50 shades
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Why Christian Women Are Drawn to 50 Shades of Grey

I wasn’t planning on writing about 50 Shades of Grey again since I already wrote about it here.  But, with the movie coming out this Valentine’s Day, I thought I needed to write to you again since it’s the talk of the town, and sadly, many Christian women are enticed by the storyline.

Did you know that 70 million women have read the books?  Yes, and the statistic I read said that about 40% of them were Christian women.  My heart broke for them because they’re longing for something that is missing in their marriage; true intimacy.

Instead of telling you why you shouldn’t watch the movie (because you shouldn’t) I’m going to address why women are so drawn to it.  But before I do, let me give you a little of my background first…

Here’s the lo-down of my life before I got saved. I was married then divorced, then lived with another man.  I gave away my virginity at the age of 16  and I was sexually molested by a neighbor when I was under the age of 11.  I naively stepped into romance novels in my pre-teens which eventually led me to reading books that were more on the side of erotica.  I was exposed to porn and playboys.  And if that wasn’t enough, I was sexually involved with many other men.

Then my life started when I became a born-again Christian as I accepted Jesus Christ as my Lord and Savior in July of 1996.

Less than 2 years later, I married my Beloved on March 14, 1998.  A beautiful man that God chose just for me.  A man I do not deserve.  And a man I am honored to call my husband.  Sounds great doesn’t it?  Beautiful love story of God introducing boy to girl.  Boy and girl fall in love.  Boy and girl gets married.

But this girl had issues.  Shocking, I know.  I had sexual baggage which was more like a dumpster than a small bag of trash.  So, through the years I had to learn how to overcome my sexual past.

Now, you might be thinking, “What does this have to do with 50 Shades of Grey?”  A lot, actually.  I pursued those things in my past because I was longing for intimacy.

I was longing to be loved.

Desired.

Cherished.

All longings every woman wants to experience.

Why Christian Women are Drawn to 50 Shades of Grey

For me, I just happened to physically live out my flesh-filled desires while other women are going to live theirs out in their minds when they go to watch this movie or read the books.  Of course, I can tell you from my past life experiences you won’t leave in a better spiritual, marital, or emotional state when you go to said movie.  Yeah, you might be on an emotional or physical high afterwards, but you’ll eventually come down and crash from it.  Your soul will never be the same and neither will your marriage, (or future marriage).

Why Christian Women Are Drawn to 50 Shades of Grey

Since I didn’t read the books, I don’t know all of the details.  But I do know that Christian Grey is portrayed as a strong man in the movie, although Hollywood’s description of a strong man is all off.  Way off!

Now let me ask you, are you drawn to a strong man?  I mean, a true strong man…

A man who will stand up for you?

Protect you?

Provide for you?

Fight for you?

Pursue you?

Yeah, I am too.  But these men are hard to come by since our society has emasculated them for years.  Sadly, I used to be a woman doing just that before I got saved!  I would devour men and belittle them and I wouldn’t give them my respect for nothing if I saw they couldn’t handle me.  Respect?  What’s that?  And why would I give it to any man?  Yes, those were my thoughts.  However, living for Christ and soaking up the Word of God and applying it to my marriage has radically changed my viewpoint.

But, as Christian women, we are most likely living a very sacrificial life.  Laying down our lives for the sake of others and while this premise is biblical, many times in the throes of mothering and the pursuit of outside endeavors and just trying to go through this hard life without drowning, our marriage can easily become ho-hum.

Mundane.

Complacent.

Lack luster.

Void of passion.

The enemy loves this, by the way!  If he can get us distracted, guess what happens to our marriage?  It breaks down.  Our home is now filled with turmoil instead of joy.

The marriage bed is now platonic instead of filled with passion so we want to go hangout with Christian Grey hoping for something more.

“The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.  John 10:10

Our love story has been neglected.  It is now covered in dust sitting up on a shelf.  Well, girlfriend, take your book off the shelf and turn your own page!

Forego turning a page from 50 Shades and turn a page from your own romance novel.

But 50 Shades is new and full of passion and intrigue…you say?

Passion and intrigue was most likely a part of your love story too, just like mine.  But some how through the years the kids became our focal point.  Or it was the careers.  The new toys.  Financial freedom.  Our marital passion can easily be snuffed out if we’re not careful to continue to stoke our own fire.  Girlfriend, stoke your own fire!

Maybe you’re saying, but Christian Grey, he’s a man I desire because I’m drawn to him…

You were drawn to your husband once too, right?  What’s changed?  I’m sure with one word I can figure it out…

RESPECT.

Yep.  You’ve lost respect for him.  I get it.  Come closer and let me whisper a little secret in your ear.  Every wife, at some point in her marriage, loses respect for her husband.  The respect meter goes down.  Betcha didn’t know that.  Yeah, well, at least now you know you’re normal.  🙂

Okay, so now you know your intimacy and passion have died down for two reasons:

1) Because you no longer hold your man in high esteem.

If you don’t admire him you’re less likely to physically desire him.

Did you know you have to fight to respect and admire him ? Yep, I have to do this every day. Every day I have to put on my lenses of viewing my husband strengths rather than his weaknesses.

Shift your perspective just a tad and you’ll see the respect you once had for him start to grow.  He needs this and so do you.

And let the wife see that she respects her husband.  Eph. 5:33

2) Or your intimacy and passion have died down because you’re too busy being mom, homemaker, career woman, or whathaveyou.  Invest in your marriage more than these other roles.  And start this weekend by choosing your husband over Christian Grey.  Better yet, go one step further and set up a night to knock your husband’s socks off. This is how you turn the page of your dusty, old love story!

Live a poured out life for Christ,

Jolene Engle

 

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55 Comments

  2. I loved every word of this post. Many of them I want to snag and quote you on. This is a very well written post and hits the nail on the head well.
    I agree with you 110%. I, too, come from a very messed up sexual past and trauma. I also realize that no woman will ever find the kind of passion she’s looking for except through their husband by being a wife who truly loves, respects, and keeps her eyes focused on her husband. When you add God to the mix, it’s just that much sweeter and stronger.

  3. Jolene, this is the best 50 shades post I’ve read. These are my thoughts exactly. I just couldn’t have done it with as much tact as you did! Thank you for this! Plastering it on all my social media’s! Much love, friend!

  4. Great post! For a christian based alternative to Fifty Shades, also coming out this weekend, please look for trailers on You Tube for “Old Fashion”. Looks like it’s going to be a great Valentine date movie!!

  5. I don’t like S& M one bit, it’s scary to me. 50 shades of grey doesn’t interest me either. The trailer reminds me of American Psycho – again, scary!
    But I do like your advice Jolene, you and I hace similar backgrounds. Thank u for sharing a bit about your sexual past.
    It’ll be our 17 yr wedding anniversary next month. I do want to be pursued. Desired. It feels like I’ve been doing it all. I’m getting tired. I pray for patience. It’s nvr easy. The constant rejection drives me crazy. We’ve been like this for years. I’m thinking of parting ways. I rather be physically alone, than merely sharing a roof with him and feeling alone. Our girls (16 & 13) keep me company. They’re wonderful but will go off to college in a few years…

    1. Hi Mari,
      I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. Try pursuing him and see how he responds. I’d also recommend you get biblical counsel from someone in your church so she can walk with you through your tough situation.

  6. Agreeing with Kaylene, best post I’ve read on this 50 shades of grey. So grateful for how you share your story and heart with us. xoxo

  8. Thank you so much for this Jolene!! Am not yet married but am praying that I will respect my future husband always. God bless!!

  9. I read not even half of 50 shades of grey…If women are wanting a strong man, Mr.Grey in the book was an abuser…My heart hurts for women that have been physically and sexually abused…Sadly some of those women may go see the movie and it might trigger them…Just a mess all the way around…Thank you for the article Jolene..My husband and I have been married for 23 years..(We were married young 18 and 19 years old..)

    1. Yes, Debbie, women are longing for something that a movie can’t give them. Only Jesus and pursing a Christ-centered marriage can give a woman the true intimacy we so desire!

  10. Thank you for this post! I was just saying to myself, “What’s this Fifty Shades of Gray all about?” I am so glad I came across this before actually going to see it! God bless you and your ministry!

  11. Jolene,
    I have been married for 15 years now and I love my husband very much. Over our marriage he has had a wondering eye and addiction to porn. This of course has made me very insecure….he has stop watching porn
    And is definitely working on his wondering eye. We have been going to church and studing the bible for several years now. I find @ times it’s hard to forgive him and I want to let go and move forward. Do you have any advice about me letting go and not feeling so insecure at times?
    Thanks so much Christine

  12. YES! I love how you brought out the fact that we have lost respect for our husbands and that is a huge problem – but it happens and it is our responsibility to do something God glorifying about it. I love this post and I intend to share it in my blog round-up!

  13. Hello Jolene!
    I really admire your blog, it has helped me so much on my journey! Im in college, and one of my classes is requiring us to write a blog, and I want to write on marriage! Do you mind if I use some of your videos/pictures? With full credit, of course! I would love to tell people what an awesome blog this is!
    Thank You!

  14. Im not seeing the movie wasn’t sure if i should. I did read the books.I was a sexually abused child and am a rape victim so when i read these all i took from them was a confused young man not knowing what true love was.I found that hes confused controlling sexually abused young man and 1 woman changed it all for him in the end.i didnt think about it as if i wanted my husband to do any of this or that because to me thats not what i need or want.
    All i got was a sad love story out it with complications involved. Ive never thought of this man from a book as my husband or even wanted to. Im not perfect and i know the good lord doesnt ask that of us but i can admit to reading just the books. So all i am left with is a confused & lost mind on if its a good idea or not to see the movie.

    1. Hi Nancy,
      I’m so sorry for all that you’ve been through! Mediate on what the Apostle Paul wrote here:
      ” Because we belong to the day, we must live decent lives for all to see. Don’t participate in the darkness of wild parties and drunkenness, or in sexual promiscuity and immoral living, or in quarreling and jealousy. Instead, clothe yourself with the presence of the Lord Jesus Christ. And don’t let yourself think about ways to indulge your evil desires.” Romans 13:13-14 (NLT)
      I hope this verse will draw you closer to the Lord.
      Hugs,
      Jolene

    2. Thank you for posting this comment. I totally agree with you. I have read the books and only see a messed up man with a bad past and then a woman changes it. It is a tragic and sad love story. I love how everyone is getting on this “bandwagon” especially the ones who have never even read the book. I have a wonderful marriage in ALL aspects of it. My husband and I have mutual respect for one another in our home, outside of our home, and in our bedroom. For you to make it sound like all women who are reading these books and seeing the movie, are longing for something they don’t have is ridiculous. And is one of the reasons that many people are turned off by “Christianity” these days. I enjoyed reading the book and I plan on seeing the movie. Not because my husband is lacking in any way. Yeah, not going to deny this book goes into great detail about sexual acts and S & M. But there is also a story line to it. If any of you have taken the time to read it instead of just saying….”AHHHHHH they are talking about sex!!!” Having sex is OKAY! God intended men and women to have sex. And I say if us Christian women want to do some things in the bedroom that are not traditional, and our husbands are into it…..then why not? I really think there are ALOT bigger problems in this world than 50 Shades. just saying….

      1. Absolutely, married Christians are to have rockin’ sex, even sex that is not so vanilla. The problem with this series is the type of one dimensional intimacy it portrays. Sex is so much more than physical pleasure. I would wish all to realize the spiritual and emotional component of sex. Even more should Christians identify with the spiritual component of sex since God describes his relationship with us as a marriage. My problem with this series and erotica and pornography is it creates false intimacy. Having sex with your husband is GREAT, but if the arousal comes from false means, not interaction with your husband but visuals of things NOT involving your husband, that isn’t the three dimensional, fulfilling intimacy God created us for. It also is bringing a third party into your marriage bed in your mind.

  16. Dear Jolene,

    thanks again for writing this post!I haven’t read the books, have not seen the movie (it came out on Wednesday here in lil’ Belgium) and I have NO intention of reading them or seeing it!!! I’ve been married for 17 years and we had or ups and downs like any good, healthy marriage has.
    I must admit that I liked reading romantic novels but since I became a follower of Christ even those do not really interest me. I do read the christian (clean) romance novels.
    Many blessings from Abby x

  17. I believe I am a woman of Christ. but I am going to see this movie with my girlfriends and have a girls night . Its just a movie and I am comfortable in my marriage to go see it. It doesn’t make me less of a woman of Christ bc of it. I didn’t read the book bc of the graphic nature and frankly I hate to read. This movie carries a rated R not X and its a toned down version of the book. I just cant believe all the time that is wasted on bashing a movie or a person for choosing to see.

    2. Lynn , I totally agree with you. I am a women of Christ. And very comfortable in my marriage of thirty-two years. I have the upmost respect for my husband and he for me. I am going to see the movie, I read the books. Yes the movie will be very toned down. I do not feel I am any less of a woman of Christ than the women that read the “clean” romance novels . Intimacy and spice are just as much a part of a marriage as respect and love

      1. I completely agree with you and Lynn. I am so glad to finally see some others that think this way. I am very tired of seeing all of the judging going around.

        1. I am really, really confused by these comments of acceptance of the movie. I don’t understand at all how a follower of Christ would approve of this stuff. It makes me want to cry! This is the type of stuff that people are saved OUT of. Not what Christ would lead people INTO. I wasn’t in an abusive relationship but I was outside of God’s will and he opened my eyes to the immense SIN I was in and I was so THANKFUL that he died for that sin. I just know for myself I would never want to sit and ogle at the sin Christ died for knowing Christ is with me everywhere I go. What about 1 Corinthians 10:31 “So whether you eat or drink or whatever you do, do it all for the glory of God.”? What about having a pure heart? What about being a good witness to others? What about bearing good fruit? What about keeping ourselves free from the lust of the flesh? If raising these questions makes me a “judge” then I guess I’m guilty. But I would rather see it as encouraging my sisters in Christ to think with the new mind of Christ we’ve been given. I just don’t have to read far into Scriptures to see that watching filth is not God’s will for us. If you are a follower of Christ I would humbly ask you to search your heart and ask if maybe you have hardened your heart toward the severity of sin. I would love nothing more than to see the body of Christ encouraging one another to love and good deeds by the purity of our lives and our love for Christ! Blessings to you!

  18. My husband has had 3 affairs ….I have lost respect for him! I Am tired of the Christian community pushing me to take him back again. I want us to be happy but he keeps stepping out. What about self respect?

  19. I’ve counseled 1000s of Christian wives from all across America in our weeklong intensive counseling and I can say, you are right on n target.

  21. Yes ma’am let the Holy Spirit always guide us in all areas of our lives, even with sex in our marriage!! If you invite him into ur marriage bed, the bond & emotional intimacy between a husband & wife is a force never be reckoned with

  22. THANK YOU!!!! Sadly I relate to so much of your story & noone knows it. Now active in Church, reading the Bible & GOD’s DAILY help BOTH my husband & I are happy again. We have both changed through God’s love & my journey honestly started because of your Wives of the Bible study. It was AMAZING & showed me so much that I had forgotten over the years. My husband constantly told me I didn’t RESPECT him & I’d blow him off because I wasn’t thinkning in GOD’s definition of RESPECT. You have HIT it out of the ballpark again with your story & this blog. THANK YOU Jolene and keep letting GOD work through you because you are reaching many!

  23. Thank you so much for this post!!! While I would not read this book or go see the movie, it has been really easy for me to download erotic books onto my Kindle. God had convicted me recently that this is sin, and I deleted them all. I pray that God helps me to respect my husband, and I pray for my marriage. You are so right on that point!!! God Bless you!!

  24. “Or your intimacy and passion have died down because you’re too busy being mom, homemaker, career woman, or whathaveyou. Invest in your marriage more than these other roles.”

    Of all written, I believe this to be the most encouraging. When we lose focus of our priorities, intimacy suffers. Balance brings joy in and out of the bedroom!

  25. Hi Jolene!
    Came across your website through a friend that shared one of your posts. I loved everything about this post. I am guilty of the two reasons of why our intimacy and passion died down. I am not married yet, but I have been living with my partner for 5 years now. Our relationship does not seem to be the same anymore. And it is even harder to fix things now because we already have a daughter. I want to bring back my respect for my partner but I do not know how. It seems like all I see in him is all his weaknesses and failures and it makes me mad. I know, it sounds pathetic but I don’t know what to do anymore.

  26. It Al boils down to the age-old story, women just don’t know what they want, & when they get it, they don’t know it or appreciate it. They are conditioned to look fore something “more”. Men should run from these kind of wonen, and they are many.

  27. I have heard of this term “50 Shades Of Grey” numerous times but I still can’t figure out exactly what it means. Does this term mean a person has reached 50 years old and is well-advanced in age?
    Prayer is the key to true intimacy in marriage. Only when you pray, the Lord leads. It is with no doubt that trusting the Lord for guidance is an honour to Him in return.

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