Living Together Before Marriage
If you’re dating or engaged, here’s something to consider before you say, “I do.”
Dear Jolene,
My fiance and I live in different states and we have to fly to visit each other. He wants me to move to his town now, which is where we will live after the wedding. We are not going to live together before marriage but I worry that if I move into the apartment we will live in when we are married, (he lives home with his mom) that he will start being over so much that it will be like we live together. My parents don’t want me to move yet because they don’t believe we will live apart. We have been intimate before but have chosen to abstain prior to the wedding. He thinks if I live with someone else before the wedding it would be a waste of money. He agreed to ask at church for a room, but I can tell he was annoyed. How can I make my point without sounding like I am picking my parents over him, again? I don’t want to make him resent being abstinent and living apart.
Click below to hear my response.
Show’s Transcripts:
Jolene: Oh ok! Interesting that the reader had said, “How can I make my point without sounding like I’m picking my parents over him?” Well my thought is: It’s not your parents, it’s you. It’s your character. It’s your walk with God.
Eric: Well it is her parent, and His name is God Almighty.
Jolene: Yes. Yes. The fiancé on this is thinking that you’re taking the allegiance of your parents, the side of your parents, the advice of your parents, which at times that’s great council to take, but as a woman of God your number one concern should be, “Is my fiancé more concerned about me growing in the Lord or my fiancé’s fleshly desires of him wanting to get what he wants to fulfill his flesh?”
So that is a huge red flag for me right there because it tells me a few things. He is either immature in the faith or I’m not quite sure that Jesus is his Lord.
Eric: Yeah, something else is going on here, and this guy does not have the same convictions as this gal…
Jolene: Right.
Eric: …and so there’s already a problem that’s not gonna get better in the marriage.
Jolene: Right! The concern she wrote was, “I don’t want to make him resent being abstinent and living apart.” Well if he wants to honor God, it’s a non-issue. It would never be a concern.
Eric: He wouldn’t resent it. He would appreciate that in his pure wife.
Jolene: Right. Right. As this young woman who is engaged to be married my number one concern is, girlfriend, I’d take a step back – a real big step back – because spiritually he’s not leading you closer to the Lord in this situation. And if he’s not leading you spiritually close to the Lord today what makes you think he’s gonna do it when you’re married?
Eric: Right. This is as honoring as he’s gonna get.
Jolene: Right. Right.
Eric: So it’s gonna get worse. Once they get married, because he’s already stated what he wants, what he’s looking for…
Jolene: Right.
Eric: …and he’s trying to be as honorable as possible now but once they’re married then it’s all over.
Jolene: Right.
Eric: Then it’s done.
Jolene: I mean it’s one thing if you’re struggling with being pure, and obviously this couple didn’t abstain before. They could have gotten saved as they were dating. All sorts of stuff could have taken place. But my concern is where his walk is with the Lord and him wanting to compromise your walk. I don’t feel that there needs to be any convincing.
My stance would be like, ya know…If Eric had said something like that to me when we were dating, I’d be like, “You need to back up and don’t even bother calling me until you can be the godly man that I’m desiring to marry!”
Eric: Well, but at that point that would have postponed marriage at least for a year because now you’ve got to watch my character…
Jolene: Yes.
Eric: …and see if I really changed in character or if I’ve just changed to get you married and in the sack.
Jolene: Right. Absolutely. It’s probably not what you want to hear.
Most brides just want a quick fix, or brides-to-be want a quick fix, but this is for the rest of your life, and if he’s willing to compromise today he’s gonna compromise so much more in the marriage. It’s so much easier to just get really ‘laxed in your marital relationship and quite frankly I wouldn’t move out there. Honestly, I would be bent out of shape that he would even say these things. “Oh! You’re gonna pick your parents side.” No! I gonna pick the Lord’s side and the Lord’s side is, “You should be a man that is gonna honor my purity.”
So that’s my take on it – a very hard, harsh stand because you’re not bound to him. And maybe he needs that kind of strong rebuke and this little kick in the seat of his pants to realize that you are a woman of great worth and you’re the apple of the Lord’s eye and for him to kind of come at you and be annoyed that you’re taking your parent’s side, or he’s annoyed because it’s a waste of money, you know, it’s like this is your purity and not only that, it’s your purity but it’s also – Once you do commit that sexual sin you have broken fellowship with the Lord! So it’s on so many levels.
Even if you were to move there and he didn’t, ya know, you guys weren’t living together there’s still an appearance of evil, if he’s over there all the time. Do you guys look like you’re living a life where it’s set apart? And because you’ve been intimate before the temptation is so great to go right back into that way of life, especially if you’re new believers.
So yeah, huge red flags for me that I wouldn’t even…In all honesty, I would postpone the marriage.
Eric: Right. And you get letters from women all the time that have been married for years that started right at this point.
Jolene: Started right at this point. “Jolene, I thought he was a believer, he said he was a Christian, he went to church with me and now this is what I’m dealing with.” And it’s huge stuff.
So I get the fact that your dress has probably been ordered, the church hall has been booked, and the cake has been made and everything, but that’s just money. That is all just money and maybe you want to save face and you think this is all gonna go away. It’s not gonna go away. This problem, the lack of character, is not gonna go away. He has got to grow in the Lord. The worse thing that a woman can do is marry a man and hope and pray that he’ll grow in the Lord once he’s married. You need to have the character today before you’re his wife.
Eric: Yeah. Otherwise we’ll hear from you in a few years.
Jolene: Yes, well we don’t want that. Can a man grow in the Lord once he’s married? Absolutely! But these are some really big issues. It’s not a matter of him thinking that he might be tempted. That is not what I’m hearing in this letter. This letter here is saying you’re going to choose your parent’s side over me. This letter is saying he’s gonna be resentful for abstaining.
It’s like there’s a relationship with his God if that’s the case because he’s just like he’s got an issue with the Word of God and what authority he lives by. I would kind of put the kibosh on the whole wedding plans. So that’s my take and I don’t know if you have anything else to…
Eric: Nope. You’re right on the money there.
Jolene: So those are my thoughts. I’m sorry that’s not what you want to hear but my heart is to protect you from entering into a relationship that will spiral down.
Eric: Right and if she is faithful to the Lord and waits and doesn’t have to rush into something then He will protect her and help her and ultimately she will end up the better for it.
Jolene: She will and you know what? Could God will do a remarkable work in that young man’s heart. Absolutely because you’ve now set the standard. “Hey, I’m sorry. I’m not bound to you. I’m not your wife. This is what I expect from you.” And then you sit back and watch it.
James 1:14-15 says, “but each one is tempted when he is drawn away by his own desires and enticed. Then when desire has conceived it gives birth to sin and sin when it is full grown brings forth death.”
Moving out there based on the situation you’re in, yeah – death is right around the corner. I don’t want that for you and I know the Lord doesn’t want that for you so I would take a step back and postpone things.
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Live a poured out life for Christ,
Jolene Engle
