Not All Mothers and Daughters Get Along, Part 2
Welcome back. If you missed part 1 of this post you can find it here at, Not All Mothers and Daughters Get Along.
I will never forget that day. The day when my mom hurled insults and made accusations towards me and my husband. I was not hurt at the time, I was ANGRY! How dare she say those things. Well, I was ready to fight, again… and momma taught me best!
But now I was saved and my heart was to be the light and show my mom how wonderful life could be with Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior. So I made the decision to pray instead of fight. (So, for all you fighters out there, that is generally a much better decision.)
During this fit of rage as my mom is screaming at me (at the mall and now in the parking lot; I decided it was best to cut our shopping trip short!) I prayed. I specifically asked the Lord to give me His words to defend the Biblical upbringing that my son was receiving and the Godly marriage He blessed me with.
This is what the Lord said, “Keep your mouth shut.”
What? I said to myself.
What do you mean Lord? I should be defending what the Bible has to say and the reasons for our decisions.
Again, I kept praying for the words, but He gave me none and quite frankly I was bent out of shape about that! I did not understand why the Lord did not come by my side and speak through me.
As I drove my mom home, she made a piercing statement,
“Jolene, where do you find all these losers.”
She stabbed me in the heart with her words.
My Savior, My King and My God handpicked my husband specifically for me. The ‘Great I Am’ gave me a gift that I was (and still am) so undeserving of.
“I am my beloved’s, and my beloved is mine.” Song of Solomon 6:3
I gently said to her, “You need to stop speaking.”
There was silence in the car.
I was at a defining moment with my relationship with mom and these were the scriptures that went through my mind,
“Therefore a man shall leave his father and mother and be joined to his wife, and they shall become one flesh.” Genesis 2:24
“And let the wife see that she respects her husband.” Eph. 5:33
I had a choice to make.
Choice #1- the easy choice. I can pretend that what my mother said was no big deal. In time, those hurtful things would get swept under the rug because after all, that’s how things generally happened with my family, plus, our relationship would stay intact.
Choice #2- the hard choice. A threat was made that my son could be taken away from me. On top of that was the complete disregard for my husband, our beliefs, and the way we wanted to raise our son in the Lord.
Spiritually and mentally it was a no-brainer. I was going with Choice #2.
Why would anyone allow someone in darkness make decisions on behalf of a family who lives in the light?
One word: Emotions.
I did not want to lose my mom, but neither did I want to live in fear over that fact that I might lose my son based on some false accusations, nor was I willing to have my mom ‘s opinions of darkness come between my husband and I.
In a moment it was like I was being asked to take sides. Either I stand with my mom so I could continue to have a relationship with her or stand with my husband and the promises in God’s Word.
Well, I am ‘one’ with my husband so there were no sides to take on this one, plus, I am a daughter of the King!
I would be lying to you if I said it wasn’t painful to stand on those Biblical precepts and truths, but it was right.
The tears came down my face immediately. The relationship that we finally had was now torn apart.
“Do not be yoked together with unbelievers. For what do righteousness and wickedness have in common? Or what fellowship can light have with darkness?” 2 Cor. 6:14
As I dropped her off, I let her know that I loved her but I could not have her threaten my family, attack my husband and our decisions, nor could she insult him. I had drawn the line and I had established boundaries. I was hoping she would be respectful of them.
The relationship was gone and I cried myself to sleep for many, many nights.
Now, do you remember earlier in the story when I prayed to the Lord to give me the words to say to my mother? And He told me to keep my mouth shut?
Here’s why. About a week or two after the incident, I got a phone call from one of my brother’s saying he heard that mom and I got in a fight. I smiled to myself and I thought about when the Lord told me to shut my mouth.
Here was my response. “I did not get in a fight with mom. Mom was the one who did all the fighting and yelling.”
Because I heeded the words of the Lord, I did not get into a heated argument with her. I did not feel convicted by how I conducted myself. I had peace, which was the by-product of obedience. Oh, if only I could be obedient more often!
Although I established boundaries for my family, unfortunately my mom was not willing to respect them. I soon gave birth to my second son and I have to admit, I was really heartbroken over the fact that she was no longer in my life. My boys did not go to grandma and grandpa’s house to play, even though they lived within walking distance from our house. We did not attend family gatherings nor were they at birthday parties and celebrations for my children.
I often prayed to the Lord for restoration. He had me write letters to her even when I did not want to. Soon she became ill and I visited her, bringing flowers and such. She informed me then, that she did not want to see me if she could not see my children, yet, she was unwilling to be respectful of the way I was raising my family. I knew how the manipulation worked. I was raised in it and therefore I would not allow her to undermine all that God was doing in my life, my marriage and in the life of my children.
I would see me Dad often but he walked out of my life about a year later on Christmas Eve. I then turned to my husband with tears coming down my face saying, “My biological parents left me and now my adoptive ones have too.”
Days, months, and years went by. I would call on holidays, and her birthdays and asked her if she had a change in heart and the answer was always no. My brothers would then get on the phone and attack me and my spiritual beliefs and then I would eventually hang up in tears.
I paid a price to follow Jesus Christ, but Christ paid a price for me as well. My mom is not the enemy in this story, Satan is.
“For we do not wrestle against flesh and blood, but against principalities, against powers, against the rulers of the darkness of this age, against spiritual hosts of wickedness in the heavenly places. Ephesians 6:12
Because I am God’s child,
“I know that all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are the called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
I clung to that verse for 5 years and on my youngest child’s 5th birthday, God restored my relationship with my mom and she met my son for the first time.
Perhaps you don’t have the best relationship with your mom, please know that I feel your hurt and pain . In fact, as I sit here typing these words tears are rolling down my face. You are not alone. Your Father in Heaven will bring you comfort, peace and healing. Show your mom the love of the Father as best you can. Continue to pray for her and your relationship. Remain hopeful that God will touch her heart.
“Be joyful in hope, patient in affliction, faithful in prayer.” Romans 12:2
I completely understand how you feel. I grew up Mormon, and when I left the church to pursue a relationship with Christ it led me out of the Mormon church and into a non-denominational one. My family was very angry, and to this day criticize my choices as a parent and wife simply because I chose a different spiritual path. They frequently insist that I follow their standards and ignore the boundaries that I have set with my NEW family (my husband and children). It can be very difficult, but I will take harmony with my husband and children over approval from my family of origin any day.
Glad to know I am not alone. Thanks for sharing your struggles as well. To God be the glory!
jolene