1. It is very hard to desire intimacy when your husband is living in sin and lying to you repeatedly about what is obvious. When your spouse is living in sin and there is no spiritual connection, intimacy becomes a duty. How do you partake in something that does not come from the heart? Talking together is a great idea I would love to happen more! I’ve talked, I’ve prayed, and confronted in love and there is no response. I’m married a person who came from having poor role models for good communication. ” Lord help me, let any change that needs to happen start with me” has been my prayer.

    1. In my first marriage, this was me. My first husband lied, cheated, was an alcoholic, and was very abusive physically and mentally. I prayed for him and I talked to him but none of that worked, it was never his fault, always mine in his eyes. I was so full of resentment for trying to save a marriage alone. Finally, after many prayers and not wanting to listen to what God was telling me, I left. Years later, I met the love of my life. The one that God was preparing for me. The intimacy is overflowing now. To God be the glory! This post hits home and I feel for you. Sometimes, you just don’t have the one that God intended for you!

    2. Cheryl, I so feel your pain as I’m in the exact same position! I’m terrified, sad, angry. lonely, depressed and so sad for my children! It’s not fair! I’m such a great mom and was a wonderful wife. I’ve fallen quite short in that department because I’m so sick of lie after lie! I’m sick of being rejected emotionally AND physically!!!! I need help!!! He needs HELP!!! We both need a lot of prayers!!!! I never in my life thought my husband could be so dishonest, lying, cheating, stealing from our family. I’ve stuck by him in sickness and in health, richer and poorer, I’m honest as the day is long, I’ve never been disloyal! Oh believe me, I’m in no way perfect! But, God almighty! I LOVE my husband and want our family to stay together as Christ intended. Divorce is not and will never be an option for me… EVER. If he does… that’s his deal and his KARMA that will bite him in the KABOOSE! Please, I I’m requesting from the bottom of my heart to pray for my husband, myself and my family. Pray that he guides and directs our thoughts and actions. I’m so sad and so afraid. I feel like the only reason I’m still here is that my children deserve to have their mother! I would be so grateful for all of your prayers. I pray that you all will have many blessings bestowed upon you and your family as well. Most Sincerely, Jennifer

  2. I think you highlighted some great things here. I especially love number 1 and number 3. These have been liberating things for me in my marriage because sometimes we think that men are designed to be like the men on Kay commercials and, as my husband reminds me, “There is a whole staff of women writing that stuff!” In addition, I’ve learned that separating from the situation in thoughtful prayer before running off at the mouth often helps me to realize that there are some things I need to be more understanding of or need to let go because I was only angry in the heat of the moment.

  3. I’ve definitely noticed that I become dramatically fragile during a particular week each month. The insights you offer here, Jolene, are very helpful in navigating through those times. Thank you!

  4. What about when I’ve gone to my husband over and over when he’s hurt my feelings and the response is always, “That’s your problem.” or “you need to get help”? I’m tired of being shut down. Then he wants to be intimate. I have no desire to be with someone who won’t even acknowledge he’s hurt me. I feel abused.

  5. Hi Jolene,
    You have some great resources for women. I’m so happy I stumbled across your website. I’d say looking through all of the titles to your writings that most if not all the titles apply to my life. My husband is in ministry, and there are many days I feel like he shouldn’t be. It’s difficult to sit under his teaching when what he says and preaches does not match his words at home. The bible gives heed to women that our desire would be for our husband. At this point I don’t have that problem, I wish I could spend every waking hour with Jesus. And if I did, I don’t think my husband would notice. The crux is, our 2 teens and one pre-teen at home still keeps me at home focused on raising them and the task that come with that. I simply inform him of “going on’s”. If they were out of the nest, I’d turn my part-time job into an “extra”, full time job to keep me busier. I’ve even told my husband this, that once the kids are out, he can expect to see less of me (whatever that may entail). Being in the ministry requires sacrifice, and I get that. But, what does a ministers wife do when apathy and loneliness become your only companions. Turning to prayer has been the glue that still holds me together. Where is my husbands accountability? Who is to hold him accountable for his “true” words and actions? For a minister it’s nearly impossible to find someone to trust to help hold him accountable? Any thoughts?

  6. what if it’s the husband who makes excuse after excuse to not be intimate with the wife – not even making out & petting…?

  7. I believe your man is just as responsible for meeting his girls emotional needs as she is his. A relationship is 100% work on both ends. One can not give all while the other gives only the minimal amout required. The strongest relationships I know see and know both parties are equally there for each other.Times…. they are a changing.

    1. I agree Misha! It’s a 2 way street!
      I just came out of a 22 year marriage because my wife had been emotionally unavailable for many years. At 49, I decided that I’m young enough to do something good with my life and too old you stay in a bad situation.

  8. In my 5 years of marriage my husband has put me through more than any one I ever knew. His mum lived with us for 3 and half years and it was aweful. He is married to her for he is with her 5 days a week, etc etc etc
    I resent him so much I never feel the need to be intimate. When I do, it’s just out of obligation and don’t even enjoy it. I mostly low down and cry till he is done and he is so selfish he either never notices or doesn’t care.
    He is an amazing dad though and i don’t want my girls to grow up apart from him but I’m so unhappy so my kids don’t even know the real me. He never listens and is always talkingI about how awesome he thinks he is. Hmmm. I don’t know what to do.
    I prayed so much and gave up at a point. Now I even struggle to pray

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