are determined to keep marriages holy and strong.
Thanks for your honest post! I think the hardest thing for me is there is so much pressure to meet a man’s needs and less focus on mutual love, consideration, caring, and affection. Women are taught to please men, cater to their needs. There is less focus on men dying to selfishness, being loving, compassionate, and being tender with his wife.
My mom died almost ten years ago and she was happy to die. She was tired of many things. 1 was sex three times a day. She had cancer. She was tired. She had already given birth to 7 children. Men are not taught love (like Jesus loves). I could not see Jesus ever forcing someone to do something because He had a need. So many some day someone will say to men, “It is not all about you. A woman’s job is not just to please you.” Love is supposed to be mutual. It is supposed to involve sacrifice.
So it is challenging for me to simply be seen as a sex object. I am just here to meet his needs even when I am sick or tired or hurting. I think that is wrong. It is selfishness which God calls sin. Men can use self control and love like Jesus. Yet even in Christian culture we have promoted selfishness in men. Lust says, “Please me.” Love says, “How can I serve you.”
Truly believe when husbands start dying to selfishness the sex will be better. Wives will want to have sex which was intended to cultivate intimacy (knowing) not just provide pleasure. The world veiws sex as just for pleasure. God created sex for love and intimacy.
This broke my heart……what a sad life. I am so sorry for your loss and for the years of pain your mother experienced. You are correct, Christ would never do that to a precious child of God. I pray you find peace and that men are raised to live like Jesus and stop seeing women as objects.
Thank you so much for this Jolene. It’s a little better or easier, well I should say, I’m glad to hear that I’m not the only onethat has gone through or is having these marital issues while in a Christian centered marriage. I am so grateful that there is help and hope and for this I wanted to say thank you.
I dislike sex personally, and I am only interested in making babies during sex but not for sheer pleasure of the night. I rather read the Bible before I sleep than to have sex prior to sleeping. Unlike God, sex doesn’t motivate me much as a person and I would like to think of it as a waste of time.
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