Be the Kind of Wife Who Pursues Her Husband
It was 15 years ago when my husband and I celebrated our first Valentine’s Day. We were engaged with just one more month to go before we were married on March 14th.
I’ll never forget that night. It was raining cats and dogs. The streets were flooded and that says a lot for Southern California! My man was working long hours that day so I knew he would be getting back to his house late that evening. I guess I had a key to his home (as well as to his heart!) because I created a picnic setting in his living room before he showed up. I purchased his favorite burrito (because money was tight seeing how I had a wedding to plan) and I let him know I had a surprise waiting for him when he got home.
Being that we weren’t married yet and we were remaining physically pure, the idea of dressing up all sexy and romantic for my man was something I wasn’t willing to do. We had enough passion and chemistry between the two of us that I didn’t feel I needed to add more fuel to our raging fire! So I showed up wearing sweats (ugly ones) and my hair was up in a ponytail and I had no makeup on. My mom even commented on my unappealing appearance when I left the house for my night of big plans with my Beloved! She thought I should look more attractive. I gently reminded her why I didn’t need to tempt my man any further.
I remember how I thought I couldn’t wait to be married and how when Valentine’s Day rolled around the following year there would be nothing holding back our passion now that we were husband and wife! 🙂
However, the following years in our marriage were not as I expected. In fact, it seemed like it was always raining cats and dogs as we experienced one trial after another. And the sweatpants, ponytails, and no makeup, well, that seemed like it was my uniform during the many years of my chronic illnesses.
Yet, through all of the storms that we endured, God designed those circumstances and situations to draw us closer together. But because we are Believers, guess what? The Enemy wanted to use those trials to tear apart our passion and love for one another! So I fought hard to protect and maintain our passion and I fought hard to not allow the Enemy the chance to snuff out our love.
Perhaps you are struggling to maintain your love and passion? Maybe the trials are wearing on your marriage (as well as your nerves?) Here’s a Biblical story of a wife who pursued her husband when things weren’t going too well for her.
If you don’t happen to know the story of the Shulamite woman and Solomon, I’ll give you the short version.
Basically Solomon marries a woman called the Shulamite. The two of them are ridiculously in love. They get married and they’re just intoxicated with one another. Sound familiar? Perhaps it reminds you of the way you and your man were some time ago? Hot and bothered? Oh why yes it does! I’m speaking from experience, of course! 🙂
But the Shulamite woman sexually denies her man one night because she doesn’t want to get her feet dirty. Back in her day, it’s kinda like she had a headache. Well, that doesn’t go over too well with the man of the house, so he takes off. Wifey-poo then realizes she has screwed up, so she goes after her man. She runs throughout the town looking for him and asking others if they had seen him. She’s saddened because she can’t find him. She knew in her heart that she hurt her man.
I just love this story. In fact, when my man and I were engaged I would often refer to him as my Solomon, (still do to this day) and I, his Shulamite woman. This story is where I got my term ‘Beloved’ from. The Shulamite woman uses this endearing term for her husband, as do I! It’s been a constant reminder to me that my man is more than just the father of my children, my brother in the Lord, my friend, companion, and a co-laborer in the faith with me, but he is my lover as well! That’s why I married him.
But when life comes at you hard, it’s easiest to lose the role of ‘lover and wife’ in your marriage. Because I didn’t want that to happen to us, I took note from the wise, Shulamite woman. So I have sought to pursue my husband and be his wife even when it rained cats and dogs. Even though I didn’t feel like I could walk through the storms that the Lord had for us, the funny thing about it is that through my intentionality of holding on to God’s promises and the priorities in His Word, an umbrella always showed up! Sometimes my Beloved carried the umbrella or sometimes the Lord did.
I love everything about this picture.
The woman in it is on a search. There’s a softness, yet intensity about her, and based on how she is dressed, I’m sure she’s going after her man! Oh, and she’s wise… even in the daylight she has a light to guide her.
I thought it was the perfect photo for a wife who is seeking her Solomon.
Your man is still yours just like Solomon belonged to the Shulamite woman.
Pursue him if your love is fading.
Pursue him through the busyness of life.
Pursue him through the storms and disappointments.
Pursue him through the mundane and complacency.
Pursue him through the childbearing and raising years.
Pursue him as empty-nesters.
Pursue him if you’ve turned him away.
Don’t wait for him to pursue you. Let your husband delight in you and be enraptured by your love.
Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth. As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love. Proverbs 5:18,19
I don’t know about you, but I want my husband enraptured by my love and I want him delighting in my breasts…not some other woman’s! 🙂 Again, that’s why I married him.
By making this choice, it will strengthen your marriage!
Note: For some readers, the idea of giving your man affection or sexually pursuing him is just too much for you to bear at this time. I get that. My encouragement to you would be to start slow rather than retreat from physical intimacy altogether. You can just reach out for his hand, embrace him and then give him a kiss and let him know you love him. Continue in this until more intimacy is taking place in your marriage. Share with him how you have a desire to draw closer to him and you’re doing the best you can to grow in this area of your marriage. I think by showing him your love and communicating to him how you feel, this will help the two of you to bring healing to your relationship.
Remember that love is a choice, it’s not a feeling. So strive to keep the passion in your marriage. This takes nurturing your relationship, intentionality, and a boatload of grace extended to your spouse! And in order to keep your love lasting a lifetime, you need Agape love which comes from deepening your relationship with Jesus Christ.
Sometimes we think that a great marriage is when our spouse pours into us. Well, I challenge that thought!
It is more blessed to give than to receive. Acts 20:35
It’s our natural tendency to make marriage (and Valentine’s Day) about us, but I challenge you instead to make it about the Lord. Let your marriage shine bright for Christ this coming Valentine’s Day as you actively pursue your husband! 🙂
Live a poured out life for Christ,
Jolene Engle
Need some encouragement and guidance in your marriage? Grab my latest book, Wives of the Bible: 25 Easy Lessons You Can Learn from these Imperfect Women that Will Radically Transform Your Marriage.
Thank you so much for this post! I feel like the Lord lead me straight to this tonight, as it has been an ongoing struggle. It’s always on my heart to change things, but it’s putting it into action that is the hard part.
That’s awesome, Melanie! The Lord knows what we need. When we surrender to Him it makes all the difference in our marriage!
This post really hits close to home for me. I am struggling with severe chronic illnesses and its easy to lose those close feelings together as husband and wife when you aren’t well. It’s so true that even just reestablishing intimacy by holding hands and maybe a gentle kiss can get things back to where you want to be as a couple. Today I wrote a post on my blog along these lines about how maybe you can’t do exactly what you’d like to do in your current circumstances as a couple, but you can do SOMETHING for your spouse that rekindles romantic feelings even if it is just a nice note reminding them why you love them. https://mapletreesandhoneybees.blogspot.com/2013/02/days-like-today.html
Dearest Jolene,
Those migraines are tortuous! My prayers to you for healing. I lived with them for years until I turned about 50, but then menopause dropped in. I wanted you to know I have been pursuing my husband ever since I sent you the email about our pending divorce beginning in December. Hince, I sent you another one letting you know we reconciled. I love how you responded to me. We are still healing! Whenever I’m not feeling secure about things with him & I; an email of yours pops up or I run across The Alabaster Jar.
So I was reading another one of your post today called, “What to Do When a Husband Doesn’t Love His Wife with Christ-Like Love”. Number 9–He’s afraid to love his wife. He may have dwelt with a contentious wife for many years and now he’s afraid to give his heart away to her again. He’s been beat up, discouraged, emasculated, and disrespected by her and he’s reluctant to let his walls down and let her back in and love her.
The messages here were answers I needed this afternoon. Answers to my prayer. BE PATIENT! Now his walls are coming down, cause we have reconciled and also my walls are coming down. I still want to tell you how much I appreciate your ministry cause really I had no idea of what marriage is about. I’m still learning to express myself but with you and Jesus I think I’ll get it.
Praise the Lord, Mary Rose! May the Lord be glorified in your marriage. Stand strong, walk the narrow path as hard as that might be and continue to love and respect your man!
Oh my, this is such an incredibly wife-encouraging article! How come I didn’t realize this earlier? that before marriage, the man pursues the woman he loves, but after marriage, the wife has every right and duty to pursue her husband! Btw, I also love the picture. It has perfectly captured the essence of this post! The girl’s face is one that expresses determination to go and search with her lamp and nobody from behind could stop her. Congratulations and God bless your site more and more!
Oh, I love this!! We just recently did Tommy Nelson’s SOS study, and I loved the part about her going to find him. I sometimes feel discouraged that I am the one doing most of the pursuing, but then I remind myself that that is what Satan wants me to waste my time worrying about – I love to pursue my man! And God has truly blessed our relationship, so who am I to (even subconsciously) keep score?
Such an important concept, Jolene! And one wives need to be repeatedly reminded of. It is so easy to let our other responsibilities squeeze out this very vital part of being married. Thanks for the reminder not to let that happen!
It’s interesting because I’m not sure at what point in life we become so self-centered but it certainly happens. But I find it an honor to chase my man – woot woot :).
Very Sweet! I love it when my husband used to call me his BELOVED. He was actually the one who introduced me to The Song of Solomon! Before we got married and living far away from each other due to interracial marriage, we used to talk about this verse online. I love the way we read the verse together. That’s when my husband swept me off of my feet!
Wonderful! Love this post! Wow.
I love this post! I always try to pursue my husband. God has blessed me with more patience recently. I used to be the type of woman who would blow up at little things, now I’m better at holding my tongue and rewording my frustration in a gentle way. I’m so glad that I’m not the ‘quick to anger’ wife anymore. Thanks so much for the encouragement.
Check out my blog at:
dreamingofperfect.weebly.com
Total conviction! I am in this current situation of NO intimacy in our relationship and just existing as roommates. We sit in separate rooms until bed, and if i don’t go to bed before him then that is the only time I see him.
This brings things to a different perspective.