the kind of man i would not marry

The Kind of Man I Would Not Marry

It’s always hard for me to write to single women when the majority of those who come to my site are married. But, I receive so many emails from singles looking for guidance in their dating relationships. At the core of my heart, I want to minister to both groups.

But I’m mindful of wanting to protect the relationship I have with you- a wife. I never want you to be discouraged when you stop by my online home. I want you to know I’m on your side.  I’m here to encourage and equip you to walk closer to Christ and your guy.  But, our flesh can get in the way of this pursuit, which is why I’m giving you this warning.

This article is intended for the single woman.  If you are a wife, please don’t read this message because it’s not for you.   And I’m not saying this so you’ll keep reading.  I’m saying this because I want to protect your heart from feeling heartache, disappointment, and frustration.  I don’t want you angry at your guy, your God, or at me because of the message I’m giving to a single gal.

If you read the following advice, you will likely compare your guy to my list.  Please don’t.  I’m here to help you build your marriage, not tear it down.  The latter is always easier to do. And Satan will use whatever means necessary to destroy your marriage if he can. Don’t give him the opportunity.

If you are already married, you’ll have the desire to tell me how God has done some amazing things in your marriage.  Which I say, of course! God can’t help Himself from redeeming, restoring, and transforming lives.  This is His job description. But, God is also a gentleman, and He will force no one to follow Him.  A person must give the Holy Spirit access to their heart so God can change it.  Unfortunately, not all men (or women) are willing to do this.

Now, if your curiosity has taken you hostage and you must keep reading, then let me encourage you to take off your wife glasses and read this through the lenses of a mom or a mentor to single women.

Remember, if your heart is fragile, be a wise wife and walk away from this article.  Click away now! 🙂

 

the kind of man i would not marry

Dear Single Sister,

Please know I read all of your emails asking for my advice about your dating relationships. Let me share with you what I wouldn’t or didn’t settle for when I was a single woman. This list is to help you make a biblically wise (not emotional) lifelong choice in who you will marry.

1. A man who is a half-hearted follower of Jesus Christ.

I would not settle for some lukewarm Christian. Nor would I date a man who says he believes in God, yet there is no evidence that Jesus Christ is the Lord of his life.  There is a difference between belief in God and Lordship. Even the demons believe in God.  A man’s actions and attitudes will determine his commitment to following Jesus.  If he is not sold-out to following Christ, then he would not be a man I would ever consider dating or marrying.

2. A man who is into porn.

I don’t care if you call it a habit or an addiction if it’s an on-going issue then he’s living in a state of unrepentant, habitual sin. He needs Jesus and accountability, and I wouldn’t be the one willing to hold him accountable or lead him closer to Jesus. He needs a man for this, not a girlfriend.

Porn use wasn’t as common 20 years ago when I was a single woman.  If a man wanted to view porn, he had to go down to the local liquor store, stand in the checkout line and make eye contact with the sales clerk to purchase his girly magazine.I would imagine he would feel some shame while doing this.

Today, a man hides behind his computer screen in the privacy of his home where he can access any image he wants.  No one sees his sin, and as a result, there is less shame on his part which makes it easier for him to keep doing it.

What I advise the single women I mentor in real life is to ask the guy straight to his face if he’s battling with porn use. Not in a text or over the phone, but look him straight in the eyes and ask him.  This is what I would have done years ago.  However, don’t confuse habitual porn use with the same as seeing a naked image that shows up on one’s computer screen because of a Google search that led to an inappropriate site. If a person has a screen, eyes that can see, and they’re breathing, there’s a high probability they have come across some inappropriate images by accident. A man who cares about his walk with God will close that page as quick as possible.

3. A man who lacks integrity.

If he is a liar before marriage, there’s a good chance he’ll be a liar once you’re married.  You want a man you can trust and one who keeps his word.

4. A man who is content to let me pay his way.

The Bible says the man is commanded to provide for the family, yet so many men today are willing to let the woman pay their way.  Not this woman. Frankly, I wouldn’t settle for a man who is shirking his responsibilities. When I was single, I wanted to marry a man, not a child.  It is the woman who sets the tone for the relationship.  If you’re carrying the financial load while you’re dating, you’ll carry it when you’re married.  The Bible is clear on specific gender roles in marriage.  Make sure when you’re dating, the two of you are committed to living out those gender roles when you’re married.  If the guy you’re dating is not interested in following what the Bible has to say regarding your future roles as a husband and wife, you might want to reconsider the relationship. In other words, dump him!

5. A man who is pressuring me to have sex with him before marriage.

Don’t confuse temptation with pressure.  They are not the same.  It’s difficult to remain pure before marriage, but it is possible if the two of you are committed to following God’s design for sex within marriage.  (If you’ve given your purity away like I did when I was a non-believer, you’ll find no condemnation here or from God because He has forgiven you.)

6. A man who only attends church if I attend church.

This is a spiritually weak Christian or a wolf dressed in sheep’s clothing.  This guy’s motive in going to church is so he can get closer to me rather than getting closer to Jesus.  He should want to go to church for his spiritual growth, not for the growth of our dating relationship.

7. A man I do not respect.

If I don’t have respect for a man, I won’t follow him.  Simple as that. Since the Bible commands wives to respect their husbands, I figured as a single woman it was really important for me to respect the guy I was dating.  If you don’t respect your guy when you’re dating, you’ll have a hard time respecting him when you’re married.

8. A man who is harsh towards me and treats me poorly.

No man has a license to trample all over my heart.  (If he does, then this means I’m allowing this type of treatment.) If he is considering marriage, then he needs to learn how to treat me with respect and consideration. I am a person, not a punching bag.  And he has no right to spew out his emotional anger on me as if I’m some doormat soaking up his toxicity.  A man like this needs to emotionally grow up and maintain some self-control…but not on my time because I’m not his mama or his babysitter.

9. A man who wants us to live together before marriage.

This man lacks knowledge of God’s Word regarding sex and marriage; therefore, I would not be interested in following such a man. If he wants to point me to the bedroom, I’ll point him to the Bible and then I’ll walk straight out the door, and the date will be over. If a guy knows God’s Word, yet, he’s not willing to be obedient to it, then I would not be interested in being his future wife.  He’s more committed to following his flesh rather than following the Bible.

10. A man who expects me to pursue him.

If a man is interested in me, then he needs to pursue me.  Throwing myself at him hoping he’ll want me is not the type of guy I want.  A man is designed to pursue a woman so give him the opportunity to do so.  I know this is hard to do in today’s culture.  I had to learn to be feminine which wasn’t easy since I was once a radical feminist.

12. A man who tries to change me.

I dated many men who couldn’t handle my intense personality, so I tried to be less intense.  Dumb move on my part. But when I became a born-again Christian, I accepted what God’s Word said about me.  Now does this mean I didn’t work on my character or sin-tendencies?  Of course not.  There is a difference between a person’s personality and character (or lack thereof). You never want to marry a guy who wants to change you.  And you never want to marry a guy you want to change!  Marriage is a lifelong relationship.  Be you and let him be him.  If you don’t like his character or his personality, move on.

13. A man who is non-committal.

I wouldn’t spend my time waiting for a man to make a commitment.  His non-committal ways are indicators that he’s not that into me.  You want a man whose actions and attitudes say, “I can’t help but love you and I’m a better man because you’re in my life.”

14. A man who is unforgiving.

If he calls himself a Christian, then he is commanded to forgive others.  In order for a marriage to thrive, forgiveness is a necessity, not a luxury.

The closer a man walks with Jesus, the more his character will reflect Jesus.  This is the kind of man you want.

You can identify them by their fruit, that is, by the way they act. Can you pick grapes from thornbushes, or figs from thistles? A good tree produces good fruit, and a bad tree produces bad fruit. A good tree can’t produce bad fruit, and a bad tree can’t produce good fruit. Matthew 7:16-18

 

So, where do you go from here?

Return to your first love, Jesus Christ.  And when you do, you’ll have no need to settle for a man who is not worthy to have your heart.

Live a poured out life for Christ,

Jolene Engle

Pin777
Share
Tweet
777 Shares

Similar Posts

34 Comments

  1. i wish I had had this advice before my first marriage. I am thankful that as a widow the Lord gave me grace to wait on him. Seven men failed to measure up before meeting my present husband. What a blessing to be remarried to a godly man. Thank you for this excellent advice.

  2. Very interesting comments. Please have your husband now write an article “The kind of woman I would not marry.” Thanks

  3. Fantastic article!! I’m going to keep this as a checklist and reminder as I wait for God’s best for me. God bless you!!

  4. Thank you for this article. I couldn’t agree with you more. My life before Christ was a life of misery, lots of pain and a failed marriage! Now that I’ve been living for God my life has been transformed. I am now in a godly relationship with a man who I not only respect but would actually follow. He speaks Gods truth over me and encourages me to seek God first! I couldn’t be more grateful for the man God has brought into my life.

    1. Anabel,
      Isn’t it amazing how God transforms lives when we fully surrender to Him? My life was a train-wreck before Christ too. It’s not easy to humble ourselves and trust Him when His ways are counter to our culture. But, He is all-knowing! That in itself should be enough for us to submit our will to Him.

  5. I am, amongst other women here who are married, who wished she had this advice really pressed into me to listen to and hear. But the honest truth is that I did hear it but did not listen. Reasons I feel I didn’t is because I was afraid of letting go and being alone, now I’m miserable. I probably shouldn’t have read this but I am praying and thinking about the single ladies out there who has read this, and will stand firm and not change their character or what they believe is God’s best for them.

    I’m just at this point in my life and going on to two years of marriage where I am almost spiritually dead and emotionally drained. I was warned and I chose to not listen. I didn’t wait on God’s timing when I thought I was doing that.
    Now what do I do? Am I going to live missing out on God’s best for me?

    Thank you for posting this for the single Christian ladies Jolene! I apologize for my response if it came off wrong. I post this to hopefully save another gal from making the mistakes I made.

    1. I relate to you 100%; in fact your words could be my words. I was warned with red flags by the Holy Spirit but chose to explain them away. Single ladies, let me tell you, it’s better to WANT something you don’t have, than to have something you DON’T want!! Don’t set yourself up for heartache, ladies.

    2. No need to apologize, sweetheart. And try not to lose heart. God is in the business of redeeming, restoring, and transforming lives. Run to Him. Get filled with His word and His presence. Start there first!

      1. Thank you Jolene! Your exactly right. Before I got married, Jesus was all that I ever needed and ever wanted. My life was never the same when He found me and saved me. In need of being redeemed and saved again.
        Thank you!

    3. Reana, I was given so many red flags leading up to our marriage. I also chose to not listen. Many of the characteristics Jolene wrote about were character traits of my husband. I even heard God verbally tell me – as I was standing at the back of the church on my wedding day, waiting to walk down to my soon-to-be husband – to NOT GO THROUGH WITH THIS. All I could think about was how I would “never” meet another man, look at all those people who came to my wedding, how I couldn’t walk out now…I lived for 26 years in condemnation because of MY CHOICE. No more. I have forgiven myself as God has forgiven me, and God in his grace and mercy is giving ME grace for this journey. I am learning to love my husband as I should. Is it always a romantic love? No, but it is a GOD love. I had to decide that God would be my husband in areas where my own can’t or won’t be – and God has been so gracious to meet me right there. We are two months into our 26th year – yep, I’ve lived our ENTIRE marriage in condemnation. But, God…

      Dear one, forgive yourself. Fall in love with Jesus. I know that just as my sin of disobedience to God will be used as a foundation for an amazing testimony of God’s grace and possibly a future ministry to other women, He can do the same with yours. Love him. Let him redeem your disappointments, hurts, frustrations, anger – whatever the emotions you are dealing with. He loves you so much more than your husband ever will – and HE will NEVER let you down.

      1. Kari,

        Your words brought me to tears. Thank you, I needed to hear this.
        I’m filled with all sorts of mixed emotions, and believe have fallen into depression. Not just with this, but feeling as if I have been making mistake after mistake all my life. Its hard, its really hard to look at my husband the way God wants me to right now. Who I was before I met him was getting ready to break out and get healing of my past, getting married actually made things worse and I wish I had listened.

        It’ll take time but all the while the One I’m clinging to is still my hiding place, my refuge, and my peace. I truly appreciate what you said and sharing with me your story, and how God has been with you through what you’ve been through. Your words touched me and gave me a little bit of hope to keep carrying on.
        Thank you!

        1. We all fall short. (Romans 3:23) Run to the Hope-Giver and ask Him to break the chains of condemnation that you are wearing. A wardrobe like that is straight from Satan’s closet for there is no condemnation in Christ Jesus.

          There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. Romans 8:1

  6. Thank you for this advice! I will definitely try to follow it in the “choice” of who I marry. After repeatedly having to take charge of many things it’s really hard for me to leave it up to a man. I pray that God will help me in this matter.
    I would also be interested in an article about the kind of woman I would not marry.

  7. I wish I could have seen this before I said I do, boy did things change.

  8. A simple thank you for all the hard work and attention to detail that your site fills my heart with. You always stay true to God’s word and i appreciate that. Each email seems to come at just the right time for what is going on in my life. I pray that you are having a blessed day and thank you again!
    P.S.
    Even my boyfriend enjoys you and your husband. What a beautiful relationship you have. It’s inspiring. This site was recommended to me by a friend and I have “poured” it out to my friends as well.

  9. Thank you,
    God was definitely speaking thru your words, as hard as they may be to hear
    This is where many single Christian women end up, when tired of waiting and feeling they will be single the rest of their life.
    We sell ourselves short, begin to settle, even convince ourselves God will change him, all the while excusing away his unGodly behavior.
    These characteristics are not from God and are definitely not His best for His beautiful daughters.
    We can’t let compromise come into our lives down to lowering the bar.
    We should be looking at Godly standards, not perfect but someone who is willingly allowing God to transform them into Christs image.
    Thank you again for this beautifully candid non sugarcoated conformation.
    God Bless you for your obedience!
    With love in Christ
    Julie

    1. You are welcome, Julie. Oh how I would love to sugarcoat a message! But my King has called me to do otherwise and the temperment He has given me is that of a warrior. Somedays I’m like a tender little lamb left wounded on the battlefield because of the attacks. But The Good Shepherd never leaves my side and He always nurses me back to a place of conviction and courage.

  10. Jolene, thank you for your words of wisdom! I am a single Christian woman and I believe God has finally brought me the man he has for me. However, I want to make sure I am hearing from God’s word, and not just my own emotions, every step of the way. Thank you for your guidance in helping me to do just that.

  11. Ur awesome I couldn’t stop reading it. Even though u told us not 2. I only wish I knew all this 6 yrs ago. Thank GOD 4 his wisdom Thanks b blessd. I read Jill’s post. I don’t want a divorce. I’m standing on GODs word. 2 break the generational of divorce curse out of our family . I’ll b soooooooo glad when my husband is saved sanctified & filled with the holy ghost. & Is the mighty mam of valor hes supposed 2 b. AMAN. All of u guys make good points b blessd

  12. Thank you so much! I am struggling getting over my ex and when I read these things and see that he fits to almost everything in your checklist of bad characters, I realize again that the fault isn’t with me and that I need to trust the Lord for a Godly man.

  13. I actually agree with Steve! Although I am a woman – I think your husband writing an article about ‘The Kind of Woman I would Not Marry’ – or at least him giving his thoughts on this topic and you writing the article -from his point of view – would be a GREAT resource for the men who read your posts. I know your husband is busy with his work, but he has given great insight in the past. There are probably more men than you think reading your wonderful posts – and don’t forget – that would still be a great article for women to read too, making sure that they aren’t a type of woman, or have certain hangups, that a man would not marry. I know it would apply to the singles – but for us marrieds, I think it would also keep things in perspective and stay focused, and make sure we don’t take things for granted either 🙂

    1. I hear you, Sandy. There are so many requests from us that we can’t handle all of them. I consider every email I receive and comment left on my site. I do my best to cover the needs of the Body of Christ. So many questions, so little time. 🙂

  14. Oh. My. Goodness. Thank you sooooo much! I really needed to read this. I feel like you wrote some of these just for me. Some were hard to accept, but God always lets me know when He needs me to hear him, cuz he confirms it. And even reading thru the comments of other women who got married & was not suppose to, then hearing how miserable they are for years. We just set a date for Sept 2nd to get married & God started showing me things. In all honesty, He was showing me before, but I kept excusing things away. Jolene, you have sincerely been a blessing & I thank God for you! Thank you for writing this, I believe it has truly saved my spiritual life & relationship with my Heavenly Father.
    Now, how do I let him know that this is not right? The enemy brings fear, (that I know is not of God), because I know how he’s going to react to my decision. I pray for God’s wisdom, guidance & strength to get thru this. Thank you again!

  15. God bless you Jolene for this piece. My major problem has been lost of flesh and with that I keep going through the wrong relationships. Thanks for this message. I’m really working and looking forward to a new me and I know by God’s grace I’m about to meet the right man for me. Lots of love from Nigeria.

Comments are closed.