Day 21: Can Sex-Driven Wives Be Godly Wives?
Missed some posts in this series? You can read them here.
I’m tempted to answer my own question, “You bet,” and leave it at that.
Yet I know the struggle that many Christian wives feel. I’ve felt it too. That sense that if you really enjoy sex with your husband…
If you desire, delve, and delight in sex…
If you even invite, initiate, and indulge in sex…
If you—heaven forbid!—mention aloud to other Christian wives how much you enjoy sex, then…
Maybe you’re not quite up to snuff on the disciple-o-meter. After all, how could you be so obsessed with the physical side of life when God is clearly only interested in the spiritual?
Unfortunately, the Church and its people have often blurred the lines between premarital purity and fully-endorsed-by-the-Father sex in marriage. Entire generations of women were raised in the church to believe that “good girls don’t” and, after marriage, “good girls do, but don’t want to.” The stigma remains in some circles that if you crave and revel in good sex with your husband, then you’re somehow lesser-than.
Here’s the biblical truth: God created you to be a sexual being, and God gifted marriage with the blessing of sexual intimacy.
God is not the least bit taken aback by a wife who loves having sex or even desires sex more than her husband. He’s commanded us to have sex (Genesis 2:24), and the Bible fully recognizes that we ladies have some sexual fire in us (see 1 Corinthians 7:3-9). God planted that desire and expects us to fulfill it in marriage.
Indeed, in Song of Solomon, a book of the Bible devoted to sexual intimacy, the woman eagerly invites her husband to make love to her. “Take me away with you—let us hurry! Let the king bring me into his chambers” (1:4); “Let my beloved come into his garden and taste its choice fruits” (4:16). And after the couple makes love, there is a part often attributed to “Friends,” but scholars now largely agree that the speaker is likely God Himself. In Song of Songs 5:1, God voices his approval: “Eat, friends, and drink; drink your fill of love.” In other words, chow down on the love feast, husbands and wives!
Moreover, we can look at how God created our body, the one He knitted together in our mother’s womb (Psalm 139:13). Here’s more proof that God’s on our side when it comes to wives and sex: the clitoris. For years, scientists assumed that the clitoris had some reproductive or functional use, so they studied and studied. And came up empty. Its whole purpose is female pleasure. Yep, the clitoris is a gift-wrapped present from God for married wives to experience arousal, pleasure, and climax.
Despite the evidence, however, many Christians intimate that high-drive wives are, well, weird. Like we’re an endangered species, or should be.
It’s still common to hear Christian wives complain about their husbands wanting sex too much, state that they undress or make love in the dark, or wish that the biblical obligation to have sex would just go away. Some women recognize the importance of sex in marriage, but only insofar as suggesting that wives comply and meet their husband’s needs, without regard to completely legitimate intimacy needs that wives have.
And those of us who really, really like and want sex feel like dodo birds…or maybe, let’s face it, sluts. Indeed, with my history of premarital promiscuity, it was difficult to oust this label even from my own mind and embrace instead the way God saw my marital intimacy—as right and good and honorable.
Even spiritual.
Yes, spiritual. Consider that Jesus’ spiritual commands have a physical manifestation:
- Love someone…by treating them as the Good Samaritan cared for the injured Jew
- Help others…by giving to the poor
- Serve others…by giving your time and resources to care for them
Our deeds demonstrate the maturity of our faith and love.
Likewise, God blessed marriage with a physical manifestation of relational and spiritual intimacy with your mate: It’s called sex. And there is nothing wrong with you wanting to grab hold of that blessing.
Proverbs 13:12 states that “a longing fulfilled is a tree of life.” God infused you with a longing for deep, physical intimacy with your mate. That doesn’t make you a flesh-crazed lunatic. It makes you the woman He made you to be. And He wants your marriage to fulfill that longing.
Meaning, find that husband and get busy, you godly woman!
Excellent post. This often a discussion that Christians don’t have, for the very reasons you mentioned. I think a part of the problem is the idea that God is only interested in the spiritual, which is just plain false. Throughout the Old and New Testaments, we are given instructions regarding our physical doings. One of the clearest examples of this is James 2-14: “Faith without works is dead.”
We are constantly reminded that our spiritual faith manifests itself in a physical way. The seed that fell on the good soil sprouted and grew strong plants; a tree is known to be good by its good fruit.
We know from these examples that God is not only interested in the spiritual. He made man with a body and He would not have done so without a purpose. He also promises that we will be given a new body in Heaven. Why bother if the physical isn’t important? The body, the physical aspects of our lives, are just as important as the spiritual.
Indeed, Catherine! Well-put. I believe that our physical bodies can live out what is in our spirit and heart — which I pray is the spirit and heart of Jesus.
Really really appreciate this post. 🙂 It drives me bonkers that so many Christian women see or hear the word “sex” and think it’s like saying a swear word or that it’s inappropriate to even discuss. I love that you point out God literally designed our female body for pleasure. What a glorious gift!
Thanks, Rosann! Great observation. I’m amazed at times when a woman actually whispers “sex,” like it can’t be spoken aloud. The world’s version of sex is tainted, but God’s gift of sex is still as pure and beautiful as He made it.
Thank you for this post! I’ve never struggled with guilt about my unusually high craving for sex with my husband, but I often do feel like maybe I’m a bit of a freak compared to other Christian female acquaintances… My husband reminds me that the “marriage bed is undefiled” when I start wondering why I seem to be different in this area. Why would Christ compare our relationship w/ Him to the intimacy between husband & wife if He frowned upon sex? And 1Peter gives us instruction on how to love this EARTHLY life… Why would God give us instruction on how to love life if people are correct in their idea that we aren’t supposed to enjoy any earthly pleasures? Of course He wants us to enjoy the various aspects of His creation (including each other’s bodies)! That only brings Him glory when we enjoy the things He created. It’s when those things become idols (more important than Him) or are used in the wrong timing (in this instance, before or outside marriage) that they are wrong.
Thank you for your honest & refreshing post on such an important and avoided subject. Can’t wait to read more of your posts.
Thank you, Dawn! I’m thrilled that this post spoke to where you are in your marriage. It does seem unbelievable at times that God compared his relationship to us in the same way as this one-flesh relationship of marriage that involves sexual intimacy. But marital intimacy has the potential for such feelings of connection and pleasure, that I think it mirrors what we will have with our Father someday in Heaven.
Great point about sex having the potential to become an idol. Of course, in its proper context, sex is a beautiful blessing and a very important facet of a good marriage. Blessings!
I love this. Not ashamed to admit that I have a healthy sex drive and my hubby and I are (generally) extremely satisfied in our sex life. It’s constantly a work in progress, of course–fighting my own selfishness–but we’re at a good place sexually. Our two best friends, a married couple, are people we can be completely open with, and the wife of this couple and I get a kick out of mentioning to each other how great our sex lives are. We don’t go into detail, of course, but we definitely encourage each other and cheer each other on. It’s a blessing to have a friend like that, and one who doesn’t freak out when sex comes up in the conversation! 🙂
Thank you for this… I have often spoken up in groups of women for the joy of a real sexual relationship in marriage, not just getting the job done for a man’s sake…and I have kind of gotten a wide eyed response most of the time! I was a virgin when I married and truly God woke up my desire when I met my husband.I have been hot for him ever since, and sex is better now than 17 years ago, because part of the fun is learning and making memories together. I never miss your blog and share it regularly…thank you for being a positive, fun, Godly voice for a great sexual relationship in marriage! And now, I am off to bed 🙂
I enjoyed this post very much–loved the author’s honesty. I recently posted on sex on my blog- a little different take than this one and found that people were hungry for Christian conversations about sex. Thanks so much! https://theblessednest.com/2013/10/11/prioritize-sex/
Love this post. My wife is undeniably sex-positive and high-drive, but even as someone whose ministry is encouraging intimacy within Christian marriage, I can see that she finds it difficult to admit publicly that she is wired the way she is and that she passionately enjoys sex, and a lot of it at that, for fear of alienating other women around her.
I whole-heartedly agree that we should not let the wonderful gift of sex go by the wayside. I think that many times, women stop having sex because they are busy, tired, overworked, etc. and eventually forget that it is supposed to be fun and pleasurable. I like that you mentioned Song of Solomon because this book definitely depicts what sex is supposed to look like. We should never be ashamed for enjoying something God created. Sex is not dirty. It has been perverted by the WORLD, and we should not fall victim to the perversions of the world :).
Love it! I think this is a serious issue for some. Like you said if talking about wanting your husband some people just look at you like you are crazy! Thank you for giving the reminder that God gave us this blessing!
I think this was a wonderfully written article. Something that I thought about after I read it was, I don’t feel like men have it a lot different than women in the church when it comes to this subject. If a Godly man says something like, “Sex with my wife is very important to me and to my marriage,” then he is often viewed as shallow and almost like a pervert. It seems that in many ways the church does not do a good job of teaching that sex within marriage is rich, that it is awesome, and that it is important and that we should enjoy it to it’s fullest! We need to change that in churches, we need to let people know that God wants us to have sex.
I don’t know for sure, but I suspect that if Christians understood that God wanted them to have hot, fulfilling sex lives and they started having hot, fulfilling sex lives, that maybe we would have more happy marriages in the church and that the divorce rate would come down in churches and that more marriages would become more affair-proof & more porno-proof. Something to think about, I believe.
I absolutely loved this read!
I absolutely love this post because I relate so much to it. My question is, what does a newly wedded christian wife(like me) with a God given high sex drive(like mine) do if her husband hasn’t got as high a sex drive?
When we got married, he had just started his Masters degree. We had a lot of tuition bills and after wedding bills to pay. The stress seemed to affect his sex-drive but it didn’t do anything for mine. How can I get him to have a high sex drive? Or should I wait for the stress to die down.
This is very unfortunate that you are finding out about this area of incompatibility after you married.
Life is always stressful, and as the years go by, it is likely his drive will not get any higher. He is just that way.
I was married for almost 30 years to a Christian man who was incompatible sexually with me. To put it in a genteel way, he got happy during sex bit I did not. Only after the marriage ended did I realize that I liked sex. I just did not like bad sex with him. Marriage is the appropriate place for wonderful sex. Our Christian ideal of waiting until you get married does not help us marry a person with whom we are compatible sexually. Lots of women do not have a high sex drive. That is a special gift you have been given, and I pray that you find a way to work this out.
Plain and simply put, this was an awesome post. I hope that the church can do better job of teach married couples that sex is awesome and that it is okay to enjoy it.