When the Criticism Rains Down Hard…(and How to Handle It In a Godly Manner)
The other night the Lord told me to write this post and I laughed at the notion of doing so.
I said to my Father, “Lord, me writing this post would be like the equivalent to King David writing a book on, “How to Affair-Proof Your Marriage”, or Moses writing some guidelines on, “How to Enter the Promised Land with the Israelites”!”
“Both these men missed the mark and I’ve missed the mark as well. So do you really think I’m the best choice for this assignment?”
“Oh Daughter, yes they messed up, but their heart, their heart is what mattered to Me. Because they loved Me, they had a teachable spirit. And when someone has a teachable spirit they gain insight from their mistakes.”
“Daughter, you’ve gained insights from your mistakes, have you not?”
“Yes, Lord, I have.”
“So share what you’ve learned.”
To someone who is extremely sensitive to criticism because of all the rejection I’ve faced throughout my life, I typically don’t handle myself too well when the critical words start to rain down on me. 🙁 But regardless of how poor of an example I’ve been, I want to be obedient to my Lord, therefore, I’m going to share with you what I’ve learned. Hopefully it will minister to you.
My natural reaction to criticism is to lash out with words that would do damage to the other person. If I could make them feel like an idiot in the process, even better!
But then I got saved and I knew that responding to criticism the way I used to was not Christ-like. So I did my best to hold my tongue. But my flesh, more specifically, my tongue, would undoubtedly win out on more occasions than I’d care to admit.
As I continued to grow in Christ the criticism didn’t hurt as much when it came from those that weren’t saved, after all, they couldn’t understand the Truth. (The Bible says it sounds foolish to them.) They weren’t attacking me, they were attacking the Message that I brought. Soon my skin grew thicker to the hurtful words. (I’d have to keep telling myself over and over again that they weren’t attacking me, they were attacking Jesus.)
So when unbelievers leave unkind and nasty comments here (or tell me in person) it doesn’t bother me nearly as much as when I hear criticism from Believers, those that claim to know the Truth but still feel it’s okay to be hurtful to a sister in Christ.
The last few days I was so disheartened by all of the professing Christians who left me rude and disrespectful comments that I felt like I didn’t want to come back to my computer. And that made me sad, because this place, which consists of my keyboard, a screen, and you, is just precious to me. It’s a place where our Holy and Mighty God shows up and ministers to not just you, but to me, as well! When I’m not teaching the Word of God or encouraging women in their faith, I’m not using my spiritual gifts to bring God glory, and that just grieves my soul. So yesterday I hurt because of that, however, I still didn’t want to be here because the criticism was too great for me to handle.
“You need to find God.”
“You don’t have a Godly marriage.”
“It sounds like your husband is abusive.”
“You’re encouraging those who come to this blog to live in a physically abusive relationship.”
And one of the worst of the offenders was a woman who said my words were “dishonest and even Satan used the Word of God when he spoke to others.” (Isn’t that sweet? To hear a Believer compare you to Satan as you pour out your life to lift God’s name on high?) My blood was boiling and I was fuming mad with righteous indignation. I so wanted to give her a piece of my mind! But my Father, He whispered….“Daughter, remember self-control!”
A Believer’s words of criticism can be lethal to your spirit.
My sons saw that I wasn’t my usual self yesterday and they asked why.
“Well, I said, I get tired of being attacked and persecuted all the time, especially when it comes from Believers.”
But then my 13 year old son said something that really ministered to me.
“Why does it matter if they call themselves a Christian when they’re not acting like one?”
He was absolutely right!
God blesses those who are persecuted for doing right, for the Kingdom of Heaven is theirs. “God blesses you when people mock you and persecute you and lie about you and say all sorts of evil things against you because you are my followers.Be happy about it! Be very glad! For a great reward awaits you in heaven. And remember, the ancient prophets were persecuted in the same way. Matt. 5:10-12
5 Tips to Handling Criticism in a Godly Manner
- First, consider the source. Is it an unbeliever who’s attacking you? Don’t give heed to their words, friend. The Enemy would love to destroy what God is doing in your life. Responding back to them is not always the best thing to do (especially if you’re responding on a blog, you’re on Facebook, you leave comments in cyberspace, etc.) People are generally meaner/bolder when they’re behind a screen then what they would be face to face. Also, if you don’t really know the person, it’s hard to influence them when you don’t have a personal relationship with them.
- If it’s criticism from a Believer, then ask questions so you can better understand their viewpoint. Maybe there’s a misunderstanding. If questioning is not possible and they’ve just lashed out at you, do your best to let it go. Realize that they’re not walking in the Spirit but rather, their flesh. And then forgive them! (Yes, you’ll need to take some deep breaths on this one!)
But the fruit of the Spirit is love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness,gentleness and self-control. Gal. 5:22,23
- Discern when to respond to the criticism and when not to. Are you defending the Truth or your character? Can you defend the Truth in a gentle and respectful way (1 Peter 3:15)? If you’re going to respond in the flesh, don’t respond at all. Leave your situation in the Lord’s hands and let Him deal with it. He knows your character and that’s the only opinion that matters.
- Pray for strength to be kind to your critics. Heap coals of kindness on their head. One time I had a nasty neighbor talking smack about me and I made her brownies. Mind you, I was sick and I didn’t feel well enough to even make dinner for my own family, but the Lord asked me to heap coals of kindness on her. What I really wanted to do was heap something on her, alright, and it certainly wasn’t kindness! Now just between you and me, while I was making those brownies I wanted to put Ex-Lax in them! But I refrained from doing so!
Dear friends, never take revenge. Leave that to the righteous anger of God. For the Scriptures say, “I will take revenge; I will pay them back,” says the LORD. Instead, “If your enemies are hungry, feed them. If they are thirsty, give them something to drink. In doing this, you will heap burning coals of shame on their heads.” Romans 12:19-20
- If need be, remove yourself from the situation so you don’t respond in the flesh and/or so you can protect your spiritual well-being. The comments that I was receiving from other Believers was sending me into a pit of discouragement and depression. Seeing how that’s not a good place for one to be in a spiritual sense, make sure you protect yourself so you don’t end up there. And if you happen to be in that pit, pray for the Lord’s strength to get out of it as soon as possible.
Oh how I would love to repay evil for evil, but, uh, well, I’m my Father’s daughter and I represent Him. So instead, I’ll do my best to keep my mouth shut when the criticism rains down. 🙂 Of course I don’t always succeed at this, but that’s what God’s grace is for!
Finally, all of you, live in harmony with one another; be sympathetic, love as brothers, be compassionate and humble. Do not repay evil with evil or insult with insult, but with blessing, because to this you were called so that you may inherit a blessing.For, “Whoever would love life and see good days must keep his tongue from evil and his lips from deceitful speech. He must turn from evil and do good; he must seek peace and pursue it. 1 Peter 3:8-11
Now a few updates….many of you have left me comments asking questions for guidance and I’m just a tad overwhelmed by the busyness of my blog right now but I will work on answering the comments one by one. Also, I mentioned in my last post about writing up a Biblical Submission ‘cheat-sheet’. Well, I’ve been working on it and I came up with a better name! Go figure. I’ve titled it, A Practical Guide to Understanding Biblical Submission. I’m keeping it relatively short because I don’t want it to be the length of a book. I’m hoping to get that completed and out to you soon.
Live a poured out life for Christ,
Photo credit: Marty.FM / Foter / CC BY-NC-ND
Christians are often the most horrid in attacking others because many don’t know that even many of their beliefs that they cling to out of ignorance or arrogance are lies from the enemy. When I receive criticism of this magnitude I remind myself that hurting people hurt others and that it’s the most wounded and desperate that are willing to leave their Christian roots to demolish another in any setting. The more attacked, usually the more your testimony is changing lives. Some criticism might be valid and bear truth but the enemy hits us with lies he wraps in just enough truth.
You are dead right, Jennifer! Thanks for sharing this with me today.
I mentioned in a past comment how I was once living in rebellion to the truth in God’s Word regarding submission. This was largely because I didn’t have a correct understanding of what the Lord meant with this directive, but it was also because I just plain didn’t want to put aside my pride and obey God! And all this after the minister who married us spoke on the submission topic at our wedding! Because we Christians still live in a sinful world, we still believe lies and get upset when other believers try to point those lies out to us, even if it’s done in a very loving way. But here is me giving a big thank you to believers who did just that for me!! I would still be living in that place of deep frustration and downward-spiraling (in my marriage) because of my lack of obedience to God if it had not been for the timely advice of Godly women reaching out through the written word; a magazine, blogs (including this one!), and articles. So again, thank you Jolene! And please do not let the hurtful words of other believers ever stop you from this blessed calling that you are fulfilling so beautifully. You are an encouragement and a mentor to many. God IS using you! Thank you for your honesty and your hard-earned wisdom. God bless you!
Hi Esther,
Thank you for sharing your testimony! I love how God transformed your life when you surrendered to His plan. And then you brought me to tears with your sweet and encouraging words. Thank you, sister. The Lord knew what I needed to hear and He used you to bring that message.
I am so sorry you had to go through this. As a new reader of your site, I love what you wrote in the submission post. I am too a very “thin-skinned” person, and I have been on the receiving side of very rude people – and here is what I do (don’t laugh 🙂 ) I picture us both in heaven, and I imagine them apologizing for any wrong they did, and if I had any sin issue in the matter, I apologize for my part, then we embrace in a hug and go on our separate ways. Sounds ridiculous, huh? It is just how I get over some situations since I tend to relive the negative moment over and over. I’m not sure how it would work with so many negative comments though 🙂 Good luck!
Ashley, that sounds like a great idea! I think I’ll try it sometime. (I’m sure that will be in just a few short minutes. lol ) Oh wait, I mean seconds because there’s a comment coming in right now! 🙂
Thanks for your encouraging words and welcome here!
Jolene,
I just stumbled upon your blog tonight from Pinterest. I have to tell you that it was a GOD thing that I was led to your website! Your singles series that you wrote was an answer to prayer and it was EXACTLY what I needed to read (I am almost 24 and single). Reading what you posted above, I felt God moved me to tell you that what you are doing here is absolutely a God send. You have been given a gift, and I am so thankful that this is what it is because it has helped me. Please, please, please don’t let the hurtful and mean comments by other people hinder you from getting on here and writing. What your son said is exactly right! Honestly, if those people really believed in God and have searched and read your stories like I have the past few hours, they would have no reason to make those incaccurate accusasions about you. In fact, I question whether they are really Believers, however, that is not for me to decide, but for God. Thank you for what you do, and thank you for being so honest and open. You are such an encouragement. May GOD continue to bless you!
Jolene,
Press on sister! Keep doing what the LORD instructs you to do. Love your blog. May God bless you and your family this year.
Thank you. Thank you for being a willing vessel. I love the honesty that goes with your messages. It helps me realize I’m not alone so many times in thinking and actions of flesh and spirit. I am so grateful for the Lord’s grace to help me recognize my mistakes and grow from them. Thank you so very much for your willingness to share!
You are so right in pointing out that unbelievers can’t understand The Truth, that it sounds like foolishness to them. That was a HUGE reminder for me. No wonder we don’t see eye to eye!
I was raised by a very feminist mother and a RAGE-a-holic father, so I have not had Biblical character and perspective ingrained in me. My marriage is difficult, not b/c my husband is difficult, he’s so patient and loving. It’s b/c I’m difficult. I want to run everything. I don’t feel safe if I’m not in charge. I usually blow off posts about being submissive and such, even more than 20 years after placing my heart into the hands of a loving Lord.
But Jolene, I’m going to save and review and chew on your post “Are You a Wife that’s Easy to Love?” It speaks to me, I just can’t take it all in at once. I’m being as sincere as I can, and crying as I write this. Thank you for caring enough and obeying enough to share the Truth. Our Lord must speak thru many different avenues to reach all the unique children he has created.
I am a new follower to your blog, but the few posts I have read have left me uplifted and have left me wanting to know you as a person. In a way, I feel like you are a friend helping me get through some difficult times and giving me great advice. I think you are an amazing woman, and I think it’s ridiculous that people can be so rude. People will criticize anything, whether it’s because they are jealous, they don’t agree, or maybe they do agree but they are too scared to admit it. Stay strong, and thank you for continuing your posts!
Thank you for writing this post. I had received harsh criticism and mean words just this morning. It’s amazing how words can rip a heart so much! I responded in calm, but, mostly, bit my tongue. My mind flooded with remarks and hateful responses, yet the Spirit was quick to reign my tongue (thankfully, as it would have just brought more pain and hurt)… I reached for my phone shortly after and saw your e-mail and post in my inbox. It made me smile to be reminded that not only am I not alone, but I can do the right thing by God. My reward is not just in heaven but on earth for not stirring up further issues.
I am sorry for your hurt. You are loved and not alone. You are a shining example of a Proverbs 31 woman- never perfect, but always being perfected. Thank you for sharing your heart and life. It reaches who it needs to and how it needs to. It’s up to us to receive it how God intended, and not our flesh. You are a good & faithful servant.
Thank you for making this morning madness a little easier! Laura
I love your honesty and am saddened that you have been so affected by others comments. We Christians can often be the cruelest to each other. I find it baffling how people can come read a post, take one section/sentence/phrase in it and tear it apart or take it out of context. I also find it baffling how we in the marriage blogging world apparently need to preface all of our posts on things like submission (or divorce, as I’ve found) by literally reminding our readers that we aren’t talking about abusive relationships. When we make the claims, scriptural references or suggestions that we do, and then we are continually having to spend time creating disclaimers to our posts, it wastes valuable time talking about the real issues at hand. Obviously, no one is suggesting that people who are in abusive situations should create or continue to live in an environment that allows the abuse to continue. But, that just goes to show how misunderstood this topic is. Even among fellow Christians.
I’m thankful that you are willing to talk about this issue of submission. Keep talking about it! Keep using your voice in a God-glorifying way! And, can’t wait to read your guide to biblical submission.
Jolene,
I just wanted to thank you for your blog and the things you share. As the days go by, it seems like the love of most is going cold. And to be a woman following Christ as the Bible teaches, can be so contrary to what “modern Christianity” teaches. I appreciate your honesty and the struggles and victories that you encounter. Out of all the blogs that I’ve come across the last few months, yours is a breath of fresh air. I acknowledge God’s wisdom and His truth that is poured out of you, but I also acknowledge and say thank you to you for being a willing and obedient vessel. It reminds me of the scripture in 2 Timothy 2:20-21. So, I encourage you to press on and persevere in sharing the Word that brings Light and Life to this dark world. 🙂 May the Lord bless you and strengthen you to complete the tasks He has prepared for you!
Jordan
I want to encourage you in our Lord Jolene. He is good, and His Word is the same yesterday, today, and tomorrow. It does not and will not change. Continue to lean on Him, trust in His Word, and believe it. He will never leave you, nor forsake you. He is good, and His will and His ways are always, always best. It took my pride a loooong time to learn that, and I am trying to teach those “younger” women the same, and maybe they will not struggle as long as we did. Continue on, press on toward the mark. In all of His love,
Always Experiencing Him,
Jody
Thank you for this lesson! I am so glad and thankful with your openess.
It took me a little while to find the post you were referencing, but I so respect you for tackling such a difficult subject in such a public way. I don’t know if I would have had quite the courage to publish that. There were some nasty comments, but there were also some really affirming comments.
And this post is awesome! I am such a people pleaser – this is a really difficult thing for me. Thank you, and keep true to God’s Word.
I can only imagine how devastated you felt by unkind words and criticisms but I want to encourage you that you have been allowing God to do a great work through you and I thank Him for the men and women that stand up for the truth and righteousness amidst a perverse generation. Your honesty and practicality has been inspiring and a blessing Jolene!
God strengthen and keep you always! Your son spoke words of wisdom…people call themselves Christians but are a poor testimony of it. According to Rom 2:24 “No wonder the Scriptures say, “The Gentiles blaspheme the name of God because of you.”
James chapter 1: 2 My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, 3 knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. 4 But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing. 5 If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask of God, who gives to all liberally and without reproach, and it will be given to him.