My flesh is weak. I have no problem admitting that.
I want to retreat when God calls me to move forward to do hard things for the Kingdom of God. Things that I’m not capable of doing. Things that scare me. Things that, well, make me want to hurl.
And although my heart says, “Here I am Lord, send me,” as Isaiah said, my flesh wants to run in the opposite direction just like Jonah did.
But the call is to follow Him.
Then Jesus said to His disciples, “If anyone desires to come after Me, let him deny himself, and take up his cross, and follow Me. Matthew 16:24
That verse doesn’t have a tagline to it that says….”but only if it feels good!” I know that’s wishful thinking, isn’t it?
I can fully see how my flesh gets in the way of what God is wanting to do in my life. When I think about my actions and fears, I see ugliness, self-centeredness, and pride masked in the form of insecurities, and then my heart just grieves because of this. If only I would just rest in Him and embrace the calling that He has for my life because when I do, I know the Spirit of God will manifest through me. I don’t know why I always wrestle with God on this because when His Spirit is manifesting in me, I’m always thriving. Duh! Oh, when will I learn?
But the manifestation of the Spirit is given to each one for the profit of all. 1 Cor. 12:7
So here’s my vomit moment #1:
I’ll be speaking at a women’s event in a few weeks. My spirit is ecstatic, but my flesh, well, it’s terrified. Any time I speak in public I turn beet red. My face is blazing hot and I’m covered in red blotches. In fact, I feel like Bob the Tomato from Veggie Tales! But it doesn’t matter if I’m speaking or if I’m just in front of a group of people because I still get all blotchy when I’m the center of attention. You can even see the red spots on my neck and shoulders in my wedding pictures! My doctor calls it a thyroid issue. I call it “I’m extremely uncomfortable with this!”
Vomit moment #2:
God has me writing a book. Wives of the Bible to be exact. I wrote a short series on this back in Oct. and now He has me adding to it and making it available on Amazon, Kindle, and such. As you may know, I don’t write because I enjoy it and I don’t have a dream of writing a book someday, I simply write because God has called me to the task.
Vomit moment #3
He’s growing this ministry. Again, I’m terrified by where He’s going to send me and I certainly don’t feel like I’m suited for the task! I know He’s birthing something new and He’s expanding the borders here. He’s taking me outside of my comfort zone and He’s going to be doing this a lot more often. He’s changing and shifting things and I feel COMPLETELY OUT OF CONTROL. I’m simply showing up and doing what He’s calling me to do. I’m merely the passenger here and He’s the driver. It’s crazy scary to my flesh, but my Spirit is going to relish in His presence!
“My grace is sufficient for you, for My strength is made perfect in weakness.” 2 Cor. 12:9
Because I love Him so, I’ve decided I’m going to follow Him because He’s worth denying myself for…and yes, even if that means I’m walking around with a queasy stomach and red blotches all over my face!
Live a poured out life for Christ,