Chronic Illness In Marriage: There’s a Purpose for the Pain (Part 2)
Any person living with a chronic illness has asked this question…
Why God?
Why have you allowed all of this pain and suffering in my life?
I’ve asked the Lord that question before. Many times in fact. In my limited understanding and lack of spiritual maturity it made absolutely no sense to me as to why the Lord would allow such debilitating disease to run through my body. All I wanted to do was serve Him, but in my physical weaknesses that pursuit seemed impossible.
And yes, I had the audacity and arrogance to question His plan and His workings in my life. Sound familiar?
Who am I to question God?
So you’ve lost your life like you once knew it and living with limitations is downright exhausting, daunting, frustrating, overwhelming and depressing. But let me show you a different perspective on your life; a perspective to shed some spiritual light on your situation. I’m going to lay a foundation for you so your spiritual well-being will flourish in spite of your failing and diminishing health.
I call this, Death and Disease 101.
Once we come into this world our bodies naturally start to die. And back in the Garden when sin entered into this world, disease entered in as well. Every human being will experience some form of a disease whether it’s just a simple head cold or something much more serious like cancer at some point in their lives. And of course, all of us will die.
But let’s go deeper and deal with the chronic stuff; the stuff that we say keep us from living our lives. In all honesty, if we study the Scriptures we’ll see that God is working on our behalf, yet it’s the enemy who tells us our lives are either worthless or over.
For the Works of God to be revealed in You
I love this passage. It ministers to my soul to know that what I’m suffering through will be used to reveal God to others. Hmmm, sounds like I’m being used by God in spite of my illnesses. 🙂
Now as Jesus passed by, He saw a man who was blind from birth. And His disciples asked Him, saying, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” Jesus answered, “Neither this man nor his parents sinned, but that the works of God should be revealed in him.”
To Keep You from Becoming Proud
Now this passage I don’t like so much, because, well…I have a thorn in my flesh and I have it because of my pride. Not all those who have a chronic illness have a thorn in their flesh so please don’t read into that. However, do let the Holy Spirit move in your heart as read this passage so you can find out for yourself. 2 Corinthians 11:16-33, 12:1-10
So to keep me from becoming proud, I was given a thorn in my flesh, a messenger from Satan to torment me and keep me from becoming proud. Three different times I begged the Lord to take it away. Each time he said, “My grace is all you need. My power works best in weakness.” So now I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ can work through me. 2 Cor. 12:7-9 NLT
There’s a deep spiritual beauty in those verses. If you happen to have a thorn in your flesh then take heart in knowing that Christ is working through you in spite of your circumstances.
To Sift You as Wheat
Many times our faith becomes so weak when we walk through the land of ill-health. It’s a natural response because it’s part of our humanity. And because of this, it’s common for depression and despair to accompany us on this journey. This now compounds our trial from being just a physical one to now being a mental and emotional as well. Yet again, God is always working on our behalf. But because we live in the temporary world often times we’re unable to see what’s taking place in the spiritual realm…
And the Lord said, “Simon, Simon! Indeed, Satan has asked for you, that he may sift you as wheat. “But I have prayed for you, that your faith should not fail; and when you have returned to Me, strengthen your brethren.” Luke 22:31,32
Don’t lose heart during your physical sufferings, (I know this is not easy to hear!) but as you endure the cross that is set before you continue to keep your eyes on the Lord. He’s with you and He’s interceding on your behalf so that your faith should not fail. And the purpose behind your pain is so when you’ve gone through the deep waters you’ll be able to strengthen your brethren. Your experiences will minister to others which will ultimately bring glory to God. Again, you’re being used by God in your weakened state. It’s an odd concept, isn’t it?
So You Can Comfort Others
The book of Job is the book of comfort for every Believer. I think everyone can relate to Job’s life in one way or another. There are some phenomenal lessons to learn from Job, more specifically how not to live a life of entitlement.
And he said: “Naked I came from my mother’s womb, And naked shall I return there. The LORD gave, and the LORD has taken away; Blessed be the name of the LORD.” In all this Job did not sin nor charge God with wrong. Job 1:21,22
Then Job replied to the LORD: “I know that you can do anything, and no one can stop you. You asked, ‘Who is this that questions my wisdom with such ignorance?’ It is I—and I was talking about things I knew nothing about, things far too wonderful for me. You said, ‘Listen and I will speak! I have some questions for you, and you must answer them.’ I had only heard about you before, but now I have seen you with my own eyes. I take back everything I said, and I sit in dust and ashes to show my repentance.” Job 42:1-6
It is within our arrogance and self-entitlement that we say God does not know what He is doing with our lives. We know He can heal us but instead of accepting our limitations we covet our old selves. This path can so easily turn it into a form of idolatry.
My ‘old normal’ self would say…
I’m an overachiever who shoots for perfection.
I’m terrified of failure.
I don’t care to be humble.
And the last thing I’d ever want to do is rely on someone else to care for my basic needs.
But I live in a body where chronic illnesses don’t leave.
Therefore…
Everyday is a day where I just get by.
Everyday I feel like a failure.
Everyday my illnesses chip away more of my pride.
And everyday I’m too weak to do life by myself.
It’s easy to live in a state of despair, but we worship a God who gives us hope.
So find the beauty amongst the ashes. That’s how I’ve come to view chronic illnesses (at least most days!) 🙂
My new normal says…
It’s good to be God-reliant rather than self-reliant.
A humble spirit is much more attractive on a person than a prideful one. I personally would rather spend my days with a humble person than a prideful one any day of the week.
And a humble spirit emulates our Savior which in turn will draw others closer to Jesus Christ.
Therefore we do not lose heart. Even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal. 2 Corinthians 4:16-18
There’s a purpose for our pain. Our perishing bodies are being used for His glory. And that, my friend, is the type of ‘new normal’ that I want my life to represent. It’s a life that is being poured out for Jesus Christ.
Regardless of the quality of life that we have or don’t have, it is our Maker who gives us life and sustains us. It is our responsibility to make the most of our lives seeking to lift Him up for all to see.
Perhaps you’re the supportive spouse in this situation? Well, you get to be the hands and feet of Jesus to your hurting spouse. You’re the Good Samaritan Wife. You’re the one who brings us physical comfort. You’re the one who offers us our basic necessities. You’re the one who’s not in physical pain and therefore you’re not dealing with the mental anguish that accompanies the unrelenting pain we’re dealing with. When we can’t see straight, you’re the one who has the honor and privilege to bring our requests before the Great Throne of God. We can’t get through this without you. You’re needed and so is your ministry to us.
And let us not grow weary while doing good, for in due season we shall reap if we do not lose heart. Galatians 6:9
But as for you, brethren, do not grow weary in doing good. 2 Thes. 3:13
Now what can you add? Can you see God working in your situation? I’d love for you to share your thoughts in the comments!
Next up in this series I’ll discuss practical tips to living with limitations.
If you missed Part 1 of this series, you can read it here:
In Sickness and In Health: Dealing with Chronic Illness in Marriage.
Live a poured out life for Christ,
Jolene
Would you like to receive a FREE ebook titled, In Sickness and In Health: Dealing with Chronic Illness in Marriage? Just subscribe and you can download it for free!
Jolene,
You’ve given answers that are sound and biblical, and I know from the little bit I know of your story, that they are answers forged in the crucible of suffering. While we would never choose to walk some of the paths God allows us on, he is so faithful to reveal spiritual truths that we might never have learned any other way. And yes, that in turn gives us comfort to share with others, an enlarged heart to minister and pray, and an understanding of the wonderful, pain-free world in which we will spend eternity. With every trial we endure, Heaven gets that much sweeter. Even so, come quickly, Lord Jesus.
Amen Lori!
Thank for this article. I too suffer from a chronic pain condition. Several years ago my husband left me because of my illness. He just didn’t want to deal with a sick wife anymore. I am curious to know- What illness do you live with ?
I’m so sorry for what you’ve gone through Jenny.
Goodness, I have had a host of conditions. Ranging from Fibromyalgia, IBS, Thyroid issues, chronic fatigue, PCOS, rupturing ovarian cycts, infections throughout my body, insulin resistance, sjorgren’s syndrome, lupus, adrenal fatigue, to TMJ. That’s just a few things I deal with. Praise the Lord that my issues are no longer as severe as they once were.
Every little thing that happens to us does have a purpose. We’re most likely to find the answers that we are looking for by not questioning His ways. Believe and lift everything to His name and you’ll be rewarded in the end. 🙂
Visiting you from the Happy Wives Club link up.
Hi, Bella,
Yes, seeking and following Him to the end! We’ll have a beautiful reward in Heaven.
Thank you Jolene for faithfully hosting the linkups each week. I also appreciated this post on chronic illness in marriage and it makes me want to take better care of myself and not take my health for granite.
You are welcome, Judith. I’m glad to hear you’re not going to take your health for granted. When we have it, it’s so easy for us to not think about it.
You have offered Godly insight and I appreciate it. I am praying for the right words and opportunity to share these with my husband (the chronic illness prson). Afte commnting on the first post in this series, I have spent more time in prayer asking for discernment to handle situations that seem to constantly arise. I am learning so much and am so thankful for your wisdom. God bless you and your ministry.
Susan,
What a blessing to hear that what I have shared has helped you. Seeking the Lord is always best…in any situation. I’m going to address Communication later in the series.
I’m on both sides of this issue. I was recently diagnosed with the early onset of Lupus and my husband is a newly recovering alcoholic. His disease is every bit as real as cancer, diabetes, or Lupus. We both hurt and help in different ways. Thank you for the Word today. I needed that!
Katie,
That’s wonderful that the two of you seek to help each other!
thank you for your post on this topic. I have fibromyalgia/Chronic fatigue syndrome and it HAS been really hard on our marriage. I think the biggest part that has been a loss is our physical relationship.
We a talk about it yesterday, we are best friends and so close now, that I could tell him that I might not be able to have sex per se, but it wouldbe nice once a week to receive a hug, for him to reach out and hold my hand. We laughed over the fact that we had to talk about it! He is just a sweetie and dosn’t want to hurt me.
and it turns out he has the same illness as I so he’s too tired too.
I think openness and honesty is SUPER important in these situations. But only if you can do it without being frustrated or hurt in your response.
Any who, just me 2 cents worth. I talk alot about fibro/CFS on my blog too 🙂 great to get to know you a bit more Jolene <3
Christine,
You are so right about talking about it! Communication in this aspect of one’s life is SO important. Thanks for sharing your story, Christine.
It’s interesting because my mom has been chronically ill for so long but I don’t think she’s ever asked that question. She’s always said she’s on a Need to Know Basis with God. Similar to the military, she presumes she knows all she needs to know just for the current moment. And she’s always said she’s given God permission to decide on which side of the river she will be healed :).
Now…I don’t know if I would be able to respond the same but it has been pretty amazing to watch her faith only continue to grow over the past 15 years and this unknown illness has debilitated her for more than a decade.
Fawn,
I like what your mom has said, “I’m on a Need to Know Basis with God!” 🙂
Yes, chronic illness will certainly increase one’s faith, that is, if they are willing to submit to God. It’s wonderful to hear that your mom has grown deeper with God.
Hello Jolene,
Thank you for your beautifull words. Sometimes I thought I wasn’t normal because people around me reacted as if I was having a high thought of myself, because I said sometimes that my situation felt like Pauls, being used by God because of me having this illness and pain, having a thorn because I need it, so God could work through me. Thank you for letting this know, it feels for me as a gift from God special to me, that I am very quite normal and close to my Lord.
God bless you, Astrid.
Jolene
I recieved your information above from our soon to be daughter-in-law. My wife needs this information so much. She has been ill basically all of our married life ( and before) -over 28 years- well over 50 surgeries, lupus, rheumatoid arthritis, cancer, thyroid problems, cardiovascular problems- on and on. She fights daily for a feeling of self worth. I fight daily to provide hope when I often have trouble myself. To add to the pain we lost one of our children to suicide. She does not say it but I know she thinks God has abandoned her. I pray she will read your blog and gain some inspiration. I have.
Thanks
Eric
Sorry to hear about your loss, Eric. I pray that your wife will draw closer to her Savior in the midst of her darkness.
Thanks for sharing this part of your life, Jolene. I have had one type of chronic health issue of one type or another since I can remember. I believe in miraculous healing – my mother’s epilepsy “went away” when she gave birth to me (she’s had one seizure since during exceptionally stressful circumstances.) I’m epileptic, too, have had painful gastrointestinal problems since I was very young, and I was diagnosed with Fibromyalgia at 20, and all the issues that come with it like neuropathy, weakness, brain fog, pain and spasms, restlessness, chronic fatigue, and even joint pain and stiffness, because it’s paired with hypermobility. I have anxiety and panic attacks as well, that began around the time I began having seizures, and I recently discovered I have an arrhythmia (the list just keeps going, haha!) Sick is my normal, so, although I have a hard time trusting God in other areas, my health hasn’t been one of them for a very long time. My husband, on the other hand, is as strong as an ox, and very healthy. I started going through the battle with FMS while we were dating, so even though he doesn’t always understand my struggles, he’s always trying his hardest to take care of me. We have lived in an on-campus mission for two and a half years now, and I’ve had several sweet students in that time who’ve asked to pray healing over me. One approached me just a few days ago, and asked what each person always asks afterward: “Do you feel any pain?” Each time, the answer has been yes, but I’m quick to explain that it’s OK. I believe in miracles, but if God isn’t using my illness to illustrate miracles of healing, God’s using it to illustrate any number of other things. I say that suffering is promised us, and that sometimes it’s necessary. Usually the response is, ” … But God doesn’t cause suffering,” to which I reply, “… but He can use it!” I see everyday the things God is working on in me and through me in relation to my illness, whether it’s my relationship with my husband, my own pride, or to be supportive to someone else who’s going through something similar. Since FMS changes often, my “normal” changes often, which opens up new opportunities to learn, teach, and grow. Of course, I have days when I’m angry or sad, and that’s just fine. I just try to direct it at the illness, instead of other people (that one is the hardest for me,) or God.