7 Things Every Christian Wife Needs to Know about Sex

One of the best things my husband said to me as a new bride regarding our sexual intimacy was this:

“We’ve got the rest of our lives to figure each other out.”

And boy, am I thankful he said those words because over the years of our marriage, I’ve had issue after issue in the marriage bed!  But I don’t believe I’m the only wife who feels this way.  In fact, I know I’m not based on the emails I receive from wives.  (Sending another Christian woman an email about the struggles a wife is facing in her marriage bed is not nearly as terrifying as sharing your personal struggles and pain with someone face to face in your church!)

Whether you’ve been married 3 months or 30 years, I think every Christian wife can benefit by what I’m going to share today.

7 Things Every Christian Wife Needs to Know about Sex

1. Sexual intimacy can be a complicated thing. 

• It might be painful.
• You might not have any sexual drive whatsoever.
• Sometimes your mind is consumed with countless things and the thought of having sex is the last thing on your mind.
• Sometimes you can’t get over the shame of your past.
• And sometimes you don’t want another person touching you. (If you’re a mama of littles, then you know what I’m talking about!)

2.Sex won’t meet your expectations.

I’m not sure why this is.

• Is it because of comparisons?
• Maybe due to a past lover?
• Or a time in your marriage when sex was blissful and easy?
• Or what’s been depicted on the screen by Hollywood about sex?
• Reading romance novels or erotica?
• Or because Satan is speaking lies into our hearts and minds?

When this happens, you find yourself saying,

“I don’t really care for sex.”  Or, “Sex is not a big deal to me.”

Sex then gets treated more like a chore or duty rather than something designed to bring a deeper love between you and your husband.

3.Sex will change over the years.

Your husband’s sex drive might be higher than yours right now.  And perhaps later in life, your drive might be higher than his.  Or, physically speaking, your body has changed since you birthed babies. You and your husband now have to learn how to be more sexually creative so you can bring pleasure to one another due to your changing body.  And let’s not forget a woman’s hormones!

4.There will be times in your marriage where you’ll be too exhausted to have sex.

Over the years I needed to learn to make an effort to prioritize sexual intimacy with my husband, otherwise it would become an after thought in my life.

5.Emotionally, you’re empty, hurt, or nursing a grudge and you don’t want to have sex.

If you’re tempted to take this path (or you’re on it right now) just know it will not bring the two of you closer together, it will only widen the gap between your hearts.

Seek the Lord on this issue.  Give Him access to those raw places in your heart.

6.The sexual intimacy between you and your husband will be under attack by Satan himself.

This was not a concept I thought about as a young bride.  (All that ran through my mind was that I couldn’t wait to get married so I could have sex with my husband!)

Spiritual warfare in my marriage bed?  What exactly is that?

Now I say, “Well, duh, why not!”

Of course, Satan would go after the marriage bed because God created the marriage bed!  If the enemy of marriage can thwart physical intimacy between a husband and wife, then he just created a rift in the marriage.  The crack has been started and he’ll continue to widen it by petty disagreements, misunderstands, hurt feelings, and unmet needs- both emotional and physical.  His goal is to tear down Christ-centered marriages because these marriages honor God.

“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy.  John 10:10

7. You’re not alone.

Countless wives struggle with sexual intimacy.  So, please know that you’re normal! From time to time, I struggle with it and I get emails All. The. Time. from wives (and husbands) about this issue.  Speak up.  Share your struggles.  Don’t remain silent and isolated about this concern in your marriage, after all, sex is for married couples.  Seek help.  Minister to one another.

Now go back and look at the above list.

Ask yourself why is it that I’m struggling with sex?  Or, why is it that I don’t enjoy sex?  

What measures can you take to remedy this problem?

Do you need to shift your perspective?  After all, God created sex and therefore, it is a good thing.  Why do you think it’s not a good thing in your marriage?  Is it due to an emotional issue, physical issue, mental issue, or a spiritual one?

Do you need to see a doctor if there is physical pain (or you have no sex drive)?

Do you need to have a heart to heart conversation with your husband?

Have you laid your marriage and your marital intimacy at the feet of Jesus for Him to heal your heart?

Maybe you need to revamp your schedule and prioritize sex with your husband?

Just know, I’ve had to do all of the above throughout the many years of my marriage.  And I continue to do so because Satan is looking to destroy my marriage (and yours).

Be mindful of this: If you’re tempted to ignore the issues and wish them away, then you’ll miss out on the deeper emotional, physical, and spiritual intimacy that you’re longing to have with your husband.  It is only through the act of marriage that you can obtain this.

Be diligent to put the spark back into your marriage.

Live a poured out life for Christ,

Jolene Engle