Sometimes when I read an email from a wife who follows my blog I just scratch my head at what the husband is doing in the marriage. This email is a perfect example.
I am a very new bride and still have so much to learn. Can you give me advice –
How do I cope with jealousy?
I love my husband very much, but I must admit it hurts me when he leaves a message for a female friend on Facebook, or keeps a photo of one of his ex girlfriends in his drawer. I don’t want to seem insecure or a nasty nagging wife, but what can I do???
Dear concerned wife,
Every. single. woman. deals with insecurities. Period. I wish that statement weren’t true, but it is. So please know that you’re not alone. And just because you’re married now, those insecurities don’t just disappear either. A husband can either help strengthen a wife’s self-image or he can destroy it. That’s what I see taking place in this marriage, and that’s why I scratch my head by the husband’s actions.
He who finds a wife finds a good thing, And obtains favor from the LORD. Prov. 18:22
But before I give this man a hard time, let’s assume a few things first….
Let’s assume he has an old dresser and he hasn’t cleaned it out in years! If that’s the case, then those pictures don’t necessarily mean he’s longing for his old flame. It just means he’s unconcerned with what’s in his sock drawer.
And the female on facebook? Perhaps it’s a co-worker or somebody he’s ministering to??? It could be a number of innocent reasons. Now mind you, just because it’s innocent, that doesn’t mean it’s wise.
A husband who plays around on Facebook with females is essentially playing with fire. Satan is the master deceiver and the great tempter. If the enemy could get a husband wrapped up in a snare of temptation, then he will!
So, let’s assume the husband in this situation is innocent in why he’s got old photos and why he’s on FB, but let’s go further in this scenario. Let’s assume he’s naive as well. He’s not thinking his actions are a problem, which, according to the world’s standards, they’re not. But then again, he’s not being wise in protecting his marriage. He’s not protecting his wife’s heart nor is he concerned about the potential threat of breaking her trust in their relationship.
When trying to discern a situation, you always need to look at the heart motive behind it. In other words, why is he doing what he’s doing?
I’ve shared a few possible scenarios… He could be completely innocent or naive. Or he’s crossed some marital lines.
Here’s where the marriage vows come into play….
When a woman and man pledge their undying love to one another and they make a lifelong commitment to their future mate, of course we all know they say ‘I Do’ to the vows.
Saying ‘I Do’ to your marriage vows also means you’re saying ‘I Don’t” to your prior lifestyle as a single person.
You’re essentially saying,
- “I Don’t” dwell on past relationships. (Get rid of old photos of your past flings. It serves no edifying purpose to your marital relationship to keep them. All it does it put doubts in your spouse’s mind and stirs up insecurities.)
- “I Don’t” have friendships with the opposite sex.
- “I Don’t” flirt with the opposite sex.
- “I Don’t” confide in the opposite sex.
- “I Don’t” have my eyes wander on the opposite sex.
One goal every marriage should have is to build trust with each other, and the way that starts is by acting married, rather than acting like a single person.
Flee also youthful lusts; but pursue righteousness, faith, love, peace with those who call on the Lord out of a pure heart. 2 Tim. 2:22
Now here’s what you can do to help this situation….
Ask him about the photos/fb messaging. Give him the benefit of the doubt. Assume the best in him instead of the worst. Jumping to conclusions doesn’t ever make for a healthy relationship.
Talk with him about how the two of you can establish and build love and security in your marriage. A wife needs to feel loved by her husband. God designed her that way. Hence, why the Bible commands the husband to love his wife like Christ loved the church. And a man needs to feel respected. And why the Bible commands the wife to submit and respect her husband.)
Since you’re just starting out in marriage, you need to communicate your needs to your husband so he’ll know how to love you. After all, he’s not a mind-reader!
If your man’s heart is right, then the jealousy monster that you’re dealing with may diminish. But keep in mind, garnering your emotions is something you’ll have to deal with for the rest of your life. However, jealousy and insecurities will start to fall by the wayside when you find your worth in Jesus Christ and as you continually sit at your Lord’s feet.
Now it’s your turn. What have you done to either protect your marriage or deal with the jealousy monster? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments!
Live a poured out life for Christ,
Photo credit: Auzigog / Foter.com / CC BY-NC-SA
I’m linking up with: To Love, Honor, and Vacuum, Women Living Well, and The Better Mom.
Now bloggers, it’s time to link up your posts!
I’m looking for posts on any and all things related to being a wife, i.e. homemaking ideas, ways you minister to your husband, dating ideas, and/or hearing what the Lord is telling you about your most important earthly relationship!