Enjoying the Act of Marriage
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Enjoying The Act of Marriage

Enjoying the Act of Marriage

The Act of Marriage.

Also known as…

Physical Intimacy.

Sex.

The Marriage Bed.

Married sex is a fabulous thing, but that’s not always the case for every married couple.  (I know, I lived it!)

The letter from this young wife hits close to home for me.  She has had many obstacles surrounding the physical intimacy in her marriage as well.

Here’s her story.

Dear Jolene

I’m 24 and have been married two and a half years, and I have never been able to enjoy sex with my husband. We were both virgins until our wedding night, and I was so looking forward to this area of marriage. Now I hate sex and all the pain it has caused, I hate all my insecurities and the fear that has developed, and I’m so at a loss about how to even start healing.

At first I just had physical pain and discomfort. I’ve never had an orgasm with my husband (I can with a vibrator he got me but I hate it. I hate that I have to use a machine to give me that release, but I do it because he wants me to and it’s easier to take care of my babies when I’m not too sore to walk.)  And it’s rare if I feel even a little pleasure when we’re together. He’s always tried to be gentle and we have spent so many hours trying to get me turned on and make my body respond, and it just doesn’t. Before we were married I never had any trouble with desire, even though we never did anything, but it was definitely there . Then I started my period on our wedding day, I was quite sick for several weeks after our honeymoon, and our first baby was born nine months and one day after our wedding. We just had so many negative (for me) experiences that I started to hate sex.

Now there is emotional pain that is far worse than anything physical was– I feel like a failure as a wife, a woman, and a mother (because I want to badly to be joyful and emotionally healthy for my babies, and that’s a constant struggle that I often lose). I know I am not able to fulfill my husband’s desires. I almost always do whatever he wants physically, but he also wants me to desire him and to show my enjoyment in our times together. He’s struggled a lot with temptation to think about things he shouldn’t, and although he rarely tells me, he wishes I were something different in bed and that hurts too. I want to be what he wants, and I want to enjoy physical intimacy, but I feel like I have tried everything I know to make that area better and it has just continued going downhill.

I don’t know how to handle the hurt anymore; I don’t know what to do. Our church is small and mainly young- I have no one to talk to, and I’m terrified by the person I am becoming.

~a wife who hates having sex with her husband

Dear sweet wife,

Can I first say that I applaud you and your husband for remaining pure until your wedding night! 🙂  That’s just precious and EXACTLY how God designed it.  However, I can imagine you feel a little cheated by what you’ve experienced in your marriage bed.

I know you’re hurting.  Sad.  Frustrated.  Lonely.  Desperate.  And you probably feel like no one understands.  I’ve been in some very similar shoes as yours, so I’m here to tell you that I can relate.

Here’s a short video I did addressing sexual problems and how to overcome them.

If you can’t view the video in your reader, you can watch it here.

I see your issue as being compounded; one obstacle to overcome after another.  So what I’m going to do is peel back the layers and help you connect the dots so you can move forward with solutions to each aspect of what you’re dealing with:  physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.

Physical Issues

Virginity

Sex is usually painful for a virgin.  The bride hurts when her hymen is torn and sometimes there is even bleeding involved.   The physical desire and longing to be intimate on your wedding night is a fabulous thing for two people who are pure.  Of course, you’re entering your honeymoon with pent-up passion, high sex drives, and expectations and let’s not forget the romanticism.  But every virgin bride also needs a dose of reality.  And the reality for most virgin brides is when you have sex on your wedding night, you should expect it to be painful (and awkward.)

But the new husband is raring to go!  He can’t wait to have sex again, and again, and again.  The wife on the other hand is wanting to tell him to cool his jets and slow down because she’s in pain.  (And she probably needs an ice pack!) And when you’re in pain in that area, who wants to have sex?  Umm, not me!  But because the wife loves her husband and she physically desires him, she (and hopefully he) work to fix this problem.  But this process can take a long time to get right.  Now just because you’ve had sex a second, third or fourth time, this does not mean you’ll enjoy it.  Sex can still be a physically painful experience for some time.

Low sex drive

A baby comes 9 months and 1 day after the wedding day.  Bringing a child into the world can definitely change a woman’s hormones.  She can be deficient in progesterone, which is a hormonal imbalance that causes a low sex drive.  I understand this problem because I lived it for many years.  When your sex drive is low (or non-existent) what woman wants to have sex?  Um, none that I know of!

Not enough lubrication

Whether it’s a hormonal imbalance or lack of interest in sex (not in the mood), these issues will compound the problem because a woman’s body is not producing enough lubrication.  When there’s not enough lubrication during sex, then you’ll have friction while lovemaking.  When there’s friction, there’s pain.

Allergic Reaction to Lubricant Products

Many lubricant products on the market contain additives- ingredients that are not natural.  When you put something on your skin in the vaginal region (the most sensitive part of your body) your body might reject the product.  You might experience pain and inflammation as a result of your body having an allergic reaction to the ingredients.

Now, are you starting to see the snowball effect yet?

Sex is painful to a virgin.

It takes time to figure out how to be sexually intimate with your husband.

You bring a baby into the world and now your hormones are possibly imbalanced.

Either your hormones are jacked up or you’re not in the mood for sex, or shall I say, “You’re not in the mood for pain?”

Imbalanced hormones lead to low sex drive.

A low sex drive leads to lack of lubrication.

Using over the counter lubrication can cause an allergic reaction in your body.

Mental and Emotional Issues

Disappointment.

Fear of impending pain when you have sex again.

And brokenness in an area you’ve waited your entire life to experience.

Now you’re let down by your reality.

You start to feel like a failure because you don’t enjoy sex.  It’s not because you’re don’t desire your husband, it’s just that you don’t enjoy pain AND to top it all off, you’ve never experienced the pleasure that physical intimacy can bring.  You wonder what all the hype is about in having sex because you’ve never felt that it was ever enjoyable.  Yet everybody in the entire world loves sex!  Everybody, except you.  Then you start to think you’re broken, but the truth of the matter is, you and your husband just need to take huge amounts of time to explore each other and take things slow AND you need to change your mindset.

Let me insert a caveat here.  If your hormones are fine but there is no lubrication, it’s usually because you are not in the right frame of mind.  You need to be turned on so your body will start producing its natural lubrication.  But sex for a woman is a mental thing.  You’ve carried the baggage from your prior experiences into your marriage bed (not that I blame you!)  But this mental and emotional baggage that you’re carrying around is killing your sex life.

All these obstacles bring you to the place where you are just physically, mentally, and emotionally miserable in your marriage bed.

Here are some solutions to these obstacles.

See a doctor to make sure you have no internal issues and to see if they can check your hormones.

Since you’re nursing look into bio-identical hormones, more specifically, progesterone cream.  Look into talking with an alternative doctor regarding this.  Or use some therapeutic grade essential oils.

Use natural lubrication, more specifically- coconut oil if you’re having a reaction to the over-the-counter stuff.

Get plenty of rest.  Every mother, no matter if she has issues with sex or not, needs rest!  If you’re too tired, it’s quite difficult to get in the mood.  Most likely you’ll just go through the motions during sex, and who wants to have sex like that?

Mentally prepare yourself throughout the day to be physically intimate with your husband.

A mindset is a powerful thing for a wife!

Find aspects of intimacy that you do enjoy.  For example, kissing, caressing, foreplay, etc.  Do these things in a relaxed manner making sure that sexual intercourse IS NOT the goal.  You can be in the kitchen, while watching a movie, when you’re just out and about with your man, etc.  Explore all forms of intimacy without penetration, this way you can relax and enjoy your husband.  Make a point to set aside a time to do this with your husband on a regular basis.  Work on this aspect of your marriage without any pressure to have sex and see if these activities will turn you on.  (Of course, plan times when your husband is able to have physical intimacy with you so he’s not deprived.)  You draw near to him and his needs and have him draw near to you and your needs.  Over time, you’ll find you and your man becoming balanced during your times of intimacy.

Be relationship-driven rather than sex-driven.  (My husband told me while I was working on this video that he never knew I had a low sex drive.   What?  I gave him a look of disbelief.  This was the first time he had ever heard me say that.  Obviously, he knew I had physical problems, infections, ovarian cysts, and imbalanced hormones, but what he saw in me all those years was a wife who participated in sex whether her body was desiring it or not.  My heart was to be close to him, and the act of marriage provides that closeness.)

He said to me, “Regardless of your low sex-drive, I saw that you had a high drive for our relationship.”

Yes, he saw me wince in pain, and therefore, he responded.

So we took our time.

Explored each other.

Asked plenty of questions to find out what the other one liked.  (Sometimes I find it interesting that a husband may know what his wife likes on her sandwich but he doesn’t know what she likes in bed.  Who cares about the sandwich! 🙂  Knowing what your spouse likes in the marriage bed is of far greater importance than some dumb sandwich.)

Be more about your relationship than about your sexual experience.  I can’t stress this one enough!  (Especially to the husband!!)  When you take this mindset into your marriage bed….you just might enjoy the act of marriage as well! 🙂

Spiritual Issues

Most importantly, let go of the past.  Put away what was painful, how things fell short, what didn’t measure up to your sexual fantasies and ideals, etc.  My encouragement to the two of you would be to just start over with a clean slate.

Pray and invite God into your marriage bed.  Since the Lord designed sex for marriage, He knows how important it is for a couple to connect with one another on this level.  Give your body back to Him just like the two of you did when you were virgins.

Christ is not surprised by all that you are going through.  He knew you’d have these issues in your relationship.  He knew what the two of you would have to work for in order to connect physically, emotionally and spiritually.  By the way, it’s worth the fight!  Don’t give up and try not to grow weary.  Stay on the narrow path and delight in each other’s body as you enjoy your relationship.  That was key for me all those years I had issues in my marriage bed.

Find the good in your marriage bed and dwell on that.

Finally, brethren, whatever things are true, whatever things are noble, whatever things are just, whatever things are pure, whatever things are lovely, whatever things are of good report, if there is any virtue and if there is anything praiseworthy–meditate on these things.  Phil. 4:8

A Husband Needs to Learn How to Please His Wife

Also, I’d recommend you weaning off the mechanical vibrator and have your husband learn to be your vibrator.  This will help your man to feel as if you’re desiring physical intimacy with him, and therefore he won’t feel discouraged about the state of your marriage bed.  He needs to become an active participant learning what pleases his woman.  And when a wife is pleased in bed, trust me, she’ll desire physical intimacy with her husband!

A mechanical device cannot replace the closeness that you’re desiring from your husband; the one flesh comes from you being with him, not from you being with a device.  (That’s why you hate it.)

Again, all of this change will take time as well as vulnerability on your part, but if you desire to have that close intimate physical relationship then you need to take a different path than the one you’re already on.

Now I will leave you with this one last thought…

One thing my husband has told me over the course of our marriage was this, “We have the rest of our lives to figure each other out.”

Live a poured out life for Christ,

Jolene Engle
Wives of the Bible by Jolene Engle

Need some encouragement and guidance in your marriage?  Grab my latest book, Wives of the Bible:  25 Easy Lessons You Can Learn from these Imperfect Women that Will Radically Transform Your Marriage.

 

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25 Comments

  1. Jolene…I am so glad you are writing about this. Many women suffer in silence. Good for you for not keeping silent! Nice post!

  2. thank you so much for this post. Just to not feel alone is so huge! I appreciate some of your thoughts on slowing things down, etc.
    Bless you <3

  3. Gosh, I feel superficial linking up about toddlers and pajamas after such a thoughtful and informative post. 🙂
    I wish many experienced wives had the heart to share this with their newlywed sisters. It is certainly needed!

  4. Wonderful post, and I certainly feel for that young woman. She may need to consider talking to her gynecologist, a friend of mine had the same problem and the actual act of intercourse left her hurting for days. Turns out she had a medical problem that was fixed by a small surgery. She too struggled with a lot of the emotions this young lady has.

  5. Oh, how my heart aches for this young couple. I hear this kind of story many times. Excellent, spot-on advice and encouragement, Jolene. Another thought is that her birth control method may be hindering her hormones and desire. Overcoming this issue takes patience! And remembering that through Christ we can be renewed DAILY. When you decide to take low libido by the horns, change doesn’t usually occur overnight. It’s a slow slow process, as you mentioned my sweet friend. PRAYER was the key for me. I prayed for so many different avenues of my libido. Slowly, God revealed several things and good resources. Everyone’s story and body is different. We do put a lot of pressure on ourselves though, being in this sex saturated society. She has so many things going for her though, a tender, considerate husband, maturity to seek counsel and love of the Lord. Keep searching and trying, dear letter writer, you will find a renovated mindset. And, may I gently suggest that since we are controlled by our mind to a certain extent, you could start saying, “I’m a wife who enjoys sexual intimacy with my husband.” What we put in our minds is powerful! But, relax and know God will bring it to you, it just might take time and it might take surprising forms (but not ungodly forms….).

    1. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, Pearl! I forgot about birth control and a low-sex drive (although I knew she was breastfeeding). But that bit of info will help others! 🙂

  7. I can relate in some part of the story. Me and my husband remained pure until our wedding night. And during the honeymoon days, that’s where the problem began to start. This May, we will be 2 years married. And I’m glad that my husband was able to help me out of my comfort zone. During those times that we are just beginning to enjoy this sacred union of Physical Intimacy, there’s no pressure at all because we both know that we have the rest of our lives to figure each other out. 🙂 With my hubby’s love and patience, I learned that it’s ok to take baby steps… 😀

  8. What a wonderful post.
    Hooray for you for being comfortable enough to post! 🙂

  9. Because of some hormone issues I have we have had to work a little harder. When it cones to lubrication (really big issue because I have sensitive skin) we stopped using the specialty sex products and went natural (vitamin e oil, you can buy it at walmart). Because of medication I am on we spend just a little longer on foreplay, just to get things going. The hardest thing for me to overcome though is the teaching that sex is something only men enjoy and that its done in the dark under the covers, being taught that women who enjoy sex are committing some vague sin has often put a damper on my enjoyment.

    This young woman may need to seek some medical advice or even a couples therapist to help her and her husband work through some of this. My heart hurts for her and I hope she is able to find peace and enjoyment.

    1. Hi Amy,
      Thanks for the tips! I’m so sorry you’re dealing with the concept that it is men who only enjoy sex. If you and your man work on it long enough and he finds out what pleases you, I’m positive that you’ll be a wife who enjoys sex! 🙂 Who cares what society has to say! They’re not in your marriage bed.

      1. Its been 12 years, we laugh about some things. and he has accepted that there are some things that are just not going to happen. We are both from the Buckle of the Bible Belt (a.k.a. Georgia) and sex is a taboo subject down here, even in these modern times. Very few parents are comfortable being open & honest with their kids about intimate things. I can remember my grandmother literally having an anxiety attack when my mother announced at breakfast one morning in front of my dad & granddad that we were going shopping for my training bra.

  10. Thank you for posting about this topic, Jolene. I too struggled with this area just like this woman, feeling hopeless, alone, and like I was a failure as a woman and a wife. We have been married for 10 years, and I have just begun to enjoy our physical intimacy and finally understand how good it can be! And it just keeps getting better. 🙂 But to think that I detested it so much before that I actually prayed for a yeast infection just so I could get out of being physically intimate, and God answered that prayer with the most painful yeast infection to date! 🙁 But God used it to speak to my heart about my attitude. My attitude was horrible even 8 years into marriage, thinking “I have to do WHAT for THE REST OF MY LIFE??? It felt like a prison sentence! I experienced pain every time and could never enjoy it. That is, until I prayed and asked God to help me and help my body. I can remember sitting in the bathroom, praying to God for help. And every time, God DID help me! I may have enjoyed it or I may have still had pain, but the closeness I felt with my husband was the greatest gift God gave me, because I was able to give my husband the greatest physical gift THAT NO OTHER WOMAN ON EARTH HAS THE OPPORTUNITY TO GIVE! 🙂 God showed me that, and it added so much to our physical relationship. I believe He has blessed my obedience in physical intimacy by giving me more pleasure than I ever thought was possible! But the pain and hopelessness was certainly real during those many many years of marriage. Having 5 children (and nursing each of them for a year) certainly didn’t help with the libido factor, either! But my husband was always so understanding and patient! We have grown together through this trial, which is an amazing blessing from God! I still have my doubts before intimacy, “will I enjoy it?”, “will it hurt?”, but then I have to cast my fears before the Lord. And with every “success” my body enjoys, my body learns to respond more easily. That is one piece of advice to this woman like you said, to try to create successful moments of intimacy without the pressure of penetration. Also what helped me was to be the initiator. If I set my mind toward the goal of blessing my husband with physical intimacy, I was better able to prepare my mindset and to set my thinking upon my husband, allowing my thoughts to become passionate and aroused toward my husband. It helped me so that I was prepared and more rearing to go! This gave me more success in the bedroom than when he initiated. Plus, it is an added turn-on for the husband when the wife initiates! 🙂 Also, we came to realize in time that certain positions are super painful (which I will endure if he wants it that way on occasion) and certain positions are more likely to be a success. That has helped me to realize that I’m not a failure with physical intimacy, I just need to know how my body best responds. And realizing that using lubricant is okay, and sometimes necessary!

    Thank you for giving words of hope and encouragement for every aspect of a woman’s life, especially those that aren’t freely talked about!

    1. Susanna,
      Thank you for sharing your story! I know many wives will feel like they too are not alone in their struggles. I’m not sure why this topic is not discussed more often. I get the nature of it, but married sex is designed by God! Perhaps others who have had similar stories will be bold enough to share them with younger wives realizing they are just fulfilling the admonition of Titus 2:3-5.

  12. As a PP mentioned, if she’s breastfeeding, then this can be a HUGE influence on the sex life of a marriage. Breastfeeding is wonderful, but it hinders the body’s ability to produce lubrication. I am so glad that you hit on that point! Lubrication is a must!! We prefer coconut oil! Completely natural and works beautifully.
    Secondly, breastfeeding wreaks total havoc with hormones. So, not only are the pregnancy hormones still working out of the system, but the breastfeeding hormones making the libido drop.
    Thirdly, it is very, very easy to become touched out when breastfeeding. There is this little person crawling all over you all day long, the last thing a woman wants is for someone else to be all over her too. It’s understandable that there’s a mental block against wanting to be physical with yet someone else.
    Which boils down to the overall issue of foreplay. It is SOOOOO important to take things slowly. It sounds to me like the OP and her husband may just being having sex without much of a warmup. This also includes taking it slowly during insertion.
    Also try different sex positions.
    There also needs to be the understanding that the majority of women do not climax vaginally every time. Clitoral stimulation is a great tool for the sexual pleasure of a woman. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having the husband use her vibrator to help with foreplay and/or clitoral stimulation. At least until the OP is able to build her sexual confidence.
    I lost my sexual confidence after the birth of our first. I was afraid it was going to hurt, that it wasn’t going to feel the same, and I was touched out. My husband was patient as we relearned how to have sex. His light touches were overwhelming, so he adjusted. He worked on romancing me outside of the bedroom as much as in. And once I was able to climax again, we were good!
    But, I definitely think that a trip to the ob/gyn would be in order. There are physical issues that can cause sex to be painful (vaginismus comes to mind). And I’m always behind therapy. If couples therapy isn’t an option, then she should be going alone.
    I hope this helps. And I hope I managed to keep this as publicly acceptable as possible. 😉

  13. Hello everyone, I am what you call a closet sufferer. I usually read everyone else’s posts and never reply.Well today I had to. The tears just keep falling! I am on the uphill climb in a marriage that almost failed. (I helped kill it – it is not all his fault). My intimacy problems began when I finally woke up and realized my husband was addicted to porn for many years. As far as I know he hasn’t done it in a year or two, but oh, the pain it leaves behind. It is personal – and it hurts deeply. BUT, if you are a child of God – you DO NOT live in his sin, even if he is still in it. What I mean is, I had to go on with Christ. Lonely, being a failure, and lied to, no sexual desire – desperate – I turned to God – surrendered and begged for help. My husband told me that I should have fulfilled his porn fantasies, that I am not a Christian because I do not desire him 24/7, that it is a sin to not be in mood constantly, that I do not love him as much as he loves me,etc……..(in my pain I could not separaate truth and lies). Then my sex drive died completely. Sex was the enemy. I really HATED it and I was so full of hurt that I couldn’t believe that God wanted me to willingly lay down with this man. It felt like being in bed with a stranger. If you can relate to any of this, please please please, do not give up hope. God is faithful and if you will just turn and take baby steps he will carry you back. We are not there yet, but I no longer dread being in the same room as him. I do not guarantee that yours will be a sexually pleasing life, but as Jolene says, we should be willing. Be willing to lay down and give of yourself – forget loving his actions/words, love him as God loved us when we were yet sinners. Cry out to God one act at a time to just help you get through without being noticably rigid and ask him to bless your husband as you are in bed with him. This sounds odd, but is is very healing to pray for others. I am still struggling, although I am making it. I love my husband outwardly in every other way possible as well and I keep asking God to fill me with a forgiving, unselfish, Christ like love. (I never used to ask for these because I didn’t think my hubby deserved any of these.)
    I thank God for my husband daily and I keep praying he will come around to being a talker, leader, prayer-sharing warrior for God. But, I take the Bible seriously and I refuse to die in self pity any longer. I have to do what I can and let God handle the out come. Please do not think I am cold or insensitive to your pains, I just can’t give up BECAUSE of the pain. It is still there, sometimes it is like I do not even like him when I think of our disappointing marriage, BUT I remind myself that I am no gem and God forgave and loves me. God never forsakes us, but we must endure whatever comes with faith and hope. I am so moved by the honesty you all have. I am so afraid to speak openly. I just can’t bear being silent if there is someone out there that still feels they are unworhty becuase they can’t MAKE themselves want sex. Do you truly want to love him? Ask God for the love to do it. Our love isn’t enough. Be patient. Obey God. (this is key – especially when God tells you to forgive ). Stop blaming him – we are all sinners. It is not an easy fix and I am praying for all of you. This is a daily choice to keep going. It WILL be hard. The leper said to Jesus”You can heal me if you want to” and Jesus said, “I want to – BE HEALED!”

  14. My question- my husband doesn’t like physical contact aside from sex. It is hard for me to feel emotionally connected to him when the only time we touch is when we are having sex. Whenever I try to tell him how important it is to me he says that going on dates, holding hands, and kissing in public (or even in front of our kids) is a modern idea that is unnecessary. That I have been ‘brain-washed’ by secular teaching. I guess I can’t expect answers, but maybe some ideas of how to connect with him other ways.

    1. Mary, would your husband be willing to read a marriage book with you? I highly recommend, Love and Respect. It is soundly Biblical based. The book would help you both gain insight into each other. It would help him see how important physical non sexual affection is.

  15. I do have that book, and have read it myself. And several others. He likes to read, but always has excuses about reading marriage books. I don’t ask anymore.

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