Be the Kind of Wife Who Pursues Her Husband

It was 15 years ago when my husband and I celebrated our first Valentine’s Day.  We were engaged with just one more month to go before we were married on March 14th.

I’ll never forget that night.  It was raining cats and dogs.  The streets were flooded and that says a lot for Southern California!  My man was working long hours that day so I knew he would be getting back to his house late that evening.  I guess I had a key to his home (as well as to his heart!) because I created a picnic setting in his living room before he showed up.  I purchased his favorite burrito (because money was tight seeing how I had a wedding to plan) and I let him know I had a surprise waiting for him when he got home.

Being that we weren’t married yet and we were remaining physically pure, the idea of dressing up all sexy and romantic for my man was something I wasn’t willing to do. We had enough passion and chemistry between the two of us that I didn’t feel I needed to add more fuel to our raging fire!  So I showed up wearing sweats (ugly ones) and my hair was up in a ponytail and I had no makeup on.  My mom even commented on my unappealing appearance when I left the house for my night of big plans with my Beloved!  She thought I should look more attractive.  I gently reminded her why I didn’t need to tempt my man any further.

I remember how I thought I couldn’t wait to be married and how when Valentine’s Day rolled around the following year there would be nothing holding back our passion now that we were husband and wife!

However, the following years in our marriage were not as I expected.  In fact, it seemed like it was always raining cats and dogs as we experienced one trial after another.  And the sweatpants, ponytails, and no makeup, well, that seemed like it was my uniform during the many years of my chronic illnesses.

Yet, through all of the storms that we endured, God designed those circumstances and situations to draw us closer together.  But because we are Believers, guess what?  The Enemy wanted to use those trials to tear apart our passion and love for one another!  So I fought hard to protect and maintain our passion and I fought hard to not allow the Enemy the chance to snuff out our love.

Perhaps you are struggling to maintain your love and passion?  Maybe the trials are wearing on your marriage (as well as your nerves?)  Here’s a Biblical story of a wife who pursued her husband when things weren’t going too well for her.

If you don’t happen to know the story of the Shulamite woman and Solomon, I’ll give you the short version.

Basically Solomon marries a woman called the Shulamite.  The two of them are ridiculously in love.  They get married and they’re just intoxicated with one another. Sound familiar?  Perhaps it reminds you of the way you and your man were some time ago?  Hot and bothered?  Oh why yes it does!  I’m speaking from experience, of course!

But the Shulamite woman sexually denies her man one night because she doesn’t want to get her feet dirty.  Back in her day, it’s kinda like she had a headache. Well, that doesn’t go over too well with the man of the house, so he takes off.  Wifey-poo then realizes she has screwed up, so she goes after her man.  She runs throughout the town looking for him and asking others if they had seen him.  She’s saddened because she can’t find him.  She knew in her heart that she hurt her man.

I just love this story.  In fact, when my man and I were engaged I would often refer to him as my Solomon, (still do to this day) and I, his Shulamite woman.  This story is where I got my term ‘Beloved’ from.  The Shulamite woman uses this endearing term for her husband, as do I!  It’s been a constant reminder to me that my man is more than just the father of my children, my brother in the Lord, my friend, companion, and a co-laborer in the faith with me, but he is my lover as well!  That’s why I married him.

But when life comes at you hard, it’s easiest to lose the role of ‘lover and wife’ in your marriage. Because I didn’t want that to happen to us, I took note from the wise, Shulamite woman. So I have sought to pursue my husband and be his wife even when it rained cats and dogs.  Even though I didn’t feel like I could walk through the storms that the Lord had for us, the funny thing about it is that through my intentionality of holding on to God’s promises and the priorities in His Word, an umbrella always showed up!  Sometimes my Beloved carried the umbrella or sometimes the Lord did.

Photo credit: ▲Camille Richez / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND

I love everything about this picture.

The woman in it is on a search.  There’s a softness, yet intensity about her, and based on how she is dressed, I’m sure she’s going after her man!  Oh, and she’s wise…  even in the daylight she has a light to guide her.

I thought it was the perfect photo for a wife who is seeking her Solomon.

Your man is still yours just like Solomon belonged to the Shulamite woman.

Pursue him if your love is fading.

Pursue him through the busyness of life.

Pursue him through the storms and disappointments.

Pursue him through the mundane and complacency.

Pursue him through the childbearing and raising years.

Pursue him as empty-nesters.

Pursue him if you’ve turned him away.

Don’t wait for him to pursue you.  Let your husband delight in you and be enraptured by your love.

Let your fountain be blessed, and rejoice with the wife of your youth.  As a loving deer and a graceful doe, let her breasts satisfy you at all times; and always be enraptured with her love.  Proverbs 5:18,19

I don’t know about you, but I want my husband enraptured by my love and I want him delighting in my breasts…not some other woman’s!  Again, that’s why I married him.

By making this choice, it will strengthen your marriage!

Note:  For some readers, the idea of giving your man affection or sexually pursuing him is just too much for you to bear at this time.  I get that.     My encouragement to you would be to start slow rather than retreat from physical intimacy altogether.  You can just reach out for his hand, embrace him and then give him a kiss and let him know you love him.  Continue in this until more intimacy is taking place in your marriage.  Share with him how you have a desire to draw closer to him and you’re doing the best you can to grow in this area of your marriage.  I think by showing him your love and communicating to him how you feel, this will help the two of you to bring healing to your relationship.

Remember that love is a choice, it’s not a feeling.  So strive to keep the passion in your marriage.  This takes nurturing your relationship, intentionality, and a boatload of grace extended to your spouse!   And in order to keep your love lasting a lifetime, you need Agape love which comes from deepening your relationship with Jesus Christ.

Sometimes we think that a great marriage is when our spouse pours into us.  Well, I challenge that thought!

It is more blessed to give than to receive.  Acts 20:35

It’s our natural tendency to make marriage (and Valentine’s Day) about us, but I challenge you instead to make it about the Lord.  Let your marriage shine bright for Christ this coming Valentine’s Day as you actively pursue your husband!

Live a poured out life for Christ,

Jolene Engle

 

Need some encouragement and guidance in your marriage?  Grab my latest book, Wives of the Bible:  25 Easy Lessons You Can Learn from these Imperfect Women that Will Radically Transform Your Marriage.