6 Things Christian Wives Should Stop Doing
Last month my pastor was teaching a series on marriage. One Sunday the message was specifically geared for wives-biblical truths that are not easy to swallow and that are counter to the culture. As I listened to my pastor I realized the importance of the biblical principle that older women are to teach the younger women.
These older women must train the younger women to love their husbands and their children, to live wisely and be pure, to work in their homes, to do good, and to be submissive to their husbands. Then they will not bring shame on the word of God. Titus 2:4-5 NLT
It’s much easier for me as a woman to hear an exhortation or an admonishment from an older woman than to hear the same biblical truth coming from a man. After all, she’s a woman, and thus understands my struggles more than any man ever will.
As I listened in on that Sunday morning message, I couldn’t help but think of you- some of the struggles you may face as a wife and some of the unknowing patterns and behaviors you may slip into without ever realizing the negative effects it will have on your marriage. The actions and attitudes in this article will help you put your marriage back on track.
6 Things Christian Wives Should Stop Doing
1. Don’t act like your husband’s mother.
It’s easy for me to keep wearing my ‘mom’ hat when I interact with Eric especially when my children were younger. I’ve had to intentionally take off this hat and put on my wife hat when I’m dealing with Eric. My husband prefers me in ‘wife mode’ when I speak with him rather than ‘mom mode’ because when I’m in ‘mom mode’ I’m shaping the life of a child by parenting them. The last thing my husband wants me to do is treat him like he’s my child. Just like the last thing I’d want from my husband is for him to treat me like he’s my father.
A mom shapes her child. A wife influences her husband. Understanding the difference and acting upon it accordingly will help bring peace and enjoyment into your marriage rather than resentment and strife.
Steps to take:
Act like his wife. Yes, it is that simple. Not sure how? Think about how you acted as his girlfriend. Move forward in that sweet, loving, and accepting direction.
Make the intentional decision to take off your mom hat when you speak with your husband. As a side note: Parenting him will not stir his heart to cherishing you.
2. Don’t put anything or anyone else before your husband.
I learned early on in my marriage that I’m not Superwoman and thus, I can’t do it all and be all to everyone. Something has to give. A woman can manage a lot of things because we are hard-wired to multi-task but multitasking does not mean we handle a full plate well (at least I don’t). Exhausted, overwhelmed, impatient, snappy, and harsh words become a natural by-product of too many commitments.
If you put your children, career, or ministry before your husband, your marriage will eventually feel the negative effects of being left unattended and cared for. After a full day of managing too much, it takes no effort at all for my husband to get my leftovers. When we were dating, Eric never got my leftovers. He got my best self because he was a priority in my life.
Steps to take:
Learn to manage your time well.
Say no to others often. (If you’ve wondered why I haven’t written much to you lately, it’s because I’ve put my husband and family before you. My life has been filled with car accidents, emergency room visits, doctor visits, and other demands. In a span of 12 months, we’ve dealt with 6 car accidents. 3 of those accidents took place within the last 3 months. (In case you’re wondering…everyone is okay.) If you’re in a hard season, take time to rest and recover from all of your exhaustion. It’s what I’ve done and still doing!
Some seasons in your marriage and family life will require more of your time and effort than other seasons. Be adaptable in your changing seasons and don’t lose sight of your marital relationship due to other commitments.
Be intentional about placing your husband before all others (except God, of course.)
3. Don’t expect him to act like a woman.
He’s a man and if you expect him to listen to you as your girlfriends do, you’ll be disappointed. And honestly, do you really want your husband to act like your girlfriends?
Steps to take:
Make the time to cultivate relationships with other women. I know from firsthand experience, this is not always easy. But God-honoring friendships are vital to a thriving marriage. I have found my deepest and most Christ-centered friendships while attending Bible studies.
4. Don’t use sex as a weapon.
Sex shouldn’t be used as a bargaining tool or a weapon. I get it. He offended you and the last thing you want to do is have sex with him. Giving him the cold shoulder won’t fix your marital issue, it’ll just make things worse. Resentment will build and you’ll just grow further and further apart. And using sex as a bargaining tool will make you feel more like a business partner rather than a cherished wife. Which one would you rather be?
Steps to take:
Resolve your issues.
Plan sex so you’ll have sex.
7 Things you need to know about sex
5. Don’t act like his Holy Spirit.
Spiritually, we are all a work in progress. Cut your guy some slack as he falters, falls, and gets back up to follow Jesus. His walk with Christ will look different than your walk. Personally, sometimes my walk is more like a crawl filled with doubt and discouragement wondering if God hears my prayers. Other times my walk is a run where I’m filled with David-like faith as he defeated Goliath. But regardless of my pace, it’s my race I’m running, not Eric’s and vice versa. Does this mean I never encourage, exhort, or confront my husband? Of course not. But the questions I ask myself before I confront him are:
- Am I confronting him in love, pride, or fear?
- Are my motives honoring God or self?
Steps to take:
Pray first.
Confront if needed.
Inspire your man to be the godly man he desires to be, and then rest in the work of the Holy Spirit.
6. Don’t expect your husband to understand all of your concerns, frustrations, worries, or insecurities.
Learn to go straight to Jesus with all of the above. Don’t pass Go and don’t collect $200. Your first stop in your broken-hearted state is Christ. Take all of your issues directly to Him first.
Steps to take:
After a time of prayer, asking God for either guidance, wisdom, discernment, healing, etc. with your issue, then share your struggles with your husband. But be forewarned, your husband is wired to fix your problems, not merely listen to them.
When communicating with him, be specific about what you want from him. Do you need his help to fix your problem or do you just want him to listen to you?
Live a poured out life for Christ,
Jolene Engle