1. Well dear Sister, “Blessed are those who are persecuted for righteousness’ sake, For theirs is the kingdom of heaven”. Matt 5:10 “Rejoice and be exceedingly glad, for great is your reward in heaven, for so they persecuted the prophets who were before you”. Matt 5:12 “But we have this treasure in earthen vessels, that the excellence of the power may be of God and not of us. We are hard-pressed on every side, yet not crushed; we are perplexed, but not in despair; persecuted, but not forsaken; struck down, but not destroyed”. 2 Cor 4:7-9 Need I say anything else?!! I will continue to keep you in prayer as you continue to bless others through the life you live in Jesus. God Bless Friend!

  2. Jolene..Good article.. Again, found yours from time warp wife! I liked your heated arguments.. you would have made a fine lawyer (smile..) !

    I can attest to the fact that following God’s word is far better than going to any marriage counselor or reading marriage help books..I had tried all that and what really worked is placing God first and pure submission to my husband! It was hard.. real hard..But God gave me strength! Now my marriage rocks!

  3. Ohhh how I needed this post! While doing a Bible study last year, God convicted me of submission to my husband….not because I am so demanding and attempting to lead….But it is because He wants the best for me. Control freak is my middle name and sometimes my first. During the study, I realized that I had to have my fingers on everything, and by attempting to be in control, I was outta control. One of the first things I need to do was to submit to the LORD and as a part of that submission was to give HIM first place in my life, and second would be my husband. This is a work in progress. God is working in areas of my life that I have finally released to Him to take care of. Thank you for standing on GOD’s truths and sharing them with others!

    1. Piper I feel like you just described me to a T! I love reading Jolene’s blog. I have issues with control and realized that although I know the peace of Jesus I struggle with peace in the moment quite often. Jolene’s blog helps keep me on track because all of her words are biblical. And she was the person to help me understand biblical submission and I joyfully submit:)

  4. Sunu, you are too cute! I had to laugh at the ‘fine lawyer’ statement. Consider me a layman lawyer as I defend the Gospel and know that I will have a wonderful paycheck in Heaven! 🙂

    Thanks for the FB message as well! Glad to hear your Christmas break was filled with time with your family. Looking forward to chatting with you again soon!

    I’ll talk with you soon…my friend from India! (That just blows my mind to think that God has connected two sisters from across the globe. He is just awesome!)

  5. Piper…control freak is my middle name too! Although, I have been trying to change as well, and with God’s strengthen, that is happening! I hear you friend and I get that you weren’t trying to be demanding or trying to lead. I believe all women struggle with control, whether it is within her marriage, with her parenting, outside relationships or in the home, etc. It is part of our sinful nature, but as we mature in Christ, we realize that surrendering to Him is wonderful. I believe we control things for two different reasons. 1) Because we are on the throne and we want things OUR way OR 2) we control things out of fear. Surrendering is hard in either case, but when we do, we see God’s mighty hand.
    Keep surrendering my friend,

  6. Thank you for this, Jolene. I posted to my Facebook wall. Unfortunately, women in our generation and younger were not (and are not) being taught the Biblical definition of marriage or submission. In fact, I had never heard the verse 1 Cor 11:3 until I attended a speech by Voddie Baucham. He is truly fabulous, BTW 🙂 IMO, many Christians believe and hold faith in Christ but have never read the Bible or been taught directly from His Word. I’m a living example. Thankfully, God is patient with me. I’m finally learning what He wants me to be as a wife and mother. And I’m thankful that I can visit your site and feel rejuvenated in my choice to walk with Christ. Blessings!

  7. Piper: You really said a mouthful here: by attempting to be in control, I was outta control. How many of us are guilty of that? Yikes.

    Jolene: Before I was a Christian, I never understood submission, and although I probably would not have typed my thoughts, I most likely would have agreed with a lot of your naysayers in that forum.
    You did a wonderful job describing submission and hopefully created seeds of new thought in wives who needed to hear what you had to say.

  8. Hi Kim,
    Thanks for sharing your thoughts. I had the same view of submission before I came to Christ as well. Your encouragement blessed me today! 🙂

  9. Thanks Carrie! I totally agree with you about how many women don’t fully understand the Biblical meaning of submission….and some husbands as well!
    Thanks friend for your encouragement!

  10. Jolene, wow. First, brilliant blog title. Sure made me click on it from Ann Voskamp’s blog. Second, help me out here. You defined what submission isn’t, but what is it, in relation to husband and marriage? (Feel free to point me in the direction of a good book or two, besides the Bible.)

    Um, if it helps, I’m Episcopalian and I know the Bible commands (or illustrates) of a lot of things that we’re no longer okay with. (Genocide, multiple wives, slavery for starters.)

    But, with an open mind, one can always discover that we actually agree on how marriage works but are using completely different words/meanings/terminology. (That’s basically how the West and East churches split. When one side theologizes in Latin and the other in Greek, well, translation gets real interesting… but they were basically saying the same thing.)

    Thanks and blessings for your patience in advance!

  11. Hi Leanne,

    I LOVE your question!!!
    For starters, I don’t know a whole lot about the Episcopalian faith. 🙁 I just follow the Lord and put Him as the center of my life, I read my Bible, wait to hear from the Holy Spirit to speak to my heart and attend a non-denomination church. I’m pretty simple over here!)

    Yes, you are right about the Bible illustrating a lot of things that are NOT okay in our society. Yes, there were multiple wives in the Bible, but that was not God’s plan, however, it was something He allowed. (He gave His children free will from the very beginning as He still does for us today, we just have laws that prevent it.) In the Garden, His plan was one man and one woman and then, Adam and Eve got too big for their britches and then sin entered in when they ate the forbidden fruit. God’s plan for marriage was always, and still is, one man and one woman.

    As for some of the other things you had addressed, again, He allowed things to happen. Free will has caused so many of us to make some downright poor choices; now AND back in the Bible. Yes, He had an entire group of people wiped out because of their evil and wickedness, (the Amalekites). But God is in the business of restoring lives, that’s why He sent His Son for us.

    Regarding your submission question: Jesus is the BEST example of submission. He submitted to the will of the Father and He submitted to us. He came to serve us AND He allowed the people to take Him in chains, beat Him and ultimately crucify Him. Minus the beatings/crucifixion, etc., take the concept of submission that Jesus’ portrayed and apply it to your relationship with Christ.

    Jesus laid His life down for us and dying to self is a common theme throughout the Bible. Dying to self is sooo hard to do! I wrote a post on that as well.

    What is God asking you to do in regards to your marriage? The Bible spells it out…help your husband, love your husband, respect your husband and submit to your husband. If you have gotten a chance to read my other posts, 3 Types of Wives and 3 Types of Husbands, I briefly touch on the type of wife and husband that God desires. I’ll share more on this VERY important topic in future posts because the enemy has skewed it so much and the churches/pastors don’t preach on it a whole lot because the women would have a hard time hearing it. However, the way that Jesus loves the church, and the way He served the church is a perfect example of submission. There was no forcing!

    Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Colossians 3:18 Fitting in the Lord….you don’t submit to your husband if he is asking you to do something that is contrary to the Word of God.

    Please note: Since He came to die for us, then the beatings and death was obviously acceptable to Him, seeing how that was what He came to earth for…to die for our sins, He took them on. We, on the other hand, are NOT called to take on sins for our spouse, so of course that type of treatment is NOT acceptable for someone to do to us!

    This comment has become so long now! I think I will further answer your question in a much needed blog post!
    Hope what I shared help a bit.

  12. I’m so glad you’re writing this stuff, adding some common sense to a topic discussion that gets crazy from all directions. There’s good reason for some of the intense emotional reactions, but *very* few people (from feminists to conservative preachers) seem to get what biblical “submission” is. Maybe we ought to use a different word, since the modern English has so many connotations not necessarily there in the Greek. It’s something I’ve considered blogging about, but never “got around to it.” You seem to be motivating me to “get around.” Meanwhile, you’re offering a lot of good input for people to take in.

    Your next post about 3 Kinds of Husbands is excellent in this same way.

    God bless you and what you’re doing!

  13. Thank you! Thank you! Thank you! I just had this conversation with my sister-in-law and aunt. Both have the world’s view of submission. I am all of those things above too…strong personality especially 🙂 but like you I CHOOSE to submit to my husband. It is nice to know that I am not alone and am extremely blessed for it. Thank you again for writing this!

  14. Hi Sylvia,
    Thanks for your encouraging comment! I totally know what you are talking about when you wrote that very few seem to get what biblical submission is! 🙂
    Thanks friend!

  15. Thank you, Jolene, for your incredibly generous reply. The Episcopal Church is the United States version of the Anglican Church (aka the Church of England — obviously needed a name change because of the Revolution) which split from the Catholic Church thanks to Henry VIII. So, we’re a Christian denomination (one among many), and have a lengthy tradition and history as well as the Words. I think currently, the Episcopal Church might be best known for it’s litigation (alas) and the fact a gay man was elected bishop. You could say we really like sorting out, in public, where faith and society collide. Generally speaking, we like to look at what the Bible says within its historical and social contexts of the time.

    Which makes me ask if Colossians 3:18 is okay today, why is Colossians 3:22 not okay today? A poor choice for the slave? The master? The choice of society of First Century Greece? Can this be extended to the wife/husband clauses? Society is changed in one place, but not the other? At this point, I get all post-modern, so I shall spare you that!!

    But yes, love, respect and help my husband. Absolutely. Submit to God — well, it’s a struggle depending on whether I hear Him or need the Clue By Four (as I fondly call it), and I so often wrestle with what He asks….

    I will read your other blog posts… and the gal below, Sylvia, wondering about whether “submission” is the best word to use in translation from the Greek. Word meanings change, the weight of the meanings change… so maybe? Seems like an excellent excuse to go deeper into the Word!

    Blessings and thanks!

  16. Inspirational, Jolene! I am in complete agreement. There is order in God’s house. There must be order in ours if we wish to be obedient. And I do. There must be a head of the household. But you are right. That isn’t a gag order. I still have my opinions and we counsel together. Thank you for your courage. And your spirited, concise, emphatic and expressive (that’s all the words I can think of) post. You are an example to the rest of us. Thank you! And thank you for sharing on NOBH!

  17. Over 20 years ago, before talking about submission was even accepted within the church, my mom wrote a book called Liberated Through Submission. I remember the negative comments she received from women in the church, as well as on television and radio. It caused such a stir Oprah had her on to ask her how this whole submission thing works. Twenty years later, I must say, I think we’ve come a long long way. We still have a ways to go before people really understand the purpose of submission and why God placed men as the had of the household and why submitting makes us stronger and wiser not weak or complacent. I’m an incredibly strong business woman. But I submit at home and I have the most amazing marriage I could have ever hoped or dreamed. My husband respects me to the fullest and asks for my thoughts and opinions regarding every decision. He does this not because he has to but because he knows he has the final say, he wants to. Anyhow, my favorite book on this subject is actually not a Christian book. It was written by a feminist who learned the hard way that feminism may be okay in the workplace but it does NOT work in the home. I’ve given this book to every friend I have whose had marital challenges and it turns their marriage around faster than anything else. It’s called The Surrendered Wife by Laura Doyle.

  18. Excellent!! Someone has to do the submitting, as a marriage can’t handle two leaders. The wife is better equipped to do this. It’s all in how you translate the words!! Like ‘dominion over the animals’ doesn’t mean we get to eat them. “Nut and seeds” are our food. Dominion has a negative sound, but it just means we have to take care of them, protect them. Great post!!!! Thank you.

  19. I bet I know which forum that was on..My husband and I have been married for 20 years.Might not sound impressive to some, I will add he was 18 and I was 19 years old. NOT many in my generation can say that. And together we have 6 beautiful daughters. I wasted many years being a unsubmitted wife..It’s only by the GRACE OF GOD Brian has stood beside me..And one night at church vowed to do my best to submit to him..And I’m sooo glad I have..Yes there are naysayers who say I shouldn’t be submissive..But as FOR ME, I wouldn’t have it any other way…Sooo glad I found the post of 3 Types of wives..And also THANKFUL I have the type of husband I have which makes submitting a JOY, not a BURDEN or CHORE….

  20. Praise the Lord for such a wonderful testimony, Debbie!
    Wow, 6 daughters!!! What a great opportunity to raise a generation of God-fearing women!!

  21. We sure don’t fit in with the culture around us and that is the way it should be. They are scared of being selfless as it often does lead to being abused by our non-believing culture but in our marriages and in our Christ we can trust enough to trust Christ with our reputation and our well being. Interesting though that culture fears being selfless but ultimately can’t help but see the beauty that comes from it and they will wonder at it and it will lead to seeds planted for the Lord.

  22. Some good thinking and writing on a difficult topic! Indeed, Jesus is the best marriage counselor we could ever hope for.

    Thank you for joining us for Marriage Monday today, Jolene. So nice to meet you.

    Blessings, e-Mom @ Chrysalis ღ

  23. Hi Jolene

    What a great post… so many things I agree wholeheartedly with. I especially love that part about God being our counselor… boy how I can attest to that one! A few years ago my marriage was in trouble… I visited a counselor just once and knew it didn’t feel right. I took it to Jesus and spent many hours receiving His consolation and counsel. What happened next was nothing short of a miracle…my marriage is not broken any more and in a constant process of healing by the Divine Physician Himself. It took me years to figure it out but with God at the center of my marriage and me submitting to Him first in all things, I can now better submit to my husband.

    Thanks for the inspiration.

    God bless you!

  24. HI Lisa Maria,
    I am glad the post inspired you. To God be the glory! How wonderful to hear that your marriage is now a blessing! Thanks for stopping by!
    Blessings to you,

  25. I just wrote on submission (actually twice this week). It’s so hard for women that want to be in control, but when you finally master it, you see how easy it can become. It becomes natural. It just amazes me how society believes that they have all the answers and are so quick to condemn, yet our world is falling apart. Obviously, what ‘society’ believes isn’t working………..it seems that they like the fight more than the solution.

  26. I LOVE LOVE LOVE this post! I discovered respecting my husband and biblical submission 3 years ago. I had been controlling and had a critical spirit for much of our marriage and couldn’t figure out why my husband was so distant so much of the time! If only he would pay more attention to me and love me more!! Ha! I went from being fearful, anxious, worried, overwhelmed and stressed to having God’s supernatural peace and joy every day. WOW! I have become a woman with a gentle, peaceful, quiet spirit who does not give way to fear – by God’s power! I LOVE our marriage now! This is what I thought our intimacy would be like when we got married! You couldn’t pay me any amount of money to go back to my old bossy ways and have him being passive and unplugged again. We are both so much closer tonGod and to each other! You’ll have to check out “When She Became a Surrendered Wife” on his blog http://www.respectedhusband.wordpress.com. MY husband now has a marriage blog!?!?! He calls himself the respected husband. If you had seen us 3 years ago, this is nothing short of miraculous! I LOVE the peace and weight off my shoulders that comes Fromm submitting to Christ foremost and to my husband. I write a lot about this subject, too. I’m kind of surprised my house hasn’t been egged yet. But I want so much for other women to experience the abundant life I have found in obeying God! Keep up the great work!

  27. Hi Jolene!
    First of all, I would like to say that I enjoyed this article a lot. Secondly, I’ll introduce myself. My name is Rachel and I am seventeen years old. I love the Lord. He is my light, my love, and my everything. I firmly believe that everything in the Bible is completely true. But I’m also a little feminist and strong-willed. I’m independent (Well, I mean from guys/people in general…not at all from God) and I know that God has blessed me with all sorts of gifts that fit into the calling He has for me. While He has told me that I’m going to get married on frequent occasions in different ways, I also know that He has so much more planned for my life.
    Once again, I believe that everything in the Bible is true. With that said, I still have trouble with much of the scripture that deals with women because a lot of it comes off as degrading if no other background information is given. And so when I read this stuff in the Bible, it’s always hard for me. I trust in God and can definitely see that degradation of women is not what God intends. It doesn’t fit with His character. It doesn’t fit that he would take half the people and tell them they are less valuable because of their gender. God doesn’t discriminate. Even still, the whole submission thing is difficult for me to get around. Maybe you can elaborate and help me out some? The scripture says to submit to your husband like you do to God (Ephesians 5:22). But I don’t really want to make my future husband god-like in my life. I know that I’m understanding something wrong here. The part of it being my own will to submit helps, but I still can’t help but feel second-class with the idea of submitting. I submit to God in fear of Him, because He is so obviously holy, and worthy and so so so so so so much higher than me that I call Him Lord. But to fear my husband in the same way? I just…can’t do that.
    Please help me understand?

    1. Hi Rachel,
      Thanks for commenting. I can understand your perspective because I once had the same viewpoint when I was newly saved. I was fine to remain single rather than submit to some man! 🙂 But God gave me a deeper understanding of His Word.

      I’ve written some posts on submission to give you a better understanding of it.


      Oh, and I don’t fear my husband, I respect him and give him honor. I have reverent fear for the Lord. When the Bible states to submit to your husband as unto the Lord, it’s calling a wife to yield to the husband the way she would to the Lord; to follow him. That verse also protects the wife from submitting to a husband who would want her to do something that wasn’t pleasing to the Lord. If he asks her to sin, she is not to do so because that is contrary to what the Lord would have her to do.
      Submission is a choice. It’s a yielding. A following of another. God setup marriage to have the husband lead and the wife to follow. After 14 years of having a glorious marriage (because I intentionally choose to submit and respect my husband) I can honestly tell you that God is a lot smarter than we are!

      And because it is God who has given us the strong-willed personalities, we can still be who we are in a God-centered marriage.

  28. What makes a man so much better than me that he needs to lead me? Why are his only qualifications the things God put between his legs? Why must I be the one, born with a good head on my shoulders, a big personality, a leadership sprit, and opinions to submit? What makes him so much better than me? This makes me angry at God because I feel like he made me to be a seconds class human just because I was born a woman. What kind of marriage will work if I feel like I am told to submit because I’m viewed as lesser than him and if I don’t God thinks I’m a fool and will deny me entrance at the gates.

  29. I’m so saddened by this post. My husband and I are both leaders, and we both are flexible with our viewpoints as the occasion arises. He generally defers to me in matters of child rearing (because I care more) and I generally defer to him in matters of finances, investments, etc (because he cares more). I am writing this in case there are any other women who are made to feel like they aren’t following God’s will if they don’t submit to their husbands in all things. I could never believe in a God that expected that of me. The God I believe in trusts me just as much as he trusts my husband – we both make mistakes and we learn together. We compromise and work together. My husband would never ask me to submit to him when I disagreed – we have conversations and discussions and the family’s needs are all met as best as we can manage. It’s possible ladies – why would you talk yourself into thinking this sort of nonsense was God’s will? God thinks you’re worth so much more than this. ( Yes, I am Christian. )

    1. God’s word is clear, Leigh.
      “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as to the Lord.” Ephesians 5:22
      “Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord.” Colossians 3:18
      My husband and I are both leaders who are strong-willed. He trusts me with his whole heart. He adores me and respects me. We discuss everything together. We are one as the Bible states. My husband doesn’t rule over me, he does his best to obey the command in scripture for husbands.
      “Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. Ephesians 5:25
      “Husbands, love your wives and do not be bitter toward them.” Colossians 3:19
      God lays out commands in His word for both husbands and wives. When both husband and wife are seeking to please God by obeying Him in this directive, what you will have is a glorious marriage; the type of marriage that God intended.
      Yes, I am a Christian who believes God’s word. And submitting to my husband IS God’s will. The Bible is VERY clear on that.

      1. I agree with Leigh. My husband and I are a team. We make decisions together and respect each other but I wouldn’t say my husband is the “head of the household.” That sounds archaic. We have a partnership. I make more decisions on a day-to-day basis than he does because he has no interest in making those decisions. I buy the groceries, decide on bedtimes for the kids, make purchases, change the paint color of the living room, pay the bills, plan our social schedule…because my husband is fine with the decisions I make in these areas. My husband works hard at his job and I take care of the household and most of the parenting.
        I think there is a disconnect with Bible versus and the real world. I don’t really understand how to translate the cryptic language of the Bible into my own marriage. Maybe you can give some specific examples of what it means for the husband to be “head of the household.” What exactly is he supposed to lead? Does it literally mean he makes the final decisions? Or the wife should consult with him on every issue? Or he should write the “family rule book?” Or he should be the bread winner? Or does it mean he should be the spiritual head of the family? He should be guiding the family in Jesus’ ways?
        To me, marriage is a promise to respect each other and help each other. I don’t see the need for a leader. It’s about two becoming one.
        I have a problem with the word “submit” as well. It just has a negative connotation in today’s society. but what exactly are we supposed to submit to? His decisions for the family? If he wants to eat steak every night for dinner then that’s what I should cook? If I want to work out of the home and he doesn’t want me to then I can’t pursue my dreams? Again, some real world examples here would be helpful.
        I’m not totally disagreeing with your post, I just don’t understand exactly how to apply these concepts to my marriage.
        BTW, I am a Christian and I have a very good marriage.

  30. Have you ever considered the fact that although Gods word IS true, the words you read are translations of translations of translations of translations? God directs us how to behave through our hearts, and guides us with the gospels but they are not infallible and must be down to interpretation. I do not believe God would see women as second to men, because if He did then Joseph and Mary would never have married. Their relationship was equal, they worked things out together and Mary had as much say as Joseph. Read your bible with your own mind, not with the minds of men telling you what it means. They are only people too, like you, they don’t know how to read something better than you. I think American Christians are so lost, fussing constantly with words on a page instead of getting out there and loving others. It amazes me how contradictory you all are… so hateful in so many ways while shouting about Jesus loving you. Jesus would detest the way America treats its poor people, its sick and those who are different. Try reading the Good Samaritan to see how God feels about His followers who shout about Him but never do His work. “The bible is very clear on that” – no the man who translated your bible was very clear on that, and why wouldn’t he choose to decipher the language that way… to his benefit! Silly Americans.

  31. Like I said in another comment I’m not married but I am so loving your blog! I feel like its a good thing to read things about marriage and start preparing as soon as I can to become a Godly wife to my future husband where ever he is. Where r u?? Haha jk but before I was saved I hated hearing that word submission cuz being deceived I had the wrong understanding of it and I wasn’t gonna do what my husband demanded me to do but now that I am saved. Thank u Jesus! 🙂 I now know the real meaning and am very happy I’m not letting that poop of a devil tell me what’s what. I am so happy I found your
    blog and happy I can read amazing things like this and what other woman say on here so I have good Godly woman to look up to being a young adult that’s still growing and learning a lot. God Bless! 🙂

  32. Wow. I am impressed by the number of women who have responded favorably to this message. As a Christian man I have always found difficulty in this subject and most of the women I dated did as well. To the women who have taken such a biblical path to the role you play in your marriage I take my hat off to you, you are all such a great example! A man will give more of himself to his family and wife for a woman who leads such a role in their marriage. If more Christian people lived their lives with such direction, Christian marriages wouldn’t have the 50% divorce rate that the secular world has. Christ never said it would be a simple path to follow but that it would be worth it.

    I have a renewed faith that there are women who stay true to the Christian word and pray that your voice continues to resonate and turn marriage around in His name.

    Wonderful work.

Comments are closed.