Should a Woman Marry a Man with No Car, No Job and No Motivation?

Hello dear sister, welcome here if you’ve subscribed to my site for the 31 Days to a Better Marriage Series!  Just a quick note of what you can expect to read here before the series starts…

As you have probably figured out, I write on marriage from a Biblical perspective.  I happen to be a Jesus freak who has a desire to see marriages flourishing for our King!  I also write to our single sisters from time to time giving them guidance and offering them a solid, Biblical foundation before they enter into marriage with that special someone.  Maybe you’re not single, but you’re a Mama, well, what I share for the singles you could always apply to your parenting!  And occasionally you’ll find me writing on growing your faith, as well as, serving in ministry because I think serving the Lord is a natural by-product for the Christian woman.

Also, a unique thing I do here in the ministry is I answer questions from my readers and I share my response on the blog because I figure other women might be facing similar issues. 🙂  It’s kinda like a ‘Dear Jolene letter’ although I call it, Ask Jolene, because I’m creative like that.  Yes, that was my sarcasm. Ask Jolene is an aspect of the ministry that I actually LOVE but I’ve been a little behind in responding to my readers because I just finished up writing my latest book!  So I’m going to squeeze in a few of the letters I’ve received before the 31 Days Series starts!

(By the way, I have some fabulous ladies who offered to help me out in this ministry by transcribing my podcasts and I’m thrilled that the written word is now available for all you who prefer it over audio!)

Now on to our letter…

Dear Jolene,

About a month ago I was praying for this guy that I don’t know all too well. He attends my friend’s church. I met him/ saw him for the first time a couple years ago at a youth camp. After that day at youth camp I continued to pray for him, not knowing why. Yes I was attracted to him, but I didn’t focus on that. I prayed over his life and walk with Christ. Fast forward to a month ago and he was at an outreach that I attended.  I was praying for him. Anyway, while I was praying for him, mid-prayer, I heard in my mind “Because you pray for him, he’s yours”. It happened while I was praying for him. I’m still in shock that it might have been Christ that told me. I just don’t know if it was Him for sure?

I guess my question is how did God reveal that Eric was the one for you? Was it by the fact that he matched your list or other ways?

I have doubt that this guy is my future husband because I never told God I wanted an Ultra shy, non-confident, 24 yr. old-but-still-no-car-license-or-job, non-initiative kind of guy, even though he loves the Lord and seems similar to me in interests.

I just need your help and advice on whether it was God’s voice I heard, my own, or the enemy’s.

Signed,

A girl who might know who her future husband is

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Show’s Transcripts

Jolene: Let us take your situation and your concerns and line them up with the Word of God.  I can’t give you an outright answer on whether you heard God’s voice, your voice or the enemy’s voice, however, I can take you to God’s Word and that is how you’ll know how to walk. I’ll come  back to your question regarding how I knew Eric was my guy later. But first, when the Bible says not to be unequally yoked, I look at that as encompassing more than simply the spiritual aspect of it.  I look at it as including different types of disciplines. Such as, does he have the same type of lifestyle, disciplines and habits as you? Is he hardworking? Is he a man of integrity? I don’t think being equally yoked just means his faith and belief system. So I think your question is about a guy’s character verses his personality.

When I met Eric, if you know my story, you know that I knew Eric before because he was my high school volleyball coach. No, we did not have the hots for each other at the time; he was 21 and I was 14. I couldn’t stand him and I was just a thorn in his rear end! I got in trouble all the time because I was mouthy and just that kind of contentious child. He coached me when I was 14 and then again when I was 17. Before I met Eric, I had a list that I prayed over of godly attributes for my (future) husband. It included that he would be a godly man, a man of integrity and that he would be able to lead me. These are all character issues that I had listed, not personality traits. What they meant, in my mind, was that I would need to have a great amount of respect for him.

I ran into Eric ten plus years later, when I was 27, at lo and behold… church volleyball! I had since been saved (age 26) so there had been some drastic changes in my character from when he knew me before. At first, I didn’t think Eric was the guy on my list in any sort of way. I thought he was the last person I’d ever marry because we had clashed all those years ago.  I would have never picked him. But as I got to know him, I realized that he was that guy. As I realized that God had chosen him for me, I wasn’t okay with it. Eric’s personality is a little bit out there and I am more reserved. He’s a little bit louder and I was really mellow and plain Jane. It was all just personality stuff.

As you look at this potential suitor, you need to ask why he doesn’t have a job. Is it because he can’t get a job or is it because he doesn’t want a job?   Why doesn’t he have a car at age 24? Is it because he can’t afford a car or is it because he wants his mommy to drive him?  You have to dig deeper into why he is like this. If he is like this because he lacks motivation, is it because he didn’t have a dad who taught him to lead and be a man? On the other hand, this guy’s heart might be right. Most women would probably say you should not  marry this guy because he sounds like a deadbeat who is going to be laying on the couch for the next 50 years.

Eric: Let’s go back to the list. The list is all about searching the scriptures for what type of man God wants you to have in marriage. Make the list first. Then take the list and hold it up like a puzzle piece. If the piece fits, then you can look further. But you certainly have to follow the Word. Even when you are considering potential characteristics of a future husband.

Jolene: In this case, you don’t know him well enough. I don’t feel comfortable saying that God gave you that word because God’s words will always align with the Bible. Let me make sure this is clear: If God gives you a word, it will line up with His Word. Say you are dating an unbeliever and you think that God gave him to you, but the Word doesn’t say that, girlfriend! He might not be the one for you. Maybe he would be 5 or 10 years down the line after he is saved, but not now. God won’t contradict himself. That is key. A lot of women are very emotional which can make it very difficult for us to discern the Holy Spirit. When we ask who we are hearing, we need to remember that the Holy Spirit cannot contradict  the Word of God. You have to run back to see what the Bible says. I would encourage you to continue to watch this man’s behavior. When you are around him and conversing, ask him, “Why don’t you have a job?” or “What are your plans?” You might find out that he is a great guy who has gone through some horrible trials or you might find out that he is a man who is not seeking to man-up in any way, shape or form. If the former is the case, then no, he won’t be the one for you because you won’t have that respect for him. The Bible calls him to provide for his family. If he’s not doing that, then it is going to be a difficult marriage. I would certainly not enter into a relationship with a man who is not currently providing.

Eric: The simple answer to your No Car, No Job, No Confidence, No Motivation question is no. However, the more in depth answer lies in the reasons why. Why doesn’t he have a job? Because he is serving the Lord some other place? Maybe he doesn’t have a car because he gave his car away in service to the Lord. If that is the case, you are talking about something different. In that scenario, you’d have a guy who is really on fire for the Lord and is trusting the Lord to provide for him. That is a totally different situation. You need to know why.

Jolene: Yes. Definitely investigate more. I’m always concerned when women write in saying the Lord told them something because you must line up what was said to the Scriptures. The Word talks about how easily our hearts are deceived and that the closer you draw to Jesus Christ, the more understanding you will have of the scriptures. That will make it easier for you to discern the Holy Spirit’s voice. It took me years to develop that. Be patient and continue to be in the Word because that is where guidance will come from. The words will leap off the page and you’ll know the Holy Spirit is speaking to you right then and there.

Eric: The bottom line is that the Bible commands the husband to provide for his family. Whether a man follows the Lord or not, he has to be able to do this. Even if he’s totally sold out for Jesus, if he is not willing or has no way to provide for his family, then the answer (at this point) is no.

Jolene: If a man can’t provide for his family then he should be like Paul and remain single. Here is the point I want to conclude with: In the story of David, when Samuel came in and anointed him, David knew that he was going to be king, but he wasn’t ready to be king. Maybe God has placed this man in your heart for you to pray for, but don’t give your heart away to him. Don’t wait on him. Just pray for him. Be in the Word. Go through your life serving the Lord and go where He leads you. In this situation, I would just ask questions. I would certainly not pursue this guy in any way.

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Live a poured out life for Christ,

Jolene Engle