Are You a Wife Who is Easy to Love?

206 Comments

1. Pingback: The Day When I Didn’t Like How My Husband Was Leading Our Home

2. Thank you so much for this post. I’ve been having a hard time getting past myself and being there for my husband. These are the exact words that i needed. The Spirit works in powerful ways. Thank you. I might be reading this every day till it becomes a habit.

   1. Abigail,
      I’m so blessed to hear that this has helped you pinpoint your struggle! Yes, developing these habits will certainly make a difference in your marriage. 🙂

   2. This is the most ridiculous article i have read in a long time. If your husband respects you, listens to you, shows his love for you, if he makes you happy, then (and only then) does he deserve your respect. Only if you are equally yoked will your relationship flourish. Love is about two people submitting to and respecting each other, that’s what love is.

      1. couldn’t agree more. there should be equal respect & submitting.

         1. Camille, I completely agree!
            I’m not married yet, but I am in a relationship and sometimes it’s easy to fall into the selfish habit of thinking that he doesn’t deserve for me to be sweet and show him respect.
            However, he does have a lot of things that go on in his mind at times, and it’s a struggle.
            I have to [HAVE TO] remember that Jesus loves ME when I don’t deserve it, and I should do the same to him.
            And the wonderful, BEAUTIFUL thing I’ve come to realize is:
            when I start being sweet and loving and respectful to him, even when he “doesn’t deserve it”, he starts treating me the same.
            And the more he does the same, the more I want to do MORE.
            And it builds so perfectly.
            It’s hard sometimes. I’m only getting a taste of that. But we don’t fight fire with fire. The best way to help is just by loving (through ACTIONS). That helps more than selfishness ever could. 🙂

      2. Becca and Deborah, and others who disagree with this blog article,
         Does God stop loving and respecting us because we sin? We all at some time in our lives hate God, abuse God, disrepsect God, etc, you name it. Regardless of what we say or do, God STILL LOVES US UNCONDITIONALLY and respects us-if He didn’t-we all would be dead. I understand that in marriages where the husband is abusive, or there is no love or respect coming from the husband, that this is harder to hear or accomplish, BUT God understands that, AND that does not mean we should despise ,hate or disrespect our husbands. Remember GOD STILL LOVES THEM in spite of their sin-whatever that may be- and I may add from personal experience that praying for your husband is a small way to respect them, I know when I struggle with respecting my husband because I dont feel like he deserves it, I pray for him and myself as well.
         Thank you for being vunerable Jolene in posting this article. Taleitha

      3. Enjoy your 20 cats…

      4. @ Becca -So, in other words, conditional. Guess what? None of us, husbands or wives, deserve respect. We don’t deserve flowers, or dates, or great sex, or a good meal when we get home. What we deserve is hell. We should commit to showing each other grace, as God has been gracious to us. I am saddened to see people mocking this post. The same principles apply to husbands as well, she just happens to be addressing wives.

   3. OR you could actually be your OWN person and love yourself as well! AUTHENTICITY! If you don’t have it, you are doomed for further depression…. WAKE UP ladies of faith. This is absolute mullarkey (for your virgin ears)…… BE yourself! This stuff is unbelievable. BRAIN WASHING at it’s finest. And you are perpetuating it, Jolene. I can hear the heartache in your writing. You don’t believe a word………..

      1. Everyone is entitled to their opinions, and as such everyone shall be judged for them in time. However, it is absolutely and absurdly wrong for you to pass judgements on others. You are not, nor will you ever be the Lord. Your nastiness hurts my heart for you, you know not what you do. My “virgin ears” and I will pray for your hurtful comments.
         Jolene,
         Thank you for putting this article up. I felt I could put those scriptures to other parts of my life, and not just within my marriage. Thank you for lifting me up on the start of the new year!

      2. Beth Houston Im sorry why are you reading this anyways…..U visited this site why? She didnt ask you to read or click her link. PS I almost lost my husband bc of being my own self… Your husband should love you just as much but EVERYDAY life and SATAN tend to get in the way sometimes. Perfect is CHRIST not man/women. The more I loved my husband instead of myself My Marriage is the best its ever been and growing stronger in GODs word. Bitterness leads to loneliness and astray. So Jolene as a WIFE And Mother keep bringing me JOY everyday. Some of us never had a Godly up bringing to understand Gods way of Marriage and Love.

      3. That depends…if ‘being myself’ means spitting out something nasty because I had a rough day or leaving my crap lying around just because I don’t feel like picking it up, then yes, I need to focus on someone other than myself! This article is obviously NOT referring to an abusive situation, but a situation in which both partners want to follow Christ and live His life.

      4. One question – have you tried it?
         You cant comment if you are too scared to try it.

   4. Don’t let the negative comments deter you Jolene! You are giving the BIBLICAL truth and there are many who need and want to hear it! I love your blog and your writing style and what you write has indeed helped me greatly, I thank God for you, He is using you, you can never please everyone! Focus on the ones you are helping! <3

   5. This is the most disgusting post I have ever read in a blog. This is so sad.

      1. I guess us wives just want to be ‘easy’, to submit, and no have no voice or backbones for ourselves.

         1. What she is saying is that the Bible states that a woman should submit to her husband but it also says that the husband should submit to the wife. It says nothing about a woman submitting as a slave to a slaveowner to where the wife is stepped all over. THAT is NOT the correct use of that word. If you go to an older version of the dictionary (Webster 1828), it shows the definition of humbling yourself to your husband or wife.

         2. Listen, here. Submitting is not giving in. It is putting away selfish desires to commit yourselves to your husband. Christ loved the church so much he SUBMITTED Himself–sacrificed Himself–to save it. Our husbands are to do the same. It is a sacrificial, unconditional love on BOTH parts. Why can’t women understand this? We are not beneath our husbands, but our husbands are not beneath us. It is an equal submission process.

      2. The words ‘submit’ and ‘obey’ are hard to swallow, especially as they are often used today. The Bible is very clear that we should not submit to sin…so, in this case, that would be, we should not quietly submit to abuse. However, it does encourage us to bless without the recipient having ‘earned’ that kindness, just the same as Christ blessed us and gave His life for us without us having earned it. There’s a difference.

3. Me finding this blog was not by chance these words certainly blessed me and will help me. this is the biggest struggle in my marriage and this blog will be a permanent reminder on what type of wife i need to be. thank you

   1. Praise the Lord, Jessica! So glad to hear that God has helped your marriage. 🙂

      1. My husband would LEAVE me if I were this wet noodle. I can’t imagine this helps ANY marriage…..best to you ALL.

         1. I’m not a “wet noodle” and I do follow these Biblical principles. My husband and I have a great respect for one another and a fantastic marriage that will last.

            Why do you find it necessary to say such mean, rude things?

            1. Cause she knows she’s going to die alone. Many women could learn a thing or two from this article…

4. This post truly disturbs me. “respect your husband even when he doesn’t deserve it” I’m sorry but respect must be earned. Are you saying that no matter what he does ie. beats, cheats ect he still deserves respect? “submit” what century are we living in ladies? Sick, just sick. This sends the idea that we are nothing without our husbands and I’m much more than just a wife. I respect my husband because he respects me. No man wants a door mat ladies, at least not one worth having.

   1. I believe that she wasn’t talking about extreme cases such as beating and cheating to show respect, because that will definitely alter your respect for you husband.
      “Submit” I think she was talking more along respect. Marriage is two way, but the male and female have different roles. You have to let him take the lead of his role instead of trying to play both husband and wife (some woman have a tendency to do that). I think that is what she meant by “submit”.
      I do agree with you though, respect is a two way thing and it does need to be earned. However, some of the smaller things like not hearing his point of view, knocking him down in front of other people, calling him crude names–that is disrespectful. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you” that is what I think of when I think of respect. Sometimes it can even be an offensive word or sentence that TO HIM feels disrespectful.
      Just trying to help you understand her point of view better, not meant to cause contention or make you frustrated. I hope this helped you understand her idea better though! 🙂 Have a great day!

      1. Actually, if you follow the link she provides for “whether he deserves it or not,” you will find that she is talking about things like cheating and beating. I think that is really why so many women find this sentence disturbing. I know we are supposed to turn the other cheek, but I do not think that God would ever want one of his daughters to remain in a relationship where she is being broken apart. We have an obligation to ourselves as a temple of the Holy Spirit to protect ourselves, and our children. Perhaps if she had not taken such an extreme position of “stay with him at all costs,” but I understand that she feels that is what faith calls women to do.

         1. I never advocate cheating and beating in marriage.
            https://joleneengle.com/what-does-the-bible-say-about-abuse-in-marriage/
            https://joleneengle.com/whats-a-wife-to-do-when-a-husband-wants-her-to-participate-in-sexual-sin/

   2. I actually think we’ve totally misuse the word “respect”. The biblical commands for a woman to love her husband is unconditional, just like the command for him to love us is. They shouldn’t have to ‘earn’ our respect, just like we shouldn’t have to ‘earn’ their love. The question really is…what is respect? It is allowing husbands to behave however they’d like and treat us like doormats. Absolutely not. A great book that finally helped me understand what respect really is was “Love and Respect” by Emerson Eggerlich. I’d suggest it for anyone who struggles with this biblical concept.

      1. Yes Love and Respect is an amazing book and explains HOW we show respect to our husband and how a husband shows love to his wife. Respecting your husband is a COMMAND from God not a suggestion.

   3. Stephanie, don’t listen. You obviously know better! These women need HELP!!!!!!!! I can’t even eat after reading this stuff……….. I can even now TASTE the sadness in their words. SAD SAD SAD women. Archaic religion doesn’t give a crap about women’s feelings. Those days are gone…………thank you LORD! Look to the Buddha for your sanity…….

      1. Just a question Beth Are you Married….How Long if so. How long if not. Can you read my happiness…..Its a life with Jesus and clearly you are still commenting to these posts looking for an answer. I pray as you keep reading you will find someone who can give you the answers and the one you want to SUBMIT to . Its an AMAZING LOVE! Look up. He will give u any answer you need.

      2. If you have no encouraging words in you, please go to a hate blog to post your words. It seems to me this one has already decided to go a more uplifting route. Joshua 24:15 As for me and my house, we will serve the Lord.” As for you and yours…that will be called out on judgement day. Blessings.

5. I kind of just want to clarify something; I do believe that respect is earned, but to a certain amount, as it says in the scriptures “let each wife respect her husband”. Us women have a great tendency to push and only get our point across and don’t want to hear what our men have to say, because we think we are right. But by listening to him and trying to understand, that is respect and what you would want him to do for you. “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” Men want to be love, cared for, and respected, just like women. When they cheat, when they beat…I believe that is different and your respect level can and will alter. Your husband is the leader of the house, so treat him as though he is. Remember when your father made a decision in your home, did you ever argue with your father? Your husband should be the same way. Consult him, talk to him about your issues and if you have showed him respect he will in turn show you the same amount. BOTH of you run the house, BOTH of you raise the children, BOTH of you are in this marriage together, that means you HAVE TO WORK TOGETHER, but remember you BOTH have different roles in the home.
   So many woman have such issues with once they get married they don’t have to try anymore. News flash for you; you better try harder. Put your feet in your husbands shoes. He has been at work all day, and wants to come home and unwind, but then he thinks of his home (wife in sweats, hair uncombed, no make-up, the house is a mess, no dinner on the table, ect) would you want to come home to that? I sure wouldn’t. Make your house a place your husband WANTS to come home too. My mother always made sure the house was clean before my Papi came home. She would freshen up her make-up, have dinner hot and ready (if my Papi was late, we waited to eat), and she would greet him at the door with a hug and kiss. She made a home that he wanted to come home too. Submit may have been the “wrong word”, but the reason she used it was because it was in the scriptures. I took the word submit as honor or respect. Be the woman that he is proud of and he will want to sweep you off your feet, he will want to rush home as soon as he’s done with work, he will want you. But if you make it hard for him to love you, he doesn’t know what to do and turns away.

   1. What about women who work? How is it fair that I should work an eight hour shift and be expected to have perfect make-up, a clean house, and dinner on the table. Reality check, Lesley: WOMEN WORK, TOO. I’m glad you have a rich hubby who “lets” you stay at home and take care of Timmy and Sally all day, but some of us live in the real world where both parties have to work.

      1. The Biblical directive for a husband to love his wife and a wife to respect and submit to her husband applies whether the wife works outside the home, the husband does, or both of them do. The roles God has given husband and wife are the same, although with adaptions because every couple is different. Each couple has to determine for themselves what expectations they need to meet. And it’s not always a “rich” hubby whose wife stays home. I know many, many couples, including my parents, who live on a modest, single income (my dad is a teacher at a small school), and the mother still stays home (my parents chose to homeschool me and my siblings).

         1. And you wonder why women are smartening up and “leaving” religion??????????? OH MY!

      2. My hubby isn’t rich and I stay home. We make sacrifices, you could too if you chose that way. But most women that stay home don’t feel like the “other kind of woman” is wrong for working. Why don’t you relax and speak with your husband about your situation if you want out of working? I am sure you two work through who takes care of the house. Hope you get some rest, it sounds as though you need it! When we trust God in marriage it really isn’t as hard as we make it. I think it is so sad to hear so many get on the feminist band wagon as soon as someone says we need to submit to someone else. “they need to earn it” is the immediate cry. Well no one does need to earn it… I certainly did not earn one bit of love or acceptance from My Lord and Savior as he purchased my soul on the cross. That is the true meaning behind respect/submission. Our marriages bring glory to God. Husbands treat wives the way Jesus treated us….Gives his life… we in turn give our lives back to our husband and Jesus. Skip the abuse excuse unless it is happening to you or a friend. Then get them out of the abuse… Stop using it as an excuse for you not to be respectful to your NON ABUSIVE husband.

   2. I’m not as upset as Kristie, but I do think the author and the commenters are taking for granted that wives don’t work outside the home. Many of us do – whether by choice or by necessity – and marriage can look very different when that is the case (as it should).

      1. Proverbs 31:24 – She makes linen garments and sells them; she delivers sashes to the merchant.
         The bible gives us this example for a wife who does work outside the home but doesn’t neglect her purpose inside the home. I agree it might look different for every family, but we should still keep the interests of our home first and if that means trimming the budget so we only have to work part time or make some sacrifice of our time elsewhere so we can work full time but still accomplish things in our home then that’s what we should be considering

         1. Amen!!

      2. I am MORE upset than Kristie. Get real.

         1. Beth,
            I pray the Lord surrounds you and Kristie with understanding, peace and love.

   3. Thank you so much for writing this, Lesley. I really needed a reminder of exactly what you said. I stay at home with our kids and it’s so easy to do exactly that…be in sweats, messy house, kids screaming, no dinner ready, etc. You are so right, though! Why would he want to come home to that? Granted, it will happen occasionally- bad days are bound to happen, but that should be the exception, not the norm. Thanks again for posting your comment. Definitely something I need to be reminded of regularly! 🙂

6. Is this a joke? “Give your husband respect, whether he deserves it or not” and “Submit to him?” I’m sorry, but it’s not the 1950s. I give respect to those who deserve it. If you don’t respect me, I don’t respect you. Why on earth would I want to submit to my husband? We are in an equal partnership; there is no submitting of any kind by either of us.

   If you wonder why women of bygone eras were so unhappy, it was because they listened to advice like this. I have to question if you were transplanted here from a previous century. It saddens me to see how many people are following your advice. Your point of view truly sickens me.

   1. What is the matter with you? Do you believe in God or the scriptures at all? Have you read the bible?

      1. What’s the matter with me? Oh, the irony. Yes, I have read the bible. However, I think it’s just a bunch of stories written thousands of years ago by people whose lives have no relevance to the modern reader whatsoever. If you find comfort in it; fine. It’s not for me to criticize a person’s religion. However, I know plenty of Christians who would look at this website and think “Wow, this is really backward.” I found this via Pinterest, and it got me so fired up that I had to respond.

         This site is so over-the-top that at first I thought it was satirical. I don’t understand why any modern-day woman would choose to accept such ideas.

         1. There is a very interesting book out called Love and Respect. It does a wonderful job of illustrating, much better than I will be able to state here, that a woman needs love but a man needs respect. It is really eye opening when you see the examples and cases that are sighted, because everyone will relate with the couples or know folks like them. When a man feels respected he naturally will give back love. When a woman feels loved she will give back respect to the one who loves her. Now, of course there are exceptions out there that will not fit the norm.

            As for wives working… Even those that stay at home work, full time. In our 23 years of marriage we have made huge sacrifices so I could stay home and homeschool our three kids. (Two are now in college and one is 16) I can assure you… I work full time… a full 16 hours a day. There is nothing in the article that would not apply to women who work outside of the home, or those that work inside the home. Jolene does not say anything about the outwork look of a wife. She is writing about the heart condition.

            1. I have been so encouraged and convicted by the book “Love and Respect”! Your experience sounds like my parents; my mom homeschools (my youngest sibling, age 14, is the only one left at home; my brother and I are in college), and my dad works outside the home. You are so right about what Jolene was writing. 🙂

         2. What’s wrong with the idea of treating people the way you want people to treat you? Please, don’t be so closed minded to not see relevance in the bible to our life today. There is so much guidance for us in God’s word. May God bless you!

         3. I am a christian and reading this article made me cringe! If anything I wear the pants in my marriage (not because I am a total B*tch but because that is what works for my husband and I) I run my own business from home and I work just as hard as my husband. Granted housework and such is not exactly 50/50 (I do the majority of it) but I do require to pitch in. Ladies, we have to adapt what the Bible has told us into our times and not live in another era.

            1. So you stone adulterers and follow food laws like no pork or shellfish?

            2. Well, a clay pot is a lifeless object without a brain, so…..?
               Ok. Got it. Don’t use you brain?

            3. Jolene,

               I, like other commenters, found your Web site through Pinterest. I applaud you for fulfilling such a stereotypical, dutiful, christian wife role (I mean, if all the other heathen females won’t fulfill their “god-given” obligations of making sandwiches all day and popping out babies left and right, then someone has to, right? Thanks for the sacrifice.). After skimming through your site and reading your other articles on the silly idea of “submission,” (who knew christian ladies were so into BDSM? You kinky little kittens.) I’ve found that at the very least, you are consistent and you do interpret the Bible to the best of your ability (which is certainly not the best). Having said that, I find it funny that you think you can just spit out these random Bible verses from Sunday School to fit your argument. You state them as a fact (I guess because you really do think that the Bible is a factual book, unfortunately.). However, you fail to acknowledge that you are using a TRANSLATION of the Bible. It appears that your version of Isaiah 45:9 is of the New Living Translation; however, I may be wrong. The Bible that you quote so well is not the original Bible. The meanings from the NLT and other English translations are notorious for being inaccurate in translation from the original Hebrew writings of the Old Testament, and likewise for the mainly Greek writings of the New Testament. Also, Isaiah is from the Old Testament, as you surely know. Do you follow all the laws of the Old Testament? Or just the ones that suit your fancy? Or do you have some amusing justification/interpretation that lets you slide around the verses you don’t prefer? Because if you have REALLY read the Bible like you think you have then there are certainly plenty of verses that you admit make no sense, are hypocritical, or harmful in general.

               Finally, like Bonnie, I find it funny that christians can identify with lifeless, brainless objects like clay pots. Just because a clay pot doesn’t proclaim that its maker is clumsy or stupid or wrong, doesn’t mean that the maker is graceful or intelligent or right. It means that the clay pot is an INANIMATE OBJECT, duh. Such a sad, little life you must live. (I can already hear you responding, “B-b-b-b-butttttt, I am awesome, ‘cuz Jesus and stuff!!)

         4. Scripture holds true today just as it did thousands of years ago. God gives us guidlines for how a wife and husband should behave in a marriage and how to make it the best possible one. We can’t pick and choose what we are going to follow or not even if we don’t like it or feel that someone doesn’t derserve our respect. Also working outside of the home makes no difference either. A man is the head of his household and his wife is his help mate. God put it this way because someone has to take responsibility during the good and the bad times in the marriage and answer to God when they get to heaven. I’m always so amazed at how women and some men respond to this topic. It does not make a woman a doormat if she submits to her husband, but it also doesn’t make the husband bigger than he really is just because his wife chooses to defer to him. Don’t get this confused people. I have worked outside of the home and in the home. My husband has worked in and out of the home also. We have children and I have been blessed for 25 years of marriage to my husband where I have chosen to submit to him as he has to the Lord.

         5. It is quite interesting that those who do not believe anything that was written here, who may find it all so offensive, who believe that the Bible is just stories, who even think that the Bible was written with the command “take this and adapt it as you will”, spend time even being on this site and reading the words posted here. Thank you Jolene for staying so true to the word of God. Those of you who disagree can find other blogs to follow I am sure. Those of us still here will continue to pray for you all.

      2. What is the matter with YOU?? HAve you read that MAN put the bible together? What about Mary Magdelene? Book of Thomas?? DO your research and see what bull crap these “horny, power-hungry, disrespectful men” you have married. You are no better than the Muslim faith which you all scoff at.

   2. Thank you for being you! I can’t stand this notion that I need to hold my husband’s hand and coddle him so that he feels “manly” enough to be a good husband. He should be a good husband because he decided to marry me and be a husband! That means being an equal partner in the household. I give my husband respect because he is worthy of it, and the same goes for him in regards to me. I have to laugh at these types of things because if I didn’t I may cry.

      1. Corey, do you never need your husband to tell you he loves you? He did it once why would he need to do it ever again? The core of a man needs respect just as a woman needs to know she is loved. It really isn’t about who does the household chores, come on! It is about sacrificing yourself for one another. Marriage isn’t meant as a business venture. It is first and foremost to bring Glory to God! Jesus sacrificed himself for us. When one accepts the Bible they are accepting Jesus’ words and his standards, he isn’t trying to make it hard but has laid out the best way to live. Since the feminist movement in the 60’s women have gotten everything they wanted and guess what surveys show women are less happy now than before. God has the best way to live. He loves us and isn’t trying to force the rules on us. There are lots of different ways women live their lives out in the Bible. It doesn’t look like the picture of 1950. There are hardworking women, you will answer only to God in the end. I hope you will consider His ways for your sake.

   3. Um, do you know anything about the 1950s? Read the Feminine Mystique for a start. Happiness is so relative; there is no way to know if women were happier bevause there is no standard measure for happiness. Claiming you can measure happiness across people and decades is absurd. Do some reading on information gathering, polls and quantitative vs. qualitative why you are at it.

      1. So the Feminine Mystique is correct in every way? If we don’t subscribe to the ideas in this book we are ignorant? God gives us joy which is true happiness, you will never know this unless you experience it for yourself. It takes an open heart, are you willing?
         Polls and info gathering are nothing compared to the peace and happiness you will find in Christ.

         1. So why did you cite a poll? If it doesn’t mean anything, why bring it up in the first place.

            The Feminine Mystique shows, through interviews with women, that many felt unhappy. You can’t argue against how they felt. That poll proves certain people feel unhappy now. But since happiness is so subjective that poll is invalid; it’s hard to compare happiness in different people.

            Bringing God into this makes no sense. You were talking about a poll and the 1950s. God has nothing to with either of those. I didn’t mention God because I was talking about history and statistics. So don’t assume I don’t know God because I was discussing different concepts.

   4. I completely agree with you Kristie! My jaw literally hit the floor when I read this; as did my husbands when I read it to him. A relationship needs to be a 50/50 partnership; not a dictatorship. I can not even begin to imagine a relationship where either partner “submits”, or respect is given because it is the “right thing to do”. Respect should be a mutual aspect in every relationship. I respect my husband, and he respects me!
      This blog entry sounds like a dominatrix scene from the book 50 shades of Grey… I truly pity women who live to these words!

   5. Just be aware that the type of woman the Bible holds up as a positive example is strong. When someone says that it’s a woman’s responsibility to provide a welcoming and pleasant home, that does not mean that it is not a shared responsibility or that she cannot poke her nose beyond the picket fence! A husband is to treat his wife with the love that Christ loved His church with…He died for his church! I don’t see anyone screaming that that isn’t a fair or modern or relevant statement! I personally know many women who live this life. Many of them work outside the home. None of them are doormats. And in the few cases where the guy was not living up to his half of the bargain, the wife was by no means a doormat…she continued to be good/kind/loving/respectful towards him…because of who SHE was, not because he ordered her to do anything. In one case that I know of, that meant she left him and took the children with her. (He was abusive due to an illness that he refused to medicate for.) That didn’t stop her from honouring him as was appropriate to the situation. This isn’t about 1950s ‘everything looks perfect’ stuff. This is about a relationship with God, and how the way you treat others shouldn’t be predicated on how they treat you. It should be based on how you choose to treat them.

      So please don’t hurl abusive words when you don’t properly understand what you are reading.

   6. Wrong. Love is submission. Unconditional love is putting away selfish desires to LOVE your spouse anyway. That is submitting to God’s will rather than your own. You are submitting to your husband in that you are submitting to love him. Your husband is to do the same–submit to you. Sacrifice for you. They’re commanded to love the wife as Christ loved the church. Christ submitted Himself–sacrificed Himself–for the church. Equal, biblical submission is the key to a happy marriage. I’m sorry you are missing out. It’s so nice knowing my husband would do anything–absolutely, positively, without-a-doubt ANYTHING–in this world for me. I’m sure he feels the same about me.

   7. Thank you! You said exactly what I was thinking, Kristie.
      I came across this blog from a Pinterest post and was curious. Now my jaw is dropped in disbelief that women still think like this. Submission? Wow!

7. Saw someone of fb making fun of this picture. I for one am glad they did. I now have a new blog to read up on. I actually like your post. I think it is important to follow God’s word in marriage. I find that when I do I am happier IN my marriage. I just want to point out that I do work outside the home. The more I respect my husband and let him be our leader the more my hubby wants to help and give back to the marriage, which makes for a happy couple. 😉

   1. Robin,
      You have it figured out. That is God’s plan. The nicer we are to people, the nicer they will be to us.

   2. LOL that is so right! We are soo happy when we follow Gods Ways!

8. Wow. I can’t believe all the negative comments on this post. I think this goes to show why divorce is so prevalent in the world. I know I’m flawed as is my husband but that doesn’t give me any right to batter/disrespect my husband. If I disrespect him then he has the right to disrespect me, is that what we really want? I’m glad my husband gives me respect and love even when I don’t deserve it (ie. I’m in a bad mood, I’ve had a long day, Ive had enough of dealing with the kids). I don’t think the author of this blog is saying to be door mats she’s just giving us some pointers of what we can do to better ourselves. Are we really being Christlike when we demand respect to give respect in return? This is so far off from what Christ has taught us by example. When the savior was being nailed on the cross suffering for our sins and mistakes did he strike those men down with his power? No the savior said “forgive them Father. They know not what they do.” Do we give people the same? ESPECIALLY our spouses? The second most important relationship in our lives next to God. I commend the author of this article. Thank you for pointing out the things we can do to better out relationships. God bless your marriage and family.

   1. You are right on Natasha! I hope others will read your post. The negative comments are coming from those who don’t believe the Bible to be true. There fore they can only see through the eyes of an unbeliever. Scripture says it will be foolishness to them. One person said they laugh at women like us so that they don’t cry. I cry everyday when I see how far from Biblical values and Jesus Christ women have come. (sad to say even some who believe the Bible) I appreciate that you wrote about the sole focus of life and that is what Jesus accomplished on the Cross. He was unselfish, he was loving kind and good. That is what he asks us to become. Especially to those closest to us!

   2. Thanks Natasha, that was needed to be said, and after reading all of the negitive comments it was nice to see support for the author.

9. I personally think this is a great post. It really helped me to become a better me whether its with my husband or not. Simply because these tips help to build a better me so that i can become a more pleasant person to be around. ill admit, i have a habit of talking back with attitude and snapping back…so these little tips will remind me of the person i want to be.

10. I think that this post is insightful. I work full time, and am getting married. Already have I noticed that my fiance, and I take on two different roles when I am at his house. We have already discussed that because he will always make more money than me, that his income goes to pay the bills and mine to the support finances. That doesn’t make me feel inferior. He doesn’t enjoy coming home to a house that is full of clutter, dust, dirt, and no groceries. So I make sure his house is clean, his laundry is done, and he has food in the fridge. That doesn’t make me feel inferior. I am taking care of him. And by working so hard to pay for the car payment, mortgage, and utility bills- he is taking care of me. We differ in how we were raised, so we disagree on certain household things – but ultimately I let him have his way. And when/if it’s wrong- I do it my way. There is nothing inferior, or weak about that. Sometimes giving in to someone isn’t the same as giving up your own personal and internal freedom. Those of you who are attacking the subject of this post completely missed the point. The point was simple: become more like Christ in order to be easier to love. That isn’t hard.

    1. Amen!

    2. If he doesn’t like things messy, why can’t he clean them? If you both work, why are you also responsible for all the housework?

       1. Isn’t it the least I can do when he pays ALL the bills?

       2. You are focused on some sort of contractual agreement, it is because she loves her husband she takes care of things, she is being unselfish, much like Christ was unselfish when he died on the cross to remove our sins (one of which is selfishness). He asks us to love him in return. That isn’t so hard seeing that he died when we did nothing to deserve it. So you see Marriage reflects Gods relation ship with us and gives more Glory to Him. You aren’t selfish, he isn’t selfish, then it starts to go round and round and we become happy. It is a labor of love.

11. Wow… is the year almost 2013 or are we stuck somewhere in the past. This article is so disrespectful to women and ignorant in general I am in shock. This is a prime example of what is wrong with male dominated organized religion and the small minded people who blindly follow. The type of husband described does not deserve or desire a wife. He wants a slave who blindly follows his lead… truly sickening. Gwen asked “Have you read the bible?” I ask do you know how many times the bible has been rewritten through out history by various churches as a means to control and manipulate people? How many hundreds of years were the scriptures passed person to person orally before being recorded. I challenge you to play the telephone game for one day and tell me how accurate those scriptures are… not to mention that they were written by men. Thank you for reaffirming my in agnosticism.

    1. Tara, we all live in 2013, where are you getting that any of this is slavery, male dominated or small minded. I find it quite interesting that you can tout off about small mindedness and blindly following when you obviously listen to what ever is floating about out there about the “rewritten Bible” and the oral pass down. I could post some sites but you would say “right how can we believe they are true” but you listen to anything that tickles your ears and fits your narrative. Your whole post just regurgitates the mantra of many disproved lies.

    2. Tara,

       Everyone is definitely entitled to their own opinion, so if you don’t believe in or respect the Bible that is totally your choice. However, if you do not believe in God, it doesn’t really make sense for you to take the time to not only read an article on how to be a more Christ-centered woman in a relationship, but to also bash that article. If you want to take charge in your relationship and choose to not allow your husband to be the leader of your house, then just search for a man that needs you to tell him what to do. But if you want a real man who can guide your family down the right path and be the final decision maker, then he MUST be respected. Never in this article does it say for a man to disrespect or dominate a woman. It suggests for him to love his wife and put her up on a pedestal like a queen. But in order for that to work, the wife must treat the man like a king. Coming from my unbelieveably happy relationship of 6 1/2 years, I suggest trying a new approach and respecting a man instead of demasculating him.

12. Hey, so this submitting thing must be reevaluated with a historical note. In first timothy it says: “Let a woman learn in silence with full submission. I permit no woman to have authority over a man; she is to keep silent. For Adam was formed first, then Eve; and Adam was not deceived, but the woman was deceived and became a transgressor. Yet she will be saved through childbearing, provided they continue in faith and love and holiness, with modesty. (1 Tim 2:11-15 NRSV)” The big thing here is not that woman should learn in submition, but that she should learn at all, and lead in what she has learned.

    1 Timothy is a personal letter written by Paul to his coworker Timothy in Ephesus. The letter was intended to address specific problems that Timothy was encountering at the church in Ephesus, namely, false teachers. False teaching was clearly Paul’s primary concern in writing the letter because he jumps immediately into the issue at the beginning of the letter instead of giving his normal thanksgiving, and it remains his main concern throughout the remainder of the letter. Unlike many of Paul’s letters, his letter to Timothy was addressed to Timothy, rather than to the church, providing additional weight to the problem facing the church at Ephesus.

    In the context of this letter which is concerned with false teaching Paul writes, “women, learn in silence with full submission.” Teaching women was not common in Paul’s day. These women, according to Paul, were unlearned in the faith, so it was probable that they could have been advancing false teaching. It seems likely that (in verses 11-12) Paul is referring to the way in which learning required submission to a teacher. It appears that there was tension or conflict during the worship (1 Tim 2:8), and it is possible that women may have contributed to the disruptive worship (1 Tim 2:12), which is why Paul would call for submission.

    When Paul writes that the “woman was deceived and became a transgressor,” he is not claiming that the fall resulted because a woman assumed authority over a man, but that false teaching led to transgression. This brings us back to the focus on false teaching that heavily occupies the letter to I Timothy. Paul is concerned with the behavioral results of this false teaching.

    The strange verse that women will be saved through childbirth makes more sense in light of the context of Artemis worship. The Artemis cult was popular in Ephesus at the time (see Acts 19:28-37). Artemis was a fertility goddess and protector of women. Paul is claiming that women do not need to look to Artemis to protect them through childbirth, but to Christ.

    This all being said, if it were up to my future husbands “leadership” we wouldn’t be going to church, we wouldn’t be active believers, and we wouldn’t be praying each night together. I can say that when it comes to spirituality I am the more active one because I have had more teaching and training (I’m a Theo and Philosophy double major). So in those cases, NO I shouldn’t submit to him. Submition is not respect, it is submition in and of itself. It is an action that condones certain ideas, and if I submit when he decides to be misogynistic (which the first century church was definitely not, and which God did not intend), or when he decides to be ungodly, I am condoning those actions and that is something I cannot do. That doesn’t mean I disrespect him, or love him less, or am not caring and gentle in my words towards him.

    Thus I think you should revise this post and any other posts where you have condoned submition as a womanly action, it is an action for all of us to take when we don’t know better (as in – in the awe of God we submit), but not partial to one sex. Thanks, Godbless.

    1. This is the only post that makes sense to me.

13. Wow! It saddens me to read so many negative posts. Maybe that is what’s wrong with our country. I thought your article had great advice for becoming a better person– the kind of person others (not just your husband) can enjoy being around. There are no mistakes in the Bible. God has plainly spelled out how each one of us are supposed to live our lives. Thank you Jolene for the reminder.

    1. I completely agree. This post is right on biblically and in terms of what is true about men and women. Thank you Jolene for writing it. It is sad to see how far the church and Christians have strayed from God’s Word and would prefer to believe what our godless society has to say about women and men and marriage rather than the God who created us.

    2. 🙂

14. This is great, Thank You! I was married young. We were 18 & 19. We’ve been married for 10 years. There are ups and downs for sure. But throught it all you have to be possitive, giving & loving even when you dont want to. You have to remember you are eachothers best friend. Marriage is sacred & i think we all forget that when times get hard or we think about our selfes. The lord will help you rise up together when you keep him in your marriage.

15. Great read!

16. My husband and I have had a rough marriage. This is what I needed to read. I have a long hard road ahead of me, but I know in the end it’ll be worth it. Thank You

    1. Tiffany – I read this blog and the comments with alot of interest and mixed feelings. I typically try not to comment but when I came to your comment I had to respond. I watched my mother follow these Godly principles, even when it was a hard road like you say. It was one of the greatest gift she gave me, because I can honestly say IT WILL BE WORTH IT. I saw what it did for her marriage and the incredible man that it made my father. And then I watched it again with my sister and her husband. It is a hard road, I have watched it, but it is sooooo worth it. Saying a prayer for you as you walk your road, just wanted to encourage you.

17. Pingback: Defending Biblical Womanhood and Submission

18. Don’t women deserve respect as well as men? I am upset that you wrote that only men need and deserve respect.

    1. Why do you think that women don’t deserve respect… of course they do. God is asking you to give your husband respect, doesn’t everyone deserve respect? of course. Men are commanded to love their wives too. Are you asking the question “Don’t men deserve love?” The reason men are commanded to love and women are commanded to respect is because those particular thing don’t come easy to that particular sex. It isn’t wrong it is different. When you are loved you will respect more and it goes round and round. When you are unloved you disrespect more and that goes round and round. God is just trying to show you where womens and mens weaknesses lie. He isn’t trying to crush anyone.

19. Thanks! What a great reminder!
    BTW- love your name! ;D

20. Love this post. So refreshing to hear a Godly woman’s take on marriage in a society where it all seems to be based on a “love ’em and leave ’em” policy. What an incredible way to strengthen the bond of husband and wife. Beautiful words and lifestyle.

21. Why not be a good person just for the sake of being a good person? Not having anyone to tell you too

    1. Because we are sinful and helpless, No one is good, not one! We need the love of a savior who died to free us from selfishness and sin. He tells us in the greatest act of love, laying down his life. Do not be deceived you cannot be good on your own.

22. I am so sickened by reading all of the negative and hostile comments on here. If said women are so incredibly offended and disgusted by this, why are you so disturbed by someone else’s decision of how to live their life? Because you read it in a blog, you have to live it also? Her point of view is less than yours and disgusting because it doesn’t coincide with yours? Very logical and honorable, your very defense is flawed because of your inability to be objective and respectful.

    On a more serious note, it makes me so upset that a small piece of truth would offend you so deeply that is shakes you to your core, because it means you are rejecting God and His truth. I pray you will welcome Him into your life one day.
    If you have already made it a point to reject Him, that is your choice, and although I don’t agree with it, I respect your very right to have it and the fact that you have a belief you clearly feel so strongly about. However, bashing people who don’t share your belief doesn’t prove you are dedicated and that your belief is higher and “better”. It proves that you’re arrogant.

    But as Christians, we are keeping our posts to ourselves. Sharing and helping each other grow. Ever heard of fellowship? No body asked you to read this blog and attack the writer. Why do you feel a need to? What is logical about that? If you don’t believe it, that’s fine. Okay. Scoff at it and walk away from your computer. Keep it to yourself, don’t attack someone who lives a different life than you. It is incredibly unjust, no matter your religion. It is just rude. And, as you can tell, Her Savior is always going to rise up and protect her (i.e. in the form of commenters such as me, defending her belief because the same Spirit lives inside me as her.)

    There is an incredible difference between respecting someone and submitting to someone. And I’m so happy that someone mentioned that your husband should be worthy of your respect BEFORE he becomes your husband. If you are married to an abusive man, no one in their right mind would tell you to submit to him repeatedly. Heck, no one would tell you to marry a man with temper issues or aggressive tendencies. And the God who made you and loves you so dearly would absolutely be the last person to command you to put up with it. Obviously what the Bible tells you about marriage (this small piece included) is the ideal; meaning it’s assumed it will only work should both partners be living up to what God has already called them to be- and He certainly doesn’t call men to be abusive, disrespectful, negligent, and lazy.

    But marriage is part of God’s Creation, so if you’re going to enjoy it and get all that it has to offer, you’re gonna have to relinquish that control-that as women we typically want so desperately- and follow the blueprints that God laid out for marriage. And that will include letting your husband be a man and take the lead of the house and of you.

    I’m sorry, but women are having such a hard time with this post is because they are so acclimated to having control. If you didn’t value your control so much, the thought of letting it go wouldn’t concern you so greatly that you have to be defensive. And if you weren’t selfish, you would not be worried about going the extra mile to show your spouse how much you love him and his happiness means to you. Honestly, love is sacrifice.

    I’m glad some women have a difficult time with this post also, because being a Godly women shouldn’t look anything like what the world has told us we should be. It is a great compliment to you, Jolene. And it shows how active the Spirit is, and is a great reminder that our war is unseen. Take heart in your beliefs and rest in your God.

    1. Excellence response, Brooke. And thank you for your encouraging words. They blessed me tremendously! 🙂

    2. Amen!! Well put. I seriously can’t believe so many women are having trouble with this post.

    3. Amen!! I couldn’t agree with you more!

    4. Jolene put her voice out there, on this blog, viewable to anyone on the internet. She wanted people to read it. Of course there are going to be differences of opinion. Of course people are going argue and debate, become passionate about it. This is our faith and they way we live, being passionate is a good thing. It means people are engaged by the issue. Rejoice in this and that people of differing opinion have read something that they might otherwise would not have. You never know what will make someone circle back and think on the topic again. Being silent and not telling the truth of how you feel, when you feel called to do, is just burying talents in the sand, so to speak. I understand that the opinions other women have expressed might upset you. But isn’t it wonderful that those voices have stopped and made you think? Maybe you would have read Jolene’s article and it would have passed out of your mind in a day or so, now you’re probably read it a couple time, you’ll really be thinking not just about this, but about your faith as a whole. Isn’t that a great thing? Try to be more positive about what’s being gained here, rather than wanting to silence others.

       Let’s give Jolene the benefit of the doubt and assume she is an intelligent, thoughtful woman who wouldn’t have put her words out there if she wasn’t prepared for the discussion to follow. Don’t be so afraid! Others’ anger, passion, or rudeness can only strengthen your conviction.

23. Great article. Ladies I’m sorry but you can not argue with the bible. You cant argue with the lord, you will not win. Never, not once. Many of you women need prayers, BC obviously you have not excepted Christ. Jolene this is amazing and I NEEDED it. Thank you! We are to respect our husbands even if they dont deserve it, (not counting cheating or physical abuse). We did not deserve Christ to die for us so we can have eternal life- but he did .so how can I complain with such a simple task compared to what he has done for me?! The least I can do is try and glorify him through my marriage. That means following the rules he laid down a long time ago. Times have changed but his instructions to us have not. You can’t alter the bible to “todays world”. That’s the problem and this is why the world is so corrupt and marriages don’t last. You have to trust him in all you Do. Your husband has a tougher job – loving you like Christ loved the church. I have also read love and respect and it is a great book. I my self had a huge problem with the word submit before I truly gave myself to the Lord. It is not being weak , a slave , or doormat by any means. Try submitting to your husband and see what it does for your marriage and yourself !

24. To all those that are commenting that women should be shown respect as much as a man I ask you isn’t him showing you love the ultimate form of respect for a woman? I would lots rather have my husband tell me how much he appreciates all I do (working full time plus finishing my bachelors plus cleaning and taking care of our family and house) then submit to my will or how I want things done. He shows me respect in his kind words, loving actions, and thoughtfulness towards me. I would lots rather feel like he is the ultimate individual right after Christ in my life by showing him love and respect by asking his opinion or input and spin everything I can to help HIM. Marriage is NOT about selfishness, it’s all about being selfless which is the ultimate form of love in this age or in the biblical one.

25. For those whoe disagree, than just leave the page. For those who do agree, than take the advice and work it into your life. God bless.

    1. Well said Mimi!

26. I didn’t read through all the comments, but I’m hurting over reading a small portion of them. Once again, Christian women are making excuses for living right and doing what the Bible says. It’s not about the age we live in, how our husbands are or not or about ourselves. It’s about living for our Saviour and following his commands. Go ahead and make your excuses. They won’t hold a candle when we ALL stand before the King of Kings and answer for our lives.

27. Great post, I am a stay at home mom for many years. We live very simple so I can stay
    home and home-school. We both has Christ in our hearts and I think that is the key here. Then you will have the understanding of this post.
    If you really want to be love by your husband I mean really loved. The secret to that is
    showing your husband respect. Telling him you are proud of him, telling him you appreciate what he does for the family. Trust him in his decision making for the family.
    Don’t run him down in front of others. These are just a few examples…but when you are faithful at this, may goodness watch your husband start treating you different…it is amazing how just showing respect and praying for your husband will change him toward you. And when you are on your knees praying for your self to be a better wife and mother..and allowing God to change you this is a big plus in it all.

    Blessing

28. Jolene,
    Thank you for allowing comments to be continued. Your blog is wonderful and I have found those commenting to be serious and informed about true womanhood and about the biblical view of the marriage state. Women are so bombarded with the worlds view of what a woman should be: Free to do say and be anything they would like. I enjoyed being able to share my faith and am pleased that He is showing me how to defend the faith without being angry or feeling inferior and mousy. You are doing a wonderful thing here. I too must continue homeschooling and submitting to my wonderful husband. 🙂

29. I think this article has great advice, not only for how to make your marriage better but for how to be a better person in general. As a society we would be so much better off if everyone had these attributes… Show respect, be honest, have a happy heart, etc. it does seem unfair at times but there are definitely moments when the woman is called upon to be peacemaker. It may sound sexist and may not be true in all cases but generally speaking women are softer spoken, gentler, etc. and so it does fall to us to “be the bigger person” in relationships. I have been married over 20 years, married at 19 years old and we had some rough years at first because I am a very strong willed woman. When I started putting these principles into place in my own heart I noticed a huge shift in the dynamics of my marriage. I became the wife of my husbands dreams and in turn he became my Prince Charming. Now I feel cherished and adored and I know that my husband loves and needs me and he is my hero and love of my life. People tell us all the time how they look up to us and hope to have a relationship like ours. It did not just happen. It is a lot of work and the key is unselfishness which is the heart of this article. It has to start somewhere and I think my relationship is important enough to put aside my pride and let my selfish thoughts go and be truly one with my husband.

30. Where is GRACE in these comments. The Bible shows us what our roles should be. I work full time and my husband works full time. He is the head of our house but by no means does he think he is higher than me. I was once a headstrong woman that thought I could do it all….I was miserable. I find that it is easier for me to let him lead me and I have never been happier. We make decisions together and we work on household and outdoor chores together. I don’t know if people are just upset or convicted that their marriage is not what they want or think it should be but I am very thankful for Jolene taking the time to remind me to respect my husband and love will flow from him. “Love and Respect” was by far the best book I have ever bought. I pray for the people who have left hurtful comments.

31. Lovely. I so much appreciate the blog. Thanks for making me a wife dats easy to Love my hubby

32. I really like this article, Jolene (found it via Pinterest), and what Brooke wrote also.
    Marriage is a completely selfless act. You have to put your spouses needs ahead of your own. That’s submission.
    Submitting does not translate into a door mat. The world has put that nasty definition on the word. God designed women to be their mates helper and if women are helpers it means men are in need of help. If you look at marriage as a machine, a husband and wife are two parts that look completely different, but still make it work.
    My husband loves and respects me with all his heart and I love and respect him with all my heart. Because we put each other before ourselves, love and respect are a natural byproduct. If you go into a marriage thinking “I’m only giving respect if I get respect”, that’s selfish and the relationship won’t work well if both parties are selfish. You’ll feel unfulfilled and jealous and resentful. That’s not the picture God gave us. He loves His creation whether we love and respect Him or not.
    I’m a 100% flawed individual and so is my husband, but we are happy because we found joy first in how God, through Christ, showed us love.

33. Thank you! I used your blog to help me with my New Years resolution. I love my husband and want to be better for him. He is a wonderful person and I want to be too. We are both human and both make mistakes but if I can be part of the solution instead of the problem (like my dad always said), that’s what I should do. God bless!

34. Thank you for the wonderful reminder! Why is it so difficult to swallow that when we treat our spouse in a way that that makes them feel valued that they are likely to do the same? When we want to make positive changes in our marriage (or any relationship, for that matter) sometimes we must swallow our pride and make the first move. That’s not being a doormat, that’s incredibly empowering!

35. wow we are sinful and helpless and cannot do good on our own? I’m sorry but being submissive also reminded me of fifty shades of grey . most of the article was good but submit? a lot of these comments are judging women who do not choose to live that way and who also know that the bible is a good history book written by men and even further the men in power decided which books to even include in the bible and if there are no mistakes in the bible why is there more than one version? I also don’t really appreciate when people say they will pray for me when I didn’t ask you too . I’m good with my soul and my beliefs . I was just reading the comments and wasn’t going to submit one but I truly can’t believe what some of you are saying .

36. This makes me feel like I’m going to hell if I don’t let my husband make all the decisions, cook and clean for him no matter what, and give him my body whenever he asks for it, all because he has XY chromosomes and I do not. I have been a Christian my entire life. I have tried and failed but I have loved God and kept on going. But after getting engaged and being faced with this, I am in complete pain and distress. I feel the furthest from God that I have ever felt.

    1. Please don’t assume that ‘submit’ and ‘respect even when he doesn’t earn it’ = 1950s housewife. My personal belief is that women are commanded to respect because it is easy for us to call down our husbands and make them feel small, and that hurts them incredibly. If the Bible were in fact all about women submitting and men lording it over everyone, the command to men would be missing. But it’s not. Men are commanded to love their wives. And love (according to the famous Corinthians love chapter) is an action, not some random fuzzy feeling. Men are commanded to love their wives because it’s easy for them to forget to show it, and that really really hurts their wives. This is not about the guy having all the power, or the woman having none. This is about each partner being mindful of the others’ needs, even when it’s not the easiest thing to do.

    2. Maybe this is a signal that you need to have a discussion with either a elder Christian woman whom you completely trust or your future spouse. God is not the author of fear or confusion, so that is why we can sometimes feel distant from him during the times that Satan fights us in these areas. The wonderful thing is, if we simple ask God our questions and lay our fear at his feet, he will take care of them. Praying for you!

37. Thank you for this! I was once that woman, who believe “Biblical Submission” meant you had to be a doormat, completly losing yourself in your Husband, and opened the door to abuse. I also almost lost my marriage and family due to that belief. I was not easy to love. I did what I wanted and felt was right, pushing my husband away.
    Then it all came crashing down one night, now I am not saying my Husband didn’t have his faults too, but I did nothing to help the relationship. We both turned to God and the Bible, and learned what God’s plan for marriage really is, and what we were doing wrong. This change was not easy for me, it took prayer and work(for both of us). I am so thankful for it though. YES, I believe in Biblical submission with all my heart! NO, I am NOT a doormat, and I have been able to find myself and my true calling through this. My Husband and I have a relationship I only ever dreamed of now.
    Keep speaking the truth, even though others ridicule, and judge. We know what it truely means to be submissive, and what it does not mean, and the freedom it brings.
    Thank you!

38. Amen. Thanks for the reminder and I pray that all of the people commenting negatively on this are shown the light.

39. Beautifully written. I don’t know how marriages survive without the Lord in their lives! I thank Jesus for my wonderful man of God and pray I can be this woman you wrote of for God, my husband and my children. Thank you for allowing the Holy Spirit to give you these words and share with us.
    May God Bless You and Your Marriage!

    1. I pray for everyone that reads this and feels discouraged or upset. I pray you please take a moment and pray to God. Even if you don’t believe or have never prayed before. Or have been a believer but turned away due to circumstances in your lives. You don’t have to say specific words just “talk” to Him. Be Honest. Say you don’t believe and ask Him to show you the truth. HE WILL. Maybe not that second but someway somehow He will give you insight and show you and you will know. Then this article will be so clear to you in a spiritual and beautiful way. It’s not about submitting in a degrading or bad way but in a loving and fulfilled, tender way. I say all of this with a loving heart! Many Blessings!

40. I loved this article and found it right on in terms of biblical truth. Thanks for being courageous enough to be obedient to God no matter what others say. It doesn’t surprise me to see the negative responses. Genesis 3:16 tells us, “you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you”. This is part of our curse after Adam and Eve’s fall into sin. There will always be a struggle in woman on this subject. Some will surrender it to God, others won’t. The Bible indicates in Matthew 7:14 ” the gateway to life is very narrow and the road is difficult, and only a few ever find it”. To me this says that what I most easily feel on the matter may not in fact be the Truth. Remember: “The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?” Jeremiah 17:9. Ladies, don’t just follow your own feelings on these matters. God’s ways are higher and there for a purpose. If you have disagreements or questions regarding this post, be wise and don’t take her word for it (which is what I am sure she would advise).>>> Read the Bible with an open heart and discover what it instructs for yourself. <3

41. I am currently stuggling in a marriage in which my husband (whom I believed to be a devoted Godly man) told me he didnt love me anymore. He said he wasnt sure what happened, but didnt have those feelings. I know what this article was trying to say and I totally agree with your main points as I have read “love and respect”, countless other books, spoken with an excellent Christ-like therapist, and done a lot of prayer. However, I think the message would be better received by those who need to hear it if you also emphasized God’s COMMANDMENT for husbands “Love your wives”. The above philosophy works best on a 2-way street with 2 people who serve God(but even Godly couples aren’t on the same spiritual page all the time). Just like submission (which is essentially an ancient way of describing respect) is a commandment, God commands husbands to love their wives in whatever way they need loving. You see, after many months of struggle it finally clicked. I could swallow being more submissive and respectful to a undeserving man when I realized that my husband is imperfect and so am I. If I want him to love me unconditionally, I need to give him unconditional respect. It’s only fair. It’s not cause and effect, but it is linked. I’m not being respectful because I think he deserves it, I’m doing it because God deserves it. It also makes it easier to swallow when I realized that my husband will be held accountable for any/all commandments broken. I guess I take refuge in the fact that if my husband never loves me as he is commanded to again, my Heavenly Father will have words for him and that makes me feel just a little bit better 🙂 But I am also held accountable for my actions as a wife, and that’s why I try to show him respect, even if I think he doesn’t deserve it. It’s easy to love a lovable wife or respect a loyal husband, no test or trial in that. As for stay-at-home vs working wives, let’s try to remember we are on the same team. I’m sure even the stay at homers would like their husbands to help out more if they are honest. Please don’t act “holyier than thou” on either side. Ladies, life happens, you can’t be sure your husband will always be around or employed and then you WILL have to make it with the rest of us working ladies…so be careful who you are preaching to about making sacrifices. Besides, the article didn’t say anything about having home-cooked meals on the table every night.

42. “Give your husband respect, (whether he deserves it or not).

    Follow his leadership and submit to him.”

    Are you a dog, or a human being?! Give your head a shake. No one respects those who roll over and submit. Be a strong, equal partner, don’t be a doormat. It breaks my heart to hear such old-time, abusive instructions being spread around, even in this day and age. If someone doesn’t earn my respect, I don’t give it to him just because he’s a man. My respect needs to be well deserved. That’s how abused women are held in dangerous relationships. I fear what people are teaching their children.

    1. I agree that some men have MISused Biblical instruction to abuse their wives. This is NOT condoned by the Bible. This article was written by a woman for women…a similar article by a man for men would have focused on the second part of that text: Wives, be submissive (i.e. respectful)…Husbands, love your wives. It’s an equal partnership, where each gives the other what he/she needs. Put it this way. Have you heard of Stephen Covey’s 7 Habits of Highly Successful People? One of them is: seek first to understand, then to be understood. Same thing.

43. While I think the Bible is a great place to start on a path to finding God, there are a lot of things that change with time. The Bible was written well before women had the right to vote, or had anywhere near equal rights to men. 1 Corinthians 34 says “Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted for them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also said the law”. I’m pretty sure no one listens to that one anymore. Women aren’t objects, nor are we commanded into silence. The idea of submitting to a husband seems like submitting to the idea that men are superior to women. When the Bible was written, men and women being equals was unheard of. Now that women being able to speak in church is a thing, I hope that a man and a woman can join in a holy union without either person having to submit to the other, and be equals. You can’t tell me that God, who loves us all equally, doesn’t want us to be equals.

    1. Pleadd, please think about what you are saying. Of course God loves us all equally, and his grace is equally dispersed to all who will accept it. However, if everyone is equal, why are some born kings and some born slaves? (not saying that is the relationship between a man and his wife.) Why were some Isrealites born Levites (meaning they could be priests and minister in the temple) and some not?

       From Adam and Eve, God said that a woman should be submissive to her husband. It was apparent that she was the weaker link of the two, otherwise, Satan would have deceived Adam instead. Corrupt “pastors” today will use the same method of breaking apart families to gain total control of a congregation (yes, these types of preachers exist and unfortunately abound.) They will bypass the husband and directly attack the wife. This happened to my own mother (my grandfather was the one, in fact) and to a friend’s as well (this was from a well- intended man we had originally thought a friend.) Satan and his crooks can clearly see the inequality and often exploit it.

       However, being commanded to be submissive should not been seen as punishment, weakness, or a burden, because it has a more glorious purpose. Adam and Eve and any man and his wife exemplify the relationship between Jesus Christ and the Bride he is to return for.

       God seeks an obedient wife who is willing to listen to his voice and obey, who is willing to submit her will to his. This does not mean God will not listen to his Bride and never do as she requests. This is obvious in the example of Esther, who can also be thought of as an example of Christ’s Bride. She was obviously chosen to be the king’ s bride because she would listen and submit, whereas Vashti was put away because she would not. When Esther asked a favor she was not bluntly ignored and considered too inferior to listen to, rather the king heard and granted her wish. Also, when Sarah implored Abraham to put away Hagar for mocking her son, God told him to listen and do as she said to do.

       Now think about this, if men and women are to be equal and submit to each other, what would that mean regarding God’s example of Christ and his Bride? Is man (the Bride) equal to God (the groom)? Is God supposed to submit to man’s will? Is God supposed to obey man just as much as man, God? Or as you put it, are we in a relationship with God where God doesn’t submit to us, but neither do we submit to him? Where no one submits to no one? I hope not!

       No, woman is not an object, and she is very precious. Regarding the scripture you mentioned, I believe this is stated because God does not want the church to portray a perverse image of the Bride ruling the husband.

       You say the Bible is not entirely applicable today because things have changed and it was written to that generation. However, I don’ t think God gave us his word so that we could pick and choose what to obey and what not to. If we do not do one thing, why should we be subject to anything else it tells us? If one word is false today, the Bible is entirely false. God’ s word does not change.

       People do have differing opinions on what submission means, I encourage you to pray about it and read your Bible on it and reach a conviction on the matter yourself.

       I hope you don’t take this as an attack; that was not my intent. God says love is his greatest law and that is what drove me to write out this giant post. I also hope I was understandable in my reasoning, as I know my mind can be a bit scattered at times. 🙂

       As a side note to you who will accuse me of not following God’s law entirely, citing the old testament’s instructions about stonings, diets, and very specific garments, Jesus says he fulfilled this law and that we are no longer bound by it. Paul says that if you obey one of the Mosaic laws, you will be expected to obey them all, and that God will further more judge you by the Mosaic law because you chose it. I am acutely aware of my own faults, which is why I’m so thankful for God’s grace. (PS there are about 100+ do’s and about 300+ don’t s in the old law, and you’d have to be as perfect as Jesus to do them all.)

       Not to say the old law was insignificant or useless, either. Again, God used the old testament to show greater purpose in the new testament. Jesus taught that the Mosaic law was like a tutor that was for helping us to understand his new law of love. (Also not to say that God’s love is allowing his children to be any way they want, because they would not be exemplifying him in that way.) But I think I’d better stop now before I give a whole nother book of my opinions and observations. 🙂

       God be with you all!

44. Thank you for your encouraging words! I want to be the best I can be for my husband. I will re read this until I have it down pat!

45. Pingback: When the Criticism Rains Down Hard...(And How to Handle It In a Godly Manner)

46. I have been married for 10 years…have 3 children and I stay home with them. I am contemplating homeschooling them, but that’s another subject for another day! I am a very strong-willed person. I don’t like to admit that I am controlling…I like my house neat and tidy and all my ducks lined up in a row. My husband works on a dairy farm. If any one has a farming background, you would know that I should probably be working to make ends meet! However, we both make it work in order for me to stay home. I honestly believe God made and designed me to be a mother, a keeper of my home, a kind and listening ear for my husband to talk to. I absolutely do not expect my husband to work 10 hour days in the bitter cold (yep, ALL DAY!) and the burning sun and come home to help me clean up my job (my home!). Yes, I consider that since I stay home, it is my job to keep it cleaned up, among the other duties of my household. I also know lots of working mothers and to be honest, I don’t know how they do it all. They are very strong women. But what I believe Jolene is saying is much like the book, which has been referenced to a bit, “Love and Respect”. Love and respect is a cycle that we ALL need to be ON! When us women respect our husbands, our husbands love us and it just keeps going around. I certainly do NOT want to have the other kind of circle…the one where there is disrespect and unloved. My husband is the head of our household. No way around it…I am not old-fashioned or stuck in another era (however, the 50’s are one of my favorite periods!). There is such a trend of divorce…can people seriously not work out their problems that they just give up after their first try? “Well, he didn’t respect me, so I just left…!” And on to another cycle of disrespect and unloved. The cycle won’t be broken until we give up, lift our hands up to the Lord, pray for His healing hand to touch us and lead us on to the road of respecting our husbands! And don’t think it’s been a fairytale for me…to this day we still have some pretty rough days, where I stop and think, what is going on here? Why am I doing this? When I give up my control, and bitterness, and nastiness and all the other -nesses, amazing things happen. When I do what is right, biblically right, the world is much better. That is not some far-fetched idea…can all you nay-sayers that have emailed tried doing what Jolene has said? I mean, REALLY tried it? Last note, I am so thankful that I know God and Jesus, that even when I am DISRESPECTING THEM, they still LOVE me and help me get back on the path!

47. I personally enjoyed your blog! My family and I have been through series of struggles. Along the way we got more caught up in trying to make it better and forgot about our relationship. We are finally getting back on the ground and having more time to reconnect and this is good guidelines to follow. Thank you for sharing this!

48. Jolene’s theme here has to do with Biblical submission, not slavery, not subservience, not blind obedience. With the creation of man, woman received the status of “help-meet”. Not “helper”, not “assistant,” not “second-class’, but one who meets the needs of her husband, to use her strengths to enhance his, and to make life easier in every way she can, as he does his part as leader of the couple or family. Woman is strong, nurturing, caring, intellectual, physically strong in different ways, emotion-driven and logical in a different way from man. All these things and more make up “help-meet” status.

    Marriage is not 50-50. That’s a contract. Many couples live by contract, and it’s not freeing, it’s comparing and analyzing and making a choice to handle responsibilities in a way that makes each person feel equally valued. In the marriages I know that follow this, someone always feels lesser than the other. One half of the couple tends to take the lead, and the other follows, sometimes less than willingly. There is conflict, just as their is in any marriage at times.

    However, when living a Biblically-based marriage, a couple has more freedom and even more equality, because God did create us free-willed and equal under his love and grace. We receive those things from him without bearing on who we are, how much we make, how smart or talented or educated. A Biblical, covenant marriage, promises many things. The marriage vows mean promise, not compact/contract. Certainly, people earn respect, in a worldly sense, but in a marriage sense, a wife respects her husband because he IS.

    I’ll explain. I have come from a place of complete disrespect of my husband, being at odds over so many things — because neither of us followed a plan of any kind, either covenant or contract. We followed our heads and hearts and did not live to serve each other in love, though we tried here and there, but when you leave only crumbs, you don’t get a lot in return.

    I have learned, through blogs like Jolene’s and through Bible studies and through all sorts of media and contact with people and teachings, how to be a Biblically submissive wife. My intellectual side loves it, my spiritual side feels joyful in it, my emotional side feels full up on it, and my physical being has thrived within it. My husband has done a 180 degree turn in his way of loving me, and the respect I feel for him grows every day … and he has earned it.

    It has more to do with realizing that neither of us are perfect. He’s going to do and say things that I don’t agree with, and I will most likely do the same in his eyes. However, when he goes against my grain, will I remove some respect? Will I make him toe the line? If so, I am judging him and putting him in a place below me, based on my own codes … selfish codes. If he doesn’t like the way I act and withdraws because of it, he’s doing the same thing. That isn’t 50-50 partnership or Biblical. If you’re working for 50-50 partnership, someone has to hold the line. You can determine the outline together, but someone is always judging the other’s contribution — or both are. In Biblical terms, each of us in the marriage has freedom to offer respect and love, and to reap the rewards that come from both. We don’t have to fulfill a contract, because when we put ourselves fully in the driver’s seat of our appointed mission (him as leader, her as help-meet), we work together, we grow together, we learn together and we don’t measure the outcome except as success or failure, or varying degrees of each. Then, we learn from that and move on to the next episode in life.

    Those calling names and holding with feminist views or man-made religious creeds will not understand. You have to be able to intellectually see the truths in the Bible. When you read them and label them as archaic, out-dated stories, you miss the point. Lord Byron’s poetry is archaic and out-dated, but his themes still stand. Stoning of adulterers happened because of man-made law, and did not come from God. The eating plan and dress codes came from God to the Israelites at that time because God needed them to see that being set apart from every other nation was important. The Israelites were set apart as God’s chosen people, and were to be “peculiar” … not conforming.

    And guess what? Jolene is peculiar! Go, Jolene! I am, also. We think and believe differently because we know the truth and we know the outcomes of our beliefs. There are, most certainly, religious sects that teach submission as subservience, and who demand obedience from women no matter what the command or decree from a man. We who have a true, Bible-based faith, do not take orders. We do not bow humbly in servitude to our husbands. We stand by them, we show and tell them how we respect them, and in turn, they honor us with the love we need.

    It’s actually very 50-50 in a way only we can know. And, I’m sure I can speak for most of the believers who have read or commented here, that we pray for everyone to find the same wonder, joy and satisfaction in marriage.

49. Dear Jolene and others,

    I do not mean to ignite more drama, but I do have questions. I am currently in a relationship with a man who I know loves me very much. We are neither married nor engaged to be so because we are in graduate school and want to be sure we can obtain employment in the same city before we commit to go down that path. This is the first serious/long-term relationship either of us has had.

    I am wondering what you all would do (especially those who are choosing to live in the way that Jolene advises) in my situation. I often find some of the ideas that my boyfriend has about careers and money to be just downright wrong for a family. I worry that he wont want to keep his good job after he has made enough money that he has saved enough to live on, rather than trying to save for the future, children’s college, wedding presents for children, healthcare emergencies, etc. He would rather retire early and travel. He does not seem to want to work just for the satisfaction of being a productive member of society. A prime example of this is that he only studies in school enough to do decently on the test because he doesn’t think studying more will result in better grades, and thinks that even if he got better grades it would not matter in the end. I cannot respect these ideas. I study because I would feel bad and wasteful if I did not study. I have had summer jobs since I was 12 years old, not because I needed the money, but because I wanted to work. I wish my boyfriend would show more of the same attitude. I want him to want to provide for my family, to want to take care of me. I don’t mind if I end up with a higher salary or working more hours than he does, it is mainly the attitude that counts for me.

    I didn’t grow up very religious (regularity of church attendance varied depending on my age and what else was going on with my family at the time) but the more I hear about the way God supposedly (like I said, I’m relatively new to this) wants us to live, the more I feel it could make me happiest. If this means unconditional respect and some level of deference to the husband’s decisions, should I just leave him now? I can’t allow big decisions to be made that I find harmful and lazy and wrong. Or, should I hope that I am wrong and once we start working, and especially if/when we have children, he will grow out of this if I just quit nagging about it? I have made bad decisions in my past due to low self-worth so I have doubts that there are many men out there who are understanding enough to want me after I am honest with them. I would really appreciate some help on this. Thank you.

    1. Hello, Lisa.

       It sounds to me like you have several doubts about what the future would hold with your boyfriend, that you have opposing goals and views. I believe that talking about your hopes and dreams, about your wants (for you, a family and to feel cared for; for him, early retirement and travel) very seriously and in-depth will help you.

       I was in a similar place when my husband and I were in college. He made it known to many people that he did not want children. Afraid of losing him, I never brought it up, and neither did he. We entered marriage in a kind of limbo over that issue, and on others, both afraid of losing the other and assuming “it would all work out.”

       Our marriage has had many struggles, often over the very issues we never discussed thoroughly. We are in a wonderful place, after almost 22 years, and I wouldn’t make a different decision if I could do it again, but I would have done some things differently. The main change would have been to get into a church, and to have based our marriage, from the start, on Ephesians 5:25-33.

       Today’s generation has a completely different mindset and a different world in which to test it. The world is far less conservative, but those of us who desire a less progressive, worldly lifestyle, may still work for it. I am happier as a respecting wife than I ever was as the one who tried to keep the motor humming without any idea of what respect really meant. To discuss and reason together, to hear each other out and come to conclusions and to willingly compromise for the other in right things, THAT is what you want.

       You cannot change a man. God can change him, but not because you pray for it or try to orchestrate it as a self-appointed messenger of God.

       Pray, Lisa, and let God introduce himself to you. It’s important to confess any wrong-doing to him, and to thank him for your blessings, large and small … and to pour out your heart about what you need. Marriage was God’s idea — talk to him about your situation and listen and wait — see where he leads you.

       When you begin to lean on God and find faith, your boyfriend may, perhaps disagree. Your statement saying that God’s way would likely make you happiest, says a lot.

       I don’t think anyone here will push you or try to coerce you, but will offer their heartfelt counsel. I hate to see anyone enter a marriage relationship with misgivings. You can’t know what the future holds, but you can know how your future husband will handle what comes, and that he will do so for YOU.

    2. Hi Lisa,
       I wanted to respond but I’m very limited on time. If you were never able to change your boyfriend, would you still marry him? Also, if you have a hard time respecting his decisions today during the dating period when a man and woman are more likely to put on their best behaviors, then you can expect to have a more difficult time respecting him in your marriage. I wrote a series for single women. It’s on my site and I recommend you reading it to gain better insight.

    3. Thank you so much for the replies, Jolene and Amy!

       Jolene, I teared up several times while reading your singleness series. It resonated with me very much. As to the question you posed- I do not think I could be happily married to my current boyfriend if it turns out my suspicions about his ambitions are correct. But after reading and thinking about some of the posts on respect and love, I am wondering if my negativity, insulting disrespectful talk (including in front of others) and nagging is actually pushing him towards being a man I could not respect. I have certainly not been on my best behavior, so it could be no small wonder he isn’t either. Amy, I think a HUGE part of the problem is my fear of talking honestly about what I want, and making sure I find out exactly what my boyfriend wants, too. I have prayed many times for guidance on whether to leave the relationship. But starting today, I am going to pray for the courage to start having serious and thorough conversations, and for God to make me more respectful and kind, so that I can be someone my boyfriend would WANT to take care of, and see if things change.

       Thank you so, so much again. I really appreciate hearing from you.

    4. Sounds like you have very different personalities. Between the options of mastery and power, fun, freedom, and relationships, it sounds like you value mastery (doing your very best, striving to excel) and he values fun. The question is, can you respect his need for fun (a personality trait I’m sure you were attracted to in the first place!) and can he value your need for power (it might have been your ‘got-it-all-together-ness’ that attracted him to you??)?

       1. Those are good questions, Dawn! I think I can, if I also see more of the mastery trait you describe in him, because I feel like motivation for hard work is essential to providing for a family and that a man needs to want and have this! I have resolved to quit nagging, disrespecting, putting down, etc. for 40 days to see if being more positive (and asking God to work on my boyfriend’s heart) might change things for us, because with the help of this article and comments I have realized I haven’t been acting like a woman any man would WANT to provide for. Thanks!

          1. Our God is a gracious God, Lisa. And He makes all things new.

50. Ephesians 5: 25-27 state, “25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her 26 to make her holy, cleansing[b] her by the washing with water through the word, 27 and to present her to himself as a radiant church, without stain or wrinkle or any other blemish, but holy and blameless. 28 In this same way, husbands ought to love their wives as their own bodies. He who loves his wife loves himself.”

    In the previous verse, it says that the husband is the head of the wife. But this is what comes after. This dynamic obviously WILL NOT work if the husband does not love the wife “as his own body”. If the husband is not worthy of respect, it is ludicrous to submit to him. He is responsible for submitting to God. If he is not submitting to God and you submit to him — Who are you submitting to? It is a path to destroy yourself.

    I believe this article is misleading and the ideas taken out of concept to the whole teaching in the Bible.

    1. Holly,
       I don’t write to men, I write to women, hence the reason why I didn’t include the verses that you shared. Also, I feel your viewpoint on this subject matter is contrary to the Word of God.

       Wives, submit to your own husbands, as is fitting in the Lord. Col. 3:18 We don’t submit to a husband who asks us to sin, doing so would be contrary to the Word of God. ‘We submit as is fitting in the Lord.’
       We are submitting to God when we give respect to our husbands; husbands who fall short and make mistakes just like we do. Romans 3:23. For ALL have sinned and fall short of the glory of God. The central theme of the Gospel message is Grace. We extend grace to our husbands when they mess up. We respect them when they mess up, because a husband needs his wife’s respect.

       Regarding the husband who is not following the Lord…the Word of God still says we are to submit to him.
       Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. 1 Peter 3:1,2
       This dynamic does work because God’s Word says they may be won over. I know marriages where the wives were saved and their husband weren’t. It was the wives’ respect and submission towards their husbands, i.e. their conduct that won them over. Today these marriages are a beautiful representation of the love that Christ has for the Church.

       This is not a path to destroy myself, or any other woman who heeds the Word of God, because this path honors God as we live out His commands for our lives. And this path leads to an absolutely glorious marriage, a marriage that represents the love that Christ has for His church; a love He died for. 🙂

       1. I respect your decision to believe this in your own life. Regardless, we will have to agree to disagree.

          This may not be a path of destruction in your life, but I have seen many women stay in emotionally abusive marriages and completely be torn down because of this view. It is important to keep a balanced view. If a husband is emotionally abusive, he is not loving as Christ loved the church. Not even coming close.

          And yes, I have seen many men who proclaim to be Christians that do just this. They use these teachings as an excuse to be abusive and lord over their wives. Research shows that when a woman is submissive to a man, an abuser will continue to abuse to keep her that way.

          Please don’t get me wrong, I do not disagree with the information that you provided when it is in an appropriate situation (husband loving wife, wife loving husband). Unfortunately, this is not always the case.

          I have been abused. I have been torn down by a “Christian” man until I didn’t even know who I was. I tried to speak softly, submit, be a good wife. I rarely raised my voice. The abuse escalated and escalated until I had to leave. Trying to submit to him caused him a great disservice. However, if I would have held him accountable .. perhaps we would have ended up in counseling and he could have gotten help.

          If I would have seen this article then, it would have made me feel guilty and torn me down further. Why? Because the article is too basic, it does not include women who are abused. It did not include what a husband’s responsibilities are. You say you didn’t include this because you are writing to women, not men. Women need to know this as well.

          I pray this finds you with serenity and peace.

          Blessings,

          Holly

          1. May I suggest that your ex-husband would have continued to be abusive if you had stood up for yourself too? That’s what that ‘submit as to the Lord’ part is so important. God asks us to go through rough times with Him, but He’s always there as a support. An abusive guy creates the rough times and is the farthest thing from supportive. He might twist Biblical phrases to suit his own ends, but his spirit is totally out of alignment with those words. What I’m trying to say is that Bible verses and your submission did NOT cause his abusive behaviour. HE caused his abusive behaviour. I’m so thankful you found your way free of that situation. I just feel (strongly) that _both_ misusing Scripture to keep a woman down AND blaming an attitude of submissiveness for his abuse do the same thing: they put the blame for his behaviour on someone or something else.

          2. Holly,
             I’m sorry for what you have gone through and it saddens me to hear that a man would treat a woman like the way you’ve been treated. Before I came to Christ I was married to a man who abused me so I do understand a glimpse of where you’re coming from.

             I did put in the article what the husband’s responsibility is:
             Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her. Ephesians 5:25

             Of course a woman should not submit to a man’s sins because that would be contrary to the Word of God.

             Because these are short blog posts, I can’t possibly have disclaimers on everything I publish. I hope you can see that perspective.

51. Thank you for sharing this! Ephesians 5 was the homily at our wedding, and boy, is it one to constantly look to for guidance. I struggle with being a little too outspoken at times and not relaxed, and I know that’s not the woman my husband thought he was marrying! Thank you for reminding me of God’s instruction, as I always need it! And praise Him for good controversy. I will pray that the feministic attitudes of some women visiting your site will one day be overcome by understanding the depravity of mankind. We don’t deserve anything – Christ deserves it all! May God bless you, Jolene.

52. I found this post on pinterest and clicked on it because after living with myself for 33 years, I am all too aware of just how imperfect I am, and I will cheerfully take all the helpful encouragement I can get. I am engaged to be married-my fiance and I have both survived a horrible previous marriage ( I use the word marriage loosely because I find it hard to consider it a true marriage when the other partner in the relationship is out with others-which is what happened to both of us). I find it interesting that so many of the negative comments are about not wanting to give respect to their husband. But I am sure that they want their husbands to love them-even on days when they perhaps haven’t earned it and don’t deserve it! Thank you so much for sharing this article-it has definitely given me food for thought.

53. Loved the article! Thanks so much for writing it. It’s exactly what I needed to be reminded of today. Please don’t be discouraged by the negative comments. Perhaps it’s an opportunity to witness to non believers? 🙂

54. LOVED LOVED LOVED THIS! Thank you so much for writing this. 🙂 I found it on pintrest and so happy I did. I’m 23 and not married or even close to it but I am defiantly going to save this for when I do find that special guy. 🙂 God Bless! 🙂

55. Women who question an archaic text that was written by men before 1270 B.C.E. whether believers or non-believers, are thinking for themselves. There is nothing nasty about thinking.

    In the Bible we are told we shouldn’t speak for ourselves about religion:
    “Let your women keep silence in the churches: for it is not permitted unto them to speak; but they are commanded to be under obedience, as also saith the law. And if they will learn any thing, let them ask their husbands at home: for it is a shame for women to speak in the church.” (I Corinthians 14:34-35)

    Yet the author of this blog is speaking and writing openly about religion rather than letting her husband speak for her. I imagine she also speaks in church openly. Already she is disobeying the scriptures by being an independent woman and having her own blog about religion. In fact, it is impossible not to disobey the Bible, because it contradicts itself in so many scriptures. Now follow that to it’s logical conclusion and realize that the scriptures are not really sacred, but just a flawed text that some people decided to call “sacred” so they could outsource their beliefs and not have to think for themselves.

    The author of this blog abandons parts of the Bible and disobeys it as she pleases. Others abandon the entire text because they realize that it is just words that some men wrote many years ago and not sacred at all. We ALL disobey the Bible, so let’s not get on a high horse and tell others they aren’t obedient, while pretending that we are.

    1. Hi, Mary Magdalene:

       The Corinthian women, in studies of that society, had a habit of socializing in church. Paul wrote these letters to the various churches: Corinth, Ephesus, Philippi, etc., to target needs of each of them, to instruct them in more righteous behavior, to grow closer to God, and to show a better example to the rest of the world. Some of the laws he notes are from local authority, but also from his admonishment of behavior –like the idle chatter of women — while in the church.

       In my own church, we have had some admonishment from the pulpit about people writing their grocery lists in church, or surfing the web on their Smart Phones, or otherwise distracting from the purpose of being there: to worship God. The Corinthians required some reminding, too. Just because we are adults doesn’t mean we are decent, respectful and right.

       Later, in that same chapter in Corinthians, Paul speaks to the men about overindulging in drinking, and in the low level of the behavior they exhibit. This chapter, clearly, stands as a “behavior management” to the people of the Corinthian church, letting them know they had a few things to improve upon in their worship and Christ-like behavior.

       I find your comment, “… text that some people decided to call ‘sacred’ so they could outsource their beliefs and not have to think for themselves,” inflammatory. With that statement, you have impugned anyone who holds belief in Biblical teaching, based on your own lack of belief.

       If you don’t have faith in anything more than this world, I can’t change that, I can only hope you will see the truth in faith. At the same time, I’m not going to visit blogs or web pages to blanket a group of people with my own statements of belief or disbelief. Freedom of speech means more than that — it should do no harm, which many people don’t realize: “Freedom of speech in a self-governing society demands that citizens act with moderation, respect, and responsibility. ”

       Many women live out “religion” in a perverted sense, just as you described in your interpretation of these Corinthian verses. Many men in this world hold those words to mean what they desire, and the women either do not or feel they cannot think for themselves — and that’s a horrible situation, one that God does not intend.

       Submission does not mean blind following, nor does it mean to subject oneself to abuse. It means to act and think respectfully, and to honor one’s spouse as a person, and as the part of the “one” you represent together as a married couple. If the rest of the world believed and acted likewise, there would be no divorce.

       I understand that you do not agree with the beliefs others here share, but I think that you can do better in your manner of debate than to paint anyone with the same brush based on writings you have taken out of context.

    2. Mary,
       The scripture verses that you have shared refer to keeping order while in a church service. This blog is not a church. I’m not in a pulpit teaching men. My blog is written to women as my tagline says: Mentoring Women and Wives Closer to Christ.
       This blog is merely an extension of my living room as I answer the command in Titus 2:3-5, “the older women likewise, that they be reverent in behavior, not slanderers, not given to much wine, teachers of good things–that they admonish the young women to love their husbands, to love their children,to be discreet, chaste, homemakers, good, obedient to their own husbands, that the word of God may not be blasphemed.”

       1. Thank you Jolene! I loved your post and totally support you helping us wives to be more godly in our marriages!! I am saddened by all the negative comments, but that is the state of our world today. Unfortunately, it’s only going to get darker, but I will continue to shine my light of love and joy!

56. Sometimes the truth of our own actions in our relationships hurts to hear. I thought that your words were hard to hear, but so true. When two people are in a relationship that is struggling, sometimes it comes to a point to where our heart need to be softed to see past our own hurt and shortcomings. Instead of pointing the finger, being SO angry we can’t see straight and saying “it’s all his fault” or even from our husbands saying “it’s her fault”, someone needs to step up and think, “this is not the marriage I want; what can I do to make this better?” By beating my head against the wall and digging my feet in (and I’m pretty good at that) my marriage never improved. His words and actions changed towards me and our marriage when first I prayed for him as my husband. And I think that it is because my heart and attitude changed. I put his feelings and needs above my own within our relationship and then his heart changed as well. We are definately a work in progress but God definately working within us and our family.

    1. Kerrie, I agree with your assessment because it happened to us in our marriage the same way. I thought I knew best, but didn’t consult biblical sources … just what seemed best in my opinion. I wondered why I rarely succeeded in drawing my husband in, and why he insisted I pushed him away so often.
       When I prayed for our marriage, and for the softening of my husband’s heart, God answered immediately with so many good things I found it overwhelming. Overnight change! Of course, we do have our moments, but we now know how to recover.

    2. I am having the similar issue where we both want to be right. So I’m going to try what you did and see how it goes. I know with gods help it will work out. Thank you for your post

57. Pingback: A Practical Guide to Understanding Biblical Submission

58. A little insight on the issue of non-believers having such difficulty with believer’s explanations on the subject of discussion in all this list of comments. I found this today while reading, The God-Empowered Wife (by K.B. Haught — on the subject of Biblical submission and respect), an excellent read/study, by the way:

    From 1 Corinthians 2 —
    However, as it is written:
    “What no eye has seen, what no ear has heard, and what no human mind has conceived”— the things God has prepared for those who love him— these are the things God has revealed to us by his Spirit.
    The Spirit searches all things, even the deep things of God. For who knows a person’s thoughts except their own spirit within them? In the same way no one knows the thoughts of God except the Spirit of God. What we have received is not the spirit of the world, but the Spirit who is from God, so that we may understand what God has freely given us. This is what we speak, not in words taught us by human wisdom but in words taught by the Spirit, explaining spiritual realities with Spirit-taught words. The person without the Spirit does not accept the things that come from the Spirit of God but considers them foolishness, and cannot understand them because they are discerned only through the Spirit. The person with the Spirit makes judgments about all things, but such a person is not subject to merely human judgments, for, “Who has known the mind of the Lord so as to instruct him?”
    But we have the mind of Christ.

    The last 7 lines hit the nail on the head. We, as Christians, know that unbelievers cannot understand, that all explanation of our belief sounds confusing and does not align with the world’s assessment.

59. It seems to me that the biggest issue here is the mere mention of scripture. I would encourage all of the naysayers to check out The Proper Care & Feeding of Husbands. It is a book detailing all of the above, without a ton of mentions of Christ. I also bet you’d likely understand it much more clearly.

    Women have been raised to believe that they are in charge. That men are less than. We are raised to believe that we are owed everything & that men have to give it to us. Every movie someone tells the groom “always say yes dear.” I nearly lost my husband because I treated him with this entitled attitude. Thank God I found the aforementioned book & subsequently found Christ.

    It truly is as simple as the golden rule. Women do NOT deserve the world because they have a vagina. Not just because. If you want the world, you better be willing to give it to your partner as well. It has nothing to do with “wearing the pants” but sharing them. If you want respect, give it.

    1. I’m not married and not sure how close I am, but I will be looking this up on amazon asap! I think I have unrealistic expectations like what you described and I can’t evaluate my relationship with a clear head, to decide if marrying my boyfriend would be a good idea, or if we should break up, until I fix this. Thanks!

60. Thank you for you words. I am getting married in march, been dating for 2.5 years and live together with my 6 year old son. I have been going to church for almost all my life, leaving the lds faith to just Christian. But my issue at the moment is that I would love to do the things your saying, but I don’t feel I’m getting respect all the time or getting the attention I need so I get bitter. How should I address this topic with him? He doesn’t go to church but he believes in god of course.

    1. Hi, Chels —
       Pray. Pray for the guidance of God, and do some research on Biblical submission (Jolene’s submission today will give you a good overview of it), and look for a few good books on the topic. I recommend “The God-Empowered Wife” by K.H. Haught. Very insightful, and from the perspective of a woman married 5 times before she came to find the truth.
       Living as a respectful wife may not start easily. A woman has to surrender to God’s will for her life and marriage, and when she does, a committed husband will begin to follow suit. It happened for me. It has happened for thousands of other women. Every one of us wants nothing more than the same thing for the rest of the female sex.
       I’m sure others will have some suggestions for you, too.

61. Jolene,

    From the husband’s point of view, I have to say you’re right on.

    Women need to be loved and cherished, men need respect. It is a circle. You each do your part, and the circle continues. It requires you both to have the attitude that you will love/respect the other even on those days when they don’t “deserve” it. If you each wait on the other with an attitude of “prove you deserve it” before you will give it, well the circle is broken, and neither person gets what they need, and the relationship drifts apart, and is unfulfilling.

    If I could speak to the idea of loving and cherishing a wife, the question I would ask a woman is do you want it if it’s fake? Of course you don’t. You don’t want the obligatory chocolate and flower on Valentines Day, and that’s it. You want your man to surprise you by sending an amazing thoughtful gift to you at your work, or the most public place he can think of, on the least significant day of the year. Something that says, even on the most boring day of the year, I am amazed and enthralled by you. But here’s the hard truth. That feeling just doesn’t happen. A husband can’t just manufacture that feeling. It is inspired. And Jolene has given you the recipe to do it.

    And to address what many of you women have said. I would agree that you can’t just manufacture respect for your husband either. He needs to be respecable for you to have genuine respect for him. But, don’t wait for him to be respectable for you to start being the wife he will cherish. Start the circle. You might be surprised by what a change in your attitude can inspire.

62. Thank you for writing a beautiful post. Several years into my marriage, it seemed to be in a downward spiral, until I learned what you have taught here, to first show love to my spouse. Not to try and manipulate him into doing nice things for me, but because that is what God wants. I cannot control others actions, but I can control my own. By serving and showing love and kindness to my spouse, my heart grew towards him. The remarkable thing is that it also turned his heart back towards mine. It is a remarkable cycle. There is so much anger, blame, cynicism and selfishness all around in the world, My sweetheart does not need that from me.

63. Hello Jolene (and other readers)

    I consider myself to be both a feminist and a devout believer in Christ. I’ve noticed lately a few women saying things like “I used to be a feminist but then God opened my heart” or something along those lines. My question is why are feminism and belief in God always seen as going against each other?

    My understanding of feminism is that women and men should be treated with equal respect by one another. That doesn’t mean to me that women can’t be biblically submissive and take on the role of wife and mother as the Lord intends us too at the same time. Merely that women deserve not to be sexually objectified and payed less for the same job etc… So why do so many believers speak about feminism negatively or treat it as the opposite of how the Lord would want us to live?

    1. Hi Lindsay,
       Thanks for your question!
       God said that men and women are created equal, so that concept is already covered in the Bible. Feminism asserts the mentality of ‘me first’ “I am more important than my husband and I need to assert myself.” The Bible tells us to do the opposite, to lay down our lives for one another. Equality was already established in the Bible, therefore I don’t need to prove that I am equal to my husband because I already am. Feminism says I’m not going to bow to anything or to anyone and I’m certainly not going to submit to some man. In essence, for me, I see it as a religion of it’s own. That’s how I viewed it when I walked in those ways. I hope that helps you to understand the perspective from where I’m coming from when I say I used to be one.

       1. Thanks Jolene!

          I totally understand what you are saying as far as being treated as an equal and with love and respect by your husband but if I may ask one more question – what about random guys on the street? Just last week I went running in sweatpants and a sweatshirt. It was freezing out! I had no make-up on, my clothes were not tight or revealing but as I ran by a group of young men one of them felt the need to yell out “Girl! You gotta nice ass!” It goes without saying that I was disgusted and shocked and didn’t know how to respond. A man would never be harassed like that on the street and I feel that feminism fights against street harassment. My question to you is How does one reconcile feminism and being a woman of God with equality *outside* of a marriage? I definitely did not feel respected or treated as an equal by the young man that harassed me despite an effort on my part to wear appropriate clothing.

       2. Actually Jolene, that is not what feminism means. All feminism means, in the most simple and widely-accepted definition, is that men and women are equal. So saying “feminism asserts the mentality of ‘me first’ and ‘I am more important than my husband and I need to assert myself'” and “feminism says ‘I’m not going to bow to anything or to anyone and I’m certainly not going to submit to some man’ isn’t representing feminism properly. That isn’t what feminism means at all. And it certainly isn’t a religion and I don’t think any woman or man who claims to be a feminist would argue that. And as you state, the Bible says men and women are equal. But your article is essentially disagreeing with that by insisting women must submit to their husbands.

          1. I gave my view of feminism, the view I had when I embraced that path. I realize there are other definitions, but I shared my perspective when I was involved in that type of movement/mentality. It’s quite the common mentality in our culture today, in fact, all you have to do is watch a commercial or a T.V. show and you’ll see the utter disrespect that women have towards men. Women treat men like they’re an idiot or a child. In our feministic society, women are bashing men left and right. If the men in our society gave the exact same message directed towards women, how would that go over? It wouldn’t! Women would be in an uproar over that kind of treatment. I treat my husband with dignity and respect and I treat my sons the same way. But I did not always hold that viewpoint. When I submitted my will to Christ, He changed my heart.

             God established a Biblical order in marriage and just because I am commanded by God to respect and submit to my husband, women are in an uproar over this. Why? The Creator of the Universe knows EXACTLY what a husband needs in order to feel loved. I want my husband to feel loved and I also want to lay down my life for my Savior. Jesus Christ hung on the cross for my sins, the least I can do is live a life that is pleasing to Him. And what is pleasing to Him is obeying Him. I’m sorry that you have such an issue with this. No blog post will ever change a person’s heart, only Jesus Christ can do that. He has radically transformed my life. I have lived both paths and I will never go back to my old ways. And no matter how many people have an issue with this blog post, I will not budge from speaking, sharing, and living the TRUTH. Period. I don’t care how many people attack me, I live to please the Lord, not man.

64. To all of you asking those of us who disagree with this if we’ve read the bible, have YOU read it? Ate you ok with slavery? Because your bible says it’s ok:

    “However, you may purchase male or female slaves from among the foreigners who live among you.  You may also purchase the children of such resident foreigners, including those who have been born in your land.  You may treat them as your property, passing them on to your children as a permanent inheritance.  You may treat your slaves like this, but the people of Israel, your relatives, must never be treated this way.   (Leviticus 25:44-46 NLT)”

    1. A person can read the Bible cover to cover and not understand it, or consider it only old stories based on old philosophy. History, prophecy, Christ’s coming, and other customs or government laws at the time factor into the examples of scripture, such as those in Leviticus. Like reading LITTLE WOMEN, or THE SCARLET LETTER, the lessons within the text came out to people in the frame of that time, but the lessons themselves do not change.
       Many people love to quote Leviticus in order to try to prove a point. The coming of Christ fulfilled those long lists of laws and commands, which someone here explained very well already, so I won’t repeat it.
       So, no. No on here condones slavery, and the Bible does not say it’s okay.

       Submission in marriage is not the “submission” modern times have made it mean. It supports healthy marriage, and follows with the command for husbands to love (which is not their natural way — men hold codes of honor and respect, which go unspoken; they just “get it”) and women have the command to respect (which is not our natural way — women naturally love, nurture and offer emotional support and guidance and we easily comprehend another woman’s ways and intent).
       God created man with abilities that differ from the woman he created next. We aren’t supposed to be the same, and we aren’t equal in that sense. We are equal in the sense of freedom as humans, and in the receiving of God’s love.
       – I am not equal to my husband, physically. He is stronger, but I can take more pain.
       – I am not equal to my husband, intellectually. I am figurative, he is literal. His brain handles mathematics with ease, I handle the language and literature.
       – I am not equal to my husband emotionally. I feel moved to tears by emotional moments, amazing beauty, and deep sadness. He feels the pounding emotion of physical outlets such as sports, negotiating contracts and protecting his family from danger.
       I could start these sentences with “My husband is not equal to me …” with the same meaning.

       The fact is this: God created us to complement each other. All of our physical (including sex), emotional, intellectual and spiritual aspects have strengths and weaknesses that mesh with our spouses. We are meant to be different, but we are still equal. Submission does not give a woman less worth, rather MORE of it. A submissive wife has tremendous power and strength. You can understand that only by doing it with the right frame of mind. It is not giving in, it is giving. It is not denying oneself, it is purposefully serving in love (not like a waitress taking orders), with our intellect and self-esteem intact.

       It is NOT following blindly.

       1. How convienient to choose which parts of the bible apply today!

       2. Aw, Bonnie. I haven’t made a choice on what to accept. When God sent Jesus to live as an example, and to teach God’s ways, he eradicated those laws. His example lived on after his crucifixion, through those who learned from him. They passed down those teachings and they have come into our modern world unaltered, except by those who want to alter them to meet their own purposes.

          Those rules given in Leviticus served a purpose for setting the Israelites apart from other nations. They were God’s chosen people, and he required them to live above … better than the nations around them. The nature of slavery was different, too, more like indentured servitude — those in servanthood were part of the home life, if not part of the family. Those accepted ways of life changed over time because of Christ and his teachings, his example of godliness.

65. I think this post got a little hijacked. Maybe this can bring it back on track. One other thing I have observed by couples who seem to be overly still in love after years of marriage are ones where the wife continually strokes the husbands ego sincerely. Wives who find their good qualities in their men and constantly bring it to their attention, make their husbands feel good about themselves. When that happens, his love pours out to his wife because he feels respected as a man, husband, and father (if children are present, which they usually are).
    Also kiss your husband often. Words are just words when it comes to showing him your love. Actions are much better. Especially when you are having a conversation, and he seems to be getting discouraged but you don’t know why or you realize after the fact that it’s probably been a long day, and he is just really frustrated. Kiss him like you normally only kiss him in the bedroom. Just let his frustration fade away while you are liplocked. Don’t worry if the kids are there. It’s a good lesson for them to see. Whether you believe in God or not or the Bible, these things will help your relationship thrive.

    1. Very nice, Valerie!

66. I’ve struggled with the issue of submitting/obeying as well. I’ve read through these comments, and it has really made me think about both sides of this issue. I don’t think the spirit of this article was meant to tell women to be mindless slaves to their husbands. I don’t think it was meant to teach women to silently cower in fear of cruel husbands. I really think it is about going back to the golden rule and treating others the way you want to be treated. Yes, my husband does things wrong sometimes, but so do I. I show him love, grace, and respect because I want him to do the same to me. I don’t berate him or cut him down in front of others because he continually puts the sippy cups in the wrong place because I wouldn’t want him to do that to me when I do stupid little things that get on his nerves. It’s about being willing to forgive each other and let go of the little things. If I yelled at him everytime he puts the sippy cups in the wrong place, he would probably start doing the same thing to me when I leave my hair and makeup stuff all over his side of the counter in the bathroom. Albeit, these are small, trivial things, but hopefully the point gets across. I am positive and loving with my husband even in his failings, even when he doesn’t deserve it first because Christ loves me when I don’t deserve it and second because I want my husband to be positive and loving with me even when I don’t deserve it. We have no problem forgiving our friends, our moms, our sisters, our coworkers, our children of little things and showing them the best side of ourselves. Why not show that same attitude to our husbands? It doesn’t mean dinner has to be perfect every night or that there can never be a pile of laundry sitting in the corner, it just means that we learn to treat others (our husbands included) the way we would want to be treated. We learn this little rule in kindergarten, but somehow when we get older, and especially with the people that matter most to us, it doesn’t seem to seem that important anymore. I love my husband, and he loves me. We are best friends, and we work at it everyday. Our relationship isn’t perfect, but it’s because we love and respect each other even when the other doesn’t deserve it that we are still best friends and would rather be with each other than anyone else.

67. I’m laughing at the comments made by some of the haters on here. “Respect is earned”. “I’ll respect him if he respects me”, etc etc etc, blah blah blah.

    Do you mean to tell me that these women have MARRIED someone who they didn’t respect in the first place? Geez. And if you happened to respect your husband to begin with, why didn’t you communicate and help him when he started to loose your respect?? If you husband ( who you respected suddenly lost the ability to communicate with you(due to an illness or accident, say) , would you loose respect for him? Because if he couldn’t communicate, how could he show respect? Therefore, wouldn’t you be respecting and loving him by caring for him, without anything in return?

    Another thought: do you have respect for a person like, say: Rosa Parks, a past president, Mother Teresa, a famous humanitarian, etc??? If you do, aren’t you respecting someone even if they have NO CLUE even who you are?? (And therefore they are not respecting you back)

    Give you heads a shake, haters. No one is forcing you to agree with the writer, and no one is forcing YOU to agree with what she believes. You obviously forgot what they taught in kindergarten: if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say it at all. Go write your own blog and share your thoughts. Be nice. No one ever became a peacemaker or known for their goodness by spitting in another’s face.

    Like Jesus said: LOVE ONE ANOTHER.

    1. Love one another? Even though he said:

       Whoever acknowledges me before men, I will also acknowledge him before my Father in heaven. But whoever disowns me before men, I will disown him before my Father in heaven. Do not suppose that I have come to bring peace to the earth. I did not come to bring peace, but a sword. For I have come to turn a man against his father, a daughter against her mother, a daughter-in-law against her mother-in-law–a man’s enemies will be the members of his own household. Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me”

       Doesn’t sound very loving. Jesus was a jerk.

       1. Context please!!!!
          There are PLENTY of verses that tell us to love one another.
          And against the sword: Peter cuts off a guy’s ear in the Garden of Gethsemene to protect Jesus, but Jesus tells him to stop! He actually DENOUNCES violence to accomplish the will of God.

          The passage that you pulled out to say that Jesus is a jerk isn’t talking about causing disunity among his people (not when unity among his people is STRESSED everywhere you turn in the Bible [exaggeration, but still, it’s quite often]).
          No, he is predicting the violence that will soon come to his people due to turning to him.
          He says that if you acknowledge him (if you claim him), then he will acknowledge you, and if you disown him (say he is not Lord, you do not claim him), then he will disown you. (That one’s pretty easy to understand).
          He did NOT come to bring peace. His purpose for coming was to gather as many people in his name as possible (disciples, followers, etc) and then die on the cross for our sins and bridge the bond between man and God.
          He is warning his disciples here than animosity will come to them because they believe in him (which is seen in Acts heavily. Sometimes disciples are thrown into jail, stoned, and kicked out of the city they are in altogether).
          He even recognized that families may be split because of him (even his family is against him for a while).
          He says he came to cause disunity because he came to claim as many as possible, and if that’s just one in the family, then that’s one for God! However, have you ever seen households in which there is only one or two who are Christians and the rest are not? It’s difficult! It’s often split in decisions, depending on how they look at the world. Often, the ones who are not believes are very against the ones who are believers and even scorn their decision to follow Jesus.
          That’s the disunity Jesus is discussing. He’s saying that troubles will come, maybe even in the family, because we follow him.

          Also, you did not include the last couple verses in this passage, which would clear things up even more.

          “37 Anyone who loves his father or mother more than me is not worthy of me; anyone who loves his son or daughter more than me is not worthy of me; and anyone who does not take up his cross and follow me is not worthy of me. 39 Whoever finds his life will lose it, and whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.”

          The first verse seems problematic, but the point of this section (all of it) is that this life isn’t the ultimate goal for his people!
          If we focus on the unity and goals of this life (finds his life), we will lose it eternally! But if we take up our cross (a reference to the troubles and persecution we will face by claiming Jesus) and give our lives to him (which includes being unified with fellow believers in Christ), then we may not have easy lives now, but he will give us LIFE eternally! 🙂

68. Ok for the ladies who are against this post. You are creating a viseous cycle. Your husband treats you bad so you treat them bad so they treat you bad. Someone needs to step up and break the cycle. Be ye kind one to another tender hearted forgiving one another. Can you find forgiveness in your heart and treat our husband with love. I know it is not easy to love the unloveable. Sometimes it is the first step to a loving home. What about the verse do unto others as you would have them to unto you. Yes your husband is being mean so your being mean back. Why not turn it around and be sweet when he is mean. He may not be sweet right away or even the same year do not disparre it will happen. The Bible also says it is better to dwell on the rooftop then in the house with a brawling women. I saw this growing up. My mom was that brawling women and made life misserable for my dad. He could not do anything right. Don’t be that woman who makes her husbands life misserable just because your misserble. It will just make things worse and your poor kids will have to live with two unhappy people. How can you teach your children to respect others even when they are done wrong if they don’t see it done at home. Whatt your are teaching is I come first and I will treat you right only if I get my way. Just a thought. Love as you want to be loved. You will eventually be loved back in the right way.

69. I just saw this blog post on Pinterest (which, BTW, congratulations pinner Nicole Thompson! You just got unfollowed and reported to Pinterest!) and I have to say, this is the biggest, saddest bunch of BS I have ever seen in my life. Hey, all you women out there who agree with this blog post! I have some advice for you. Stop hating yourself so much. You are not what’s wrong. A religion that devalues women, and its dimwit followers like this blogger, are what’s wrong. THOSE are the problems. Not you. Love yourself and if you are with a man who is claiming that you are “hard to love,” DTMFA and move on. (Don’t know what DTMFA means? Google it.)

70. The bible tells us to submit to one another. Your husband has the same duty as you to submit. You can’t take one verse from the bible and read it in isolation. The totality of the bible teaches mutual love and mutual submission. If you chose to submit to your husband without expecting him to submit to you as well that is your choice and I can respect that choice. However, keep in mind that other Christians who have a marriage based on mutuality are not unbiblical

71. God bless you Jolene. Every time I have anxiety about my future, I come back to read this post. At 22, I know I have found the love of my life, the one God created me for, but sometimes I get so caught up in my own life that I forget it is just as much my responsibility to be lovable as it is his responsibility to be loving! Thank you thank you thank you!

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73. I feel like the comment “get real” was definitely an apt summation of my feelings on this article. I mean no disrespect to Jolene or anyone that commented on this article, but I feel that this thinking is doing nothing for women – if anything, it is harming the so-called Christian Woman. I’ve seen Ephesians 5:21-33 thrown around a lot in defense of the Respect/Love debate, but I don’t see anything that reads to respect your husband unconditionally. Personally, I will not honor someone with my respect who does nothing to reap it.

    It says to love your wife as your own body, and to respect your husband as the head, etc. But just because God commanded husbands to love their wives, does not mean He did not intend for them to be respected as well. Listen, like everyone else, I live my life everyday and experience these little things called emotions. Jolene, you pointed out that a wife should have good words and a cheerful heart for her husband. That’s fine as far as that goes, but what if I’m having a terrible day? A bad day at work, at school, etc? I feel like I should be allowed to be in a mad mood. I’m allowed to be sad or angry or frustrated. If I don’t greet my husband with these things, is that wrong?

    Maybe you think so, maybe a lot of people do, but a husband and wife are in this thing called a relationships. And it’s a big, complex one that, ideally, lasts a lifetime. I feel a lot of the advice in this article is unrealistic. Honestly, it doesn’t sound fulfilling. It sounds like a vastly skewed relationship, where a wife strives to be happy and quells all other emotions, for the sake of being a “Godly Woman” for her husband. Don’t get me wrong, loving one’s husband and respecting him are very good things, but why is it so shocking to have those things returned?

    Why is it so odd that wives should want to be respected, and to respect their husbands because they are GOOD husbands, not because they’re men?

    For me, marriage is – and should be – a partnership. It should be equal parts respect and love, from both sides. I don’t see the point in getting worked up over who is in charge over who? Why so focused on how to be a better wife? For me, what’s truly importance is a strong friendship, loyalty, love and MUTUAL respect between a husband and wife. I’m sorry if I don’t want to marry a leader – I want to marry a supporter. I want to be a supporter.

    Marriage is not as simple as this article (to me) paints it to be, and it is a disservice to women. And to men, actually.

    1. God’s Word is very clear about a wife giving her husband respect. It’s a command by the Creator of the Universe, who happens to be a lot smarter than His creation. “However, each one of you also must love his wife as he loves himself, and the wife must respect her husband.” Eph. 5:33
       God’s Word is never a disservice to anyone who has a desire to live their life in such a way that will bring honor to their Lord rather than to themselves. This is why I chose to bow and surrender my life to my God and my King. Is it easy? No way! Who wants to die to themselves? It’s much easy to go through life being dictated by my emotions. There is no self-control required on that path. But self-control is a fruit of the Spirit and I’d much rather have the Spirit of God moving in me more so than my flesh. And this makes for a much more glorious marriage as well.

       1. Keep standing for the truth, girlfriend! I love your posts and your commitment to God’s authority. Stay encouraged. Your husband and family are very blessed.

74. I completely disagree with just about everything in this article and the subsequent comments, but I have nothing hateful or hurtful to say to/about those who choose to live this way. I believe in the freedom of choice. My point is that I am lovable for reasons OTHER than my submission. My boyfriend of five years didn’t fall in love with me because I respect him (though I do) but because I’m funny, independent, and caring. These qualities all come from ME, not my actions. Anyone can be submissive, but my personality and individuality is what attracted him to me (and vice versa). All this is just to say that this article really simplifies attraction, love, and relationships. Additionally, a big part of what makes our relationship work is that we challenge each other, not bow to each other’s wishes. This is just food for thought, rather than a negative comment.

75. Reading some of the negativity and the unkind comments about this blog have really driven home the point that this world is deteriorating QUICKLY. So many people have forgotten the Biblical truth and have put their own spin on it.
    I’m single. I clicked on this link because a friend of mine pinned it, and I found it written from a loving heart and sound Biblical truth. Wives you are to submit to your husband – and if you’re single, your husband is Christ (AND THAT’S OKAY! I’m so tired of people asking me why I’m not married…). We are to submit, we are to respect and love like Christ loves and respects us. Yes it’s hard, but with the mistakes we make DAILY do you think it could be easy to love us? Yet He does.
    Well written. Might have to visit this blog again.

76. Thank you for the encouraging post. I know I can be hard to love sometimes, and these are all things I need to keep working on.

    1. You are welcome, Kylie.

77. Wow. That is very convicting! Thanks.

78. Jolene, I happened across this article when I opened up my wife’s computer and just enjoyed reading it. I can apply every one of those things to how I treat my wife, as well, and it was uplifting to read. Thanks!

79. Jolene, My name is April and I am a 19 year old college student. I love these true spoken words and encouragement. They are a reminder of how I will be praying and preparing myself for my future, beautiful scripture and God’s heart are so essential to understanding this concept. Please please do not let comments from those who are unable to see truth yet bring any negative effect on you. Remember that if if you never heard a rumble of disagreement you would know you are doing nothing effective for the Kingdom. Although I do not know you, I love you my wonderful sister in Christ! Continue on being a witness to God’s truth and love. 🙂

80. Wow. Ten months ago, my boyfriend and I went through a real bad time. He ripped my heart out of my chest and I was determined to leave him. Instead because even though he hurt me so, I loved him. If there was any chance we could fix what was broken and have a true relationship, I was willing to give it everything I had. We turned to our Pastor who gave us counseling and this article actually follows the biblical applications of marriage, rather it be a couple already married or a couple who is working towards marriage. This article has helped me see, that even though it is tough to love him and put in the work, that because I still harbor some fear of things going back to the way they were almost a year ago I have been really hard to love. Thanks for that.

81. This is a fantastic reminder of being a follower of Jesus is all about. Jesus came to serve not be served, he died for our sins, being a sinless man, he respected those who spit in his face.
    For those of you women who came to this blog and complain about how this is brainwashing-you are wrong. If you are a believer in Christ, you would understand that this is called serving like Jesus (maybe pick a Bible & read? It’s not that hard). Husbands as well have A LOT of other responsibilities. However, the main point of this blog was about not complaining like crazy to your husband, watching your tone, communicating, & unconditional love (aka love your neighbor as yourself). If you are secure in knowing who you are in Christ (I am a new person, my sins don’t define me, I am a daughter of the almighty God, the way truth & life, my creator, my father, my friend, my savior) then you can love people-your husband unconditionally. She is just reminding you how. If you don’t believe in God or have a misconception about who He is, & who you are then you will totally miss the whole point of the blog. Tone in any relationship is important, even when you are calling your credit card customer service-tone is everything. If you’re screaming your lungs out, what are you going to expect out of the customer service representative? It’s the same in any other relationship. If you don’t fully communicate well with your friends about meeting in a place to have dinner, then you guys won’t meet at the same time at the right place. Our spouses are very sensitive as to what we say, and how we say it. If you don’t understand that, then you may have to do some soul searching, and realize you gotta work on communicating, taming your attitude towards everyone, and learning to love through actions & not words only.

82. Great post and even though I am definitely NOT a christian the thoughts in the post agree with a few books i’ve come across on the subject of successful marriages

    It’s amazing how many women can’t see the wood for the trees. Femininity is the biggest weapon available when it comes to getting your man to love you. Why be all difficult and aggressive and expect your husband to love you???

    I read a great quote the other day ‘no man wants to come home to another man pretending to be his wife”!

    not sure about posting links to other sites so look for

    ‘Fascinating womanhood’ Helen Andelin
    ‘How to teach your husband to love you’ Richard Doughery
    ‘The surrendered wife’ Laura Doyle

83. Hi! Found you via Pinterest and I love this post! It’s just what I needed today! Been struggling in this area and these are great reminders! Thank you!

84. I don’t get all the negativity in the comments. if you don’t like it, don’t comment. lol.

    Very well written. What a great reminder to be sweet to my family. I’m guilty of having a bad attitude always, and i know i’m not easy to love. i don’t deserve his (or His) love. I’m LDS but this is applicable to every wife, whatever their faith. Thank you.

    1. I am also LDS and found this post a great reminder. I have been married for almost 10 year and have been through tough times because I made it hard for my husband to love me. Now that I have worked on a lot of the things you listed we are more in love today than I could ever imagine. I only wish others could put themselves aside so they cave the joy it will bring them.

85. Thank you so much for posting this! I loved the whole article! I think sometimes in the many hats we wear sometimes, mother, chef, taxi, wife, team manager, etc. we tend to get so busy and forget these things! Thank you so much for the reminder, of the wife that I need to be for my husband. I also think the world has forgotten, that God created Eve to be a partner for Adam. God didn’t want Adam to be alone, and so he created a wife, for him. I think we need to be reminded of this from time to time. (Obviously…)

    Thanks again!

86. 😉

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88. Thank you. Please continue to spread God’s will for women, as he directs. You have certainly inspired so many and after re-reading the article, I can even dare to say that most of these truths can be carried over into any relationship, personal or professional, as a guideline in treating others the way we wish to be treated.

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