Helping Your Passive Husband to Lead

I’m a mom of two boys, ages 10 and 11.  Both of them came straight from my womb.  They have the same father, the same upbringing, same teacher their entire life (I home school them), and they even share the same bedroom.  Yet, they are complete polar opposites!

My eldest is a dominant personality.  He’s aggressive and assertive and a natural born leader.  When he was about 5 yrs. old he asked me who it was that was in charge of the Indians.  I told him it’s the chief.  He then proceeded to tell me that he wants to be the chief!

My youngest is gentle, sweet, and sensitive.  At a very young age he expressed that he was content to be a follower!  If this boy were to ever lead a family, then I knew as parent I had some work to do.

One boy naturally steps forward and the other naturally steps back.

As their character continues to grow, I watch…..

I watch for the weeds in my eldest.  Weeds of domination and insensitivity towards others. Tendencies to ruler rather than to servant-lead like Jesus.

I watch for the weeds in my youngest.  Weeds of passivity; tendencies to be so laid back that things go undone.

They each have their own strengthens and weaknesses and both are fearfully and wonderfully made. God has etched out a purpose for both their personalities to be used for His glory.  Just like God has for your man!

Not all men are natural born leaders.

Yet, it’s easy for a wife to assume they are because God appointed the husband as the head of the home.

Now please don’t misunderstand the difference between a husband who has a passive personality and a husband who embraces passivity.  The one who embraces passivity means he’s not too concerned about the welfare of his family because he’s more concerned about himself.  I’ll address this man in another post.

Today I’m addressing the easy-going, laid-back, passive-personality husband.

If you’re married to a man who is not naturally a leader, here are some ways you can help him lead…

• Tell him what it is that he’s good at and what you appreciate about him.
• Encourage him to take a leadership position whether that’s through work, church, or even in the home.  When he steps into that role, stand by and support him.  Be his biggest cheerleader.  When he falls and blows it (all men do this by the way!), be the one who lifts him up and encourages him.  The more you do this little act, the more it’ll build his confidence in his leadership abilities.
• Pray for him.  Pray for God to give him the strength to lead his family as well as the conviction to be the leader of the home.
• If you have a tendency to take care of everything in your marriage and family life, then step back so your husband can step forward.  This will be very hard to do because it goes against the way we’re wired.  But with a surrendered spirit to the Lord, God will give you the strength needed to make these changes.
• Let him know you admire him when he handles things that protect you and the family.
• Share with him how you’re so thankful for the decisions he has made on behalf of you and the children.
• Talk with him in a loving and non-emotional way about how you’d love it if he’d lead more often.  Spend some time asking him and hearing from him what it is that he can do to lead the home.  Be prepared to follow-thru on what he has shared.
• Extend grace.  Always.  As unnatural as it is for a dominant woman to submit, it’s just as unnatural for a passive man to lead.  We both need to learn and we both need God’s strength to do what God has called us to do.

‘But command Joshua, and encourage him and strengthen him; for he shall go over before this people, and he shall cause them to inherit the land which you will see.’  Deut. 3:28

Later, I’ll discuss a husband who doesn’t want to lead.

If you missed my prior post on The 14 Reasons Why a Husband Doesn’t Lead, you can read it here.

Live a poured out life for Christ,

Jolene Engle