1. I had a conversation on this topic (in reverse) with my 22 year old son. His girlfriend had given him an ultimatum of sorts. Could he marry someone who didn’t believe in God? We discussed many of those points you mentioned. But, I also told him he had to think of his children. Didn’t he want to give his children the same HOPE of knowing Jesus he had, the hope of a satisfying earthly life and a glorious eternal one?

  2. Jolene, so glad to see you mention submission. It’s a tough topic. Thanks, and I’m saving the entire series for when my girls are a little older!

  3. I am confused, what exactly do you consider “passive”? My husband is not aggressive, not a type-a personality and is extremely laid back. Just because he isn’t a “leader” type does NOT mean he isn’t capable of being a leader spiritually. In fact, he is a great leader in our home. He just does it in a quieter, less showy way than most men. He is a gentle person, and I love that about him. I think it is a great disservice to men to insist that they have to be ONE certain type of person in order to be acceptable for marriage. Nobody fits in one type of box, and God made my husband perfect for my marriage, even if he is a bit on the passive side.

    1. Dear Anonymous,
      God calls the husbands to be the head of the wife so it does not matter what ones personality is; whether he is laid back or type A personality. A god-fearing husband takes the lead and he is not afraid to assume responsibility for his family. It sounds like your husband does just that.

      A passive man (not meaning in personality) is one who would shirk this responsibility. I hope that makes sense!

  4. Good post! Being sure of God’s leadership in this area is so important! As far as personality types, God made us all different, just because a guy may not be a take charge kind of person doesn’t mean he won’t make a wonderful husband.
    You mentioned sharing tips, well here are some things I was either told or have learned along the way:
    Is he consistent in his spiritual life, work habits, disposition, etc. What is his attitude toward women in general & his mom/sister specifically ? You want a man who will cherish & love you unconditionally. Don’t base your relationship off what you have read in romance books/fairy tales- the “happily ever after” part takes commitment & effort on both sides, but it is definitely worth it!
    Relax!! God has everything in control! Seek His will in your life. Put God first. Don’t depend on a guy to make you happy (he is human after all & we all make mistakes).

  5. Thank you for posting this. You said: 8. You don’t respect him. and
    10. He rules over you, bosses you, and tries to control you. This is true, and if he does not treat you with dignity and respect before marriage, why would you expect him to act differently after you get married? Usually people are on their best behavior before marriage, while they’re still trying to impress the other person, and after they get married, things slacken off. Not the way it should be, but it does happen. If you notice behavior that sets off any internal alarms before you wed, take a good, hard look at that person’s personality and issues. Do you really want to live with that? ~Susan

  6. Jolene, thank you SO MUCH for this! I have been struggling with several of my girlfriends about this very thing. One of them desires so much to find a man exactly like the Godly one you described, and she is getting discouraged that none of the men who are interested in her are that kind of men, so she’s not dating anyone right now Another of my friends has gotten into a bad habit of dating any guy who seems interested in her, and all of them have been complete losers! It’s so frustrating for me to see them, and others, struggling in these and various ways, and I don’t know how to help. This post is exactly what I’ve been needing. I’ve already shared it generally on facebook and I’m planning on sending it privately to the two friends I mentioned. Please pray for Sara and Valerie! 🙂

    Thank you so much for this.

  7. Jolene,

    I was so thrilled when I found this site today! I immediately sent a link to my best friend that is engaged!

    In reading this article, I did have a question and I would love to hear what you think. My boyfriend says he is a Christian and has grown up in the Church, but he is struggling with the nature of Christ and Him being the Son of God. It has been a struggle for the last year (so prior to starting to date in May of 2012). What are your thoughts on that?

    Thank you!

    In Christ,

    1. Stephanie,
      I have been swamped with comments and it’s taken me at least 10 minutes to scroll through to find yours again! The blog has just been bombarded with comments in the last few days, so sorry it’s taken me a while to respond to your question.
      It concerns me greatly to hear about your boyfriend’s biblical perspective regarding our Lord. If I were in your situation, honestly, I’d get out of it. If you’ve read my story regarding where I was before I came to Christ… marriage, abuse, divorce, past sexual sins, etc, as well as how God transformed my life and choose my Beloved, then you know I’m not messing around! I want the best for you and most certainly, God wants the best for you. Your man, at least not right now, is not God’s best for you. You want your future husband to love Jesus more than he loves you. And here’s why…marriage will become hard, then, kids come and marriage becomes even harder, trials will come and marriage will get even harder still. These circumstances wear on everyone. We’ll have a tendency to not be so loving and respectful to one another, HOWEVER, a Godly man will still seek to please the Lord by loving his wife like Christ loves the Church. That is his command. Right now your man is struggling with basic biblical truth of who Christ is. (I know a gal whose husband went through this exact experience but they were already married and with 4 kids. She’s miserable and following him to churches that are cults.) 🙁

      Is your man living for the Lord now? If he’s not living for Christ today, while you’re dating, don’t expect him to do so when you get married.

      If you’re going to follow God’s design for marriage, the Husband is to be the head of the home as well as the spiritual leader. And, yeah, God commands a Godly wife to submit and respect her husband. Your man can’t lead you spiritually right now because of his own struggles. I’d back off from the relationship until he figures out his beliefs.

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