One Action that Will Help You Feel Like a Cherished Wife, and One that Won’t

So you want to feel like a cherished wife, (every wife does, by the way.) It’s why we married our guys. But maybe you no longer feel cherished by your man. That’s a discouraging position for a wife to be in, so let’s see if we can change that, shall we?

But before we head out, just know that what I’m about to share will ruffle your feathers. You won’t like this counsel one bit because it goes against our nature and the ideologies of our culture today– two strong forces to fight against.

You and I both want the same thing- to be loved and heard by our guy. Yet, more common than not, a marriage can be void of these things. When we lack knowledge of how to do wifehood God’s way or we have a rebellious spirit, the natural by-product is being at odds with our man. If the quarrelings and strife continue to rise, then we’re more concerned about being right rather than Christ-like. When this is the path (or marital habit) taken, then you can kiss being a cherished wife and influential wife goodbye.

I don’t care what version of the Bible you’re reading, what church you attend, or what you saw growing up in your home, however you slice it or dice it, twist it or interpret it, the Bible makes it clear that your husband is the head of the home. Notice the word is ‘head’, not tyrant. There is a difference.

For the record, I realize that some husbands are flat out so self-absorbed that they’re crummy husbands. They have misused and abused their headship position. I get email after email from wives who have been victimized by their husbands and/or cheated on. These actions are appalling and unbiblical. And God does not condone this.

So let me make myself clear: I am not here to mentor and help the woman who is dealing with addictions, adultery, or abuse in her marriage. If this is your situation, then you need to seek outside biblical guidance. Grievances like these are beyond the scope of this on-line ministry.

Now back to our regularly scheduled program…

I don’t know about you, but I instinctively operate out of my sin so I know from firsthand experience how emotionally difficult it is to submit to my husband’s leadership. As human beings, we naturally fight for control. Unfortunately, I see it happening all the time in marriages but, ironically, not so much in a dating relationship.

I recently learned of one woman who moved to a different state so she can be with the guy she’s currently dating and she’s only known him for a few months! When a gal is in love, you usually see her following her guy. When she gets married, it’s common for us wives to fight for control as stated in Genesis 3:16,

And you will desire to control your husband, but he will rule over you.

Or we criticize our man’s leadership abilities. The book of Proverbs addresses the contentious woman 4 different times.

It is better to dwell in the wilderness, than with a contentious and an angry woman. Proverbs 21:19

Husbands are to lead like shepherds- loving, protecting, and providing for their wives but that’s only one part of the biblical blueprint for marriage. The other part is for the wife to love, respect, help, and submit (follow) her husband. These actions usher you into the cherished wife zone. That’s where I want you to be but more importantly, its where God wants you to be. But you’re faced with the reality of your own emotions when you don’t want to follow your husband. Yeah, I get it. You fear you’ll lose your independence or your voice if you do. Or worse yet, you fear he’ll lead you down a path you don’t like.

Here’s a simple truth in marriage: You either win together or lose together.

God designed you to be your man’s companion and complement, not his competitor. A competitor competes and contends. When a man contends with someone, they view their competitor as his enemy. However, a companion is a friend and a confidante. Which one do you want to be to your husband? It’s your choice. When you complement your husband, you come alongside him to help be a better version of himself. He needs you-but make sure it’s the loving and encouraging you rather than the nagging and controlling you.  Be a helper to his God-given position, not a hindrance.

If you let your man lead, this one action will help you feel like a cherished wife. If you insist on being in charge, don’t expect your husband to cherish you.

If your guy shirks his responsibility or fails as a leader, it’s on him. If you won’t allow him to lead because you must be in control or you refuse to follow him, it’s on you.

When you criticize, demand, control, demean and manipulate your man just know that these actions will sabotage your marriage and his efforts to lead. The more you do these things, the more he’ll pull away from you and perhaps stop leading altogether. If this is your situation, read this series.

In some marriages, the husband is controlling and in other marriages, the wife is. Both are wrong and neither one is God-honoring. It’s a distorted and damaged view of marriage.

Make no mistake about it, a husband leading does not equate to him controlling or ruling over you. If this is your situation, then tell him to stop. Establishing personal boundaries is a must in any relationship.

You are not your husband’s child, his property, or his slave. You are God’s daughter- so act accordingly.

And conversely, your husband is not your child, your property, nor is he your slave. Rid your marriage of the bad habit of holding double standards. Have you enabled him to treat you poorly? Or has he trampled all over you taking advantage of your goodness? If so, you’ll want to read Leslie Vernick’s book, The Emotionally Destructive Marriage.

If you’ve got a controlling husband, listen to our podcast episode, How to Deal with a Controlling Husband. Do you struggle with letting him lead because of pride (thinking you can do a better job)? Or are you fearful of how he’ll lead? Yes, it takes a strong woman of God to let her man lead. Be that strong woman who honors God and you’ll become a cherished wife in the process.

Live a poured out life for Christ,

Jolene Engle