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The Wife Who Bases Her Life on the Bible rather than Her Emotions

So has your guy let you down again or hurt your feelings over the same issue you’ve addressed before? Maybe you’re at that point where you’d like to change him?  Or you just can’t forgive him?  If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions, please know you’re not alone.  I get letters with these concerns from wives all the time!

The Wife Who Bases Her Life on the Bible rather than Her Emotions by Jolene Engle

Generally, when a woman writes to me I answer her questions, but in this case I’m going to ask the questions instead.  I think this process will help with some very common root issues that all wives deal with.

Here are a few common emotional concerns:

Do any of these issues ring a bell in your marriage?

If so, ponder these questions:

Do you believe that God designed your husband to meet all of your emotional, physical, mental, and spiritual needs?  Or is this role designed to be filled only by your Savior?  As a young believer and newly married, I thought my man was suppose to be my everything…but then over time I learned that Jesus Christ was and is the ONLY one who fills this role.  This perspective alleviated an awful lot of disappointment in my marriage.

Do you believe that God made wives so we can change our husbands?  Parent them? Monitor their actions?  Shape them into the men we want them to be?  Or do we hold a position of influence, instead?  There’s a big difference between the two.  Often times our culture will portray the wrong way to go about influencing our husbands, as will our feelings, and the deceitful tricks of the Enemy.  (Do you know how to influence your guy rather than parent/shape him?  A simple measuring stick is this:  one will cause your husband to draw closer to you and the other action will push him away.)

Do you believe that your husband will never let you down in this life?

Do you believe that God can change the heart of your husband better than you can?

Sometimes we want to help our husbands see the light, walk upright, and choose the right path- a path that will ALWAYS put our feelings first and foremost, but let me ask you another question.  What role does the Holy Spirit play in the life of your husband?  Do you feel that you can do a better job of convicting your husband of his offenses towards you than that of the Holy Spirit?

And one last question- which is the kicker:  Are you going to allow your emotions to supersede your belief in the Word of God?

I know these are ALL very tough and thought-provoking questions because I’ve asked myself these same things over the same issues!  These questions can pierce any woman’s heart and thus, cause us to run closer to our Savior, which is exactly where we need to be in our marriage! 🙂

Sometimes a wife needs to run to her Savior for comfort, acceptance, and strength when faced with things that break her heart.  Remember, you are Christ’s bride- first, and your husband’s-second.  Sometimes we forget this order.  But when we dwell on the correct order, then it’s easier for us to have a Christ-centered self worth.  And when our men let us down, it’s easier for us to forgive them.

Our men aren’t perfect.  They let us down.  They apologize.  And then they might hurt us again over the exact same issue.  They are a work in progress just like we are.  As a result of the Fall, they will naturally disappoint us and this disappointment should point us to our Savior.

We do our part when we share our hearts and hurts with our guys.  They do their part when they apologize.  Then we need to lean on the Word and not our emotions as we wait for the Lord to move in our hearts and the hearts of our men.  This process will cause us to be God-dependent rather than man-dependent, thus our need for a Savior.

Give all your worries and cares to God, for he cares about you.  1 Peter 5:7

Have you experienced these common emotional issues in your marriage?  How have you overcome them or are you still a work in progress? 🙂  Feel free to share your thoughts below.

Join me here next Tuesday when I share about The Forgiving Wife.

More posts in the Becoming a Christ-Centered Wife series:

Live a poured out life for Christ,

Jolene Engle

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50 Comments

  2. This as come at justvtgecrught time. I needed to be reminded of some things and you also introduced some new perspectives . Thank you !

  3. Olá, sou brasileira e gostaria de receber emails sobre o assunto, não sou casada mas este texto me ajudou muito!

    1. I think that you should pray for him everyday anyways. God works in mysterious ways. My boyfriend also a non believer stopped drinking because of me. All you have to do is set an example and God will do the rest. Hope it helps!

  5. What about when you’ve been hurt but your spouse doesn’t apologize? It’s even tougher to forgive and choose to love them then.

    1. Same here, he is being a réal Buly with me and our older daughter and he feels wright.

  6. I have lost my faith in God. I feel like my situation in life will NEVER change so when i hear anything about the Bible says I reject it. I have been let down so many times I have turned to anger and no matter what I do I cant make my self believe in the mist of all this crap going on. What do I do?

    1. Hi Kimberly,
      I’m so sorry to hear about your situation. I’d start with surrendering your life to Jesus Christ. He knows you. He knows what you need and He knows you need to be comforted. Find a Bible-teaching church and get plugged in with the Body of Christ so you can be ministered to.
      Much love to you.

  8. I am not married, but I have been with my boyfriend for fourteen and a half years. When do I call it quits if he doesn’t want to go down the aisle? We have two amazing children together, but I am trying desperately to raise them right and in church.How do I do that if I am not living right in chirst?

  9. I am a newly wed of 3 months. We were virgins, I was 19, he was 20. We were so excited to finally be able to have sex once we were married. We really struggled with staying pure. I was so ready to give him everything. Our honeymoon was the hardest week of my life. He didn’t want me anymore. I felt like I did something wrong no matter how much he assured me i hadn’t. I love him so much, but it hurts so bad when I have to be the one who begs for sex and is still rejected. He says he loves me and that i’m am beautiful, but why doesn’t he want me or desire me like he did before we were married? Every time I try to talk about it with him I end up crying myself to sleep. I am so heart broken and i’m about to give up. Nothing I do interests him … I feel so lonely and hurt. I know that He alone is the lifter of my head. I just want to be intimate with my husband the way God intended. I want to be a good wife to him and please him…

    1. I’m so sorry to hear about your situation, Jordyn!Keep praying, keep resting in Christ, and pray for your husband’s heart to open so the two of you can communicate and work through your problems!

    2. Hi Jordyn,
      Being a newlywed is a surprisingly challenging season. Sounds like your husband may be uncomfortable with your new found sexual intimacy. Try sharing your fears or concerns about having sex & encourage him to share his. We often as humans want what is forbidden.
      Another concern is men who view pitb regularly, especially since a young age have very difficult time thinking of sex as a 2 person intimate, spiritual act. They associate sexual pleasure with shame since watching porn is how they handled sexual needs. Any porn is too much.
      Try not putting too much pressure on you husband, I made that mistake & it created a wedge between us. My husband was exposed to porn @ 11yrs old, his dad watched it & got Playboy each month. My husband kept his secret porn addiction for years, I would find clues but he would explain it away. Now he is 40 & we have been married 14 yrs…we suffer effects from porn still.
      I encourage you two to seek Christian counseling, also Stormie Omartian wrote a pair of books that really helped me. Power of a Praying Wife & Power of a Praying Husband.
      I will keep your marriage in prayer.

    1. Perhapse then it is time to seek a marriage counselor. If speaking to him openly about why he has shut himself off from you is not working then outside help might be necessary.

  12. God, in his mercy, has been showing me little by little, why he had to put me in my current circumstances. This popped up in my Pinterest newsfeed right in time, praise the Lord. My husband is not saved and I have recently learned that he is actually mentally/emotionally abusive. After reading this I see that God needed to put me in this marriage because if he had given me someone that even treated me half as good as I imagine, I would’ve put him on a pedestal and never grown closer to my Lord. I know me and it’s just how I am. So, thank you, Lord, for having inspired this post and showing me this truth.

    2. That is a great way to look at it, Stephanie. I will pray for strength and wisdom as we go through this relationship with our husbands. I always have this thought in my head that I made a big mistake, but yet, God woll not allow for us to be in this situation for no reason.

      I will be praying for you as well!

    3. My husband is too, and we just got into a fight. When is it time to walk away from this emotional and mental abuse? God doesn’t approve of it, and it’s hard to come to Jesus when I’m distraught. Church has always been my safe haven, but when I pull in my driveway afterwards I feel a deep gloom and I have to prepare myself before going inside. I’m tired of being beat down. I think this article is more for the typical nice marriages and not for abusive ones.

      1. Angela-
        i know it’s hard. but you need to ask jesus to show you who you are. sometimes when we find our husbands we let everything go and start putting them before God in our hearts and thats not how it’s meant to be. abuse is never okay, however. but this is when you really need to trust God and ask him just to shower you with his love. when we become the love that God is, we wont be hurt or offended anymore. what an amazing place to be! you need a father daughter moment with the perfect father. be blessed.

      2. i can totally relate to you, when my husband is not around i feel spiritually full and happy, but then when he is around, he puts off this negative vibe and brings me down. feels like a spiritual blocker…

  13. I believe I was meant to find your page today. I’m very depressed lately and hating life. I got married last year May 17th.
    Today is my birthday an it stinks! I practically had to ask my husband to wish me happy birthday, no card. He’s sick today I get that but when I’m sick it doesn’t matter, I am suppose to keep moving and do everything.
    I feel like I get no love, no appreciation .
    But what I read today makes a lot of sense.
    My husband said he use to praise God and teach classes. Then he got divorced, we met and got married. Now all of a sudden he hates God and wants nothing to do with him.

    1. Ask jesus to show you how much he loves you. Forgive your husband and let jesus heal you by his love. Then you won’t need anything else. I know it’s hard but if you just trust jesus and let him love you then it will get so much better. I’ll be praying for you.

  14. I am a newly-wed, we got married after 8 months of dating and we seemed to have not gotten over a certain issue from the past. Whenever he talks about his complaints and negative observations abt other people, i tend to make him see the positive side or explain to him that probably they did this or that for certain reasons. I was trying to control his negative thoughts which in turn he believes that I do not believe him or I do not take his side. He thinks that I do not listen to him. We would argue over and over but it just goes on circles and we dont come up with a resolution. He would get mad at me until he wants and I would do everything to make things ok again. I get hurt so much thinking that he was not the person I thought he is, I felt unloved and unworthy because of the way he treats me and he always wants to be right, but I keep telling him that there is no ‘right or wrong’ here, we need to find a way to solve this problem.

    I tried apologizing many times but he said I have to show that I truly am sorry and would not do it again. But what I want him to see is that I care about him so much that I want to make him see the good in everything and let go of things that are not positive.

    I would very much appreciate your thoughts. Thank you so much! God bless!

    1. hi kizzy-
      i read your post. i’m sorry for everything that you are going through. first, i would like to encourage you that you are NOT what you did in the past. everyone in Christ is a new creation. our whole lives we have little nuts and bolts that need to be tightened or removed but that is God’s job and he never once reminds us of what we did or who we were. now with the more difficult part… if infidelity or something of deep disrespect occurred, he is more than likely hurting really bad from this. his trust is probably out the window. however, you are not responsible for his choice to forgive, his responses, actions, or feelings towards you. if he cannot forgive you, then it’s not healthy for you to be in it, especially if it’s a constant reminder of how you failed. You are not a failure, you are a daughter. our dad doesn’t make failed kids. and if it gets bad enough, it could turn into abuse (emotional, physical, even sexual) if he doesn’t want to forgive you. and as you grow in Christ, that relationship with him will be a wall in between you and Jesus if you choose to believe what your husband says and how he feels over what Jesus says about you. you don’t have to prove anything to him. just ask Jesus to show you how much he loves you, ask him to help you put him first. also, if you made a bad decision in your relationship with him, maybe you should figure out why you did it. From my experiences, i made bad decisions in my past relationships with men because my heart was hardened to them because of how they acted towards me or others beforehand. you don’t deserve what you’re going through so don’t ever think that. i know YOU want to fix the problem and YOU want to make it better. but Jesus is the only one who can heal his heart and your relationship. but, if he doesn’t want to be healed and wants to lick his wounds instead, ask Jesus for guidance on what you should do. we are never created to be stuck in a poor situation for our entire lives. because then we start questioning who God is. be blessed, love. i will be praying for you.

      1. Thank u so much Gabi! That really helps a lot. I don’t know much about relationships and much more on being married, but I realize that we both have imperfections, i am accepting them all, but what hurts the most is that he doesnt. He hates me for being wrong, for crying all the time. I know this is not the right place to tell abt my marital issues, but when do you say enough is enough? I want to hold on, but how do I know that God wants me to stay? I don’t want to fail God, for giving up on someone I care the most, but I keep on asking God why is he treating me like this?

  15. I ran across this on pinterest. There have been issues in my dating relationship. I am dating a good man. And yet, most of my emotional needs go unmet. You caught my eye. Our visiting pastor mentioned in his sermon last weekend that Christ wanted to “cherish” us. That was the exact thing I was looking for in this relationship, and his choice of words was not an accident. I have been looking to my boyfriend to be cherished, longing to be his bride. And all along, as you say here, and I see it now, I need to be Christ’s bride first. He can fill my needs as no other, if I stop expecting it all the time from someone else. Thank you for pointing my thoughts in the right direction. Your site has given me hope, a new direction, and a sense of peace. Time to go talk to my FIRST husband now . . . Thank you!

    2. So I have never left a comment like this, but I have to say that this has really help me. I have been feeling the exact same way lately with my boyfriend. We are really young, but we still want to marry each other. We have so much to learn before that, but mistake that we each made in the past have been hurting us lately and from reading this I have seen that I am trying to put myself worth some where it isn’t. I need to turn to God and be his before I can be someone else’s I just want to say thank you for showing me that I am not the only one. I know this will take some time, but I am hopeful thanks to your words.

  16. What can I do if my husband doesn’t apologize? He tries to turn it back on me and then I either get more upset or shut down.

  17. Nette- Jesus holds everything together. You have to find your identity in him first before anything else. It’s the goodness of God that leads men to repentance. Let him work in you first so you can bear the fruit your husband needs to see.

  18. for 11 yrs i have been doing everything to get my husband to grow up and be a family man. i used to do it my way, nagging, critical words, tough love, that was before i met Christ. after i met Christ, i changed. i hold my tongue, i don’t want to let my emotions guide my words in the moment. my husband finally accepted Christ last year. things were looking up, suddenly over past 7 months things have regressed a lot. it feels like our marriage has been mostly long harsh winter seasons. i can’t do this anymore. it takes such a toll on me emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually. My husband doesn’t seem interested in being a true full time family man, or in letting Christ be the center of his life. i am ready to quit. i can’t do this anymore. and out marriage is not a good example to our 4 daughters. i have cried so much and prayed so much over this. i am ready to let go and praying God forgives me.

  19. This is so true! When I first got married, I thought that it was going to be happily ever after. It took years to learn what you said. While, yes, I AM happy, it’s not because my husband and I meet each other’s every spiritual, physical, and emotional need. It’s because we understand we both married a sinner and need to give love, mercy, and grace the same way Jesus does.

  21. Lovedd this post! saw on pintrest saved it to one of my boards. Recently (im not married but i am in a relationship) and my boyfriend has accepted Jesus and His truth, He has been in my prayer for years. We had to see my prayer/deliverance teacher/counselor/good friend of mine to get some guidance, she evaluated us with how we felt and gave us a list to do. Ive been saved for awhile, my bf knew of God but strayed, He never understood how Jesus can really heal you in all areas. It was too deep and scary for him. Until my friend opened up and exposed things he is suffering with. Half the time ladies, men have such strongholds we think its us but its the demons they are battling. Its not always about us. like Jolene says God must equipped us to fight for them in prayer and be an example. We fought soo much but in order to live in peace we had to come to peace within through Jesus. Ever since, its been amazing. We do one day want to be married but we have to work on these things first. He needs to put God first and then learn to shake off anything holding him back such as deep hurts as a child. Its soo crazy (kinda off subject in a way) but he hasnt had heartburn praise God!! He became aware the hurts and self hate were eating at him inside. We need to stop crying woe is me and really take a stand for our men. They will follow through by the grace of God! We must lead sometimes. Play our role as their helpmate. Seek God in prayer and in our validation. Watch you will see a change!

  23. Pierced my heart, my husband is not saved and Im new to the christian life( 5 yrs) of conversion. I came from a catholic background so does he and Its been so hard to let go of the old ways. Coming in and out of my faith.For its a daily struggle. As women ive been betrayed and im still struggling to forgive, but Ive been praying more, reading thd word of the lord constantly now and praying for him to take the full control of my marriags and of my husband for I see now I cant change his way of thinking. Thankyou for this made me realize many things. May the lord continue blessing you and your ministry.

  24. I just want to say as a husband that this is so well written. It also applies to us as husband when it comes to our wives. When “WE” try to change each other we grow further apart, at least that’s the way I see it in my marriage. However, when we leave it to God, we grow so much closer to Him and each other. We will always have differences, but that is truly why God brought us together. Not to change one another but to accentuate one another, build each other up in our strengths, and stand in the gap for one another. So thank you very much for sharing.

  25. Hi Debbie,
    Thanks for sharing! Our husbands aren’t perfect and in their fallen state, they will disappoint us. Yes, originally, back in the Garden Adam and Eve were perfect but that is no longer the state of mankind. Today, we come into this world filled with sin. Our original state for you and I (and our husbands) will let others down.

  27. I thank God that I found a site that relates to what I have gone through and have thought-provoking questions.

  28. So thankful for coming across this tonight. Learning to lean on your bible rather than emotions. Emotional is my middle name. After my husband sold his business for an extremely profitable sum, he decided to start another business that has struggled and eaten up most of the nest egg we had from the original sale. He says that he is prayerful and at peace that God will provide and this business will thrive. I am in an all out panic. I have prayed and fasted and have heard nothing. This has caused a major wedge in our marriage. What do I even pray for anymore? I feel abandoned by God. I feel my husband is headed down a path of ruin. Thoughts?

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