1. As a husband, I agree completely with your post. The one thing I would add is that just showing up is not enough. My wife says yes to sex, but then just lays there motionless and emotionless. I know that this is mostly because she works long days and is tired, but it makes me not want to ask for sex.

    1. Chris is so right. We want our wives to want us, but we NEED our wives to DESIRE us like we desire them. No man wants to just have sex with a lifeless woman.

  2. I’ve been married 28 yrs. and just wanted to say that I totally agree with your post. Thank you for your ministry. I tease my husband that we should start a small group at our church called Romancing your Spouse. I’m afraid that one called Improving Your Sex Life might put off some folks!

  3. I couldn’t agree more! I’ve always taken it as a compliment that my husband wants sex all the time because it means he loves me and still finds me attractive. If he wasn’t trying all the time then I think I would feel kind of bad about myself and think that I was doing something wrong.

    I also think it is important though, for husbands to realize when their wife is emotionally drained or had a really bad day and kind of just back off a bit and not hound her for sex. On those days women just need lots of hugs and maybe a foot rub 🙂

  4. YES. This is so good. And a reminder I needed to hear! It’s kind of a “DUH” thing… don’t I want to be attractive and desirable to my husband, after all? Isn’t it better for him to want me than another woman? Of course!!

    I’m going to try something this week… initiate every day for a whole week straight. And see what happens. 🙂

  5. I LOVE THIS POST AND HOW ITS OH SO TRUE! I ADORE how my husband is ALWAYS giving me attention, whether by making gestures, or something he says, or just his playfulness. It makes me feel desired so therefore I am always thinking of him and wanting to please him physically. It is a union with us and the Holy Spirit. God made sex between a married couple so beautiful. Thank you Jolene. I love your emails. Sometimes what you write steps on my toes, but I need to hear it, or read it 😉 and take it to heart. Love ya girlfriend, God bless you!

    1. I love this article and I try my very best to always be there when he needs me. I also know my husband would never ever cheat on me, but I try and try to initiate sex with my husband but we only have sex about once a month. So what happens when it’s the Other way around?

  6. This was a very good post, as always. I have a question…YES its a great thing to know your wanted and that your husband finds you a attractive but what if your husband hardly ever comes on to you? What if your husband never gives you a compliment? What if your husband never dates you? No dont get me wrong, as wife there are things I should be doing or at least attempting to do and believe me I DO. However its a bit draining when it is not being done by your husband. Now I will say that I have gained a lot of weight over the last few years and Im not as comfortable coming on to him, but its mainly because he just doesnt seem to attracted to me or into me period. This is really hard. Ladies PLEASE be appreciative of your man and how he treats you like the queens you are cause believe me there are plenty of women (like me) that dreams of her husband desiring her and treating her like a queen! Be blessed.

    1. I am going thru the same thing right now and have tried EVERYTHING to get him to notice me. He wants to cuddle and hold me and we have tried to spend more quality time together but as far as s*x goes, it is only about once a week and I think it is just to shut me up. Everything had been awesome until a few months ago and all of a sudden, it’s just not there… I know he is under alot of pressure at work and we struggle financially but You would think that he would enjoy an “out let”. I love and appreciate him and show him every chance I get.

    2. I too am. That same boat. 12 years of marriage, three kids, and countless things that could have broken us, haven’t. Yet we are intimate only 5-10 times A YEAR! He rarely hugs me or kisses me, doesn’t hold me at night. Doesn’t snuggle any other time. When I approach him he rejects me EVERY SINGLE TIME. My husband is home when he isn’t at work so I have no concerns of infidelity. I just wish I knew the problem. I gave up sexiness for food when the rejection became too much to bear and have gained well over 100 pounds, making any chance of sex gone.

  7. I am just thankful that my husband loves me and finds ways to show me other than the physical. Sex is great and being desired is great but for me just knowing I’m loved is the greatest.

  8. I know for us sometimes its hard. My hubby is military (and like so many people who do manual labor) he comes in some days just worn out. I have seen him fall asleep while chewing his dinner on more than one occasion. And because of my health issues and the fact I am mentally exhausted after a day of raising two children under the age of 5, being physical just doesn’t happen. I asked him one time about his feelings on lack of sex (we were going through a dry spell because I was pregnant and sick from that). He said “Mentally I always want to make love. Its just that things aren’t happening physically.” Because of two very difficult pregnancies and 4 overseas deployments we found other ways to be intimate. Intimacy isn’t always about sex, its about opening your heart.

    I mentioned in another post some very old fashioned ideas I was raised with when it comes to sex. Things that I have had to battle & still deal with. I can understand how some people are so dissatisfied in their sex life that Satan is able to come in and wreak havoc on a marriage.

  9. Amen, sister friend! I loved this post. I never thought about renewing my mind before the act of sexual intimacy. I’ve always thought about planning ahead and preparing my mind, and the need to protect my marriage with sexual intimacy, but not about renewing my mind. That’s so true. I renew my mind regularly in my relationship with God to be prepared to stand against the Devil and deepen my intimacy with God. Marriage is sacred and holy and sex is God-honoring and husband-honoring. Renewing my mind makes so much sense. How much junk there is out there these days that try to pervert our thoughts, manipulate our emotions, and undermine our marriages! Renewing my mind regarding sexual intimacy is something I’m definitely going to start doing.

  10. Excellent post! Being desired by your husband is a great thing. It’s only right to look forward to it; take this form of intimacy as him wanting to reconnect and bond after a long hard day. 🙂

  11. Awesome post, Jolene! I once had a friend text me and say (I had to go back and pull up the text because it’s 6 months old, “Fawn,, my heart is grieving as I see the spiritual battle for souls raging. How do we show the world the truth…in a way they get it?” My response surprised her, “By example. People are drawn to people who are successful in their personal lives. Those who are content and love life. Then they want to know how they can achieve the love, peace and contentment you have and the answer is simple: Christ. Remember…most people are followers. We just have to give them a reason to follow.” As I read your post, this text exchange came to mind :).

  12. I’ve been looking forward to this post since I saw it linked up on Monday. It was worth the wait. I agree 100% that God knew exactly what He was doing when He made sex to be between a husband and wife. I’ve never experienced anything better than that intimacy in this life. It’s the best!

  13. I think we’re missing the point here. Of course it’s good to be wanted physically but I think it’s belittling and ultimately anti-feminist to say that if all our husband wants from us is sex, “good for you”. There is nothing in the Bible that says that all women are good for is sex and that the only thing that glues a marriage together is sex. The proverbs 31 woman? NO sex mentioned, and she’s the ideal woman. I think when we tell women that it’s good that their husband wants sex from them (of course it is) we’re alienating her cry to be heard as an intelligent, ultimately appreciated well rounded human being. Is she being starved for human-ness in her marriage? When we tell a woman in an abusive (no I am not saying that every husband that just wants sex is abusive) relationship to pursue her husband and act attractive, and while you’re at it make dinner, do you know what that does? It tells her that she’s the problem in her abusive marriage. When Paul says “husbands love your wives as Christ loved the church” is he saying have sex with them every day? No. I’m pretty sure he’s saying be ready to die for her; love her with a sense of selflessness. Of course sex is great. Yes it shows your husband you love him, but if ALL he wants is sex do you have a problem that needs fixing? yeah probably. It’s not our job to just lay down and take it without ever wanting more. The Bible calls them to more than that just as it calls us to more, and if you’re in that position where you are only being appreciated as a sex object in your marriage I urge you, both of you, to get the counseling you need to grow your marriage into something that is equally loving to both partners.

    1. Paul is writing to husbands, not wives. As my pastor said, “why are you reading your husbands letter?” The point is we can ONLY change ourselves, we can’t make our husbands show us love (or even love us) in all the ways we want him to, but we CAN show him how much we love him and are concerned for his needs. Men do NEED sex, but the funny thing is, marriage needs sex – so that means women need it too, and often! Feminism has no place in a marriage. God designed marriage perfectly. We fit together because we’re different. No, we don’t always get it right, but it’s a journey. Men don’t consider their wives as sex objects; they are just created differently to women and making love IS how they show their love for us. The more we give them love in the way they like to be shown it, the more they will be inspired to show us love in the ways we like to receive it. It’s a wonderful process that keeps on giving back. That’s the perfect design; that we love each other with a sense of selflessness; that we aren’t so concerned with our own needs because we are too busy loving our spouse.

      1. Just to be clear, if there is abuse in a relationship, then definitely seek help. In most cases, though, it’s simply that your marriage, emotions, sex life, and communication is out of sync and needs a little adjusting. Sheila Wray Gregoire has books called “a good girls guide to great sex” and “31 days to great sex” which are fantastic resources.

      2. I think it’s very dangerous to follow the idea that women are the only ones who can or need to change. This is something we seeing taught to our daughters when we tell them Christian girls don’t dress in a certain way because it makes males lust after them. Why can’t we teach boys not to objectify girls? Why can’t we teach men that a relationship can be physically and emotionally fulfilling to both partners?
        Also women NEED sex too and we need to know that we are equal partners in sex. At any time if something that makes us feel that vulnerable is also something we are no longer allowed to have a say in whether or not we participate in there are alot bigger problems with our relationship because that is sexual abuse.

  14. Hi!
    My issue isn’t that my husband always wants to have sex, it’s that he doesn’t want it enough, which does in fact make me feel less desired. However, he loves me very well and I do know that he desires me, but I do sometimes struggle with the feeling that he doesn’t. Something that amplifies this feeling of rejection ..is that he struggles with pornography. This is something he has battled with for years, it started at about age 7, now it has become habit and although he knows it’s wrong, he still cannot seem to shake it. The incredible thing is that he is honest with me about it and he even told me about this struggle before we officially started dating. My question is: how, other than prayer, can he shake this? Do you know any practical advice of what he can do to get his mind in the place where he can actively fight the temptation and be free once and for all? He spends time in prayer and in the word every day. He prays that he will no longer struggle with this. We do have sex at least once a week, but he is usually too tired for it. I would appreciate an e-mail response.
    Thank you so much for your time!

  15. That Wicked Evil One is crafty and so subtle and before you know it you are hooked and caught up. The thing is GOD is more powerful and he can and will anchor your marriage if you allow him to do so. This was a wonderful post. Thank you for “going there” on this delicate topic. I learned much Jolene♥

  16. unfortunately this doesn’t pertain to me. However this was very informative.
    It’s just the opposite it my situation. My husband doesn’t desire me. Rarely are we intimate (once maybe twice a month). I desire my husband all the time and pursue him but it doesn’t phase him. We’ve only been married 3 months and it’s already causing problems in our marriage. I waited so long to finally be intimate with husband so that it was right in God’s eyes.

  17. This really pierced my heart. I’m so guilty of all of those things you’ve mentioned. Starting today I’m going to make my husband of almost 14 years feel respected, loved, cherished and desired(with God’s help). Thank you so much for this article. God bless you!

  18. hi j..good afternoon…i read your mails couple weeks.. ago ..sorry remember how to spell your name..please forgive..i am just writing about ..woman who have their husband,,,or boyfriend..i have a boyfriend..i tell him how wonderful he is..he couldn’t smiling …i now now…woman need to respect their husband be happy you no longer alone..married with children…ladies happy be great ful..i can’t find the words that stay together..please a blessed day..when not busy.. find a good place.. to talk with father…asked for help and he will ..try this you might be shock..only for the married woman.. who need some to good with their life thank you..i hope my mail makes some sensed ..may father god bless you with all you doing thank ar

  19. This is great insight! We have to be on alert against the evil one. Remembering how precious our marriages are, our covenant with God.

  20. I understand and agree with you and God’s plan for sex in marriage. However, there are many women married to Christian men who do not value their wives, are unemotionally involved, and do not treat their wives as if they love them the majority of the time. It is very difficult to be want to be intimate with a man who only shows you attention when he wants sex, which is all the time, let alone be emotionally involved.

  21. Thank you for your post. I’ve been married 40yrs this August . Have had many ups & downs , God has proven faithful in all things. Medications affect the sex drive on both male & female. Blood pressure meds affect men’s ability to hold an errections.

  22. Amen to this article. As a man, my wife is more sexually charged than me and you made me understand things from her perspective. Thank you

  23. This article was very helpful. I am courting right now and I’m learning alot. My boyfriend and I have talked about this because we aren’t having sex until we are married. I am not a virgin and he is. So because of my past I have worried about the renewing of the mind that has to come e with having sex under covenant. I don’t want to wait until we are married to pray about this. So I have been asking the Lord to renew my mind. He has been doing so which is great. But this article helped me alot to know that it’s all about renewing the mind. Which as believers we should already be doing anyway. Thank you again!

  24. My husband doesn’t want me, ever. I try, but he always rejects me. Now I just feel like a loser. Any suggestions?

  25. My husband and I have been married for almost ten years, we have no children by choice and recently I have become a stay at home wife. We love each other very much. We spend a great deal of time together, talk about anything and everything, and after Christ really are each other’s best friends. But even from the beginning of our marriage my husband hardly ever initiates sex. It’s usually me and often he turns me down. He tells me he’s attracted to me, and he seems sincere and he has no problems displaying affection (kissing, cuddling, handholding) even in public, but when it comes to sex he usually seems completely uninterested. It makes me feel like there is something wrong with me. I always wanted my husband to want me. Those of you who are dealing with a husband who constantly chases you around hopefully find that even though it may be frustrating, the opposite side of the coin isn’t any better. God gives us each our own unique struggles to overcome and challenges to help make us the people, women and wives He wants us to be. Blessings.

  26. I would like to put in my comment on clause 4. I prefer to take a more spiritual approach by being a wife who pursues God together with my husband, than a wife who pursues my husband. The Enemy, Satan, will tempt any couple in any way, irrespective of whether or not they are physically drawn to each other in bed. The safer route is this, refrain from sex on a regular basis, and come together to fast and pray so that you will outwit Satan and live a victorious Christian life.
    And yes, I agree with you that a woman should place a higher priority on her husband than her children but this doesn’t mean she should neglect her children. Children are a heritage of the Lord and they are whom the Lord entrust the parents to love and take care of while on earth.

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